Let's just be honest about this Verizon Commercial, shall we?

There is absolutely no reason for the fat doofus who is supposed to be live-streaming this couple's ridiculous pretentious rooftop wedding*  to admit that he's lost connectivity.  He should just continue to hold his phone up and pretend to live stream the obnoxiously showy thing for the benefit of the laughably clueless couple who actually think anyone would be watching anyway, because....

Nobody is watching anyway.  The people who said "oh I'm sorry, I can't be there to share your amazingly happy day oh how wonderful if you can live stream it" are off doing something else, living their lives, secretly thrilled to death that thanks to the miracle of live streaming they now have an excuse to avoid going places they don't want to go- like the roof of this building to watch you two pretend to be fricking royalty or something- because Hey, We Can Be There In Spirit By Watching the Live Stream....

So if the fat doofus just pretends to live stream this mess, the Happy Couple will never know.  Because NOBODY is EVER going to say "hey, I tried to watch but the live stream didn't work" unless they also add "MY phone screwed up, sorry."  NOBODY is EVER going to realize that fat doofus didn't live stream the stupid wedding because NOBODY IS ACTUALLY TRYING TO WATCH THIS WEDDING ON THEIR PHONES. 

Now enjoy the rest of the ceremony, you self-important twats.  And keep living in your fantasy world where the no-shows or non-invitees give a flying damn.  Next time do what people with a tiny amount of foresight and something more than sawdust for brains do- hire a photographer with a video camera and a tripod (the only thing I want to watch less than a marriage ceremony is a marriage ceremony captured by a cell phone held with one hand by a guy in the front row) and then put the whole damn thing on Facebook.  Where nobody will watch it.

*unless you are Reed Richards marrying Sue Storm, there is no way you can justify a rooftop wedding.  Reed can do it because he's marrying Jessica Alba.  You aren't marrying Jessica Alba.  So don't even try the rooftop wedding.

Grand Canyon Not Included

As near as I can tell, this is the "college experience" according to Grand Canyon University -

1.  Watching basketball games on your tablet.

2.  Walking around a playground with children.

3.  Standing in the most cliche'd classroom/daycare center ever seen on television enthusiastically pointing at enthusiastic children who are hilariously raising their hands to answer the question you asked, to demonstrate to you that they were hanging on every word, being such enthusiastic learners and all. 

4.  Sitting on the couch simultaneously using your laptop and talking on your Smartphone- because that's what "multitasking" looks like today, I guess.  Wow, what a go-getter you are. 

I mean, come on, gag me.  

Summer Hiatus, Part I

2016 was the last year of Louisville's ten-year contract with Educational Testing Service to host the US History Advanced Placement test grading, an event I've taken part in since 2008.  Tampa, a city I've never visited, will do the honors for the next ten years.  So this is where I'll be June 2-9.

I don't know how much of this I'll get to see during my stay in the "Lightning Capital of the World" (that doesn't sound very promising...) but I'm sure I'll enjoy a little of the "longest sidewalk in the world" as I take urban hikes while not grading,  I hope I get a chance to check out the beaches too, and visit the aquarium if it isn't too far from the convention center where I'll be working.  The Tampa Yankees minor league team is in town so I'll do my best to get to a game.  Oh, and I'll grade as many essays as I can when not seeing the sights and having fun.

Anyway, I won't be posting again until June 10.  Please enjoy the archives, and see you when I get back!

My apologies to M&M Mars

A few days ago, I picked on M&M Mars for producing a god-awful commercial tying their candy with the new Guardians of the Galaxy movie.  I don't take back anything I said; it was a very stupid attempt at cross-promotion which came across as lazy and insulting and made me retroactively hate both the candy and the original movie.  All of that stands.

But compared to this schlock, the candy ad was high art.  I mean, I know Dairy Queen ("DQ" this, seriously) is pretty much expected to produce the most insipid, barrell-scraping stupid commercials which don't feature beer or Real People, Not Actors.  But this is even lower than their usual standards.  We've got the thirtysomething white people in jobs held in real life by teenagers and college students, first of all.  But then we've got one of those employees getting a thrill repeatedly wiping off a lifesized carboard cutout of one of the actors....um, wtf-ever, Dairy Queen.  Anything to distract us from the Artificial Cold Junk In An Only Slightly Less Digestable Cup, I guess.

Oh, and just try to take one of these things into the theater with you when you try to obey the commercial's command to see Guardians of the Galaxy II.  If I were you, I'd just smuggle in a bag of M&Ms.  And go see a better movie while I'm at it.

"You're the third guy to ask for her key in the last 24 hours. Oh well, none of our business. Here you go, sir."

So this woman is in a hotel room in the middle of nowhere, all by herself.  She looks nervous and worried and on edge.

One day, a guy shows up at the hotel front desk and announces to the manager "I'm the husband of the woman staying in Room 122, give me a key so I can go in there with....um, 'our' dog and several bags of groceries and stuff from 'our' house so when she comes back from wherever she is I can surprise her."

The manager, suffering from extreme Common Sense Deficiency Syndrome (or CSDS, a treatment for which is coming to your pharmacy and your television in the very near future,) hands a key to this total stranger so he can walk right into the woman's room and wait for her.  Why not, even though the hotel guest woman didn't inform the front desk that she was expecting anyone.  The guy looks perfectly normal, except that he's kind of bleary eyed because he drove all night and he's got this big dog with him.  Maybe the woman is hiding from her abuser?  Maybe this guy is stalking her?  Maybe you don't just open the freaking room up to anyone claiming to be a relation of the guest?

Nope, no problem.  Here's the key, sir.

The only way this commercial redeems itself is if the woman shows up in the hotel room with her lover from work to discover that her plan for a romantic weekend has been ruined by her moron husband and by the even bigger moron who runs this hotel.

Trust Ford to put as much thought into its commercials as it does into its vehicles.

Firestone warned us....

This commercial was released early in 2016...yet that November, we were all stunned when Donald Trump was elected President.

It was right there in front of us the whole time- we are a nation of drooling hicks who love yelling "WOOOO" and watching big, loud, dirty things be big, loud and dirty.

We thought this country was going to choose a highly-qualified woman over a male reality tv bag of hot air?

What were we thinking?

Arby's- celebrating heart disease since 1964

According to Wikipedia, Arby's is the second-largest fast-food service chain in the United States (based on number of retail outlets.)  Which means that pretty much no matter where you live in this great big fat Getting Greater Every Day country of ours, you are not far from an opportunity to shorten your stay by shoving this greasy crap down your already overindulged cake hole.

And here's another example of Art Imitating Life, from way back in the early-90s:



Meanwhile, half the world goes to bed hungry every night.  Hell, even idiots who consume crap from Arby's, MacDonald's, Burger King, Taco Bell or Kentucky FRIED Chicken, while not going to bed hungry, ARE going through life with nutrient deficiencies because the only Food Groups included in their diet are Fats and Carbs.  All contributing to the obesity epidemic already aggravated by a lack of large grocery stores in the urban centers (just try to get fruits, vegetables and high-fiber bread from a typical inner-city convenience or mom and pop store.  Liquor, lottery tickets and heat-lamp hot dogs, sure.  Actual food?  Not likely.)

But keep demanding death on a bun, morons.  I'm investing in companies specializing in heart disease medication and knee replacement surgeries.  I'll be fine.