How to waste your life properly, the Verizon Fios way!

We start with this woman celebrating the fact that she's got this awesome entertainment system which makes her house the absolute must-place-to-be for "binge watching."  We'll get back to that disgusting concept in a minute.

Some sort-of-humanoid creature who happened to be inhabiting her kitchen suddenly launches into a critique of her cable setup.  I think that this bizarre, misshapen, ugly thing- which may be a rat, or a ferret, or even a homo sapiens if he was born near a toxic waste dump- has decided that its goal in life is to set the middle-aged woman he's encountering straight on what makes a good electronic cocoon /zombie containment system.  My only response to this thing would be to squish it with a shoe or at least open the screen door and chase it outside.*

Ok, back to the whole "binge watching" thing.  I'm still waiting for someone to explain to me the attraction of "binge watching" if you don't have a severe illness or for some other reason have been rendered immobile and a good candidate for quarantine.  Otherwise, how freaking sad do you have to be to even WANT your house to be the place people camp out to watch hour after hour of brain-numbing, life-sucking television?

Even if I was confined to my house by illness, I'd much rather do some binge-reading than binge-watching.  It's cheaper and better for my brain, though it probably wouldn't win the approval of any warped little gnomes living in my kitchen.  And if I wasn't sick?  I'd rather be binge-hiking or binge-museum browsing or binge-talking-to-friends.  Binge-watching?  I guess that's great for losers with oatmeal between the ears who think they've got an infinite amount of time left on Earth.

Sound judgemental?  Good.

*Seriously, was this kid born a block from Chernobyl, or what?

Because you can't spell America without Can-Am. Sort of.

The description of this video focuses on the paint job on the all-terrain vehicle.  It celebrates the "Break-up Country Pattern" which I imagine is supposed to make it invisible to turkeys, deer, immigrants, black people and SJWs.  Technically, the design was chosen to "provide cover on our machines" (make it difficult for Hillary and the Socialist Bernie-crats to find when The Time Comes) and "relies on shadows to achieve added depth." 

Oh but wait, we aren't done yet.  These shadows painted on to "Can-Ams aggressively forward-thinking designs" (forward-thinking?  Sounds like a liberal plot to me) help their machines "to blend into whatever sort of nature you're in" (deserts, deep woods, burned-out urban areas created by the Inevitable Race War, etc.  You know, all that stuff.)

I guess the point is that when you drive one of these machines (after donning that "I'm a soldier" costume you used to wear only during your Saturday night Aryan Nation get-togethers or while playing Call of Duty in your mom's basement) after reflecting on how Manly and American and Not at all Gay Shut Up Where Did You Hear That you are while you go off to stalk whatever animal happens to be in season, you're going to feel much closer to the nature you're about to terminate.  And that's what being Free is all about.  That and guns and attending the Protestant Church of your choice and making damn sure people use the right bathrooms goddammit.

Don't forget the beer.  Prey has an annoying habit of taking it's time wandering into the area you've picked out to park your sorry ass and wait to kill it.

Two Boost Network ads in one blog post. You're Welcome.

In the English version of this commercial, the guy whining like a pathetic little brat about his cell phone coverage- which only allows him to stream video that stutters and has to reboot every few seconds, I guess- is super-upset that what would have seemed downright miraculous a decade ago is now oh so very lame.  The salespeople are naturally in total sympathy with the spoiled doofus and encourage him to switch to Boost so he can keep his eyes glued to the screen and for certain won't notice that truck bearing down on him until it's way too late.  I totally concur.



The guy in this ad beats his wife and kids regularly for infractions like not stacking the soup cans in the pantry properly and upsetting the crease on the sports page.  Fortunately for them, he's only a few months away from suffering a massive, fatal stroke when he's cut off in traffic on the way home from work.

Coast on paying your taxes, ask us to understand and celebrate with you? Pass!

Let me say this straight from the opening: I bet you that every single one of these people thinks that the government should get it's act together and do something about that growing national debt.  The government really, really needs to start living within it's means, that's all they gots to say.  Now on to their stories about how they think it's ok to personally add to that debt:

"Are you seeking tax forgiveness and a fresh start?" Translation:  "Did you avoid paying your fair share of the money required to keep society functioning and want a do-over courtesy of the people who diligently paid their bills year after year Just Because now that you've been caught?"

"For the fresh start you deserve."  Why do you "deserve" it?  Never figured that one out.  You didn't pay your taxes.  You got caught.  Our team of attorneys think- as, no doubt, you do- that you "deserve" a fresh start.  We aren't going to say why- because there really is no why.  If you had any level of introspection, you'd agree.  But the important thing here is to keep money in your pockets, so....

Michael R. tells us his story- see, he just finalized his divorce and faced a tax lien of $113,000 (I don't know what either of those things has to do with eachother, but whatever.)  Coast One was able to settle his debt for $2200, allowing him to "maintain his lifestyle."  He tells us this as he stands in the middle of a golf course.  We were really pulling for you, Michael.  Glad we could help. 

Caroyln B sits on the couch with her robot/puppet husband to tell us how her decision to retire a few years ago came back to bite her in the butt and she had to liquidate her retirement savings, resulting in a big tax penalty.  So, Carolyn- you retired before you hit 65 and suddenly realized that you couldn't live on nothing.  This isn't something you considered beforehand.  And instead of going back to work, you cashed in your 401(k) and took that deferred tax hit.  You didn't pay taxes on those investments because you agreed not to cash in, and then your broke that agreement, and then you were stunned the government wanted you to pay your tax liability.  Thanks to Coast One, you managed to screw over the United States twice.  And then you pulled the string on the back of your semi-conscious husband so he could bleat his line.  Well done, Carolyn B- you saved enough money to maybe pay your bills another year.  What's next year's scam?

Evan D. seems to think that because he managed to get away with tax evasion for 14 years, it's totally unfair that the IRS wants to come after him now, like there's some kind of statute of limitations on continuing tax fraud.  Coast One turned a $300,000 debt into $1500 which - get ready to have your heart warmed- "allowed me to keep my family business."  Seriously, WTF?  You were defrauding the people of the United States.  Who gives a fat rat's ass if it was a "family business?" 

Shelby D.  (no obvious relation to Evan D) explains that he fell behind because it "wasn't easy" being a self-employed truck driver.  Seriously, I don't give a damn if you're going through a divorce, retired, running a family business or driving a truck- if you can't spend an hour with H&R Block once a year to make sure you are paying your taxes, I have no sympathy for any of you scumbags.  Pay your freaking bills. 

That's it.  I'm done.  We finally got a snow day, btw.  Looks awesome!

Out of patience with Apple, the iPhone, and the world in general

Somehow the idiots in this commercial managed to "get serious" despite f--ng around with their phones and doing virtually nothing else.  They go from finding an apartment with those phones to taking selfies with themselves in their new apartment to finding a house that fits their stupid dogs and then making stupid faces into their damn phones again.  I guess we're supposed to be happy for them but seriously, why would anyone give a flying care?  It's another phone ad in which nobody makes a call or uses their $1000 phones for much of anything other than taking stupid pictures of their fool grinning extremely punchable faces.

And if the YouTube comments are any indication, the "message" of the ad- which I guess is supposed to be that $1000 for an iPhone isn't so very much 'cause look you can get one free when you buy one- is totally lost on the audience, which is too busy doing it's usual obsessive "what is that song" bit.  One winner asks about the song two weeks after it's title has been revealed, demonstrating that YouTube commenters are far better at asking questions than they are at reading answers.

Oh, this may be a mixed-race couple, which I guess iPhone thinks is super progressive or daring or something.  Hey Apple, want to impress Progressives?  Pay the people who actually put together your pricey electronic drugs for zombies a living wage.  Until then, f--k off.

So much stupid in this Samsung Ad

1.  Why is this woman spending a dinner party looking at her stupid phone instead of actually interacting with her fellow human beings?  Is this just something that always happens at dinner parties these days?

2.  How did this woman get the guy's phone number so she could send him the message?  If they already know eachother, why are they sitting alone at the beginning? 

3.  This guy is sitting literally ten feet away.  Why doesn't she walk over there and sit down next to him, or ask him to join her with, you know, her lips and her actual freaking voice? 

4.  Can you tell I'm getting really ticked off around now?

5.  Why does this "communicate entirely through technology" thing continue after the party, even as they seem to be forming an....um..."relationship?" 

6.  Is it safe to assume that this couple has their first actual conversation somewhere around their fifth anniversary? 

And finally....

7.  What the F--- is the matter with you YouTube commenters?  Are you all mentally ill, or what?  You LIKE this?  What is your problem?

Allstate's Stupid Sexism

This one's short and to the point- just another commercial which passes muster in 2018 because it's the guy being chopped down and body shamed by the woman.  Reverse the genders in this ad and you've got digital pitchforks going after Allstate with a vengeance, and rightly so.

There's nothing wrong with this guy physically- he isn't fat, so we can assume that his wife's little dig doesn't come from a place that cares about his health.  No, this is all about sticking a knife in him for absolutely no reason- and the "punchline" leaves him suitably shamed and shrunken, standing at a refrigerator which I assume he'll now close without taking out any food because his wife* decided she could not simply exit the room but had to leave him with some more emotional scar tissue.  He might not use that gym membership, but at least won't be eating any of the food he paid for which is stored in the refrigerator he paid for which is in the house he paid for.  I wish this commercial had ended with him taking the rest of the leftover pizza and a beer out of the fridge and heading down to his man cave to spend a few hours with the tv. 

Like this ad?  Again, just reverse the genders.  This is pointless, nasty crap.  Thanks, Allstate

*who is skinny and pale and not at all healthy looking, but it's the husband who has the problem because she got the great insurance and he wasted money on a gym membership he doesn't use.  Hey, here's an idea, lady- how about joining the gym so it's something you and hubby can do together that doesn't involve grinding him down with your digs?  Just a thought.