Oh Bite Me, Windows 10*

If I had a nickle for every commercial, tv show or film which "celebrated" an "amazing, gifted, awesomely dedicated and engaging" teacher with all of six freaking students, I'd be rich.  And retired from my job as an actual teacher with no fewer than 15 kids in each class who uses a computer which may or may not have a stable connection to the internet from one day to the next, and which randomly signs off at crucial moments during lessons Because That's A Problem We Can't Fix And No You Can't Either Because We Can't Give You Administrator Access.

*And you too, Mr. Toney The Amazing Teacher who uses rap to engage his kids, ensuring he'll live in their hearts forever blah blah blah.  Bite me hard.  Then, go die in a fire.   I'd type more, but I have to get up tomorrow and go teach actual information to my actual classes.  Without Windows 10.

Ok that does it, Mila! Our marriage is OFF!

Wow, what could be more heartwarming than watching Ashton Kutcher, Mila Kunis, and other semi-talented but very wealthy young people spending gobs of money making someone's "Houzz dreams"*come true?  Hmmm...how about an extinction-level event featuring a comet the size of Alaska?  That would be even more heartwarming- and much, much more welcome than this self-indulgent tripe.

Someday, someone will explain the appeal of these "watch spoiled brats with unlimited budgets knock down walls, install ridiculously pricey appliances and basically do whatever the hell they want Because Money" shows which are currently a plague on our nation.  I just don't get it.  That being said, Mila Kunis could furnish my basement anytime.  If I had a basement.

I really hate everything right now.

("Houzz?"  Why, television?  WHY?)

Chevy's latest Real People, Not Actors insult puts a bow on my summer

1.  "If you are looking for adventure this summer," you aren't going to find it test-driving a Chevy, because you aren't going to find a Chevy dealer willing to let you drive 90 MPH around a freaking racetrack.  It would be exciting to do that- but you know what, it would probably be exciting to drive ANY car 90 MPH on a race track.  What the hell does that have to do with what you are actually going to be using a car for in real life, you stupid hicks?

2.  "I think I left my SOUL back there."  Oh, I have no doubt that's true, buddy.  And all you got in return was about five seconds of tv face time.  And for the next fifty years, you can entertain your friends with this clip of you pretending to wet your pants over a freaking Chevrolet.  Hope it was worth it.  No refunds.

3.  "Can I take this home with me?"  Cripes, that's the least they should let you do for surrendering what little dignity you had left to be in this ad, Stupid Woman.  Definitely, take the car home and thanks for proving once again that "What Would You Do For a Klondike Bar?" was a prophetic vision of our future.  Sure people in the 70s would dance like a chicken for a few ounces of ice cream and chocolate shell, but they had more pride in their little fingers than these Chevy Real People, Not Actors do in their entire bodies.  If they don't at least get to drive off in these crappy piles of junk on wheels after their shameless buttkissing, they sold themselves way too cheap.

If you thought Nestle hated you, check out Dockers!

We all know and loathe the Kit Kat commercials which feature no actual dialogue, just horrible sound effects including beeps, rings, buzzers and bells to the "break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar" jingle.  We especially hate them when we suffer from sound sensitivity issues.  And that makes us hate companies which behave as if if they aren't aware such issues exist, or who are perfectly willing to give a gigantic middle finger to those who suffer from them.

So if you have Hypersensitive Hearing, Misophonia, Phonophobia, Hyperacusis, etc. you've probably trained yourself to leap for the remote mute button whenever a Kit Kat commercial comes on.  Well, now you can look forward to even more suffering, because Dockers is comign at you with what I'm sure they think is super-clever advertising but is in fact another painful wall of noise.  And they either don't know, don't give a damn, or think your suffering is funny.  So I've been subjected to this garbage during Every. Single. Commercial Break. On ESPN.com while watching the Red Sox-Yankees game.  I hope you burn in hell, ESPN.  AND Dockers.

(BTW, I don't think I suffer from any of the conditions I listed above; if I do, they've gone undiagnosed.  But I do find these ads obnoxious and grating and they do make me want to seriously hurt someone, so who knows.)

Another Breathtakingly dumb Geico Ad? Nothing surprising about this at all.

The only thing more depressing than the thought of human beings putting actual time and money into producing this drek is the response of the glue-sniffing Youtube commenters below it.  I really, really hope that at least most of them are just paid shills, because if this many people really enjoyed this ad (one suggests that it may convince him to switch to Geico, because hey if Geico is clever enough to make a "Running of the Bulldogs" ad, they MUST be awesome at providing coverage in the event of an accident, right?) I really don't know if I can go on doing this blog.   It's just getting too sad for me.

Or maybe I'm just weird

Am I the only person who saw this commercial and thought

A.  The dad has broken up with his daughter and is trying to win her back,

B.  The dad is way too invested in his daughter's relationship issues and is being uber-creepy in his response to a 20-year old woman's decision to break it off with a 14-year old boy (seriously, that boy is not old enough to have been dating that girl.  Maybe that's why she ended it- a judge told her to?)

C.  The dad is acting like a jealous weirdo with the whole sprinkler thing.  I think Uncle Buck kidnapping his neice's unfaithful boyfriend, trussing him like a turkey and dumping him into the trunk of his beater made more sense than this.  Is dad really so convinced that his daughter can't handle this on her own?

D.  Do daughters who are recovering from a breakup really want hugs from dad?  I would think a long conversation over coffee at Starbucks with her best GIRL FRIENDS would be more realistic here.

And I don't care about this, Honda

Based on what we are allowed to see, I've put together the backstory of this commercial:

This family, despairing of ever finding any joy in the relationship they have been damned by DNA to share thanks to unthinking relatives most of whom have passed on, decide to pack up a picnic lunch and drive off to the desert to have a nice final meal followed by a murder-suicide.

Once they've finished off the bucket of KFC and two six-packs of Pepsi they brought with them, they realize that they lack the courage to break out the cyanide-laced PowerAde and, more depressed than ever, settled for taking a few pictures of the bleak landscape before piling back into the family SUV and returning through the desert to their even bleaker suburban dungeon.

On the way, one of the younger members of this Family of the Damned decides to provoke someone into putting him out of his misery by singing out loud, breaking the family's No Talking In The Car rule which is tolerated because there's no internet connection anyway (Idiot Dad, who has Always Let Us Down, didn't get the car which came with it's own WiFi, the cheap douchenozzle.)

The other people in the car, collectively figuring "wow, I had no idea life could actually get worse" join in, perhaps hoping that this is the thing that might push them to do what they really want to do and start guzzling that PowerAde after all.