Oh seriously bite me, Mazda

If the last frame of this noxious dumpster fire of an ad doesn't leave you wanting to punch someone, you are much more tolerant, calm person than I am.  Because I didn't just want to punch the guy spreading his arms out in a "I own the universe 'cause check out my LookAtMeMobile" gesture- I wanted to punch him, knock him down, and roll him off the nearest cliff.  And then send his car down after him.

You have the right to be proud of an accomplishment like climbing a mountain with a heavy bag on your back.  You do not have the right to feel the same way for purchasing a trinket with four wheels and a sound system that makes people even more shallow than you turn and stare as you roar past, dicktard.

All of this "Feel Alive By Driving This Car" bilge is even worse if you watch it without sound, as I originally did.  Because without sound you focus on the smug, cocky-for-no-reason jackanapes who populate the ad.  These people are all doing things that really ought to make them "feel alive"- hiking, cardioboxing,etc- and yet they don't quite achieve actual "Alive-ness" until they blow 80 grand on an impractical automobile which says nothing to the world except "I've got money to burn, and charity begins at home, with me." 

Dunkin Donuts Commercials are FUNNY! REALLY!

See, it's FUNNY because the disgusting coworker reached out and took food right out of the hand of the food's owner and ate it and proclaimed it good!  The disgusting coworker clearly dominates the office- he's probably the mentally ill son of the boss.  I sure hope so- because that would make it EVEN MORE FUNNY!

And the fat doofus who got his food stolen- see, it's FUNNY because it was a two-to-one deal and he has another sandwich getting cold in a desk drawer, so he has no problem losing half of his artery-hardening breakfast to the obnoxious bully who clearly runs and terrorizes the office (again, because he's almost certainly the mentally ill son of the boss.)

It's FUNNY no matter HOW you look at it!  Thanks Dunkin Donuts!

Toxic, Unfunny Sexism from DirecTV

I guess it's supposed to be funny that this insane woman is throwing her boyfriend's belongings out the window, being a total jackass in front of an entire neighborhood which is really really wishing that it was HER who was being evicted because they are sick to death of worrying about what the Emotionally Unstable Nutcase they have to warn their kids to avoid is going to do next.

The guy in this ad is the really lucky one here- he's getting out of a toxic relationship before he managed to foolishly codify it with a marriage license and all the legal problems that could cause down the road.  I don't see any kids around, and I'm going to assume from the "lighthearted" tone of this crud that she didn't toss them out any windows offscreen.  So when he's done being embarressed in front of all the gawking, horrified and thoroughly disgusted neighbors, he can just walk away and get on with his life.  He should start by ending his subscription to the LookingForAbusiveUnstableLunatics dating site.

Meanwhile, just try to imagine the outrage if you reverse the sexes here.  Let me know how long it takes for your brain to explode.

The commercial ends with Insane Woman settling down to watch some tv to kill time before the police arrive.  Warms the heart.

Chevy's "Real People, Not Actors" tragic outtake

I could have spent an entire post complaining about the monstrosity of an LA house this SUV is parked in front of.  Seriously, what the hell- is that George Lucas' house, or what?  Who lives here?  Why did we come here to make this ad?  What the serious hell is going on here?

But it gets much, much worse- after today's group of "Real People, Not Actors" bleat their orgasmic appreciation of the crap Chevrolet sitting in front of them, we get a stunningly pointless punchline- family I guess they have not seen in agest is sitting inside, presumably waiting for them to get done slobbering their lines so they could be released from their freaking tombs and step outside into the lovely driveway above Los Angeles.

What happens next isn't exactly clear- everybody's just walking away from the house and the SUV.  Where are the going?  Are they being escorted to the bottom of the hill so they can consult the bus schedules after a quick "thank you" handshake from the Chevy spokeschoad?  They seem to be making a pretty quick exit- did Lucas not give them permission to use his house and driveway as the backdrop for this ad?  I'd think grandma might need a drink of water or to use the toilet after all that time in the Chevy waiting for the door to open....

Oh, what's the "outtake" I mentioned in the title? Well, turns out that the family that emerges from the SUV at the end is completely CGI'd.  The original family died of heat exhaustion sitting in that damn thing waiting for the door to open, afraid that if they just gave up and opened it themselves they'd ruin their chances to be on the TV.  Poor grandma,being brought to the airport and put on a plane and flown to Los Angeles to see relatives only to die in the back seat of a crummy Chevy SUV while her granddaughter drooled all over her tomb.

Hey Google, Who's Making Who Here?

My original take on this commercial along the lines of another "ugh we are becoming more and more helpless and dependent on this stupid technology by the second."  It worked better with the long (tv)  version, which includes a woman almost killing herself in her own home because she "can't" find the light switch Thank Heavens For Google Now You Can Just Tell Google To Turn on the Lights you Used to Have to Turn On All By Yourself Like Your Ancient Ancestors Did and two jackasses in a car bleating "I'm not gonna do it" which I guess means it was never going to get done before the opportunity to ask Magic Listening Voice to do it.

Because this is a (mercifully) short version of that noxious waste dump of an ad, I'll go in another direction:  Google, Alexa etc. are, in fact, the Fifth Column of Capitalism, welcomed into our homes disguised in the irresistable trappings of Convenience.  Every time we bleat a request or command into one of these things we pretend are serving us, we are adding to our electronic ID being compiled by Corporate America.  What we like to watch, what we eat, when we are home, when we are in our cars, the names and phone numbers of our friends, the web sites we visit, the medications we take- every. Single. Scrap. of information we share with our "Google Assistant" is being shared with the world.

Maybe most of us don't give a damn anymore- we're constantly taking selfies and lovingly editing them with our $1000 cameras before posting them everywhere, we're telling pollsters that we "don't care" if the government reads our emails or listens to our phone calls because "If I'm not doing anything wrong I've got nothing worry about."  So if someone wants to learn all about me through my barked commands at the Alexa or Google device I've got sitting in my house, well, at least I don't have to dial or go online to get a pizza, and I'll never trip in the dark again so there's that, too.

Do Super Beta Prostate pills come with steak knives or hearing aids?

I'm dealing with the radio verson of this commercial on XM Classic Radio every few minutes, so now you have to too.  You're welcome.

The radio version really targets the middle-aged, asking again and again if they're "frustrated" that they have to "pee so often."* The announcer uses the word "pee" so much I'm surprised he doesn't break into snickering and giggling at some point in the ad.  Is the word "urinate" hard to pronounce?  Do the makers of Beta Prostate think that middle aged people won't know what it means?  Or do they think midde-aged people will giggle appreciatively at the word "pee" too?

Anyway, on to this product, which I guess is endorsed by Larry King (as if that means anything- what over-the-counter miracle "medication" ISN'T endorsed by Larry King?)  It's all about the symptoms, people, and this stuff "may" be effective in dealing with those symptoms.  You can get it by calling a toll-free number or going online, both of which are a lot easier than making an appointment with an actual doctor who might give you an examination and maybe, you know, find the CAUSE and treat THAT.

Which might be significant.  Because problems with the prostate are no joke.  I seem to remember that there's a form of cancer involving the prostate- what was that called again?

But never mind that.  What you don't know won't hurt you.  Be like the idiots who pop two Aleve a day, every day, to deal with regular, nagging pain.  Or the "this is nothing if I treat it like nothing" living-in-denial dopes who wrap copper around their aching knees.  If you don't go to the doctor, you can't be diagnosed with something serious.  So stay away from the doctor and stick with home "remedies" like this crap.  Keep handing Larry King your money.  Those trophy wives don't come cheap, and the divorces are even pricier.

*In case you wanted to give credit to XM Radio for picking its commercial spots wisely, I am also constantly assaulted with ads for Channel 43, which sounds like a very loud modern "music" channel targeted to angry illiterates in the 16-25 range, so there's that, too.  I'm sure devotees to Classic Content Radio will rush over to Angry Oppressed Millionaire Rap Channel 43 as soon as Life with Riley and Lux Radio Theater is over.

"Life Awaits?" LIFE AWAITS????

Rage....rising.....

Seriously, stop showing me this crap on tv, please.  The LAST thing I really need in my life right now is ads featuring grinning, already-have-pretty-much-everything millenials checking out the benefits of a g-d d--ned "Liferoom."  You know, it's just a thing to park between your million-dollar McMansion and the pool- or perhaps to enhance your view of the f--ng marina.

I hate absolutely everybody right now.