Rocket Mortgage: So simple, even a Girl can use it

Or "Don't ask Sarah about Mortgages.  She's just a girl."

Sarah is a fifth-grade teacher who uses the magic of cliche'd math problems scrawled in chalk on a blackboard to mold young minds (all eight of them in her equally cliche'd tiny class of kids.)

Sarah is also super-cool because she creates robots advanced and powerful enough to win competitions for her Girlbot team or whatever that t-shirt says (I don't care.)  I guess she's a fifth-grade math teacher because she likes making $25,000 a year despite having technical skills that could earn her 3-4 times that much in a starting position outside the public sector.  Whatever, Sarah.  Your life.

But Sarah doesn't know anything about mortgages, because you know that involves math and stuff and Sarah...doesn't know a lot about math?  The subject she teaches and uses to make robots?  Sarah really needs to use Rocket Mortgage and its one-page thirty-year contracts she can read and apply for on her Smartphone because a traditional bank mortgage requires too many pages and too much jargon for her pretty little head to manage?

Is that really the message here, Rocket Mortgage?  Because is sure sounds like it.  Sarah may be a genius math teacher and techie but mortgages involve big numbers (like six figures, scary!) including percentages (even scarier!) and it's not like she's got the kind of Guy Brain she'd need to be REALLY good at math.  Right?

Password Troll. Just another sign of the Very Dumb Times we live in

Four minutes-plus of this cloying, manipulative and self-indulgent crap.  I watch it, so you don't have to.  And I don't even get paid for it.  Maybe someday you'll have the opportunity to thank me.

This entire mess- all FOUR-PLUS FREAKING MINUTES OF IT- is a tale of how ANNOYING and OH SO HARD TO REMEMBER ME BRAIN SO SMALL passwords are.  Never mind that they protect your bank account, retirement fund info, and a lot of other really important stuff (and not just your Netflix and Hulu accounts.)  Don't let that worry your pretty little heads- the important thing is to stop taxing that brain of yours with having to remember stuff that doesn't involve eating junk food.

Passwords- or what us old fogies call "Security," is for losers who have the time to remember junk like letters and numbers did I mention how PAINFULLY HARD THAT IS?  So trust these guys with all that and you'll never have to worry about security- I mean, passwords- ever again.  It's  not like you really care about it now.  It's just that this archaic password stuff still exists even though you don't know why because gosh it really slows you down when you want to buy stuff, man that sucks.

I wrote this blog post in just under two minutes- half the time I spent watching this awful password troll crap commercial the YouTubers think is just awesome because it is so true man it's hard to remember stuff plus it's lame.  Actually, that's a lie.  I didn't watch the whole video.  Because I don't need a "point" jammed into my brain over and over again until I "get" the genius who developed this steaming pile of smarmy crud.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to give these guys my lame passwords and start celebrating the fact that I'll get to my stuff almost 4 seconds faster than you stupid 20th century losers with your security codes.  Right after I contact MyCleanPC.com and get rid of all these registry errors.  Only $39.95.  Awesome deal, and I can do it with just a few clicks.

I'm still more interested in eGuillotine than eTrade

The barely-human pig-creature in this commercial defines success as having the leisure time to spend some part of the final years of his worthless, pointless and utterly meaningless life polluting the ocean with golf balls hit off the back of a f--ng yacht.  Jimmy Carter he is not.

And if this makes us "mad," we are supposed to respond by getting eTrade.  I guess the theory is that if we want some level of revenge against revolting lizard subhumans like this grizzled old money-grubbing leach on humanity, we need to use an investing App to make ourselves even more rich- and then what?  Buy a submarine, torpedo this guy's yacht, and then hit golf balls at his bobbing head until he goes under for a final time?

Discover the pain only commercials like this can provide

1.  I've watched this commercial four times, and I still can't figure out whether or not the same actor is playing the prospective Discover Card customer and the Discover Card Phone Center Monkey.  If it is the same actor, it only makes sense if this is the way Discover is saving a little bit of money by only hiring one guy to cover two roles and thinks this is clever in some way.  If they are two different actors, how depressing is it that Generic Thirtysomething Guy on TV Commercials has become SO generic that they might as well just clone this stupid scruffy loser and sell him to ad companies already?

2.  Tell me how this jackass has a FICA score 100 points below mine but managed to finance a million-dollar house complete with a brick backyard barbecue and a patio featuring indoor furniture.  Or is that his living room in the background, and this house has windows instead of walls?  Either way, f--k you you douchenozzle and f--k your "just callin' cause I got even more spare time than I do spare money" attitude.

3.  Unlike the bored jerkwad calling from the ridiculous million-dollar McMansion, nobody has ever said "I'm so proud of you" to the phone monkey working in the Discover Card boiler room.  And certainly not in English, as I'm pretty sure Discover isn't paying Americans to take pointless calls from bored rich people who somehow managed to achieve financial success without being aware that there are ways of getting their credit score for free AND that checking doesn't impact the freaking score.  The guy wasting time with the pond scum and his dog should be a lot browner and his accent should be a lot more Middle-Eastern.  I'm sure his name is still Bob, though.

Oh Bite Me, Windows 10*

If I had a nickle for every commercial, tv show or film which "celebrated" an "amazing, gifted, awesomely dedicated and engaging" teacher with all of six freaking students, I'd be rich.  And retired from my job as an actual teacher with no fewer than 15 kids in each class who uses a computer which may or may not have a stable connection to the internet from one day to the next, and which randomly signs off at crucial moments during lessons Because That's A Problem We Can't Fix And No You Can't Either Because We Can't Give You Administrator Access.

*And you too, Mr. Toney The Amazing Teacher who uses rap to engage his kids, ensuring he'll live in their hearts forever blah blah blah.  Bite me hard.  Then, go die in a fire.   I'd type more, but I have to get up tomorrow and go teach actual information to my actual classes.  Without Windows 10.

Ok that does it, Mila! Our marriage is OFF!

Wow, what could be more heartwarming than watching Ashton Kutcher, Mila Kunis, and other semi-talented but very wealthy young people spending gobs of money making someone's "Houzz dreams"*come true?  Hmmm...how about an extinction-level event featuring a comet the size of Alaska?  That would be even more heartwarming- and much, much more welcome than this self-indulgent tripe.

Someday, someone will explain the appeal of these "watch spoiled brats with unlimited budgets knock down walls, install ridiculously pricey appliances and basically do whatever the hell they want Because Money" shows which are currently a plague on our nation.  I just don't get it.  That being said, Mila Kunis could furnish my basement anytime.  If I had a basement.

I really hate everything right now.

("Houzz?"  Why, television?  WHY?)

Chevy's latest Real People, Not Actors insult puts a bow on my summer

1.  "If you are looking for adventure this summer," you aren't going to find it test-driving a Chevy, because you aren't going to find a Chevy dealer willing to let you drive 90 MPH around a freaking racetrack.  It would be exciting to do that- but you know what, it would probably be exciting to drive ANY car 90 MPH on a race track.  What the hell does that have to do with what you are actually going to be using a car for in real life, you stupid hicks?

2.  "I think I left my SOUL back there."  Oh, I have no doubt that's true, buddy.  And all you got in return was about five seconds of tv face time.  And for the next fifty years, you can entertain your friends with this clip of you pretending to wet your pants over a freaking Chevrolet.  Hope it was worth it.  No refunds.

3.  "Can I take this home with me?"  Cripes, that's the least they should let you do for surrendering what little dignity you had left to be in this ad, Stupid Woman.  Definitely, take the car home and thanks for proving once again that "What Would You Do For a Klondike Bar?" was a prophetic vision of our future.  Sure people in the 70s would dance like a chicken for a few ounces of ice cream and chocolate shell, but they had more pride in their little fingers than these Chevy Real People, Not Actors do in their entire bodies.  If they don't at least get to drive off in these crappy piles of junk on wheels after their shameless buttkissing, they sold themselves way too cheap.