Cars.com's Lie Detector ad - all the humor is in the comment section

Never mind the ad- it's even dumber than most car ads and even less to do with actual cars than most car ads.  In a nutshell, the message is that Cars.com makes car buying so easy that you might miss the "drama" of buying a car the old-fashioned way (personally, I'd rather walk into a car dealership and make the salesmen do their job, and I've never experienced any "drama" while buying a car- that's all on the salesman's side, I am the one who will make the decision which will determine if he makes money, after all- but that's just me.)

The car salesmen, sensing that the guy here does miss the drama, attaches him to a lie detector machine, and he goes along with it Because Commercials.  And his horrible shrew of a wife, instead of saying something like sensible like "take those stupid things off your fingers, these people are insane, let's go find the car at a dealership not run by insane people," decides to ask exactly one question that could only have been written by a male- "do you think my sister is prettier than me?"

Since the guy's response is to freeze and sweat and panic before screaming and tearing off the electrodes, I guess the answer is "yes" but he doesn't want to say.  So maybe this couple ends up in counseling instead of buying a car together.  Maybe the guy just decides he no longer wants to live with this manipulative, insecure harpy and decides to file for divorce and give her sister a call.  I don't know, because I'm kind of "never-minding" the actual ad.

No, just skip the ad and go to the comment section.  It apparently doesn't bother any of these mouth-breathing children that this ad has no punchline.  They all think that it's LOL HILARIOUS and at least one even suggests that it should have been a Superbowl ad.  That's much more horrible than this commercial.  The only thing that justifies this level of praise for a commercial as noxiously void of humor as this one is if the posters doing the praising are all paid tools of Cars.com.  That would still be sad.  But I'd rather think that was the case than believe that this many people wouldn't know funny if it crushed their skull with a hammer.  Which is also not a bad idea. 

Time to put this bit to bed, Chevy

First of all, this guy's face has become so ubiquitous on America's tv screens that it's really hard to believe that anyone wouldn't recognize him in relation to Chevrolet in about fifteen seconds.  And then punch him hard in the mouth for presuming that you want to be in a stupid Chevy commercial.*

Second, the "real people" in this ad are so quick to just "go along" with the Chevy carnival barker and get into someone else's car, aren't they?  Not like any sane people, who would say "um, no- I don't want to get into someone else's car.  I just want my car.  And I don't want to be in your stupid commercial, either.  So I'm not signing a release.  So get the f-- out of my face and get my f--ing car, please."  Yeah, these are "real people, not actors."  It would be a lot more honest if Chevy just told us that these were "real people, wannabee actors" (check out the guy's "not my car" double-take.  Very genuine, buddy.  I'm really sold on the idea that you're surprised.  Uh huh.)

Third, nobody is getting into a strange car to "check it out" when they just left a restaurant and want to drive away in their car.  If I wasn't one of these "real people, obvious actors" camera whores, I'd be pretty damned resentful that I'm basically being offered a chance to look at a really NICE car while I'm waiting for my obviously inferior one.  F--k you, Chevy.

*Can we agree that this guy has maybe the most punchable face on television?

I bought you this phone so can you at least change your Facebook relationship status now?

Hey ladies, guess what?  If a guy you've been dating for a month buys you a  $900 iPhone, he's given up trying to date you and moved on to attempting to buy you.

So if you are the kind of girl who can be bought, this guy is a perfect catch for you- looks like he's got money and he's willing to spend it.  And if you are the kind of girl who maybe can't be bought but can be guilted into being more serious with a guy because he buys you inappropriately expensive gifts after a month of dating, you are the perfect catch for this kind of guy.

I know, I know- the "message" of this ad is actually supposed to be "here's an excuse to buy yourself that iPhone you want- just buy one for someone else and get yours at the same time."  It's still uber-creepy that this guy doesn't have any longtime friends, relatives etc he can pull this on, and instead has to resort to handing someone he barely knows a very expensive gift which will be welcomed only by golddiggers, extremely shallow people or women who are genereally not users but really, really want the iPhone8.

KFC Scrapes the Bottom of the Bucket

To call this ad an example of dumbing down is an insult to the phrase "dumbing down."  It's not taking something already really stupid and making it simpler.  It's performing a lobotomy.  This ad is made for an audience which would find hand puppets too complicated.

Never mind the pathetic whoring being done by the paid YouTube commentators below.  This is the kind of ad that was once rejected as a torture method for fear of future UN reprisals.  This commercial is, quite simply, a war crime.

If you like this ad, please don't let me know.  Life is depressing enough.  Just show how much you like it by consuming lots and lots of KFC and removing yourself from the planet as quickly as possible.   You will not be missed.

Let the station do all the "Playing"

Remember when the park was the Best Place to Play?

Remember when it was the woods, or the beach, or the batting cages or the local baseball diamond?

Remember when, a night or two every year, it was the county fair?

Remember when it was the hill behind your house on the weekends and during those magical times called Snow Days?

Well, now that it's the 21st century, the Best Place to Play is the couch in the Room Where The TV Is.

Enjoy your atrophied brains, obesity and juvenile diabetes, you morons.  The sun is still shining, the parks are still there, and on snow days that hill still beckons.  Not that you give a damn.

What the hell, Allstate?

Ok, as near as I can figure, here is the story behind this ad-

Once upon a time- all the way back in 1971, in fact- this guy was in an Allstate Commercial for a few seconds.  Some years later, this guy died.  Even more years later, one of his kids became engaged to be married, and another one of his kids decided "hey, it's really sad that dad isn't here to share this very special day so wouldn't it be cool if we could find that Allstate Commercial he was in back in 1971 and show it to everyone before the wedding?"

Because nobody in this family has any common sense or taste, nobody said "well, actually, no, because while we all miss Dad and everything, the day is going to be about the couple actually getting married and it's supposed to be joyous- not sure how showing a grainy, washed out old commercial featuring Dad shilling for insurance before the ceremony is going to do anything except detract from the reason we're all together. 

I mean, we all miss Dad and wish he could be here.  I want to make it clear that I totally understand that.  But we've got old home movies featuring Dad we could show.  We could, and certainly will, spend at least some of the day reflecting on our best memories featuring Dad.  Are you suggesting that we should try to replace all that with a ten-second clip of Dad in an Allstate Commercial?"

Nobody said that.  So while other people were doing things like arranging catering and fittings and booking the church and renting the hall and sending invitations and doing all those things that are normally part of the preparation for weddings (I assume.  I was just a groom after all, I didn't do any of that stuff.  I just showed up) this woman was writing to Allstate and asking the company to find a copy of the old Cheesy 70s Commercial With Dad Wearing Ugly Clothing.  And because of her exhaustive efforts to carry out her plan to do this rather pointless thing that no one had the guts to tell her was pretty stupid and kind of a waste of time, everyone got to spend a few minutes of the wedding day pretending to appreciate a rather maudlin look at Dear old Dad, and then pretended to laugh because Hey Her Heart was in the Right Place.

But don't tell me that the message of this ad is anything larger than "Allstate is totally shameless when it comes to pretending to care about it's customers, especially when an eight-second YouTube search can find the video clip one of those customers desperately wants to see for some reason, and when Allstate can later use it in a modern commercial."  Because I'm not buying it.

Hope this family enjoyed the trip down memory lane, though, and that it didn't put too much of a pall on what was supposed to be a happy event.  Sort of.  Actually, I don't care.  Don't have to be nice, just have to be honest.

Oh give me a break, NFL

None of these coaches needed to go "undercover."  Not one person in 10,000 has the slightest idea what they look like, and even less care.

Hell, they could walk around wearing name tags and nobody would know who they were.  We'd all just be wondering why they were wearing name tags.

What kind of insane ego trip is this?  Nobody is watching football to see the coaches!  I mean, I might recognize one or two NFL quarterbacks on the street.  I MIGHT recognize Bill Bellichick.  That's it.  THESE guys?  Come on!