State Farm turns over a new leaf

Maybe it was visited by three ghosts on the night of August 10, 2017?

I mean, there has to be some reason why the State Farm Insurance Company, which was founded in 1922, waited ninety-five years before suddenly deciding that "starting today," it was going to work with Americans who are facing financial difficulties, publishing that declaration on YouTube on August 11, 2017.

What was so special about that day?  Why not the previous week? Not enough Americans having a hard time making ends meet then?  For that matter, why not during the Great Depression?  Seems like State Farm would have had no problem finding a whole lot of people having a tough time making ends meet back then, too. 

Maybe I shouldn't be too hard on State Farm.  The company has a total net value of a quarter of a trillion dollars and an annual revenue stream of about $87 billion. I have quite a bit less than that and I have a hard time deciding exactly how and where to spend my money- it must be at least TWICE as hard for a gigantic insurance company to make decisions like that.  Still, did it really have to take ninety-five years for State Farm to wake up one day and decide "hey, you know what we should do?  Help people make good financial decisions and secure their futures for retirement and college and stuff."

Maybe this is just something corporate behemoths do when they've spent nearly a century becoming obscenely rich by taking premiums and not paying off policies except when absolutely required to by law and with as much foot-shuffling and delaying as humanly possible.  I don't know- again, I don't have a lot of experience handling quite as much money as State Farm deals with regularly. 

Maybe State Farm noticed that Steve Jobs behaved like a disgustingly, insanely greedy pig-human hybrid who insisted on moving his manufacturing base to Asia so he could build a personal fortune of $10 billion instead of the $5 billion he might have had by staying in North America and paying the people who put together his electronic toys a living wage....and then died of cancer at the age of 56 anyway.  Kind of a nice reminder that there just might be more to existence than watching your vault of money burst at the seams. 

Or maybe this is just a bit of cloying soft-sell from another "Company that Cares."  If that's the case, I'd still like to know why, when I was hit by a drunk driver fifteen years ago, State Farm couldn't give me my $500 deductible back because it was unable to extract it from the drunk who had no assets.  Oh right, I forgot.  That was before August 11, 2017.  They weren't in to giving a damn back then.

Too Much Minimalism in this New Balance Ad!

If you don't blink, and if you watch very closely, you actually can catch a glimpse of shoes in this advertisement for New Balance walking shoes.

No matter how hard you look, you won't see anything which suggests that the shoes are attractive, or comfortable, or durable, or has any of the qualities the typical consumer looks for in a walking shoe (I hope.)

You will, however, get a pretty good window in the lives of two people who are the only residents of an urban area whose paths intersect once as they wander about the desolate cityscape.  I can only guess that the look on the girls' face as she passes the guy is one of annoyance- "we've got thirty blocks to ourselves- and you can't find somewhere else to walk?  You have to cross into MY zone?"

"New Balance:  They're Shoes you wear on your feet.  So you can go outside."  Hey look at me, I'm Darrin Stevens!

Wells Fargo: Favorite bank of very sad pet owners*

Here's an alternative response for this woman to give to her cat:

"Yes, I'm getting a dog.  I didn't even think to ask you about it, because you're an f--ing cat and wouldn't understand what I was saying and besides, this is MY house and you just live here.  If you don't like the idea of me getting a dog, feel free to run away and not come back."

For me, that works a lot better than this pathetic "oh please believe me I would never betray you" creepy pleading from crazy cat lady with an account at Wells Fargo.  But if that cat just keeps going, right down the hall, right past the stinky litter box, right out the door, never to return, well, even better.

You have nothing to lose but the stench and the expense, Crazy Cat Lady.

*On television, is there any other kind of pet owner?

How did I miss this gem from Best Buy?

This commercial is six years old.  I found it because I saw a brand-new Best Buy Time To Get Greedy And Overspend for Christmas commercial while watching the Patriots-Chargers game and went looking for it on YouTube.

I couldn't find the new ad, but this one will do because somehow it got past the radar in 2011.  I'm sure I just never saw it, because if I had I certainly would have posted it instantly.

I mean, look at what happens here.  Stupid, Selfish, Absolutely Horrible Woman just can't wait to see what hubby bought her from Best Buy.  Yet she has to until the family visits grandma.  So the moment Stupid, Selfish, Absolutely Horrible Woman sees her husband's mother, Missing Accomplished Lets Get Back to the House So I Can Rip that Wrapping off that Box and I can see what piece of machinery you've Added to my Life.

That was six years ago.  Maybe grandma is dead now, so SSAHW doesn't even have to hold her g--d d--mned s--t together long enough to go to her house and wave (maybe hubby makes the family drive past the cemetary every Christmas before the annual Ripping of the Wrapping Paper.)   Or maybe hubby one day woke up to the vicious monster that his wife is and called an attorney.  Either way, this is way too nasty to leave alone just because it's six years old.

Yes, we're done here.

The Intensely Sad world of Samsung

....and cell phones in general, I guess.

Anyone my age can probably remember the exact moment they first heard the words "I love you" from their significant other.  It's a magical moment I doubt any of us ever forget.  The softness of the tone, the exact time of day or night, the exact situation when the words just come out.

I can't imagine the same impact coming from a freaking text message.  How sterile and robotic is this?  "I think I'm ready to send you a scrawled virtual ink message to show up on your electronic device, I hope you respond with an emoji bc that would be kewl LOL."

Thank you, Mom and Dad, for having me be born when this wasn't considered normal.  I would not want to be growing up in this world.  It's really sad.

It's two seconds of this Nissan ad. But it's the only two seconds that count

There's a lot going on in this ad- as near as I can tell, the suburban dad here can't just have a nice time throwing a frisbee with his daughter, but notices that the family dog feels left out and is inspired to drive everyone to a stadium so he can....um....throw the frisbee and have the dog catch it instead.

Yeah, it's really stupid and pointless and maybe I'd understand if I were a dog owner- but you know, I'm not a dad either, and I'm pretty sure that if I had both a daughter and a dog I would put a higher priority on playing frisbee with my daughter than in making sure that the dog was being sufficiently entertained.

But putting all that aside, I can't get past the part where the giant Nissan Rogue comes extremely close to slamming into another dog owner and another dog because the guy driving it insists on cruising through a city street at 40 MPH.  Seriously, take a look at that moment in the ad- it's pretty clear that if this car didnt' have the auto braking feature, the Nissan Rogue Suburban Dad Moron would have ruined his daughter's day by running over another guy and another dog crossing the street at the crosswalk.  Don't believe me?  Watch it again- that car is going WAY TOO FAST and if it hadn't braked itself, the pedestrian and that dog would be DEAD.

And why was the Nissan Rogue driver going so fast?  Um... to get to a stadium so his dog could catch a frisbee in front of thousands of cheering people.  In other words, because Reasons.  So if this car didn't have automatic braking, the guy driving it would have MURDERED a fellow human being and his dog.  And then the driver would have shown up at the funeral to explain to the pedestrian's widow why he was driving so freaking fast through a city, and how he's learned his lesson and his next car will have auto braking for sure, Promise.

Ok, I'm going to be seriously ill now.

Heads up, Trophy Wives!

Get off that Peliton bike and put down that cup of cottage cheese and pay attention to the latest news!  Pores are bad things- your husband knows they exist, but he just as soon you not remind him that you have them!

So take a tip from Penelope Cruz and Loreal!  Want hubby to keep his hands off the babysitter?  Keep yourself looking her age for as long as possible, and rub this stuff all over your face several times a day!  Might just buy you another year or so of marital....um...."bliss!"

Ok, that's all we have for today!  Get back on that bike before you start sagging- but get hubby another beer first!  I mean, while you're up and those heirs you made for him are still in naptime!