Oh yeah, and this commercial is for Esurance. Somehow.

Dad is a bumbling doofus who acts as if he never, ever spends any time with his son and had no intention of ever having a conversation with him except dammit the car has broken down and he's trapped with this kid.

Kid is incredibly uncomfortable being with his "father," who is only making things worse by doing what only cliche'd awkward loser dads on tv do- take accidental moments of forced intimacy to try to check that "have the sex talk with the boy" box on his Parent Bingo Card.  He clearly would rather be ANYWHERE ELSE but with his dad right now.  And I can only guess that there's no WiFi service wherever it is they broke down, otherwise none of this would be happening- both of these idiots would be on their phones, pretending the other does not exist.

Dad is "saved" from having "the talk" by the appearance of the tow truck.  Oh thank goodness, they were only seconds away from maybe having a meaningful conversation (though I doubt it.  Dad's an inappropriate ass with lousy timing, Kid has or is going to learn about puberty the way all boys do- through experience, and through their friends, NOT from their dads.)

Kid has let dad know that he doesn't want to have this conversation with Dad, EVER.  Dad would be wise not to share this almost-moment with Mom; she'd be totally justified in calling him a clueless moron for making such a half-assed attempt to be meaningful in any way to the kid he helped make.  Go back to being silent and stupid, Dad.  Kid and his friends have got this.  Mom doesn't expect you to rise above your mediocrity.  Just get the car fixed, drop the kid off, and get back to the office where you will be surrounded by people you can relate to.  Moron.

I hate so much about this Domino's ad

So this guy isn't at all concerned that his car has suffered severe damage- as long as his crap mass-produced box of bland bread and sugary tomato sauce is intact?  Ok, whatever.  The guy is a moron.  I get it.

Here's what I don't understand- how did this idiot get back to Pizza Hut to exchange his "ruined" (it was ruined before he left the "restaurant," but again, whatever) pizza?  Did he call an Uber and pay ten bucks to exchange a pizza which cost the same amount?  He certainly looks dumb enough.

Pizza Insurance?  For Domino's?  Really?  Heck, I think dropping this junk into the snow could only improve it.  Meanwhile, shouldn't this idiot be calling about that other insurance policy- the one that covers his car?

I suppose that in a previous scene, Amazon Echo reminded this guy he was getting married today

Think about it- this guy is seconds away from getting married, and he's already assuming that a year from now he'll totally forget the date of his wedding so he better let Amazon know so "she" can remind him.  Wow, what a great catch.

Prediction:  A year from now, Amazon will remind him that it's been six months since his wife threw him out of the house because he was incapable of finding his ass with both hands, a flashlight, and Amazon Echo.  Because seriously- if you walk into your wedding figuring you won't remember the date A YEAR FROM NOW, you aren't taking it very seriously and it just isn't that big a deal to you. Cripes, I've been divorced for more than twenty years and I STILL remember my anniversary date.

One more piece of evidence that this guy is a totally clueless jackass- he's telling Amazon Echo to remind him that today is his anniversary "one year from now."  Hey, buddy- if you do forget your anniversary as you expect you will, being reminded of it ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY is not going to help at all.  Even if you ARE miraculously still married, it will be WAY too late to do anything that doesn't stink of last-minute Yes Honey I Actually Forgot our FIRST Anniversary asshattery.  Loser.

I'll be generous and call Audible a very small step in the right direction

Ok, so the thing that successful people have in common is that they read, except that none of the successful (I mean, look at these houses!  Check out those home gyms!  And they are busy, too!) people we see in this ad are actually reading.

It's because they are busy- you see, they may have become successful by reading, but now they don't have time to read (too busy being successful) but to stay successful they have to keep reading, so they listen instead.  Listening is just as good as reading- that's the mindset that weaned kids away from books to radio in the 1940s.  And Watching is as good as Listening, which convinced the offspring of those radio-listeners that Television was the New Radio.  So watching tv and reading a book are basically the same thing.

No, wait- according to Audible, reading and  listening are the same thing.  In fact, listening in at least some (all?) cases is superior to reading- when you're working out in your suburban palace or driving around, for example (though I must say, as a pedestrian, I would really rather not have people conjuring up images of what they are listening to while operating that heavy machinery through cross-walks and intersections.  I suppose this is marginally better than having them staring at their phones or dashboards, however.)

I don't want to be too hard on Audible- I do think that Listening is superior to Watching.  At least your brain is getting some exercise, and I totally agree that this is a benefit to joggers and gym rats who for obvious reasons can't read while also working out.  I might try this myself someday.  But right now I have to start reading the Kindle edition of Ron Chernow's biography Hamilton, which I purchased seconds before starting to write this post.  I didn't buy the additional audible option, because I think that with very rare exceptions like the ones I listed, Reading is the new Reading, and it's really not replaceable.

Quickbooks Self-Employed App: My own personal Groundhog Day

Yes, I'm totally aware that Quickbooks follows me everywhere.  I'm reminded every time I try to watch any video on YouTube and get smacked across the face with a version of this stupid ad.

Hey, Quickbooks?  I'm still not self-employed.  So please, PLEASE stop.  I've already developed a callous on my thumb from hitting the Skip Ad button so I don't have to suffer through yet another chirpy "here's how you can keep track of your receipts," "here's how you can keep track of your miles," "here's how you can keep track of your deductions," etc. etc. "helpful" blather which does not apply to me at all but is just annoying as hell.

Another Panera Better Food for Better People Commercial

We at Panera would like to remind you that you aren't one of the unwashed masses who must grub a meal at McDonald's or Burger King or one of those other Non-Panera fast food places where teachers and bus drivers and truckers and the rest of their ilk must settle for (giggle) microwaved eggs from the (snigger) Dollar Menu.

Please remember that you are sooooo much better than those "people."  You DESERVE freshly made eggs contributed by free range chickens  lovingly placed* on brioche rolls with Grade A cheese and topped with ham donated by pigs who have spent their entire lives in air-conditioned, silk-lined stalls.   These sandwiches will set you back $6 but the whole point is that you don't care about the price- you're all about quality and reminding yourself that you're better than those weird dirty people who buy their food at those Common chain places because they have to.  

You don't have to.  So don't. 

*by people who aren't wearing plastic gloves.  Ick. 

Blue Apron Lives in the Land of Presumption

"Every night in America, people make something for dinner."  Well, Blue Apron puts the "every" in the right place, at least.  They don't say "everyone makes something for dinner."  That would be much worse, because it would ignore the fact that every night in America, millions of Americans make absolutely nothing for dinner.

Some of those people eat at McDonald's or pick up something they can quickly warm up at home (I don't think that qualifies as "making" dinner.)  The enormous prepackaged meals section at my local Giant grocery store is testimony to the fact that a whole lot of people don't "make" dinner, because they don't have time or money or skills.

Many more people don't make anything for dinner because their financial situation requires that they cut back a meal, and dinner is the most easily disposable of the three.  I just hope that it's the only meal they have to cut back on, and that this situation is only temporary, because the other two are really, really important, and "eating" should not be considered an optional activity in the richest nation on Earth (or anywhere else.)

But these ads aren't aimed at people who can't afford dinner or the time to make it.  Like most ads that don't include golden arches or nightmare-inducing royalty or freakishly thin redheads singing the praises of an all-fast food lifestyle, these are directed at Upper Middle Class White People with money burning a hole in their pocket and who think that crumbling marriages and/or distant children might be made more durable by reintroducing Family Dinner Time.  Or are just suckers for any "service" that gives them an opportunity to remind themselves that they've got extra money without actually buying that new Lexus or making yet ANOTHER trip to Whole Foods.

As far as Blue Apron is concerned, those are the People in the line "every night in America, people make something for dinner."  Not those other humans lacking in skills or resources or time.  Who cares about them? They don't even live in nice, TV-quality houses with massive kitchens featuring enormous islands and all the latest appliances.  And they sure aren't as Pretty as the people who might as well use Blue Apron Because They Can.