My apologies to M&M Mars

A few days ago, I picked on M&M Mars for producing a god-awful commercial tying their candy with the new Guardians of the Galaxy movie.  I don't take back anything I said; it was a very stupid attempt at cross-promotion which came across as lazy and insulting and made me retroactively hate both the candy and the original movie.  All of that stands.

But compared to this schlock, the candy ad was high art.  I mean, I know Dairy Queen ("DQ" this, seriously) is pretty much expected to produce the most insipid, barrell-scraping stupid commercials which don't feature beer or Real People, Not Actors.  But this is even lower than their usual standards.  We've got the thirtysomething white people in jobs held in real life by teenagers and college students, first of all.  But then we've got one of those employees getting a thrill repeatedly wiping off a lifesized carboard cutout of one of the actors....um, wtf-ever, Dairy Queen.  Anything to distract us from the Artificial Cold Junk In An Only Slightly Less Digestable Cup, I guess.

Oh, and just try to take one of these things into the theater with you when you try to obey the commercial's command to see Guardians of the Galaxy II.  If I were you, I'd just smuggle in a bag of M&Ms.  And go see a better movie while I'm at it.

"You're the third guy to ask for her key in the last 24 hours. Oh well, none of our business. Here you go, sir."

So this woman is in a hotel room in the middle of nowhere, all by herself.  She looks nervous and worried and on edge.

One day, a guy shows up at the hotel front desk and announces to the manager "I'm the husband of the woman staying in Room 122, give me a key so I can go in there with....um, 'our' dog and several bags of groceries and stuff from 'our' house so when she comes back from wherever she is I can surprise her."

The manager, suffering from extreme Common Sense Deficiency Syndrome (or CSDS, a treatment for which is coming to your pharmacy and your television in the very near future,) hands a key to this total stranger so he can walk right into the woman's room and wait for her.  Why not, even though the hotel guest woman didn't inform the front desk that she was expecting anyone.  The guy looks perfectly normal, except that he's kind of bleary eyed because he drove all night and he's got this big dog with him.  Maybe the woman is hiding from her abuser?  Maybe this guy is stalking her?  Maybe you don't just open the freaking room up to anyone claiming to be a relation of the guest?

Nope, no problem.  Here's the key, sir.

The only way this commercial redeems itself is if the woman shows up in the hotel room with her lover from work to discover that her plan for a romantic weekend has been ruined by her moron husband and by the even bigger moron who runs this hotel.

Trust Ford to put as much thought into its commercials as it does into its vehicles.

Firestone warned us....

This commercial was released early in 2016...yet that November, we were all stunned when Donald Trump was elected President.

It was right there in front of us the whole time- we are a nation of drooling hicks who love yelling "WOOOO" and watching big, loud, dirty things be big, loud and dirty.

We thought this country was going to choose a highly-qualified woman over a male reality tv bag of hot air?

What were we thinking?

Arby's- celebrating heart disease since 1964

According to Wikipedia, Arby's is the second-largest fast-food service chain in the United States (based on number of retail outlets.)  Which means that pretty much no matter where you live in this great big fat Getting Greater Every Day country of ours, you are not far from an opportunity to shorten your stay by shoving this greasy crap down your already overindulged cake hole.

And here's another example of Art Imitating Life, from way back in the early-90s:



Meanwhile, half the world goes to bed hungry every night.  Hell, even idiots who consume crap from Arby's, MacDonald's, Burger King, Taco Bell or Kentucky FRIED Chicken, while not going to bed hungry, ARE going through life with nutrient deficiencies because the only Food Groups included in their diet are Fats and Carbs.  All contributing to the obesity epidemic already aggravated by a lack of large grocery stores in the urban centers (just try to get fruits, vegetables and high-fiber bread from a typical inner-city convenience or mom and pop store.  Liquor, lottery tickets and heat-lamp hot dogs, sure.  Actual food?  Not likely.)

But keep demanding death on a bun, morons.  I'm investing in companies specializing in heart disease medication and knee replacement surgeries.  I'll be fine.

The next step is to have the entire area sealed in a plastic bubble

So this woman is planning an outdoor party and heads out to the patio for the first time in a couple of years (I'm assuming this based on the amount of dirt she finds on the table and chairs.)  I mean, the only alternative is that someone just happened to walk on to her patio, break the pot of dirt, and spread it all over the table and chairs.

Oh wait, there's one more alternative:  that this commercial simply does not tie in any logical way to reality.

Anyway, this woman's solution to a problem solved by 99 percent of us with a quick hosedown is to attach a bottle of chemicals to that hose and then spend what seems like an hour or so shooting high-pressure water mixed with that bottle of chemicals on to that table and chairs like a germophobic maniac so terrified at the idea that there might be a tiny speck of dirt left behind that she's willing to drown the patio in water and chemicals.

And never mind that she uses so much water on those cushions that there's no way anyone sits on them without getting their pants wet inside of six hours- the important thing is that there's NO MORE DIRT ANYWHERE.  Because dirt is the last thing we should be tolerating while we're outside.  WTF-ever, Scotts.  I'm not even going to go into the whole "Oh, Schmidt" thing.  Not even worth it.

Cross-promoting M&Ms, Guardians of the Galaxy, and Racoon Maulings

Cross-promotions are the drum solos of commercials.  They are always just so g-d--ned awful and insulting and stupid.  I blame one of the best movies ever made, E.T., for their ubiquitousness (is that even a word?) because of that one simple Reece's/Movie tie-in because it lead to almost four decades of this awful "eat this or drive this while watching this" banal crud.

This one is especially bad because the two stupid fricking M&M characters are actually in the damn theater watching the damn movie (which, by the way, go ahead and flame me you weird cultists, is one of the most freaking overrated films of all time, sorry now get a freaking life) when the disease-ridden, sharp-clawed rodent does what come naturally for it (eating bags of someone else's food.)  This of course is supposed to be hilarious because get it, one of the adowable characters of that stupid It's Just Another CGI-Fest Waste of Time movie is or is not a racoon (the "debate," carried out exclusively by sad losers on the internet, continues.)  Oh my sides are splitting.

So go see Guardians of the Galaxy II because hey, you saw the first one and since then you've been told a thousand times that it's the Gone With The Wind of action-adventure crap.  And eat, umm, M&Ms, I guess.  And popcorn.  And play with racoons until they bite your fingers off and you choke to death on your own spittle.  Or something.

Another "Moms are superhuman slaves" ad, this one by Nyquil

"Moms don't take sick days?"  Um, why the hell not?  Is it because Dad isn't there to help raise his own children, ever, and would probably accidentally kill them with his ineptitude if allowed to try for one day?

You can damn well bet that DADS take sick days.  And spend them being mothered by Mom, who just adds him to the list of people who must be taken care of on those particular days.  But Moms?  Moms aren't allowed to be sick, and they really aren't allowed to rest, either, except during those hours when the kids are asleep and Dad doesn't need anything either.  Her rest periods end when one of her kids- the children or the adult one- needs something.

Need a longer break, mom?  You shouldn't have had these kids all by yourself.  And you can take several days off when they are out of the house (and your hubby doesn't need you to for anything.)  Or when you're dead.

Why do the makers of Nyquil and Tide commercials insist on acting as if we are still in some Leave It To Beaver version of the 1950s?  Those days really aren't missed by anyone with a functioning brain.  I really doubt the Dad in this commercial is all that anxious to get back to them, for example.