I am not a good person, which is why I'm going to keep picking on this Verizon Fios thing

Hey look everybody, it's the squishy blob of protoplasm currently employed as a spokesomething by Verizon Fios!  Seriously, though, I don't like being mean- but what the hell is WITH this kid?

It's bad enough that he sounds like he's sucking on marbles and he looks like leftover genetic material from a Science Fair experiment gone horribly wrong, but what makes it truly horrible is his endless pimping for a crappy internet service devoted to keeping us glued to our electronic devices 24/7.

So I have only two questions for this thing-

1.  Have you ever made a friend other than online, or do your fellow gamers labor under the false impression that they are playing against a fellow human being?

2.  Do you get your raw fish treat as soon as the shoot is over, or do you have to flap your flippers and bark some squeaky code first?

More fun from the Verizon Fios Gnome

Seriously, this creepy kid is devoting his entire life to judging other people's online entertainment equipment?  WTF is that all about? How much is Verizon Fios paying him to be the most annoying, nosy little brat in the neighborhood?

He's so freaking obnoxious in his whoring for Fios that I'm not even going to get triggered over the little girl's "it better" response to the question about a woman's new setup's ability to provide endless electronic entertainment to all the kids on the block.  Personally, I'd rather NOT own the house that is a kid magnet because it's the Place to Be when you want to turn your brains into puddles of warm pudding watching television or "surfing"* the internet.  "It better?" Hey kid, you're threatening to pull a little hissy fit if your connection isn't up to your standards?  I suggest you re-evaluate your position in this family.  See, you're a child.  You don't pay the bills and you don't make the decisions.  Want to waste your life watching tv?  You can start doing that the moment you move out.

We desperately need an SNL parody of these ads which include the neighbors just telling this nasty little jerk to just f--k off and report back to the science lab he escaped from.  Yes, I went there.  No, I'm not going apologize.  This kid is WEIRD.

*Actual surfing is exercise.  Looking for stuff to watch on tv is not.  So, it's not surfing. 

This Edward Jones Investment Woman sure knows how to reel in the next generation

So this thirtysomething guy walks into an Edward Jones Brokerage office to meet with the woman who has been handling his parents' money for years.  The parents have been talking to her for years about their son, no doubt mentioning on more than one ocassion that he has a decent job and a wife and family but has shown very little interest in planning for the future.

Finally, the son has been guilted into visiting with Mommy and Daddy's investment fund manager.  The very first thing she does is let him know that she's got at least some of the backstory.  The very first thing HE does is let her know that he's basically still just a little boy whose parents have been nagging him to do at least a LITTLE thinking about tomorrow and how maybe buying a house and establishing a college fund for his son just MIGHT be something he should be looking into.

Edward Jones lady lets the son know that she's really not all that interested in what Mommy and Daddy think (I really doubt that's what she told them when she was urging them to get their son to give her a call.)  Never mind that house and college stuff, what does Son want for the future?

For the sake of this guy's wife and son, I kind of hope that he ultimately puts aside his pride and admits that yeah, actually, his parents are spot on with their ideas of what he should be doing now that he has a wife and a kid.  Especially that whole college fund thing.  But what if he doesn't, and the next thing out of his mouth is "that's so cool, because what I REALLY want is to take a couple of years off to find myself in Tibet and then get a kick-ass dirt bike for the weekends.  I figure my kid will get a scholarship?"  How does Edward Jones I'm Really Interested In What You Want Never Mind Your Parents lady say to that?

I don't think it would have been SO bad for this woman to reply to his opening statement with "yes, a college fund is really important, even if you had to be told that by your parents."  Because it kind of is regardless of who said it first, right?

Oh seriously bite me, Mazda

If the last frame of this noxious dumpster fire of an ad doesn't leave you wanting to punch someone, you are much more tolerant, calm person than I am.  Because I didn't just want to punch the guy spreading his arms out in a "I own the universe 'cause check out my LookAtMeMobile" gesture- I wanted to punch him, knock him down, and roll him off the nearest cliff.  And then send his car down after him.

You have the right to be proud of an accomplishment like climbing a mountain with a heavy bag on your back.  You do not have the right to feel the same way for purchasing a trinket with four wheels and a sound system that makes people even more shallow than you turn and stare as you roar past, dicktard.

All of this "Feel Alive By Driving This Car" bilge is even worse if you watch it without sound, as I originally did.  Because without sound you focus on the smug, cocky-for-no-reason jackanapes who populate the ad.  These people are all doing things that really ought to make them "feel alive"- hiking, cardioboxing,etc- and yet they don't quite achieve actual "Alive-ness" until they blow 80 grand on an impractical automobile which says nothing to the world except "I've got money to burn, and charity begins at home, with me." 

Dunkin Donuts Commercials are FUNNY! REALLY!

See, it's FUNNY because the disgusting coworker reached out and took food right out of the hand of the food's owner and ate it and proclaimed it good!  The disgusting coworker clearly dominates the office- he's probably the mentally ill son of the boss.  I sure hope so- because that would make it EVEN MORE FUNNY!

And the fat doofus who got his food stolen- see, it's FUNNY because it was a two-to-one deal and he has another sandwich getting cold in a desk drawer, so he has no problem losing half of his artery-hardening breakfast to the obnoxious bully who clearly runs and terrorizes the office (again, because he's almost certainly the mentally ill son of the boss.)

It's FUNNY no matter HOW you look at it!  Thanks Dunkin Donuts!

Toxic, Unfunny Sexism from DirecTV

I guess it's supposed to be funny that this insane woman is throwing her boyfriend's belongings out the window, being a total jackass in front of an entire neighborhood which is really really wishing that it was HER who was being evicted because they are sick to death of worrying about what the Emotionally Unstable Nutcase they have to warn their kids to avoid is going to do next.

The guy in this ad is the really lucky one here- he's getting out of a toxic relationship before he managed to foolishly codify it with a marriage license and all the legal problems that could cause down the road.  I don't see any kids around, and I'm going to assume from the "lighthearted" tone of this crud that she didn't toss them out any windows offscreen.  So when he's done being embarressed in front of all the gawking, horrified and thoroughly disgusted neighbors, he can just walk away and get on with his life.  He should start by ending his subscription to the LookingForAbusiveUnstableLunatics dating site.

Meanwhile, just try to imagine the outrage if you reverse the sexes here.  Let me know how long it takes for your brain to explode.

The commercial ends with Insane Woman settling down to watch some tv to kill time before the police arrive.  Warms the heart.

Chevy's "Real People, Not Actors" tragic outtake

I could have spent an entire post complaining about the monstrosity of an LA house this SUV is parked in front of.  Seriously, what the hell- is that George Lucas' house, or what?  Who lives here?  Why did we come here to make this ad?  What the serious hell is going on here?

But it gets much, much worse- after today's group of "Real People, Not Actors" bleat their orgasmic appreciation of the crap Chevrolet sitting in front of them, we get a stunningly pointless punchline- family I guess they have not seen in agest is sitting inside, presumably waiting for them to get done slobbering their lines so they could be released from their freaking tombs and step outside into the lovely driveway above Los Angeles.

What happens next isn't exactly clear- everybody's just walking away from the house and the SUV.  Where are the going?  Are they being escorted to the bottom of the hill so they can consult the bus schedules after a quick "thank you" handshake from the Chevy spokeschoad?  They seem to be making a pretty quick exit- did Lucas not give them permission to use his house and driveway as the backdrop for this ad?  I'd think grandma might need a drink of water or to use the toilet after all that time in the Chevy waiting for the door to open....

Oh, what's the "outtake" I mentioned in the title? Well, turns out that the family that emerges from the SUV at the end is completely CGI'd.  The original family died of heat exhaustion sitting in that damn thing waiting for the door to open, afraid that if they just gave up and opened it themselves they'd ruin their chances to be on the TV.  Poor grandma,being brought to the airport and put on a plane and flown to Los Angeles to see relatives only to die in the back seat of a crummy Chevy SUV while her granddaughter drooled all over her tomb.