Grammarly- when you kind of want to sound like you, but not really because you're an illiterate idiot

"The Future" being one owned and controlled by idiots who don't read or write because Hey TV Was On Every Time I Planned To Do That Stuff.

"Does this sound like me?"  Well, no- it sounds like a literate person, and we know you aren't that.  As soon as the people who read this notice that it's not filled with grammatical errors, they are going to know you didn't write it.  And because they know what Grammarly is and get most of their information from Alexa and Siri and can't get to the local Starbucks without consulting turn-by-turn directions on their iPhones, they probably won't care either.

Oh, but this guy is going to be the "VP of Analytics."  Whatever the hell that is.  All I know about that job is that doing it doesn't require any actual English skills, because this worthless choad has already survived the interview and the rest of the hiring process and is now just momentarily flummoxed because for at least one day he has to pretend to know just a little bit about the language he allegedly grew up speaking (but never writing unless absolutely forced to, which wasn't often because Sports and TV. 

Two ways to "celebrate" prohibition, according to Budweiser

As near as I can figure:

First, you celebrate prohibition by drinking non-alcoholic "beer" because Reasons.  The only people who think this sounds intelligent probably add germs to milk to remind them of the good old days before Louis Pasteur came around and ruined everything.  Or they use chamberpots because it was so much cooler back when you had to fling your personal filth out the window instead of all this lame plumbing stuff.

Then, you wash that horrible taste of not-beer out of your mouth with "1933 Repeal Reserve."  If you are remarkably stupid- and the fact that you were just drinking non-alcoholic beer and are now drinking Budweiser in ANY form suggests that you are- you might just be able to con yourself into believing that this stuff is from the vaults of the Budweiser brewery.  It was just sitting there for 95 years, waiting for you to enjoy it for a limited time.  Uh-huh. 

Deleted Clip:  you then wash THAT horrible taste out of your mouth by consuming real beer. 

State Farm turns over a new leaf

Maybe it was visited by three ghosts on the night of August 10, 2017?

I mean, there has to be some reason why the State Farm Insurance Company, which was founded in 1922, waited ninety-five years before suddenly deciding that "starting today," it was going to work with Americans who are facing financial difficulties, publishing that declaration on YouTube on August 11, 2017.

What was so special about that day?  Why not the previous week? Not enough Americans having a hard time making ends meet then?  For that matter, why not during the Great Depression?  Seems like State Farm would have had no problem finding a whole lot of people having a tough time making ends meet back then, too. 

Maybe I shouldn't be too hard on State Farm.  The company has a total net value of a quarter of a trillion dollars and an annual revenue stream of about $87 billion. I have quite a bit less than that and I have a hard time deciding exactly how and where to spend my money- it must be at least TWICE as hard for a gigantic insurance company to make decisions like that.  Still, did it really have to take ninety-five years for State Farm to wake up one day and decide "hey, you know what we should do?  Help people make good financial decisions and secure their futures for retirement and college and stuff."

Maybe this is just something corporate behemoths do when they've spent nearly a century becoming obscenely rich by taking premiums and not paying off policies except when absolutely required to by law and with as much foot-shuffling and delaying as humanly possible.  I don't know- again, I don't have a lot of experience handling quite as much money as State Farm deals with regularly. 

Maybe State Farm noticed that Steve Jobs behaved like a disgustingly, insanely greedy pig-human hybrid who insisted on moving his manufacturing base to Asia so he could build a personal fortune of $10 billion instead of the $5 billion he might have had by staying in North America and paying the people who put together his electronic toys a living wage....and then died of cancer at the age of 56 anyway.  Kind of a nice reminder that there just might be more to existence than watching your vault of money burst at the seams. 

Or maybe this is just a bit of cloying soft-sell from another "Company that Cares."  If that's the case, I'd still like to know why, when I was hit by a drunk driver fifteen years ago, State Farm couldn't give me my $500 deductible back because it was unable to extract it from the drunk who had no assets.  Oh right, I forgot.  That was before August 11, 2017.  They weren't in to giving a damn back then.

Too Much Minimalism in this New Balance Ad!

If you don't blink, and if you watch very closely, you actually can catch a glimpse of shoes in this advertisement for New Balance walking shoes.

No matter how hard you look, you won't see anything which suggests that the shoes are attractive, or comfortable, or durable, or has any of the qualities the typical consumer looks for in a walking shoe (I hope.)

You will, however, get a pretty good window in the lives of two people who are the only residents of an urban area whose paths intersect once as they wander about the desolate cityscape.  I can only guess that the look on the girls' face as she passes the guy is one of annoyance- "we've got thirty blocks to ourselves- and you can't find somewhere else to walk?  You have to cross into MY zone?"

"New Balance:  They're Shoes you wear on your feet.  So you can go outside."  Hey look at me, I'm Darrin Stevens!

Wells Fargo: Favorite bank of very sad pet owners*

Here's an alternative response for this woman to give to her cat:

"Yes, I'm getting a dog.  I didn't even think to ask you about it, because you're an f--ing cat and wouldn't understand what I was saying and besides, this is MY house and you just live here.  If you don't like the idea of me getting a dog, feel free to run away and not come back."

For me, that works a lot better than this pathetic "oh please believe me I would never betray you" creepy pleading from crazy cat lady with an account at Wells Fargo.  But if that cat just keeps going, right down the hall, right past the stinky litter box, right out the door, never to return, well, even better.

You have nothing to lose but the stench and the expense, Crazy Cat Lady.

*On television, is there any other kind of pet owner?

How did I miss this gem from Best Buy?

This commercial is six years old.  I found it because I saw a brand-new Best Buy Time To Get Greedy And Overspend for Christmas commercial while watching the Patriots-Chargers game and went looking for it on YouTube.

I couldn't find the new ad, but this one will do because somehow it got past the radar in 2011.  I'm sure I just never saw it, because if I had I certainly would have posted it instantly.

I mean, look at what happens here.  Stupid, Selfish, Absolutely Horrible Woman just can't wait to see what hubby bought her from Best Buy.  Yet she has to until the family visits grandma.  So the moment Stupid, Selfish, Absolutely Horrible Woman sees her husband's mother, Missing Accomplished Lets Get Back to the House So I Can Rip that Wrapping off that Box and I can see what piece of machinery you've Added to my Life.

That was six years ago.  Maybe grandma is dead now, so SSAHW doesn't even have to hold her g--d d--mned s--t together long enough to go to her house and wave (maybe hubby makes the family drive past the cemetary every Christmas before the annual Ripping of the Wrapping Paper.)   Or maybe hubby one day woke up to the vicious monster that his wife is and called an attorney.  Either way, this is way too nasty to leave alone just because it's six years old.

Yes, we're done here.

The Intensely Sad world of Samsung

....and cell phones in general, I guess.

Anyone my age can probably remember the exact moment they first heard the words "I love you" from their significant other.  It's a magical moment I doubt any of us ever forget.  The softness of the tone, the exact time of day or night, the exact situation when the words just come out.

I can't imagine the same impact coming from a freaking text message.  How sterile and robotic is this?  "I think I'm ready to send you a scrawled virtual ink message to show up on your electronic device, I hope you respond with an emoji bc that would be kewl LOL."

Thank you, Mom and Dad, for having me be born when this wasn't considered normal.  I would not want to be growing up in this world.  It's really sad.