Sad, Lonely, Pathetic: This woman hits the Trifexis!

(The word "Life" in the video title used very loosely...)

Dear Crazy Dog Lady:

Just because you never met a fellow human being willing to tolerate you and your insanity doesn't mean you get to call your Sad Substitute for an Actual Family your "boys."  They are dogs.  Three big, clumsy, stupid dogs who look to you for food and shelter and pretty much nothing else.  They don't love you.  They'll never love you.  You can talk to them about your problems- and man, do you have problems- but they won't understand a word of it and they really don't give a damn anyway.   They'll never give you advice or a loan and they sure as hell aren't taking care of you when you're sick.  For all the "love" you provide them, including this tic medication or whatever the hell this commercial is pushing, the only thing you're getting in return is hair and dirt and noise and the opportunity to pick up and carry around feces when you take "your boys" for a walk.

A few more things- your "boys" don't give a damn that you serve them in different colored bowls.  They are color-blind and even if they weren't all they would see is the food.  They have no clue that you are protecting their health by adding medication to that food- and no matter how long they live, they'll never reach an age where they'll tell you how much they appreciated the care you put into "raising" them, because they don't appreciate it, they just expect it, maybe because from the moment they were puppies you gave them the idea that you exist for them and not the other way around (which is actually the case, if you could be honest with yourself for just a few moments.)

Just to wrap up- you are going to outlive your "boys."  Probably by a lot.  People generally don't outlive their kids, and they certainly don't expect to.  That's just another way your "boys" are not your "boys," they are your pets.  They'll die and you'll replace them with other "boys," or maybe "girls," and then that generation of Animals Which Live With Me Which Are Just Like Family will also die and be replaced, and so on and so on, because that's our relationship with animals* unless we are Insane.  Just Sayin'.

*My parents lost one of the animals that lived in their house last night, the victim of a little guillotine which snapped it's neck when it wandered into the wrong part of the kitchen.  I opened the trap and tossed the nasty little thing into the weeds.  They'll get over it.

Education: It's for Elitist Snowflakes who don't know how to use technology

If I had the technology, the time, and the talent, I'd probably replace this blog with videos like this.  Except that they'd be even more clever.  I'd fulfill every lazy semi-talented slacker's dream of becoming an instant YouTube celebrity sitting at home watching the massive checks just keep showing up in my mailbox- err, I mean, being direct-deposited, of course.

Because I don't have any of those things, I'm stuck with this non-paying, Just Because I Need To Rant Sometimes blog.  Oh well, at least that means I can slack off now and then and just post awesome parodies created by people with far more talent.  This one snarking on Grammarly, for example, which does a great job hitting that Literacy is Overrated Man Those People Who Paid Attention in English Class Were Such Suckers Product.

Oh well, the people who made this still deserve a pat on the back for a job well done, so here it is.  I wonder if Saturday Night Live has done their own version, and if not, why not?

Karlie Kloss brings inane blather to a whole new level...

Whoever Karlie Kloss is- and Youtube tells me that she's a Supermodel and Entrepreneur, whatever- she isn't a web designer and at no point in this video does she show me how to design my own website.  She just shows me how to type Wix.com on my web browser's address line, which I'm pretty sure I could figure out all by myself and without one stupid video after another hosted by Karlie Kloss.

She also shows me how absolutely, unbelievably delighted she is with herself and her life of camera-mugging, jumping around, and generally acting like an idiot with a brain stuffed with straw and yogurt because she knows how to use Google to find chimp-friendly tools her assistant can use to create a website to let people know that she's not JUST that annoying woman on YouTube peddling Wix.com- she's a real, successful Supermodel and Entrepreneur!

Anyway, glad you're picking up a little money on the side, Ms I'm Supposed to Know Who You Are and Take your Advice on How to Build a Website even though it consists entirely of "use Wix.com."  I strongly suspect that if you posted a video "showing us" how to peel a banana, it would involve nothing more than "type 'Peel a Banana' and watch this other cool video, glad I could help, now if you'll excuse me, I have to get my picture taken grinning like a psychotic moron 'cause that's what I do!  Glad I could help all you non-Supermodel non-Entrepreneurs!"

Ready to be taken advantage of? JD Wentworth is here for you!

This ad for JD Wentworth's scummy "give us your structured settlement of lots of money in exchange for a lump sum nowhere near what's coming to you" is even worse than most because it literally tortures the viewer, and all because someone at JD Wentworth thinks that boy bands are still a thing.

As to the message itself- yes, JD Wentworth provides a perfectly legal service, legitimate in exactly the same way that "Rapid Refund" loans are legitimate- "oh, you have a large amount of money coming to you but you have to wait and you're willing to trade it for less money right now?  Sign right here, sucker."  Yes, perfectly legal.  And yes, perfectly scummy and nothing to be proud of, let alone loudly advertising.

I imagine that if television had existed during the Crash of 1929, Mr. Potter might have hired a band to sing the benefits of trading in your Bailey Building and Loan shares for ten cents on the dollar, and there'd be people defending the practice.  Ah, you were ahead of your time, Mr. Potter.

Meanwhile, this Hanes Commercial continues to stink

I guess it was just a matter of time before someone invented t-shirts which absorbed odor, finally solving the age-old problem of what to do when you simply don't want to follow basic rules of hygiene and do things like bathe regularly and use deodorants.  This commercial is a natural successor to those Lysol ads which feature people dumping entire cans of aerosol into couches because Oh No We Are Having Visitors Any Moment Now And We Are Disgusting Slobs Who Simply Will Not Do Any Actual Cleaning More than Once a Year.

And, guys?  We are already living in the Golden Age of Shabby, with untucked shirts, uncombed hair, and unshaven faces being the the height of fashion.  Never has it been easier to just roll out of bed and out the door (my battery-operated travel razor died two days before my overseas trip came to an end, and I have to admit I am grateful that I didn't feel the least bit obligated to spend five Euro on a couple of AA batteries, like I would have if it happened 20 years ago.)  Now another once-necessary but Oh So Tiresome chore- bathing- goes the way of the dodo.   Because being a slob in every other respect shouldn't include the stink, I guess.

I wouldn't invest in odor-absorbing clothing, however.  We're probably only a few years away from  smelling like a sweatband being all the rage and not announcing your presence with your body odor being something our way-too-uptight grandparents thought was important.  This is going to get worse before it gets better, people.

Summer Hiatus, Part II

Hello everybody, just wanted to let you know that I won't be updating this blog until July 2nd as I will be traveling to Italy between now and then and will not have access to the internet (or any interest in updating this blog) until I return.  So please enjoy the archives while I visit the home of my paternal great-grandparents.....see you when I get back!

A late-night rant becomes a Commercial Curmudgeon Post. Thanks, First Mobile@

I guess this ad is telling me that First Mobile Check Depositing is perfect for jackasses who like to smear food on their kids' faces and stick sunglasses on their dogs and take pictures of both to "share" with the few people they know who aren't absolutely convinced that they are drooling morons who probably think that Donald Trump is one right smart biznessman who just keeps outsmartin' those know-it-all edumicated snowflake millenial spoiled brats.