Heads up, Trophy Wives!

Get off that Peliton bike and put down that cup of cottage cheese and pay attention to the latest news!  Pores are bad things- your husband knows they exist, but he just as soon you not remind him that you have them!

So take a tip from Penelope Cruz and Loreal!  Want hubby to keep his hands off the babysitter?  Keep yourself looking her age for as long as possible, and rub this stuff all over your face several times a day!  Might just buy you another year or so of marital....um...."bliss!"

Ok, that's all we have for today!  Get back on that bike before you start sagging- but get hubby another beer first!  I mean, while you're up and those heirs you made for him are still in naptime!

The Answer is Gold! What was the question again? Never mind, just buy gold!

This commercial is practically a parody of itself.  It's almost hysterically funny that anyone would take it seriously- hell, I'm impressed that the actors here manage to keep a straight face during filming.  I could probably go on for several pages on how utterly asinine and insanely dishonest this whole thing is, but I have a really long weekend of test writing ahead of me so I'd better just boil it down to a few observations:

1.  "The U.S. Money Reserve?"  What the hell?  That just SOUNDS stupid.  So this isn't the Mint, and it's not the Federal Reserve- it's the "U.S. Money Reserve?"  Why didn't they just go with "Here at the U.S. Dollars-keeping Place?" It doesn't sound any more stupid or obviously fake than "The U.S. Money Reserve."

2.  "Tens of millions of dollars are being shipped here every month."  So what's with the reporters and other "important guests" who have been "invited by Special Invitation?"  If this happens every month, what's so important about this moment exactly?  And if this is such an important, By Invitation Only moment, why the hell are you broadcasting it on USA Network in between reruns of Law and Order?

3.  Oh, I see.  "Tensions are high" because an "Emergency Gold Conference" has just been called by "the 35th U.S. Mint Director, Phillip N Diehl."  Let's note, first of all, that Mr. Diehl is standing outside the U.S. Mint, just like you or I or any number of tourists could stand to have their picture taken so that the words "U.S. Mint" can appear above our heads.  Secondly, let's remind ourselves that Mr. Diehl resigned as the U.S. Mint Director in March....of 2000.  More than 17 years ago.  He's not an official of the U.S.  Government.  He's just a private citizen picking up a quick paycheck shilling for a company which specializes in convincing stupid rubes to put their hard-earned money into shiny pieces of metal that are valueless unless someone is willing to give them back paper for them in the future.

4.  Oh, wait.  Mr. Diehl is here because "he's about to reveal his new Classified and Confidential Gold Report," which sure looks like a single sheet of paper made up of nothing but a title page.  " Um, what?  How can a sales pitch by a private individual be "classified?"  Sure, it could be "confidential," but it sounds like Mr. Diehl is about to share that "confidential" information with a crowd of reporters, VIPs there by invitation only, and the shut-ins watching Law and Order on the USA Network in the middle of a random afternoon. 

5.  My favorite two lines from Mr. Diehl during his "press conference"- in the event of a crisis, "gold could be the only money you could get your hands on if everything else were inaccessible."  Can't argue with that.  The secondl line refers to the threat of terrorists armed with automatic weapons and CGI nuclear missles:  "It could be just a matter of time before a major attack may happen on U.S. soil again, and the Dow could drop thousands of points just like it did in 2008."  Wait, what?  The United States suffered a major terrorist attack on September 11, 2001.  The Stock Market crash occured for totally unrelated reasons seven years later.  WTF?

Holy crap, I'm only 29 seconds into this thing and it's two minutes long- I can't spend any more time on this total bs, so I'll just wrap it up here- Mr. Diehl's "report" on the "25 reasons you should buy gold right now because bad things happen around the world so trust us pretty rocks are a great investment even better than burying your cash in coffee cans or purchasing time shares" is available exclusively to people capable of holding their phone with one hand and a credit card with the other for thirty seconds.  And stupid enough to buy in to this choreographed schlock pitched by a retired beaurocrat who is currently a member of organizations such as the Industry Council for Tangible Assets, The Coalition of Equitable Regulation and Taxation, and the Gold and Silver Political Action Committee.  No, I did not make any of those up. 

Fools, Money- I wish you both a happy parting.  I'm sure it won't be painful, as you probably didn't get a chance to know eachother very well anyway. 

I hope Amazon is Skynet. It would serve us right

Here's another thorougly depressing commercial featuring a piece of technology which went from nonexistent to Absolutely Essential How Did We Ever Live Without this in about fourteen minutes following it's release.

I mean, look at what's going on here- remember how you used to make To Do Lists and then cross off each item as it was completed?  Well, that's way too cumbersome for busy 21st century people like these, now you just tell Alexa to cross it off for you.  Remember how you didn't know how to spell words and had to ask a fellow human or consult a dictionary?  Now you just ask Alexa, there you go.  Hell, you just figured out how to send text messages- and now you don't have to anymore, because Alexa (all you had to was figure out how to add all your future ex-friends to Alexa's saved data, but I'm sure that was super easy anyway- nobody in this ad looks or acts like a rocket scientist, after all....)

And thank goodness for Alexa for times like this, because it sure used to be super-awkward to have to call people on the day of a birthday party they were invited to and ask them to bring....candles.  Seriously, that happens in this ad.  Because Alexa isn't yet capable of producing candles out of thin air for these mouth-breathing, helpless dimwits.  Next year.

(Oh and you didn't have to ask Alexa to ask anyone to bring wine, lady.  It's a kid's birthday party.  The other adults are going to bring wine.  Lots of it.  They weren't planning on bringing candles- because who the hell forgets candles?- but they were bringing wine.)

Anyway, Alexa never gets shut down for the entire day of prepping for some stupid kid's stupid birthday party, and it's a good thing because it's pretty clear that the adults in this ad couldn't find the oven or the front door without it's assistance.   I can't believe that this helplessness-encouraging brain replacement device was produced by the same company that gave us the Kindle at the dawn of this millenium.  Oh but they turned that into a television in about fifteen minutes, so maybe I can.

I can clear this up, Stephen A Smith and Taco Bell!

(Oh and all the non-celebrities, cartoon characters, non-celebrities acting like cartoon characters etc. in this commercial- I'm here to help you ALL out too!)

See, what this is is Taco Bell's latest idea for selling cheap, greasy, fat-laden garbage to people with no money or taste buds.  This time it's a package of fried egg and cheese that fits into your hand (wow, how original.)  Eat enough of them, and someday your doctor will show you your EKG scan and you'll mutter "what the...." before he explains to you that your eating habits have shortened your life by many, many years so he's going to have to insist on full payment on the spot, as he can't be at all sure you aren't going to drop dead on your way home from the office.

Glad to be of service.  No charge.

Why Amazon Go is, in fact, the Mark of the Beast

No, I am not being hyperbolic here.  I hate hyperbole.  I've said many times that I view hyperbolic people as worse than Stalin.  But in fact when preparing to post on this particular ad I considered these alternative titles:

Because you need to justify spending hundreds of dollars a year on "updated" SmartPhones

Because we can't stop "improving" technology until everyone on Earth has lost their job- which will in turn solve all the other problems related to shopping, won't it?

Because you want to limit your social interaction as much as possible but aren't quite ready- or organized enough- to do all your shopping online yet.

Because you need another way to set yourself apart from the Lower Classes who still use stores staffed by actual people.

And settled on something which came close to "this is the end of civilization."  It's over.  You've already lost your ability to speak to people face to face or even over the phone, and must now express yourself using emojis and #HitAndRunAlmostSentences.  You already can't walk and chew gum at the same time without getting Google to explain to you, in step by step instrutions downloaded to that phone, exactly how to go about doing that.  Five minutes after chip technology replaced Swiping (which replaced those carbon-paper receipt machines five minutes before that, and which replaced cash and checks five minutes before that) you're ready to be convinced that holding your phone over a scanner for three seconds is So Very Yesterday and An Enormous Time-Wasting Hassle Surely We Can Make Things Go Faster Oh Yay Amazon Go!

Civilization.  It was fun while it lasted.  Remember people?  In the end, I guess we decided that their negatives outweighed their positives, so they just aren't part of our lives anymore.  Whatever.  It's a beautiful, sunny autumn day, so it's time to check out Netflix.

Hanes' Smellfie ad just murdered my soul*

Ok, let's just go with the idea that there's something called "the Smellfies," and it involves emitting foul body odor at very inconvenient times, like when you show up for a date or are at a wedding or actually pretty much any time you are in public.

You COULD just take regular showers, use deodorant, and make sure you are wearing clean clothes and not just whatever you found piled up at the foot of your bed this morning.  You COULD do that.  But that's a really low-tech, 20th century solution, something your parents might have done.  It's practically 2018, so....

What you should do now to "Stop the Smellfies" is invest in Hanes High-Tech BO-inhibiting undergarments.  Sure, it costs more than their regular t-shirts and underwear, but if you wear that stuff you have to go back to bathing regularly and using deodorant, like your parents did.  You want to be like your parents?  You want to keep clean? 

Didn't think so.  Buy this stuff, and continue to revel in being a dirty, sweaty slob who lost your ability to practice basic hygiene around the same time you lost your ability to carry on an actual conversation that didn't involve emojis.   The world you're stinking the hell out of?  You're welcome to it.  And if you're on the fence about being a customer for Advanced Tech Anti-Stink underclothes?  Just take a freaking shower, hippie!

*Silver lining:  The Youtube commenters hate this ad almost as much as I do.  That's got to count for something.

Subaru's latest Love ad just ramps up the stupid....

The TV version of this thing mercifully cuts the pain down to about thirty seconds.  The internet version is a painfully drawn-out, hammer-to-the-brain-smarmy minute and a half of your life you will never get back.  Hey, I didn't tell you to watch it.

The punchline isn't grampa's "I Love Thoreau" bumper sticker (holy crap, we GET IT Subaru.  We didn't need that hammer to the brain!) It's the grandson asking if grampa felt compelled to lie to grandma and tell her that he was going fishing instead of surfing.  Because I guess grandma has no problem with fishing but would dissaprove of surfing because....reasons?  Maybe Subaru thinks that Thoreau fans are best known for lying to their wives?

Why can't this guy tell his wife he wants to go surfing with his grandson?  And what does a pointless lie about it have to do with "love" again?  And while we're at it, what does any of this mess have to do with Subarus?  I mean, WTF?