Wix.com buys itself some love

It's almost unbelievable, but these two shmucks manage to be even more cloying and cringe-worthy than that Karlie Kloss idiot we usually see peddling Wix.com.

But that's not anywhere near the worst part- never mind the ad, it's just two jackasses who seem to be famous among internet-obsessed weirdos, some of whom practically lost control of their bowels when they saw their heros on a commercial.  Instead of watching this 66 seconds of absolutely nothing of value (it's not the extended version, be thankful for small favors) be prepared to get VERY depressed and scroll down to read the comments. 

I'm going to be super-charitable here and just assume that 99 percent of the posts in the comment section are the  fake, nickle-per-reply stutterings of unemployed college kids looking to make a few extra dollars pretending to be madly in love with the product of the company paying them.  I mean, some of these posts are really over the top- "I adore these two," "Awesome product Wix!" "LOL these guys are just too funny," "I almost died when I saw them on my tv," "what is that song" (I didn't even hear a song) etc. etc. etc.  I don't think I could go on if I believed these posts were from real people expressing real- um- "thoughts." 

I'm guessing that Wix.com looked at the comment section from the Karlie Kloss ad and said "we can't let this happen when we make our next ad featuring two insufferable dweebs with nothing to say, so we'd better just buy us a bunch of likes."  They can't Pull A Chevy by just putting gushing idiots into the ad itself, so they have to pay the soulless to sell out in the comment section.  That's the only explanation I can think of that doesn't leave me really, really sad.

American Residential Warranty- for all your non-Rent A Center Appliances!

A few years ago I wrote a blog post concerning American Home Shield, the largest of these "home warranty" grifter companies which specialize in scaring people living on the margins into purchasing garbage insurance for their appliances using money they don't have.  At the time I posted a link to Ripoffreport.com's extensive library of complaints about AHS, which consistently focus on the same issues- refusal to pay for repairs that seem to be covered by the contracts, insistence by the insurer on using certain contractors who are never available to do the work, etc. 

Well, it seems that American Home Shield doesn't have a monopoly on the Prey on the Vulnerable by selling Empty Promises industry, because here comes American Residential Warranty offering the same thing- for "as little as a dollar a day," you "can" protect your wallet when all your major appliances need very, very expensive repairs.  We hear the usual key phrases- along with "as little as," we get the magic "plan options include" and while there's "no obligation," they can't help but remind us that our kitchens are about to explode and then we'll really be screwed, just sayin'."

These carnival barkers sound so very sincere, don't they? Well, before you decide to throw your money away on what are basically extended warranties wrapped in a shiny package called "insurance," check out some of these posts:  https://www.ripoffreport.com/reports/specific_search/American%20Residential%20Warranty

Wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if this isn't just American Home Shield with a fresh coat of paint hiding the corruption underneath. 

AT&T's Unlimited Asshattery

Remember headphones?  Those were those things you used to wear on your head and connect to your Walkman so you could enjoy your favorite music without bothering anyone else.  Quaint thought, huh?

Eventually they gave way to ear buds, which were more comfortable but really only did half the job- the wearer could hear his music, but people nearby could hear tinny music sounds-- pretty annoying, but remember, ear buds were more comfortable and that's all that really counts.

Here's proof that comfort is all that really counts- we don't use headphones OR ear buds anymore, anywhere, ever.  It's much more functional and enjoyable to just crank up the volume and listen through the device's speakers.  No more worrying about ear sweat or buds popping out or wires getting tangled.  Just watch and listen as if you're in your own living room and you are the only person who exists because when it comes to you and your immediate desires, you pretty much are.  That guy five seats over who just wants to read his book or think?  He's perfectly free to continue to do so- if the noise coming out of your phone bothers him, well, he can move, can't he?  And those other people in the restaurant (like the ones sitting near this particular douchenozzle?)  Well, if they don't want to hear HIS device, they are perfectly free to turn up the volume on their own, right?

What?  They were trying to have a conversation?  Well, that's pretty lame.  And not your problem.  You've got Unlimited Data, which means you have Unlimited Opportunities to show the world that you're an insufferably self-absorbed sociopath.  And you blend in really well with everyone else, because you're much more the norm than those weird people who still wear headphones or ear buds. 

Why did we ever even invent headphones, anyway?  I just don't get it. 

It's come to this. Thanks, iPhoneX!

Twenty years into the Cellphone Generation, these things have gone from phones you can take everywhere to postal services you can take everywhere to televisions you can take everywhere to professional photographer photo labs you can take everywhere.

And now, in 2018, a $1000 phone is pitched as the perfect device to use to....take a photo of yourself.  And then lovingly edit it so you look a lot better than you actually do.  And then...share it with the planet?  Or just store it on your phone, so it can be your very bestest friend and the one thing you really, really need to have pictures of?

I don't think we can get past this level of self-absorption, do you?  Oh, maybe- if you bleat "I am the Greatest" as you adjust the lighting of that Amazing Photo of Amazing You so it's Just Right Because It Doesn't Look Like You Anymore.  That manages to add a bit more narcissism to this stupid impulse purchase.  And why are you the greatest because you need to take a photo of yourself, having lost all of your friends due to your obsession with that stupid Can You Believe It Was Once Used as a Phone electronic device?  Oh, right- because you say so, and after all, what else is on the planet besides you and pictures of you?

Chevy's Real People, Not Actors Ad writers inconvenience 2 million people for a 30 second commercial

Of all of the stupid settings for these ubiquitious Chevy "Really Stupid, Sad, Buttkissing People Not Actors" Commercials, this one has to be the most unpleasant as well as the one which demonstrates that every single one of these Not Actors were perfectly aware long before the cameras were turned on that they were going to be in an advertisement in which they'd be required to gape and gasp and drool over ugly More Of The Same cars.

I mean, think about it- they are sitting around a table perched on a concrete overpass, literally 20 feet from a traffic jam probably created by Chevrolet's desire to make an obvious and really idiotic point about "reliability."  Even if it's the one day of the summer in which Los Angeles isn't sticky-hot, it sure can't be that much fun to try to talk to eachother over roaring engines and car horns and shouts of "hey you assholes all the rubbernecking you're encouraging is causing a backup and keeping me from getting to my destination you entitled thoughtless douchenozzles," not to mention all that lovely carbon monoxide they're breathing in.  All for about twenty seconds of film which involves everyone's favorite spokeschoad who doesn't pitch Verizon whipping out that trophy for the 450th time to the delight of the dribbling idiots who just want to bleat their one line - be it "I want a Chevy now!" or "that's super awesome impressive Chevy rocks!" or whatever- so they can pile back into that van and be returned to the parking lot and be dropped off next to their own cars, where they'll be quickly reminded that there's no guarantee that their one line won't be snipped before the final product hits the air.

BTW, those "If Chevy Commercials were real life" bits are pretty funny, but I was more than a little annoyed that I had to sift through about a hundred of them before I could find a link to the ACTUAL commercial.  I've got things to do, YouTube!  Get your search engine tuned!

Hulu: Bringing families together, but only physically

Instead of this guy frantically switching back to the cartoon show in the hopes of making his son finally fall asleep so he can put him away and get back to sports, maybe he could have an actual dad moment by teaching that kid about the sports daddy likes and why they are fun to watch (and actually do- my great nephew is already getting into hockey and he's only two and a half?)

Naw- just let Hulu hypnotize your kid into a deep, deep sleep, carry him to the bed, and then get back to the couch to watch your sports all by yourself, "dad."  Much better that way.

How Black Entertainment Television "celebrates" Black History Month

So I'm back on the treadmill and Black Entertainment Television is replaying this excellent film, 2013's Twelve Years A Slave, based on the 1853 memoir by Solomon Northup, a free black man kidnapped and sold into slavery some twenty years before the outbreak of the Civil War.  Northup's narrative is a powerful indictment of the moral depravity of the slave-master relationship as well as being an uplifting tale of stoic determination in the face of despair.

And during commercial breaks, BET shows us advertisements for....this.  A game show based on a board game in which black people test each other's "blackness" by asking trivia questions that I guess only people who are "really" black are able to answer correctly.

A few years ago, BET "celebrated" Labor Day Weekend by running the entire original Roots series- and airing the most obnoxiously racist Stepin Fetchit crap ads during every commercial break (and if you've ever watched BET, you know that there were a LOT of commercials breaks.)  When I snarked on that atrocity I think I used the term "one step forward, two steps back."  It fits here, too.

Hey, kids- sit yourselves in front of the tv and enrich yourselves by learning about the life of Solomon Northup, as told by Northup himself.  During the commercial breaks, PLEASE mute the tv, or better yet, mute the tv and leave the room for 4 minutes or so to get a sandwich or use the rest room or- hey, here's an idea!- go to Amazon and order a copy of Twelve Years a Slave.  It's a great read, and Northup's race isn't degraded and belittled and insulted in between chapters.