Education: It's for Elitist Snowflakes who don't know how to use technology

If I had the technology, the time, and the talent, I'd probably replace this blog with videos like this.  Except that they'd be even more clever.  I'd fulfill every lazy semi-talented slacker's dream of becoming an instant YouTube celebrity sitting at home watching the massive checks just keep showing up in my mailbox- err, I mean, being direct-deposited, of course.

Because I don't have any of those things, I'm stuck with this non-paying, Just Because I Need To Rant Sometimes blog.  Oh well, at least that means I can slack off now and then and just post awesome parodies created by people with far more talent.  This one snarking on Grammarly, for example, which does a great job hitting that Literacy is Overrated Man Those People Who Paid Attention in English Class Were Such Suckers Product.

Oh well, the people who made this still deserve a pat on the back for a job well done, so here it is.  I wonder if Saturday Night Live has done their own version, and if not, why not?

Karlie Kloss brings inane blather to a whole new level...

Whoever Karlie Kloss is- and Youtube tells me that she's a Supermodel and Entrepreneur, whatever- she isn't a web designer and at no point in this video does she show me how to design my own website.  She just shows me how to type Wix.com on my web browser's address line, which I'm pretty sure I could figure out all by myself and without one stupid video after another hosted by Karlie Kloss.

She also shows me how absolutely, unbelievably delighted she is with herself and her life of camera-mugging, jumping around, and generally acting like an idiot with a brain stuffed with straw and yogurt because she knows how to use Google to find chimp-friendly tools her assistant can use to create a website to let people know that she's not JUST that annoying woman on YouTube peddling Wix.com- she's a real, successful Supermodel and Entrepreneur!

Anyway, glad you're picking up a little money on the side, Ms I'm Supposed to Know Who You Are and Take your Advice on How to Build a Website even though it consists entirely of "use Wix.com."  I strongly suspect that if you posted a video "showing us" how to peel a banana, it would involve nothing more than "type 'Peel a Banana' and watch this other cool video, glad I could help, now if you'll excuse me, I have to get my picture taken grinning like a psychotic moron 'cause that's what I do!  Glad I could help all you non-Supermodel non-Entrepreneurs!"

Ready to be taken advantage of? JD Wentworth is here for you!

This ad for JD Wentworth's scummy "give us your structured settlement of lots of money in exchange for a lump sum nowhere near what's coming to you" is even worse than most because it literally tortures the viewer, and all because someone at JD Wentworth thinks that boy bands are still a thing.

As to the message itself- yes, JD Wentworth provides a perfectly legal service, legitimate in exactly the same way that "Rapid Refund" loans are legitimate- "oh, you have a large amount of money coming to you but you have to wait and you're willing to trade it for less money right now?  Sign right here, sucker."  Yes, perfectly legal.  And yes, perfectly scummy and nothing to be proud of, let alone loudly advertising.

I imagine that if television had existed during the Crash of 1929, Mr. Potter might have hired a band to sing the benefits of trading in your Bailey Building and Loan shares for ten cents on the dollar, and there'd be people defending the practice.  Ah, you were ahead of your time, Mr. Potter.

Meanwhile, this Hanes Commercial continues to stink

I guess it was just a matter of time before someone invented t-shirts which absorbed odor, finally solving the age-old problem of what to do when you simply don't want to follow basic rules of hygiene and do things like bathe regularly and use deodorants.  This commercial is a natural successor to those Lysol ads which feature people dumping entire cans of aerosol into couches because Oh No We Are Having Visitors Any Moment Now And We Are Disgusting Slobs Who Simply Will Not Do Any Actual Cleaning More than Once a Year.

And, guys?  We are already living in the Golden Age of Shabby, with untucked shirts, uncombed hair, and unshaven faces being the the height of fashion.  Never has it been easier to just roll out of bed and out the door (my battery-operated travel razor died two days before my overseas trip came to an end, and I have to admit I am grateful that I didn't feel the least bit obligated to spend five Euro on a couple of AA batteries, like I would have if it happened 20 years ago.)  Now another once-necessary but Oh So Tiresome chore- bathing- goes the way of the dodo.   Because being a slob in every other respect shouldn't include the stink, I guess.

I wouldn't invest in odor-absorbing clothing, however.  We're probably only a few years away from  smelling like a sweatband being all the rage and not announcing your presence with your body odor being something our way-too-uptight grandparents thought was important.  This is going to get worse before it gets better, people.

Summer Hiatus, Part II

Hello everybody, just wanted to let you know that I won't be updating this blog until July 2nd as I will be traveling to Italy between now and then and will not have access to the internet (or any interest in updating this blog) until I return.  So please enjoy the archives while I visit the home of my paternal great-grandparents.....see you when I get back!

A late-night rant becomes a Commercial Curmudgeon Post. Thanks, First Mobile@

I guess this ad is telling me that First Mobile Check Depositing is perfect for jackasses who like to smear food on their kids' faces and stick sunglasses on their dogs and take pictures of both to "share" with the few people they know who aren't absolutely convinced that they are drooling morons who probably think that Donald Trump is one right smart biznessman who just keeps outsmartin' those know-it-all edumicated snowflake millenial spoiled brats.

Someone get Isaac Hou an Accountant....

Ok, so this guy makes a living with some cool performance art/gymnastics which actually looks pretty cool.  I'm totally fine with that.  Just a quick question:

Is Isaac Hou aware of tax laws?  I mean, he's handed a personal check for $2000 for a show- no deductions for Social Security, Medicare, etc. let alone federal, state and local income tax.  No paperwork at all- just do your thing with your big metal hoop, here's $2000, take a break and you'll be doing another show in a few minutes.

I get that that Chase is trying to simplify all this, but I can see the IRS watching this ad and thinking "we've got to give this guy a call.  He doesn't quite get how we do things around here. He can't really believe that he can just accept cash for payment without declaring taxes.  Who does he think he is,  President Trump?"