Uber is dedicated to making life even better for those who already have everything

Hey, rich white people with money burning holes in your pockets!  Running out of ways to toss that money away?  Coming dangerously close to looking into that charity thing you hear people on tv talking about?  Well, here comes Uber Eats to the rescue!

Now you can get your favorite high-end food without leaving your house or office- transforming "eating out" from an occassional benefit of your gilded existence to something you do three or even four times a day (yes, you can have chef-prepared SNACKS delivered right to your palace, your majesty!)  After all, you don't really like to cook anyway- the only reason you ever shopped was to be seen by your neighbors in the Brie aisle at Whole Foods.  Now whenever you and your pretty white friends want to get together to eat, you don't have to risk sitting next to lessers.  Just get on that App and have a big pile of delicacies delivered to your house, or the park, or the beach, or any other out-of-the way inconvenient place you want to drop your pampered butts Because You Can now.

Because Uber isn't just total strangers driving around hoping to sell you a ride anymore.  Now it's total strangers delivering gourmet food, you disgustingly spoiled little twats.  I just hope this means you plan to spend more time in your well-furnished cages, because that at least would be one benefit to the rest of us who believe me, won't miss you for one moment.

I don't want to live in the world these Chevy Truck Guys have inherited

So I guess the "punchline" of this "very funny lol" commercial in which three guys and a dog have survived the Mayan apocalypse is that one of their friends "didn't make it" because he drove a Ford truck instead of a Chevy.  Because while Chevys can survive being buried by tons of granite and steel, don't even ATTEMPT to get yourself through the End of the World in a Ford.

So these guys all enjoy a bit of a sad chuckle at the fate of their friend, who I guess at the last minute had a choice of which car he was going to drive-?  I mean, did he have two trucks in the garage and just picked the wrong one not realizing that this was the day he was going to need the "real" one, the Chevy?

When this eventually does happen, I'll be in the rubble because I don't drive a Real Man's Truck like these mouth-breathing morons who BTW obviously cast their last ever vote for Donald Trump.  So I won't be around when they die from some horrible disease brought on by long-term exposure to the rotting corpses which surround them as they toast their awesomeness with whatever beer they were able to find in the shattered shell of a liquor store down the street.  Nor will I be there when they draw lots to decide which one they eat first.  I'm betting the dog makes it out of the first round.

Summer Hiatus, Part III

One more extended vacation from this blog before heading back to school and the routine- this time I'll be spending a week at Hampton Beach NH, where we've been renting a house every late July/early August since the late-90s.  Very little by way of internet connectivity, so no chance of updating the blog until Saturday, August 5.

Please enjoy the archives while I spend a week taking long walks, swimming, playing paddle ball and having coffee and protein bars for breakfast and ice cream for dinner....and playing ancient video games at the arcade.  See you next Saturday!

Remember when Dell sold their laptops as educational tools?

Well, that's over.  Now Dell encourages kids to use their laptops to secretly play stupid video games instead of paying attention in class.

Oh, but maybe the hidden message here is that Peter Parker is already a science savant bored out of his mind in a way-too-easy High School science class, so he can totally ignore the lame teacher and play mind-numbing, time-sucking games and still ace every test?

And I'm not even going to get into the fact that the kid is supposed to be Peter Parker and he's playing a video game starring- his alter ego?  Seriously, what the hell?  Oh wait, I said I wasn't going to get into that.

Allstate: Being Passive-Aggressive/ Antisocial is funny now!

Pretty much every YouTube commentator/glue-sniffer adores this ad.  They all find it LOL OMIGD SO FREAKING FUNNY, thanking Allstate for "finally depicting a smart man in a commercial for a change," and begging the company for more commercials just like this EPIC BTW WHO IS THE MOM SHE IS SO HOT ad.

Personally?  I wonder why the hell this guy is ok with the job of carting around his idiot zombie family, or why no adult in any commercial featuring cell phones has any control at all over when they are used and when they are off.  (Great modeling there, btw, Mom.)  I wonder what would be so horrible about this guy saying "turn your phones off when you're in the car and talk to eachother like human beings.  Pretend we're a family or something."  But apparently that simply isn't done anymore.

Instead, we get an ad which would only be funny if the husband was saying something like "you idiots have no idea that I've cleaned out the bank account and am going to fake my own death so I can be with my mistress starting Friday night.  And maybe you won't even care until the phone bill comes and you realize how addicted you are to electronic stimulus.  I'd almost like to see that.  But not enough to stick around."

Now that would be a commercial worth gushing over.  This?  Not so much.

Explain this Southwest Commercial to me

In all of the other episodes in Southwest's apparently neverending "Wanna Get Away?" ad campaign (which I think rivals only Flo from Progressive in wearing out their welcome) we kind of get that someone has done something really stupid and would really, really like to be able to melt into the ground and vanish from sight rather than deal with the consequences of that really stupid thing.

But in this ad, the guy who shows up and identifies Fenwick has unwittingly saved the life of every person in his defeated group except one- Fenwick.  They should all be thrilled that they managed to be incredibly loyal and brave yet because of this one guy they will get to tell their grandchildren how incredibly loyal and brave they were.  The dope looking for his shield has saved an entire army from annihilation- only one guy, Fenwick, will be sacrificed.  Which is what Fenwick wanted anyway- shouldn't he be the very first to thank this guy?  I mean, what are we supposed to think- that if the guy with the shield hadn't shown up, they all would have been spared, and now they are all going to be executed?  Because I got the opposite message.

(After all, if after the battle between the slave army and the Romans in Spartacus someone had unwittingly identified Kirk Douglas as the guy Lawrence Olivier was looking for, Spartacus would have been satisfied, Crassus would have been satisfied, and the slave army would have been sad but spared.  Instead they all get crucified.  That's a happier ending?)

So what am I missing here?

Oh Bite Me, Mercedes Benz

So the people in this boring but affluent suburb are doing the usual boring but affluent things- playing catch, writing on the driveway with chalk, etc.- just minding their own business and enjoying life, when....

...they are interrupted by a parade of roaring ImpulseBuy LookAtMe StatusMobiles, which completely distract each and every one of them from the quiet little moments they were enjoying and compel them to stare with drooling mouths at the cars which for some reason are coming down their street at a speed at least 15-10 MPH over the posted speed limit (oh and this is apparently the only suburb in the United States without any speed bumps, anywhere, but never mind....)

I supposed that when these idiots have moved on, the kids and adults who live in this suburb will completely forget what they were doing and will continue to be consumed with Consumer Lust which will not be satisfied until a red Mercedes Benz is in the driveway.  I just hope that once that itch is scratched they are allowed to go back to doing those innocent but very unprofitable things they were enjoying before they were interrupted by Madison Avenue.  Down $60 K or so, it's back to playing catch and writing on the sidewalk, right?

Please?