Out of patience with Apple, the iPhone, and the world in general

Somehow the idiots in this commercial managed to "get serious" despite f--ng around with their phones and doing virtually nothing else.  They go from finding an apartment with those phones to taking selfies with themselves in their new apartment to finding a house that fits their stupid dogs and then making stupid faces into their damn phones again.  I guess we're supposed to be happy for them but seriously, why would anyone give a flying care?  It's another phone ad in which nobody makes a call or uses their $1000 phones for much of anything other than taking stupid pictures of their fool grinning extremely punchable faces.

And if the YouTube comments are any indication, the "message" of the ad- which I guess is supposed to be that $1000 for an iPhone isn't so very much 'cause look you can get one free when you buy one- is totally lost on the audience, which is too busy doing it's usual obsessive "what is that song" bit.  One winner asks about the song two weeks after it's title has been revealed, demonstrating that YouTube commenters are far better at asking questions than they are at reading answers.

Oh, this may be a mixed-race couple, which I guess iPhone thinks is super progressive or daring or something.  Hey Apple, want to impress Progressives?  Pay the people who actually put together your pricey electronic drugs for zombies a living wage.  Until then, f--k off.

So much stupid in this Samsung Ad

1.  Why is this woman spending a dinner party looking at her stupid phone instead of actually interacting with her fellow human beings?  Is this just something that always happens at dinner parties these days?

2.  How did this woman get the guy's phone number so she could send him the message?  If they already know eachother, why are they sitting alone at the beginning? 

3.  This guy is sitting literally ten feet away.  Why doesn't she walk over there and sit down next to him, or ask him to join her with, you know, her lips and her actual freaking voice? 

4.  Can you tell I'm getting really ticked off around now?

5.  Why does this "communicate entirely through technology" thing continue after the party, even as they seem to be forming an....um..."relationship?" 

6.  Is it safe to assume that this couple has their first actual conversation somewhere around their fifth anniversary? 

And finally....

7.  What the F--- is the matter with you YouTube commenters?  Are you all mentally ill, or what?  You LIKE this?  What is your problem?

Allstate's Stupid Sexism

This one's short and to the point- just another commercial which passes muster in 2018 because it's the guy being chopped down and body shamed by the woman.  Reverse the genders in this ad and you've got digital pitchforks going after Allstate with a vengeance, and rightly so.

There's nothing wrong with this guy physically- he isn't fat, so we can assume that his wife's little dig doesn't come from a place that cares about his health.  No, this is all about sticking a knife in him for absolutely no reason- and the "punchline" leaves him suitably shamed and shrunken, standing at a refrigerator which I assume he'll now close without taking out any food because his wife* decided she could not simply exit the room but had to leave him with some more emotional scar tissue.  He might not use that gym membership, but at least won't be eating any of the food he paid for which is stored in the refrigerator he paid for which is in the house he paid for.  I wish this commercial had ended with him taking the rest of the leftover pizza and a beer out of the fridge and heading down to his man cave to spend a few hours with the tv. 

Like this ad?  Again, just reverse the genders.  This is pointless, nasty crap.  Thanks, Allstate

*who is skinny and pale and not at all healthy looking, but it's the husband who has the problem because she got the great insurance and he wasted money on a gym membership he doesn't use.  Hey, here's an idea, lady- how about joining the gym so it's something you and hubby can do together that doesn't involve grinding him down with your digs?  Just a thought.

Free Peter Popoff (Limited time offer, Shipping and Handling extra!)

Peter Popoff used to make a living by appearing before huge audiences of Bible-thumping yokels and claiming to receive "messages" from "god" that gave him "secret" information about certain individuals in that audience.  He'd walk up to one slack-jawed semi-literate hick after another and totally wow them with "knowledge" about their darkest fears, hidden pains, and cherished dreams.  Then he'd get them to open their wallets to support his "ministry," claiming that if they gave with open and generous hearts (and empty brains- that was the easy part) the money would be returned to them a hundredfold because "god" wanted them to be rich, they just had to believe it would happen strongly enough.

In 1986, Peter Popoff was exposed as the sleazy huckster fraud he is and always has been- it turned out that he was planting his own employees in the crowd to start conversations with the sheep and pick up information Popoff could use in his act.  Popoff's wife would then feed her husband this information via a hidden earpiece worn by Popoff, making it look (to the desperate and desperately stupid, at least) as if the Good Reverand was reading minds- or being told by god what to say about the person standing in front of him.  Popoff's assets were seized- or at least they would have been if god didn't tell Popoff (through his attorney) to declare bankruptcy and fall off the radar for a while.

Well, guess what?  Within a few years Popoff made a comeback by using the magic of late-night infomercials to pitch "miracle water"- little bags of water which, when sprinkled around and/or consumed in the right way, will bring someone money.  That someone is not the person doing the sprinkling or drinking, of course- their job is to send back the empty bag along with a donation.  The only person actually receiving money is Peter Popoff.  As god intended, no doubt.

Nowadays most of Popoff's ads run on Black Entertainment Television, and most of the people we see crying that they ordered the water and prayed for money and got it Gawd Be Praised are black.  Popoff's figured out where the Desperate Stupid Undereducated Christian money is these days.  And who is least likely to check out what The Evil Google (or believe it because it's just The Devil Talking anyway) says about Peter Popoff before ordering their bag of water.

I'm just going to say two things about Peter Popoff and his current hustle.  First, what's with the "extra large" bag of water bit?  How does he sell that?  Does extra water mean extra money falling from the sky courtesy of god?  Why not just go with the Additional Bag of Water Free Just Pay Extra Shipping and Handling bit?  Could he be any more cynical?

Second- and this is going to sound strange- I don't want the government to go after Peter Popoff.  I want law enforcement to leave him alone to buy tv ads and sell bags of water to the suckers.  Because I don't want a dime of my tax money going to the hopeless cause of saving people from themselves.  If anyone wants to take money they don't have and send it to this carnival barker, that's their business.  Society slapped him down in the 1980s, at considerable cost in time and money to the Justice System.  The story is all over the internet.  It's out there, for everyone to see.  All you have to do is check for yourself.  If you fail to do that before you sell your Miracle Coin collection and 9/11 Commemorative plates so you can buy bags of water through the mail, well, fooled you twice, shame on you.  Tell your story to Ripoffreport.com.  I'm not interested anymore.

Principal presents maybe the darkest commercial we'll see this year

Dad didn't tell Mom that he had purchased life insurance, so when he passed, she freaked out and spent weeks wondering how she was going to keep herself and her son in their house, pay for his college education, etc. etc.

Son didn't tell Mom that he saw her stress and responded by sneaking out of the house to find and engage in employment of some kind (he got paid by check, so I guess drug dealing is out and Principal Insurance decided that their ad was dark enough.)  Enough time has passed since Dad died for Son to get a job and get his first paycheck- which means enough time has passed for Mom and Son to have a heart-to-heart about the future.  But that's not how this family rolls, clearly.

The "happy ending" comes when Mom gets a check from Principal Insurance, a check which is clearly her first hint that Dad took steps to take care of his family before he died.  Gee, good thing she didn't just toss that unexpected check in the garbage, huh?

This is so screwed up.  All of this could have been avoided if Dad had acted as if he actually loved and cared for his wife and kid while he was still breathing.  What kind of asshat buys life insurance and then keeps it a secret from the beneficiary?  Was Dad afraid that his wife would bump him off if she knew of the financial windfall coming down the road?

And "the rebel" in this commercial- I guess his "rebellion" came in the form of not comforting his mother in any way but instead causing her more stress by sneaking out into the dark streets every night.  I know he's supposed to be the noble one here, but again- COMMUNICATION, PEOPLE!

A Test of Endurance, YouTube Whining, and Verbal Contracts

I'm sorry, but I just gotta share this guy's sob story about Endurance Car Warranties, which I'm quite certain are a scam.  I've gotta share it because I'm also quite sure that this is a case of two scammers going up against eachother, and I found it too funny not to include in this blog.

You know right off the bat that this is going to be fun when this idiot tells us he came to a verbal agreement on a warranty for his 17-year old car with engine problems over the phone (he'll later repeatedly use the phrase "take my word for it" and "I'm an honest person" and "they promised me.")  This is followed by two throwaway lines about getting a five-page email "which I didn't bother to read because it's five pages and I already talked to him on the phone" and a five-page contract on PDF "which I didn't bother to read because why should I was talking to him on the phone."  These written agreements are never mentioned again throughout this idiot's whinefest, never mind that he later threatens a lawsuit and you'd think that his best evidence would be that contract.

He tells us that his car's engine broke down but it was after the "1,000 mile grace period" so the fact that it had a pre-existing conditions didn't matter because, you guessed it, "that's what they told me over the phone."  If you reach this guy's age and you haven't figured out that 1.  Verbal contracts are worth the paper they aren't written on and 2. "His word against mine" isn't especially helpful when you are the one seeking the money and you've got a written contract you haven't bothered to look at.

The last two minutes of this nonsense is this idiot ramping up the anger- the cursing starts to fly as he seems much more interested in letting us know how angry he is than in proving that he's in the right.  He talks about the price he was quoted (again, no paperwork to back this up) and how he's going to have to pay for his engine out of pocket because Endurance says it "technically" isn't required to pay (AGAIN, what does your contract say, moron?)  In other words, the video devolves into a total pity party and I'm actually surprised it doesn't link to a GoFundMe account.

He wraps up by telling us what we already know- Endurance (and I'll just add, all extended insurance warranties) is a ripoff and you're far better off just saving money for the inevitable car repairs you'll have to pay for if you have to drive around in an ancient car.  But I'd like to add a postscript:

You can't be ripped off if you have a written contract that you are willing to read.  If you are satisfied with a verbal contract, you're just asking to be cheated and you have no business whining about it afterwards.  I have no idea how the conversation between this fool and Endurance went, nor do I care, because there's a written contract that is never addressed throughout this rant.  So congratulations, idiot, you vented your stupidity and laziness to the world and gave me something to use on my blog.  And provided a life lesson to people smart enough to learn it.  I hope someday you are one of them.

Sprint, Hulu, and the further destruction of society

After watching this ad several times and failing to pick up what this pathetic stupid woman was saying, I finally just read the damn caption and learned that she was bleating about having 2018's version of a social disease- FOMO, or "Fear of Missing Out."  I guess it involves being afraid that everyone is watching a certain program- or, more likely, every fricking program- on Hulu and because you don't watch television 24/7 you might not be able to join the gabfest about some crap show you really ought to be watching on your phone except you are SUCH a loser you don't have Sprint.

The "cure" for FOMO is to get Sprint which now comes with Unlimited Supplies of everyone's favorite Addiction of the Moment, Hulu.  So now instead of reading or taking a walk or (giggle, snort) having an actual conversation with someone which might result in human bonding but will NOT allow you to keep up with your fellow Hulu zombies, you can just keep your eyes glued to your phone and endlessly stream crap into your atrophied brain.  It's time you'll never get back and it won't do a thing to make your life even one iota more productive or valuable, but it will help you fit in the next time your fellow walking dead co-workers start yapping about how if you can just get to Episode 9 you'll see that The Handmaid's Tale isn't the most stupefyingly boring and slow-moving thing ever intentionally produced by Man, it's actually entertaining and interesting, really you just have to stick with it.

And you'll no longer "suffer" from FOMO.  Because you'll never "miss out" on anything on Hulu ever again.  The rest of life?  Oh yes, you're going to miss out on a LOT of that.  But who cares, 'cause Television?