A late-night rant becomes a Commercial Curmudgeon Post. Thanks, First Mobile@

I guess this ad is telling me that First Mobile Check Depositing is perfect for jackasses who like to smear food on their kids' faces and stick sunglasses on their dogs and take pictures of both to "share" with the few people they know who aren't absolutely convinced that they are drooling morons who probably think that Donald Trump is one right smart biznessman who just keeps outsmartin' those know-it-all edumicated snowflake millenial spoiled brats.

Someone get Isaac Hou an Accountant....

Ok, so this guy makes a living with some cool performance art/gymnastics which actually looks pretty cool.  I'm totally fine with that.  Just a quick question:

Is Isaac Hou aware of tax laws?  I mean, he's handed a personal check for $2000 for a show- no deductions for Social Security, Medicare, etc. let alone federal, state and local income tax.  No paperwork at all- just do your thing with your big metal hoop, here's $2000, take a break and you'll be doing another show in a few minutes.

I get that that Chase is trying to simplify all this, but I can see the IRS watching this ad and thinking "we've got to give this guy a call.  He doesn't quite get how we do things around here. He can't really believe that he can just accept cash for payment without declaring taxes.  Who does he think he is,  President Trump?"

Oh just move in to the damn pharmacy already

1.  Why does every freaking disease now have a three-letter acronym?  I just barely learned that Opioid Induced Constipation is a thing, and I've already been told that I should refer to it as OIC because...well, because we're living in the fricking twitterverse where were are all too damned lazy to use complete words anymore.

2.  If my doctor referred to a complaint about constipation with "how long've you been holding this in?' my first response would not be to laugh, but to question that doctor's commitment to making me better.  Illness is not a freaking joke.  But the guy in this ad thinks it's downright charming that his doctor used his discomfort to drop a bad pun- so charming, in fact, that he REPEATS the lousy joke a few seconds later.

3.  I guess I shouldn't be surprised that the answer to this guy's constipation problem caused by an addiction to a prescription drug is....another prescription drug.  It's America and it's the year 2017- of COURSE the answer to a medical condition caused by drugs is more drugs.  What else would it be?  Maybe cutting down on the opiods?  Don't be silly- there's no money in that.  What am I, a freaking Commie?  Do I want the terrorists to win or something?

4.  If you are popping opioids to deal with back pain, is constipation really something you're going to be concerned with?  To repeat Point 3, wouldn't it be a little more in keeping with the Hippocratic Oath for a doctor to tell this guy "once we get you off these extremely powerful, organ-damaging pain killers, you'll have regular bowel movements, so let's focus on getting you there?"  But again- no money in that.

Dear Liberty Mutual....

Could make one- just one- commercial in which the doofus who has the expensive accident is a woman?  You know, to kind of break the rut you're in, with one freaking ad after another featuring a woman complaining because her idiot male husband/boyfriend/brother/son did something stupid with the car and ended up costing her money because he was too stupid to use Liberty Mutual for his insurance?

Please?  Just one?  I mean, I know you're trying to create some kind of balance after decades of unfunny "women drivers" bits, but two wrongs really don't make a right.  So knock off the ads with sheepish, Ashamed Men and The Women Who Tolerate Them, please?  Please?

Hey, "Liberal." You aren't helping with this self-indulgent crap

Seriously, I find it very hard to believe that this commercial isn't snark written by a Trump supporter.

I didn't watch the entire thing- I could barely get past the whiny "I walk and walk and sometimes it rains" bit (yeah, welcome to the real world, doofus.  You sound like those people who dismiss solar panels with "but sometimes it's night or it's cloudy.")  Even worse was the totally offhand "I can take the train but it's an hour each way, and that's when it DOESN'T hit a person..." Holy crap, you're on a train that regularly hits people and all you can think is "Oooooh, this is really going to slow down my commute what a bummer?"  Seriously?  How fricking cold-blooded can you get, stupid self-centered jagoff?

I really don't care what she says beyond this, though I know she goes into what is supposed to be an ironic "we need double-decker highways tee hee hee I 'm just saying this because I know all the liberals I'm going to meet on the street (all of whom own cars) are going to respond hey the last thing we need is a bigger carbon footprint tee hee hee" and I'm guessing that it ends with a pitch for more mass transit.  I'm hoping that it also includes a little about walkable communties, but judging from that earlier "I walk and walk and sometimes it rains" bit, I kind of doubt it.

So someone else can watch this whole thing and tell me what the magic solution to too much traffic and too much carbon and too much reliance on fossil fuels and earthquake-creating water-contaminating natural gas is, since it's not walkable communities (which by the way are also the solution to a lot of our health problems.) But never mind.  I'm done.

Audi People. They're Just Better Than You

That homemade friendship bracelet thing is just fine for most people- I mean, it's the thought that counts.  At least, that's what people with no money say.

But we Audi people- well, for us, it's all about Quality.  So you give me this little friendship bracelet thing that you thought was pretty special and hoped meant that we would remain friends even as we went our separate ways for eleven months.  You hoped that this little bracelet thing would help me forget that you don't even have the latest iPhone and your parents don't drive an Audi or even a Lexus.

I think bigger than you.  Even though you aren't anywhere near good enough to actually MEET my parents- so I'm going to say goodbye right here and run to the car and not introduce you or anything like that- I'd like you to have this carved piece of wood with much better bracelets inside, to remind you that I'm so way out of your league it's not even funny.

So, see you next summer.  Hope things turn around for your parents before then, so we can continue to be friends!

Let's just be honest about this Verizon Commercial, shall we?

There is absolutely no reason for the fat doofus who is supposed to be live-streaming this couple's ridiculous pretentious rooftop wedding*  to admit that he's lost connectivity.  He should just continue to hold his phone up and pretend to live stream the obnoxiously showy thing for the benefit of the laughably clueless couple who actually think anyone would be watching anyway, because....

Nobody is watching anyway.  The people who said "oh I'm sorry, I can't be there to share your amazingly happy day oh how wonderful if you can live stream it" are off doing something else, living their lives, secretly thrilled to death that thanks to the miracle of live streaming they now have an excuse to avoid going places they don't want to go- like the roof of this building to watch you two pretend to be fricking royalty or something- because Hey, We Can Be There In Spirit By Watching the Live Stream....

So if the fat doofus just pretends to live stream this mess, the Happy Couple will never know.  Because NOBODY is EVER going to say "hey, I tried to watch but the live stream didn't work" unless they also add "MY phone screwed up, sorry."  NOBODY is EVER going to realize that fat doofus didn't live stream the stupid wedding because NOBODY IS ACTUALLY TRYING TO WATCH THIS WEDDING ON THEIR PHONES. 

Now enjoy the rest of the ceremony, you self-important twats.  And keep living in your fantasy world where the no-shows or non-invitees give a flying damn.  Next time do what people with a tiny amount of foresight and something more than sawdust for brains do- hire a photographer with a video camera and a tripod (the only thing I want to watch less than a marriage ceremony is a marriage ceremony captured by a cell phone held with one hand by a guy in the front row) and then put the whole damn thing on Facebook.  Where nobody will watch it.

*unless you are Reed Richards marrying Sue Storm, there is no way you can justify a rooftop wedding.  Reed can do it because he's marrying Jessica Alba.  You aren't marrying Jessica Alba.  So don't even try the rooftop wedding.