Green Dot Cards- proving once again that it's very expensive to be poor

(First, I'd like to point out that comments are blocked for this YouTube commercial.  After reading a number of reviews of Green Dot, I'm not the least surprised.)

Browsing through RipOffReport.com, I encountered page after page of complaints concerning this thing called "Green Dot Prepaid Cards."  The most common issue involved accessing money placed on the card by the customer.  My immediate response was "why would you exchange cash for a piece of plastic which may or may not give you access to the money you used to buy the piece of plastic?  Does this make sense to anyone, anywhere?"

Then I did a little more research and learned about the customer base for Green Dot cards (the common "I got mine at Dollar General" was my first clue.)  It seems that Green Dot provides a service for a "specific market"- the "underserved customer" (more alarm bells going off, as "underserved customer" means "poor"- rich customers are never, EVER underserved.  Check out tomorrow's post if you don't believe me.)

People who don't have credit cards or bank accounts- like the well-dressed, home-owning suburban white woman in this ad (uh huh, sure)- can easily transfer their cash to a prepaid (by them) plastic card which can then be used anywhere credit or debit cards (or cash) are accepted.  If this sounds like circular stupidity, wait there does seem to be a benefit- when you get paid, your paycheck can INSTANTLY be added to your Green Dot prepaid card balance, "just in time for the weekend," so you can get your money when YOU need it.  Because without a Green Dot card there's no such thing as "Direct Deposit," you know. 

Also with Green Dot you avoid "interest fees" (and "interest") and credit checks and the annoyances of dealing with a bank- you know, like FDIC protection and and actual people you can talk to in person instead of an India-based phone bank.  Sure when something goes wrong and you can't access your money you might find yourself in deep trouble dealing with people on the other side of the planet for whom English is a second language, and sure these cards come with their own monthly fees (averaging $4.95 per month)  but hey that's the cost of convenience, right?

It sure looks like Green Dot and other "prepaid" cards are just another example of how big corporations just love squeezing the people living on the margins, the people who can least afford to lose any part of their cash flow.  I wonder if they are partners with Rent A Center and Payday Lenders, making up a financial Axis of Evil.  I know I'm preaching to the choir and I sure as hell don't want to sound like Dave "Just pay cash, just spend less, just make more money" Ramsey here, but I bet most people who use these cards are perfectly welcome to open accounts at their local bank but have been talked into thinking that they can't by their equally disconnected friends and neighbors.  I'll settle for urging all of them to just pop in to one of those banks next Saturday morning and check out what they have to offer. 

Samsung's Upgrade Every Year Because You Can BS

When you buy a Samsung Galaxy for yourself and a friend, you can upgrade every year!

Every year? Yes, Every year! But just in case you need to be reminded- every year- from now until your worthless life comes to an end, don't worry, the Samsung Phone Monkey at your nearest mall is totally willing to do that.  At least, until he goes insane and lazers your fool head off.

Meanwhile....upgrade every year! Which means three things:

1.  Samsung is telling you in advance that the brand-new, totally tripped-out new phone it just sold you is going to be ancient technology twelve months from now, and if you want to continue to show well for your friends, you're going to want to "upgrade."  And don't worry, Samsung is just going to keep making "upgraded" phones, forever and ever and ever.....

2.  Every year, that landfill is going to leak more toxins from more "ancient" (more than a year old) phones and their lithium batteries (because if you're going to upgrade your phone, why would you want to keep last year's perfectly good but now totally uncool and pointless battery?)  Don't worry, the next generation will deal with the cleanup.  They'll also deal with the culture of disposability we've passed on Just Because.

3.  Despite that culture of disposability, in which nothing is valuable and everything can and should be replaced every single year, SOMEONE will be producing better and better tech for us to consume like greedy starving jagoffs who just want more more more.  SOMEONE will keep producing new shiny things for us to grab at and cuddle with and "need."  As long as that's profitable, it will keep happening.  So yes, we can expect holograms and AI and spacecraft - you just won't be producing it. You'll be too busy playing with your shiny new phone.  And trying to remember that friend you gave the original second one to.

Project Mc2- 'Cause girls can Science too, if you just dress it up right!

Oh, this is so clever!  Girls hate science (and math, and engineering, and all those other professions that are exclusive to guys) but they just adore pink and pretty things and they ESPECIALLY love jewelry!  So this is a really cool way to trick all those silly girls to put down the frilly dresses and Barbies and get involved in science without even realizing it!

My only real criticism is in the name of the product- it includes the word "science," which is totally going to scare off little girls.  I don't like the word "kit," either- that implies that there's some building going on, which might also imply mess, and those are male things.  I'd cut those parts out and replace them with "Awesome" or "Pretty" or "Sparkle" or "Princess" or something like that.  Wait, how about "Magic Princess Sparkle Jewelry Maker?"  "Maker" might make them think of cooking, which would naturally appeal to them, right?

Oh, and I'd be a little concerned about the jewelry being edible, too.  These girls look like they are going to be ten years old in the near future, so they have to start thinking about keeping their weight down so they can attract a mate.  It's not a great idea to encourage girls to eat as they approach their dating years.

How to waste your life properly, the Verizon Fios way!

We start with this woman celebrating the fact that she's got this awesome entertainment system which makes her house the absolute must-place-to-be for "binge watching."  We'll get back to that disgusting concept in a minute.

Some sort-of-humanoid creature who happened to be inhabiting her kitchen suddenly launches into a critique of her cable setup.  I think that this bizarre, misshapen, ugly thing- which may be a rat, or a ferret, or even a homo sapiens if he was born near a toxic waste dump- has decided that its goal in life is to set the middle-aged woman he's encountering straight on what makes a good electronic cocoon /zombie containment system.  My only response to this thing would be to squish it with a shoe or at least open the screen door and chase it outside.*

Ok, back to the whole "binge watching" thing.  I'm still waiting for someone to explain to me the attraction of "binge watching" if you don't have a severe illness or for some other reason have been rendered immobile and a good candidate for quarantine.  Otherwise, how freaking sad do you have to be to even WANT your house to be the place people camp out to watch hour after hour of brain-numbing, life-sucking television?

Even if I was confined to my house by illness, I'd much rather do some binge-reading than binge-watching.  It's cheaper and better for my brain, though it probably wouldn't win the approval of any warped little gnomes living in my kitchen.  And if I wasn't sick?  I'd rather be binge-hiking or binge-museum browsing or binge-talking-to-friends.  Binge-watching?  I guess that's great for losers with oatmeal between the ears who think they've got an infinite amount of time left on Earth.

Sound judgemental?  Good.

*Seriously, was this kid born a block from Chernobyl, or what?

Because you can't spell America without Can-Am. Sort of.

The description of this video focuses on the paint job on the all-terrain vehicle.  It celebrates the "Break-up Country Pattern" which I imagine is supposed to make it invisible to turkeys, deer, immigrants, black people and SJWs.  Technically, the design was chosen to "provide cover on our machines" (make it difficult for Hillary and the Socialist Bernie-crats to find when The Time Comes) and "relies on shadows to achieve added depth." 

Oh but wait, we aren't done yet.  These shadows painted on to "Can-Ams aggressively forward-thinking designs" (forward-thinking?  Sounds like a liberal plot to me) help their machines "to blend into whatever sort of nature you're in" (deserts, deep woods, burned-out urban areas created by the Inevitable Race War, etc.  You know, all that stuff.)

I guess the point is that when you drive one of these machines (after donning that "I'm a soldier" costume you used to wear only during your Saturday night Aryan Nation get-togethers or while playing Call of Duty in your mom's basement) after reflecting on how Manly and American and Not at all Gay Shut Up Where Did You Hear That you are while you go off to stalk whatever animal happens to be in season, you're going to feel much closer to the nature you're about to terminate.  And that's what being Free is all about.  That and guns and attending the Protestant Church of your choice and making damn sure people use the right bathrooms goddammit.

Don't forget the beer.  Prey has an annoying habit of taking it's time wandering into the area you've picked out to park your sorry ass and wait to kill it.

Two Boost Network ads in one blog post. You're Welcome.

In the English version of this commercial, the guy whining like a pathetic little brat about his cell phone coverage- which only allows him to stream video that stutters and has to reboot every few seconds, I guess- is super-upset that what would have seemed downright miraculous a decade ago is now oh so very lame.  The salespeople are naturally in total sympathy with the spoiled doofus and encourage him to switch to Boost so he can keep his eyes glued to the screen and for certain won't notice that truck bearing down on him until it's way too late.  I totally concur.



The guy in this ad beats his wife and kids regularly for infractions like not stacking the soup cans in the pantry properly and upsetting the crease on the sports page.  Fortunately for them, he's only a few months away from suffering a massive, fatal stroke when he's cut off in traffic on the way home from work.

Coast on paying your taxes, ask us to understand and celebrate with you? Pass!

Let me say this straight from the opening: I bet you that every single one of these people thinks that the government should get it's act together and do something about that growing national debt.  The government really, really needs to start living within it's means, that's all they gots to say.  Now on to their stories about how they think it's ok to personally add to that debt:

"Are you seeking tax forgiveness and a fresh start?" Translation:  "Did you avoid paying your fair share of the money required to keep society functioning and want a do-over courtesy of the people who diligently paid their bills year after year Just Because now that you've been caught?"

"For the fresh start you deserve."  Why do you "deserve" it?  Never figured that one out.  You didn't pay your taxes.  You got caught.  Our team of attorneys think- as, no doubt, you do- that you "deserve" a fresh start.  We aren't going to say why- because there really is no why.  If you had any level of introspection, you'd agree.  But the important thing here is to keep money in your pockets, so....

Michael R. tells us his story- see, he just finalized his divorce and faced a tax lien of $113,000 (I don't know what either of those things has to do with eachother, but whatever.)  Coast One was able to settle his debt for $2200, allowing him to "maintain his lifestyle."  He tells us this as he stands in the middle of a golf course.  We were really pulling for you, Michael.  Glad we could help. 

Caroyln B sits on the couch with her robot/puppet husband to tell us how her decision to retire a few years ago came back to bite her in the butt and she had to liquidate her retirement savings, resulting in a big tax penalty.  So, Carolyn- you retired before you hit 65 and suddenly realized that you couldn't live on nothing.  This isn't something you considered beforehand.  And instead of going back to work, you cashed in your 401(k) and took that deferred tax hit.  You didn't pay taxes on those investments because you agreed not to cash in, and then your broke that agreement, and then you were stunned the government wanted you to pay your tax liability.  Thanks to Coast One, you managed to screw over the United States twice.  And then you pulled the string on the back of your semi-conscious husband so he could bleat his line.  Well done, Carolyn B- you saved enough money to maybe pay your bills another year.  What's next year's scam?

Evan D. seems to think that because he managed to get away with tax evasion for 14 years, it's totally unfair that the IRS wants to come after him now, like there's some kind of statute of limitations on continuing tax fraud.  Coast One turned a $300,000 debt into $1500 which - get ready to have your heart warmed- "allowed me to keep my family business."  Seriously, WTF?  You were defrauding the people of the United States.  Who gives a fat rat's ass if it was a "family business?" 

Shelby D.  (no obvious relation to Evan D) explains that he fell behind because it "wasn't easy" being a self-employed truck driver.  Seriously, I don't give a damn if you're going through a divorce, retired, running a family business or driving a truck- if you can't spend an hour with H&R Block once a year to make sure you are paying your taxes, I have no sympathy for any of you scumbags.  Pay your freaking bills. 

That's it.  I'm done.  We finally got a snow day, btw.  Looks awesome!