Wells Fargo: Favorite bank of very sad pet owners*

Here's an alternative response for this woman to give to her cat:

"Yes, I'm getting a dog.  I didn't even think to ask you about it, because you're an f--ing cat and wouldn't understand what I was saying and besides, this is MY house and you just live here.  If you don't like the idea of me getting a dog, feel free to run away and not come back."

For me, that works a lot better than this pathetic "oh please believe me I would never betray you" creepy pleading from crazy cat lady with an account at Wells Fargo.  But if that cat just keeps going, right down the hall, right past the stinky litter box, right out the door, never to return, well, even better.

You have nothing to lose but the stench and the expense, Crazy Cat Lady.

*On television, is there any other kind of pet owner?

How did I miss this gem from Best Buy?

This commercial is six years old.  I found it because I saw a brand-new Best Buy Time To Get Greedy And Overspend for Christmas commercial while watching the Patriots-Chargers game and went looking for it on YouTube.

I couldn't find the new ad, but this one will do because somehow it got past the radar in 2011.  I'm sure I just never saw it, because if I had I certainly would have posted it instantly.

I mean, look at what happens here.  Stupid, Selfish, Absolutely Horrible Woman just can't wait to see what hubby bought her from Best Buy.  Yet she has to until the family visits grandma.  So the moment Stupid, Selfish, Absolutely Horrible Woman sees her husband's mother, Missing Accomplished Lets Get Back to the House So I Can Rip that Wrapping off that Box and I can see what piece of machinery you've Added to my Life.

That was six years ago.  Maybe grandma is dead now, so SSAHW doesn't even have to hold her g--d d--mned s--t together long enough to go to her house and wave (maybe hubby makes the family drive past the cemetary every Christmas before the annual Ripping of the Wrapping Paper.)   Or maybe hubby one day woke up to the vicious monster that his wife is and called an attorney.  Either way, this is way too nasty to leave alone just because it's six years old.

Yes, we're done here.

The Intensely Sad world of Samsung

....and cell phones in general, I guess.

Anyone my age can probably remember the exact moment they first heard the words "I love you" from their significant other.  It's a magical moment I doubt any of us ever forget.  The softness of the tone, the exact time of day or night, the exact situation when the words just come out.

I can't imagine the same impact coming from a freaking text message.  How sterile and robotic is this?  "I think I'm ready to send you a scrawled virtual ink message to show up on your electronic device, I hope you respond with an emoji bc that would be kewl LOL."

Thank you, Mom and Dad, for having me be born when this wasn't considered normal.  I would not want to be growing up in this world.  It's really sad.

It's two seconds of this Nissan ad. But it's the only two seconds that count

There's a lot going on in this ad- as near as I can tell, the suburban dad here can't just have a nice time throwing a frisbee with his daughter, but notices that the family dog feels left out and is inspired to drive everyone to a stadium so he can....um....throw the frisbee and have the dog catch it instead.

Yeah, it's really stupid and pointless and maybe I'd understand if I were a dog owner- but you know, I'm not a dad either, and I'm pretty sure that if I had both a daughter and a dog I would put a higher priority on playing frisbee with my daughter than in making sure that the dog was being sufficiently entertained.

But putting all that aside, I can't get past the part where the giant Nissan Rogue comes extremely close to slamming into another dog owner and another dog because the guy driving it insists on cruising through a city street at 40 MPH.  Seriously, take a look at that moment in the ad- it's pretty clear that if this car didnt' have the auto braking feature, the Nissan Rogue Suburban Dad Moron would have ruined his daughter's day by running over another guy and another dog crossing the street at the crosswalk.  Don't believe me?  Watch it again- that car is going WAY TOO FAST and if it hadn't braked itself, the pedestrian and that dog would be DEAD.

And why was the Nissan Rogue driver going so fast?  Um... to get to a stadium so his dog could catch a frisbee in front of thousands of cheering people.  In other words, because Reasons.  So if this car didn't have automatic braking, the guy driving it would have MURDERED a fellow human being and his dog.  And then the driver would have shown up at the funeral to explain to the pedestrian's widow why he was driving so freaking fast through a city, and how he's learned his lesson and his next car will have auto braking for sure, Promise.

Ok, I'm going to be seriously ill now.

Heads up, Trophy Wives!

Get off that Peliton bike and put down that cup of cottage cheese and pay attention to the latest news!  Pores are bad things- your husband knows they exist, but he just as soon you not remind him that you have them!

So take a tip from Penelope Cruz and Loreal!  Want hubby to keep his hands off the babysitter?  Keep yourself looking her age for as long as possible, and rub this stuff all over your face several times a day!  Might just buy you another year or so of marital....um...."bliss!"

Ok, that's all we have for today!  Get back on that bike before you start sagging- but get hubby another beer first!  I mean, while you're up and those heirs you made for him are still in naptime!

The Answer is Gold! What was the question again? Never mind, just buy gold!

This commercial is practically a parody of itself.  It's almost hysterically funny that anyone would take it seriously- hell, I'm impressed that the actors here manage to keep a straight face during filming.  I could probably go on for several pages on how utterly asinine and insanely dishonest this whole thing is, but I have a really long weekend of test writing ahead of me so I'd better just boil it down to a few observations:

1.  "The U.S. Money Reserve?"  What the hell?  That just SOUNDS stupid.  So this isn't the Mint, and it's not the Federal Reserve- it's the "U.S. Money Reserve?"  Why didn't they just go with "Here at the U.S. Dollars-keeping Place?" It doesn't sound any more stupid or obviously fake than "The U.S. Money Reserve."

2.  "Tens of millions of dollars are being shipped here every month."  So what's with the reporters and other "important guests" who have been "invited by Special Invitation?"  If this happens every month, what's so important about this moment exactly?  And if this is such an important, By Invitation Only moment, why the hell are you broadcasting it on USA Network in between reruns of Law and Order?

3.  Oh, I see.  "Tensions are high" because an "Emergency Gold Conference" has just been called by "the 35th U.S. Mint Director, Phillip N Diehl."  Let's note, first of all, that Mr. Diehl is standing outside the U.S. Mint, just like you or I or any number of tourists could stand to have their picture taken so that the words "U.S. Mint" can appear above our heads.  Secondly, let's remind ourselves that Mr. Diehl resigned as the U.S. Mint Director in March....of 2000.  More than 17 years ago.  He's not an official of the U.S.  Government.  He's just a private citizen picking up a quick paycheck shilling for a company which specializes in convincing stupid rubes to put their hard-earned money into shiny pieces of metal that are valueless unless someone is willing to give them back paper for them in the future.

4.  Oh, wait.  Mr. Diehl is here because "he's about to reveal his new Classified and Confidential Gold Report," which sure looks like a single sheet of paper made up of nothing but a title page.  " Um, what?  How can a sales pitch by a private individual be "classified?"  Sure, it could be "confidential," but it sounds like Mr. Diehl is about to share that "confidential" information with a crowd of reporters, VIPs there by invitation only, and the shut-ins watching Law and Order on the USA Network in the middle of a random afternoon. 

5.  My favorite two lines from Mr. Diehl during his "press conference"- in the event of a crisis, "gold could be the only money you could get your hands on if everything else were inaccessible."  Can't argue with that.  The secondl line refers to the threat of terrorists armed with automatic weapons and CGI nuclear missles:  "It could be just a matter of time before a major attack may happen on U.S. soil again, and the Dow could drop thousands of points just like it did in 2008."  Wait, what?  The United States suffered a major terrorist attack on September 11, 2001.  The Stock Market crash occured for totally unrelated reasons seven years later.  WTF?

Holy crap, I'm only 29 seconds into this thing and it's two minutes long- I can't spend any more time on this total bs, so I'll just wrap it up here- Mr. Diehl's "report" on the "25 reasons you should buy gold right now because bad things happen around the world so trust us pretty rocks are a great investment even better than burying your cash in coffee cans or purchasing time shares" is available exclusively to people capable of holding their phone with one hand and a credit card with the other for thirty seconds.  And stupid enough to buy in to this choreographed schlock pitched by a retired beaurocrat who is currently a member of organizations such as the Industry Council for Tangible Assets, The Coalition of Equitable Regulation and Taxation, and the Gold and Silver Political Action Committee.  No, I did not make any of those up. 

Fools, Money- I wish you both a happy parting.  I'm sure it won't be painful, as you probably didn't get a chance to know eachother very well anyway. 

I hope Amazon is Skynet. It would serve us right

Here's another thorougly depressing commercial featuring a piece of technology which went from nonexistent to Absolutely Essential How Did We Ever Live Without this in about fourteen minutes following it's release.

I mean, look at what's going on here- remember how you used to make To Do Lists and then cross off each item as it was completed?  Well, that's way too cumbersome for busy 21st century people like these, now you just tell Alexa to cross it off for you.  Remember how you didn't know how to spell words and had to ask a fellow human or consult a dictionary?  Now you just ask Alexa, there you go.  Hell, you just figured out how to send text messages- and now you don't have to anymore, because Alexa (all you had to was figure out how to add all your future ex-friends to Alexa's saved data, but I'm sure that was super easy anyway- nobody in this ad looks or acts like a rocket scientist, after all....)

And thank goodness for Alexa for times like this, because it sure used to be super-awkward to have to call people on the day of a birthday party they were invited to and ask them to bring....candles.  Seriously, that happens in this ad.  Because Alexa isn't yet capable of producing candles out of thin air for these mouth-breathing, helpless dimwits.  Next year.

(Oh and you didn't have to ask Alexa to ask anyone to bring wine, lady.  It's a kid's birthday party.  The other adults are going to bring wine.  Lots of it.  They weren't planning on bringing candles- because who the hell forgets candles?- but they were bringing wine.)

Anyway, Alexa never gets shut down for the entire day of prepping for some stupid kid's stupid birthday party, and it's a good thing because it's pretty clear that the adults in this ad couldn't find the oven or the front door without it's assistance.   I can't believe that this helplessness-encouraging brain replacement device was produced by the same company that gave us the Kindle at the dawn of this millenium.  Oh but they turned that into a television in about fifteen minutes, so maybe I can.