Heisman House Bottom of the Barrel absolute nothingness

The "joke" of this ad is that all the former Heisman trophy winners (including Tim Tebow, who has NOTHING but time)  some beer company could get to appear in an ad show up for a reunion and sit down to a banquet- only to suddenly revert to stupid little boys and engage in a food fight.  All of this is supposed to be LOL HYSTERICAL and I guess it is, if you are anything like most of the YouTube commentators.

Personally, I don't get it- but that's pretty much par for the course as far as I'm concerned.  I am forever being subjected to ads I know are meant to be funny in some way but which just leave me disgusted, sad or - at best- indifferent.  Why would anyone think that watching middle-aged men pretending to throw food at eachother is funny?  Why would anyone be inspired to buy beer by watching this ad?  Does it make anyone thirsty?  What the hell?

(I guess the "funny" is supposed to be in the idea that decades after these guys left college and did or did not have successful NFL careers, they still carry their old collegiate rivalries deep inside and really can't stand to be with eachother because they didn't all get athletic scholarships to the same school?  In other words, because they are still trapped in their lost childhoods?  Um, LOL?)

Anyway, that's all I've got for this bit of garbage, except to give another shout-out to the YouTube commentators who just got so much joy out of this 61 seconds of infantile crap.  You guys are real winners.  The future of our country you are.  Go get 'em in 2018- climb every mountain, test-drive every truck, go to every backyard barbecue and play every video game.  Just don't vote, ok?  No voting next year- voting is stupid and lame and something Social Justice Warriors do and it doesn't even involve throwing food most of the time.  It's totally not for you.  Trust me.

Ending the year on a low (bank) note.*

First, this guy's "passionate dream" has "always been" to "build the world's biggest store to display and sell bank notes to collectors."  What, really? So when this guy was a little kid, he dreamed of creating a store consisting of currency under glass that collectors would look at and buy- no wait, the BIGGEST such store?  Did he even know that there were such stores, or how big they were?  Did he imagine that 99 percent of his income would come from online sales- meaning that people who want to buy currency would be purchasing it based on images on a screen and NOT the actual stuff?

Where did this guy grow up- I've never even seen such a store, but twenty years ago this guy was dreaming of having the biggest one?

Second, I can see foreign currency collecting as being a pretty cool hobby, but only if one actually picks up that currency in the actual country it's used.  Otherwise, this looks a lot like sending away for postcards from exotic locations.  Kind of pathetic. 

Third,  I'm sorry, but I find it hard to believe that this guy's "passionate dream" wasn't to eat a McDonald's at least two meals a day, and that he managed to achieve that dream at least five years ago.  Maybe you should use some of that money for a good life coach and a gym membership, buddy.

Yes, I went there.  I'm not very nice.

*And no, puns are not my thing. 

In the next scene she surrounds that Lexus with her spinneretes.

So the spoiled little girl in this ad grew up to wear the exact same clothes and have the exact same attitude toward material goods- they are what embody the Christmas season and, no doubt, her life in general.

And the guy in this ad never fails to be amused at the fact that the little girl he bought is always appreciative of the toys he purchases for her- the house, the security, the car.....trophy wives are just the very best.  So easy to please, as long as you've got the money.

Meanwhile, I'll repeat what several YouTube posters have pointed out- holy crap, this woman's arms must be five feet long.  Is she an alien from the planet of Trophy Wives, or what?

Nissan makes my day-glo green backpack a total waste of money

Every one of these ubiquitous Star Wars/Nissan crossover crap commercials have the same thing in common- that it's perfectly ok to drive while distracted by your juvenile daydreams, even through construction sites, as long as you are driving a Nissan and remember to enable the Let Us Do Your Driving For You Because You Are Too Damned Irresponsible collision detection system.  Hell in this ad, the "student driver" is so damned freaked out at the site of a few orange cones that she has to be reminded by her father to turn the actual driving over to her car before she indulges in her stupid panic attack and slips into her Safe Space, where she isn't responsible for maneuvering heavy machinery but instead has been whisked away to a magical fairy land of Imperial Walkers and Storm Troopers.

Great message, Nissan.  I'll keep it in mind the next time I have to jump out of the way of one of your damn cars because it's being "driven" by someone who bought in to the idea that it's the perfect vehicle for someone who just wants to get from Point A to Point B without putting down the phone or delaying the Walter Mitty episodes until they AREN'T behind the wheel any longer.

Don't you just mean "stay a kid," Belk?

I guess we're supposed to be surprised when the "kids" in this ad turn out to be "adults" who are just ACTING like kids.  We aren't, because adults acting like kids is pretty much the standard in American television commercials.

I mean, we've got "adults" gushing over cars like they are candy.  We've got them fantasizing about jewelry and cell phones and trucks they don't have any actual use for but Look How Pretty and They'll Make My Life Worthwhile.  Hell, this season we've got Lexus commercials which actually PORTRAY grown-ups as children as they prance and dance and have orgasms over LookAtMeMobiles.  So when we are shown children swooning over Shiny Stuff and living in a fantasy world of tinsel and lights, we are supposed to appreciate the "oh guess what they're adults" punchine? 

Really? I just ASSUMED these were adults.  After all, commercials showing kids acting like kids are pretty rare.  Generally, kids in commercials act the way we used to think adults are supposed to act.  That's kind of the joke.  Adults acting like kids?  That's the norm.  Try again, Belk.

(Oh, and "Belk?"  What the hell is THAT all about?)

More First World Problems, by Land Rover!

Everything isn't quite perfect for the daughter in this family- she really wants a White Christmas.  Well, that's understandable.  Lots of kids want a White Christmas.  Pretty much all of them who don't live in a Northern climate zone just learn to deal with it.

But this kid, who lives in the middle of the desert with her parents and their three Land Rovers, isn't like most of the others.  While she sleeps, her daddy carries her to the back seat of one of the family's Land Rovers and drives to their summer home in the mountains where there IS snow.  Everything must be Just Right for the little princess, and that's possible because this family has a summer home in the mountains.

And since that summer home in the mountains is within easy driving distance from the winter home in the desert, it's kind of hard to understand why they didn't just plan on spending Christmas there anyway.  Maybe daughter was perfectly happy decorating a cactus and looking forward to getting a Land Rover Of Her Very Own someday until the very last minute?  Maybe daughter figured out that using her pouty face and acting like she's at least five years younger than she actually is will get daddy to melt (again) and get her what she really really wants which is to spend Christmas week skiing with her friends at the resort near the Summer Home?

Well, at least they aren't Cleveland Browns fans....

So the point of this ad is that this stupid family is totally obsessed with the Atlanta Falcons to the point of dressing in Falcons jerseys, giving eachother Falcons-themed gifts for Christmas, and even wearing Falcons gear for the family portrait.  Mom's closet looks like she wears absolutely nothing BUT Falcons stuff.  Except....

Turns out that Mom is a "closet" (get it?) Russell Wilson fan, so I guess she roots for the Seahawks in the deep recesses of her heart.  Or maybe she just roots for Wilson the player and doesn't care what team he plays for.  Either way, this is the joke of the ad.  I guess.  I don't know.  The YouTube commenters think it's hysterical and even make it a point to let us know that they get why it's funny, etc. etc.  Because YouTube commenters are very, very stupid.

I'll just point out that this entire family, INCLUDING mom whether she loves the Seahawks or just Russell Wilson, must really, REALLY hate the New England Patriots.  Hey family- how did you like last year's Superbowl?  Hey Mom- how did you like Superbowl 49?  I thought they were both great, myself.