SimpliSafe: 'Cause you gotta cut corners somewhere....

So the fiftysomething husband and father in this ad looks at his thirtysomething trophy wife and the kids she dutifully popped out for him as her end of the bargain and says "look, honey, I work pretty damned hard for this multimillion dollar home with it's massive kitchen and modern appliances and even bigger living room.  And I know you think that I'm a bottomless well of cash, mainly because that's what I told you when I convinced you to surrender your youth to me in exchange for a life of security.

"Fact is, these mortgage and Lexus SUV payments are taking a pretty big bite out of that hedge fund money- I'd explain to you what 'hedge funds' are and how they support this lifestyle, but if you were interested in clogging your pretty little head with stuff like that I would never have married you- and the kids' endless parade of extracurricular activities don't help much either.  Not to mention the big-screen TVs and internet access you kind of insisted on so you don't go absolutely insane in this house while the kids are away and Juanita (whom I am NOT sleeping with, yet) is doing the shopping and cleaning.  And let's not forget Juanita, who is fifteen years younger than you are and has the kind of body you had when we first met, just sayin'.

"So we're going to have to economize somewhere.  And since I have hefty life insurance policies on you and the kids, and I'm home maybe eight hours a week anyway, it's going to be in home security.  That's why I'm going to protect your guilded cage with a bargain-basement do-it-yourself saw-it-on-late-night-tv so-called alarm system.  It will keep you and the kids- and Juanita, if she's not helping me in the office that night- super safe, I assure you.  Now how about another beer, hon?"

Trumpy Bear? Come on!

In 1991 I bought a Dan Quayle watch, but they weren't being sold to "honor" Dan Quayle.  This has got to be brilliant snark, right?  Right?

I mean, it uses every cliche from every Collector Plate/Prayer Coin/Authentic Replica WWII Watch commercial ever, right down to the ancient codger telling us that he is "proud to own this bear, and proud to be an American."  Heck, it might even be the SAME vet who told us that he was proud to own the Not-Actually-WWII-era aviator-style watch and was "proud to be an American."

I mean, I know this is an incredibly stupid country populated by mouth-breathers (look how 46 percent of us voted last time around) but this can't be real, can it?  Or if it is, and someone will actually answer that phone number and there's a factory in It's Pronounced JINA making these things, this concept was put together by someone with a PhD in Cynicism?

This can't be the brainchild of someone who actually LIKES Trump, can it?

My guess is that Barack Obama, having been born in Hawaii, is ALSO unable to stream Amazon Prime....

Never mind the video; I didn't bother to watch it and it really has absolutely nothing to do with what I hope you all consider an hysterically forehead-slapping blog post.  I just wanted to include a clip from my friends at Amazon Prime, all of whom deserve this snark more than most of the people I blog about....

Ok, here's the setup: I have Amazon Prime, which means I have access to Amazon Prime Video.  I'm in Vermont, which I THOUGHT had been part of the United States since 1791 (not trying to be pedantic, there's a payoff coming up, I promise) on summer vacation and I thought I'd just play a video to pass the time.

The video started, only to be interrupted seconds later by a message:  "Access to this Video is Prohibited due to Geographical Licensing Restrictions."  I tried another video, and got the same message.  Then another.  And then one more.

Then I wrote to Amazon for an explanation.  And hilarity ensued.  Here's their response, copied and pasted from my email.  I haven't changed a single word.  I am not kidding:

Hello John, I understand that you're facing issues accessing "Amazon Prime Videos" in Vermont. I'm sorry for any inconvenience you had to experience because of this. Kindly understand, currently Amazon Instant Video content can only be purchased, streamed, and downloaded by customers in the 50 United States, the District of Columbia, and U.S. territories, if you've subscribed for Prime from Amazon.com. I realize that it is disappointing to know about this, but please understand that due to content licensing restrictions and other restrictions placed by the content owners, we are unable to offer the Instant Video content to the customers outside U.S. I realize how convenient it would be for all our customers if the feature of providing access to Prime Videos outside U.S. is implemented and I've taken your comments as feedback and forwarded it to our Instant Video team for consideration as we make future improvements. Please be assured that we're collating feedback's from our customers and forwarding them to our Instant Video team, so that we can show them increasing demand for making this feature available for customers. As an alternative, I would like to bring to your kind notice that, selected Amazon titles are the only Prime content able to be streamed and downloaded outside the U.S. and its territories. To find other titles that are available, please use the following link: www.amazon.com/watchabroad Again, I can completely understand how frustrating and annoying the situation can be when something like this happens but believe us it was never our intention. Please accept my sincere apologies for this. I hope this helps. Your patience and understanding is greatly appreciated in this matter. Thank you for your continued support and understanding as a Loyal Amazon customer. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

We'd appreciate your feedback. Please use the buttons below to vote about your experience today.

Best regards, Sira Amazon.com So there you are, folks.  Vermont is not part of the U.S. and it's territories.  It's some weird foreign entity, and Amazon Prime is simply not available outside of the U.S. and it's territories, so I'm totally out of luck. You just can't make this crap up.  I think Lilly from the Grammarly commercials must have typed this letter. Just brilliant, Amazon!  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to check the www.Amazon.com/watchabroad site to see what movies I am allowed to stream during my stay in this exotic, obviously foreign locale. All I can hope is that someday Vermont's application for statehood is approved.   Bizarre.

My story can be summed up in one word: Freedom.

In 2015 my place of work switched to Evergreen Health, and I had to find a new primary care physician for the first time in more than 25 years.  I went to Evergreen's "very helpful" website, where I found a long list of general practitioners who, as far as Evergreen was concerned, accepted Evergreen Insurance at the present, or once upon a time, or maybe in the future.  In any case, I spent some hours over the course of some days failing to secure the services of a general practitioner.  For about a year.

During this time- the winter of 2016-2017- I was so constantly sick that I finally gave up and went to a CVS Minute Clinic for treatment.  First, I checked the CVS website to make sure the Minute Clinic accepted Evergreen Health.  They did.  Then I called Evergreen Health to make sure they would pay for the Minute Clinic.  The nice lady on the other end of the line said "yes, CVS takes the insurance," which isn't what I was asking but was as close as I was going to get to an actual answer.  So I went to the MinuteClinic and got a prescription for what was basically Claritin.  A month later, I got a bill for $140- $160 minus the $20 Evergreen paid for.  I wonder, if Evergreen had paid fifty cents of the $160 visit cost, would they have said "yes, CVS takes the insurance?"

Anyway, for two years I tried and failed to find a general practioner through Evergreen Health's not-at-all-helpful website, and every time I called to talk to a real person I was urged to use one of Evergreen Health's Primary Care Offices, conveniently located nowhere near any metrorail stations (and only one located on a bus line.)  This spring I gave in and made an appointment at the only clinic I could get to by bumming a ride with a friend and taking half a day off from school.

The visit went well- I got a complete physical and everyone was very nice.  Yay, contact with a doctor again!  Kind of the reason we have health insurance to begin with!

Last month, I got an email from Evergreen Health- the company "regrets to inform me" that it is closing down it's primary care offices- all of them- this summer.  I was given 60 days to pick up a copy of my health record (which I could obtain if I gave the office three days notice.)  I was also given the advice to use Evergreen Health's web site to find a new primary care physician.

I'm sure this is Obama's FaultTM, but whoever is to blame, I'm about to start my third year of paying premiums but not actually having a primary health physician except for that one day this spring.  Thanks, Evergreen Maryland, for playing your part in making the American Health Care System the very best in the whole world!  I'm sure that a good percentage of those Canadians fleeing their own awful Socialized Medicine to seek Good Medical Care use doctors who take your insurance.  I just wish they'd drop me a line and let me know who those doctors are.  I could return the favor by warning them not to try to use one of your Primary Care Offices, since they don't exist anymore.

Because 'merica, indeed

I haven't been on another planned summer vacation for the past several days, just stuck without electricty, and then with electricity but without internet, which to many people means without electricity because as one of my Facebook friends pointed out, what is the point of electricity if it isn't used to get one on the internet?

But tonight I have both internet and electricity, so I can update this blog by posting what isn't exactly a commercial but is more like a review which turns into a commercial by pulling a great big "this isn't as bad as you think because take a look at this much much worse thing over here" out of nowhere at the last second.  Burger King's deep-fried mac and cheese monstrosity "won't set you back as much as you think," we are told, because it has "only" 310 calories per five pieces (and we just KNOW that the lard-butt future heart disease patients who would consume this are going to limit themselves to five pieces- and not eat it as a side with a Double Whopper, oh no..)  But here's the kicker- we shouldn't be too critical of BK's fried macaroni and cheese dusted with more cheese because KFC's Double Down Bacon and Mayo between two fried chicken slabs has more calories!  I mean, check out this gigantic picture and everything!  As long as you aren't eating THIS, you are doing just fine- heck, you might as well get two of those 5-piece fried cheese things, you'll still be ahead of the game!

Never mind that this is exactly like telling someone to go ahead and drink that coffee laced with rat poison because at least you aren't putting a gun in your mouth and pulling the trigger- that would be REALLY destructive!  Yep, because 'merica.  No country is better at killing itself with food and being aggressively proud of its ability to rationalize it.  Ugh.

Sad, Lonely, Pathetic: This woman hits the Trifexis!

(The word "Life" in the video title used very loosely...)

Dear Crazy Dog Lady:

Just because you never met a fellow human being willing to tolerate you and your insanity doesn't mean you get to call your Sad Substitute for an Actual Family your "boys."  They are dogs.  Three big, clumsy, stupid dogs who look to you for food and shelter and pretty much nothing else.  They don't love you.  They'll never love you.  You can talk to them about your problems- and man, do you have problems- but they won't understand a word of it and they really don't give a damn anyway.   They'll never give you advice or a loan and they sure as hell aren't taking care of you when you're sick.  For all the "love" you provide them, including this tic medication or whatever the hell this commercial is pushing, the only thing you're getting in return is hair and dirt and noise and the opportunity to pick up and carry around feces when you take "your boys" for a walk.

A few more things- your "boys" don't give a damn that you serve them in different colored bowls.  They are color-blind and even if they weren't all they would see is the food.  They have no clue that you are protecting their health by adding medication to that food- and no matter how long they live, they'll never reach an age where they'll tell you how much they appreciated the care you put into "raising" them, because they don't appreciate it, they just expect it, maybe because from the moment they were puppies you gave them the idea that you exist for them and not the other way around (which is actually the case, if you could be honest with yourself for just a few moments.)

Just to wrap up- you are going to outlive your "boys."  Probably by a lot.  People generally don't outlive their kids, and they certainly don't expect to.  That's just another way your "boys" are not your "boys," they are your pets.  They'll die and you'll replace them with other "boys," or maybe "girls," and then that generation of Animals Which Live With Me Which Are Just Like Family will also die and be replaced, and so on and so on, because that's our relationship with animals* unless we are Insane.  Just Sayin'.

*My parents lost one of the animals that lived in their house last night, the victim of a little guillotine which snapped it's neck when it wandered into the wrong part of the kitchen.  I opened the trap and tossed the nasty little thing into the weeds.  They'll get over it.

Education: It's for Elitist Snowflakes who don't know how to use technology

If I had the technology, the time, and the talent, I'd probably replace this blog with videos like this.  Except that they'd be even more clever.  I'd fulfill every lazy semi-talented slacker's dream of becoming an instant YouTube celebrity sitting at home watching the massive checks just keep showing up in my mailbox- err, I mean, being direct-deposited, of course.

Because I don't have any of those things, I'm stuck with this non-paying, Just Because I Need To Rant Sometimes blog.  Oh well, at least that means I can slack off now and then and just post awesome parodies created by people with far more talent.  This one snarking on Grammarly, for example, which does a great job hitting that Literacy is Overrated Man Those People Who Paid Attention in English Class Were Such Suckers Product.

Oh well, the people who made this still deserve a pat on the back for a job well done, so here it is.  I wonder if Saturday Night Live has done their own version, and if not, why not?