Wow, this woman has totally given up. Which means she should call me.

I'd like to interrupt this woman's nervous proposal of shared nights with her dog to suggest that if that gigantic house is hers free and clear, and she's really this lonely, I know a blogger who would not mind meeting her in person.  She should reply to this address if she's at all interested.

I mean, I can definitely overlook the obvious insanity- again, if she owns that house free and clear.  We have a lot in common- we both like big houses, and coffee.  She can have all the Coffee Mate, as I take mine black.  I'll even take that dog for a walk now and then.

Nissan presents: How to pass the asshattery on to the next generation

I guess the "joke" here is that the little girl riding the Big Wheel is a "black sheep" because that Big Wheel is black and not pink like it's supposed to be because she's a little girl.

Meanwhile she doesn't need to share the sidewalk- others get out of her way to let her pass because hey, that black Big Wheel is so totally cool and awesome.  Just like her mom doesn't need to be at all concerned about anyone else on the road, because she's driving this hot car after all.  So she can cruise through the suburbs with her eye on her daughter instead of what is in front of those several tons of steel and glass she's driving.  Way too cool to care.  Hey, she'll know right away if HER kid is in danger, so it's all good, right?

It's also totally fine that the little girl bangs that Big Wheel into one of a dozen or so cans of black paint inexplicably left out in the middle of her driveway (seriously, what the hell?)  Because she's a black sheep and a rebel and oh man forget it this just isn't worth the effort.

Xfinity "challenges" us to ramp up our addiction to electronic stimulus

Because what these pasty, fat, electronics-addicted losers really want and need is More More More TV Everywhere All The Time.  Which is why they are outside yet gathered around huge flat screen tvs listening to some spokeschoad for Xfinity sell them on the idea that, well, More More More TV Everywhere All The Time would make their non-lives worth living.

Hey, here's an idea, you f--ing zombies:  You are outside.  Why not just take a walk?  Why not visit a museum or park, and while you're at it why don't you take your kids and grandkids with you and actually watch them play instead of just being in their vicinity while you stare at your g-d d--med phones?

Oh right, I forgot- its because you've bought in to the idea that no matter WHAT you are doing, it can be made better by adding television.  The world outside your house is scary, so you should spend as much time inside watching television.  When you DO have to venture out into the Big Scary World, bring your television with you so you can pretend to be in your safe home.

There is simply nothing out there that's as awesome as thousands of hours of television, live or recorded.  And now you can stream it into your brain no matter where you are, thanks to Xfinity.  Don't forget to drop them a tweet thanking them for feeding your insatiable addiction to Nothing.

If you don't drive a car, the Terrorists Win. The General told me so.

"Woah, what's with the bike?  What are you, a reject from the 19th century or something?"

"Um, no, I just can't afford car insurance after my accident."

"Oh, whew!  For a minute there I thought that you were actually getting into saving tons of money, engaging in healthy exercise, and working to reduce your carbon footprint! If that had been the case, we could not be friends anymore because man would that be lame!"

"No, I don't want to ride a bicycle to work- its not a tree-hugging loser!  I just can't afford car insurance!"

"Well, I've got a solution for you- go to The General online and get cut-rate, virtually-no-coverage but totally legal car insurance.  Then you can dump that stupid bike thing in the trash where it belongs and get back to being normal and driving into work by yourself, spending thousands of dollars a year on gasoline, parking, and repairs."

"Thanks very much!  I'll never ride this ugly, non-polluting, non-motorized Not A Car ever, ever again!"

Mommy just loves her Philly yogurt "breaks." And I just love these visits to 1959.

Enjoy the 4.3 minutes you have to yourself, lady- because then it's back to taking care of "your" baby while hubby does whatever the hell he was doing before he graciously offered to do "your" job for those 4.3 minutes.

Yes, relax happily while you consume that dish of yogurt and fruit- but only for 4.3 minutes.  Then its time to get off your butt and raise that kid all by yourself, at least until your next scheduled break.  And don't forget to lavish praise on that husband of yours, who after all isn't really required to do any of this- his "job" was completed when he got you pregnant after all.

Oh, who am I kidding with all of this snark?  Chances are that Mommy will be gushing to her friends for the next several days how Her Awesome Wonderful Man actually took car of "her" baby for almost five whole minutes while she took in nutrition, and she barely even had to ask!!

Shut up, Jimmy, or youse be sleepin with de fishes!

Want to know what is only about 2000 times more annoying than hearing someone snore?  Listening to this braying jackass yell at me from my Sirius/XM radio several hundred times a day about how I "gotta get a Zyppah."  Naturally he does it in a fake, thick New York accent which I guess is supposed to be down-to-Earth and maybe vaguely threatening (is he gonna bust my kneecaps if I don't get a Zyppah, whatever the hell that actually is?) but just comes off as ear-bleeding obnoxious and downright insulting.

Hey, advertisers- I'm going to buy a Zyppah from a noxious windbag who sounds like he should be falling off a bar stool in the Bronx at around the same time I'm going to take insurance advice from "Big Lou" because hey, he's a drug addict who is on his second trophy wife (seriously, his commercials come right out and say this.  I'm not kidding.)  In other words, never.  Now, stop making me jump up and change the damn channel during every commercial break.  Dump "Jimmy" to the curb already and get yourself a spokesperson who doesn't make my ears bleed and my blood pressure skyrocket.

Here is my not-very-nice  letter to Zyppah:

Body: I hope you and your company burn in hell for subjecting us to Jimmy From Zyppah every god damned commercial break on XM Radio. Your ear-bleeding insulting stupidity sucks and I would never patronize your company because of it.

And here is their not-particularly-sincere response (I don't want to meet anyone who finds Jimmy from Zyppah "hilarious," conceding that there are such people, which I'm not sure I do:)

Good Afternoon Sir,

Thanks for your feedback! Believe it or not, we get messages from customers every day who want to let us know that they find Jimmy hilarious. We understand that it isn't for everyone, but it certainly accomplishing our goal of drawing attention to the problem of snoring. All of our ads and all Sirius radio ads in general go through a rigorous screening process in order to ensure that they abide by all standards set forth by Sirius as well as the FCC. I apologize that you found the ad offensive, as it was never meant to be, except to offend snorers.
Thanks for your interest in Zyppah and I hope you have an awesome day.

Best wishes and I do hope this satisfies.
Karen Kraines, CSA
Zyppah

Capri Sun Presents: Latchkey Kids of the 21st Century

So are these kids only in communication with mom through video chat?  The only way they can get her attention is by threatening to kill themselves performing dangerous but highly shareable stunts and posting them to YouTube?

Where the hell is mom, anyway?  This stunt which turns into a plea for more Capri Sun juice boxes looks like it took a little while to set up.  Maybe mom is still relaxing on the couch enjoying her Philly Yogurt Me Time, under the impression that Daddy is on Temporary Parent Duty?

Where IS Daddy?  The kid doesn't even mention him.  Out of the picture already?

Do these kids even HAVE parents?  What the hell is going on here??