Sexist Crud from Groupon

Let's imagine that this ad features a thirtysomething guy sitting by his pool telling us that he's "totally on" with his much younger, and clearly disinterested, "pool girl" before barking at her to acknowledge his presence.  Yeah, that would so not cause problems today. 

What is it with this meme featuring women lusting after the pool boy?  That bit is so old it's got moss on it, besides being totally retrograde these days.  Not to mention that it doesn't advance the cause of selling this service one inch.  So what the hell did I just watch?

(Oh and BTW I guess I'm supposed to know who this woman is, and I'm very, very proud that I don't.) 

Prager U continues to get everything wrong

The pretentiously titled "Prager U" channel- which is, again, not a University but rather a forum for right-wing radio hack Dennis Prager's narrow-minded viewpoints and those of his friends- is at it again, this time trying to explain to us that even if we aren't sure if there is a god we should just believe anyway because beliefs have benefits that non-belief does not.

Today's guest choad starts by asserting that "if god exists, then the universe didn't just evolve by chance, but by deliberate design."  There are at LEAST two fallacies in that one sentence.  First, even if there IS a god, you need to prove that it "deliberately designed" the universe.  Proof that a god exists wouldn't prove anything about it's works or it's intentions.  Second- and related- is that buzzword "evolve."  I'm guessing this idiot is about to be Clueless Idiot #234897 on the internet to confuse Evolution with Abiogenesis. Let's see.

"There's an artist behind this incredible work of art, this big and beautiful world."  Oh, I'm not sure I can do this after all, not if you're going to jump right from a binary argument to the Argument from Analogy.  This planet is a "work of art," and all art must have an artist, therefore god? This world is "big and beautiful?" Big compared to what?  Beautiful compared to what?  This guy is going to use the phrase "fine-tuned" to describe a universe in which life as we know it can exist almost nowhere, isn't he?

Never mind, this guy goes completely off the rails in the very next paragraph and it's clear that his actual argument is the Argument from Emotion.  We're "living in a story" and the story must "have a happy ending, eventually...maybe not in our lifetime, but it must, for as surely as god exists.." which you haven't proven, "Professor," but to be fair you made it very clear early on that you had not intention of even attempting to prove it, just to convince us that belief was beneficial without proof.

He then goes into the Argument of Evil problem- evil exists because god allows it to exist, because of Free Will, which is a gift to all of us except Adam and Eve of course who were punished along with all of their decendents, forever, for exercising it never mind that they did not have knowledge of good and evil before making that "choice."  "God will reconcile all injustices in the end"- that would be the god you haven't proven exists, let alone gives a damn what's going on, and as we're only a minute in to this four minute video I'm sure you're going to be explaining very soon why god doesn't stop child rapists, cancer, hurricanes, etc BEFORE they happen rather than allowing all of this suffering and then "setting things right" in some distant future?

I'm a minute in.  One. Minute. In.  And this guy has already buried his audience with baseless assertions and empty promises.  My original plan was to tackle this one in four or five parts, but I just can't see myself going back to it just to get to the inevitable "if god doesn't exist there is no ultimate justice and that would be unfair therefore you should believe god exists so you don't get the sads about injustice" claptrap.  So I'm just going to leave it here.  You got ten minutes of my time, Prager U.  Can you sign my drop sheet please?

Grammarly: Because we can't write OR speak anymore

I'm not sure why the viewers are treated to the sight of this moron talking with food in his mouth for the majority of the commercial, but I guess that's just the way Grammarly rolls these days.  I'm also not sure why this disgusting slob has any friends, let alone one close enough to went him to give a wedding toast (you'd think that honor would go to someone capable of giving a thirty-second speech without spending hours with a laptop and a Fix Your Elementary School Level Errors App.)  And I certainly have no idea how the American Educational System failed so miserably that there is now an actual customer base for a program designed to save it's users from being exposed as the illiterate morons they are, or why the groom at this wedding would expect anything more from the hairy douchenozzle standing next to him during the ceremony.

Very likely, the cretin's speech will be greeted with comments like "who wrote that for you, it sure didn't sound like you I mean it included words of more than one syllable?"  Maybe he could make it sound more authentic by jamming some food into his mouth after every sentence.

BTW, the comment section for this ad is blocked.  Gee, I wonder why?

Napoleon Grills salutes the Upgrade

When I saw this guy standing next to his $100,000 car parked next to his $2 million dollar house, I thought that when he said he was ready for an upgrade it meant it was time to ditch the spouse and move on to the trophy wife.

Then it got weird- he walked past his Olympic-sized backyard swimming pool and his Clearly Not Trophy Wife before congratulating himself on his purchase of a Napoleon Grill.  Not Trophy Wife gives the guy who provided the massive house and swimming pool a condescending eyeroll before bonding with equally ungrateful daughter.  They seem to be congratulating eachother for being clever, or something, when all they've actually done is provide some level of justification when Daddy completes the whole upgrade thing and replaces his wife with someone roughly his daughter's age- you know, someone who will look much better in a bathing suit next to that awesome pool.

Hilarious As Seen on TV Arctic Air Commercial

Oh my god these ads are sooooo very cheesy, I have to believe that the same company makes every late night commercial out there.  It just doesn't matter if they are for Eagle Eyes Sunglasses, Magic Tomato or Upside Down Banana trees or plastic moving parrots complete with cage for some reason- it's got to be the same company with a trademark on this level of in-your-face oversell.

This one is for something called the "Arctic Air Conditioner," which claims to both cool and "purify" the air which is suffocating the people populating the advertisement.  Look, you could turn on the AC but that will put you in the poorhouse.  You could turn on that massive fan but that's just going to blow hot air at you, don't do that.  You could just lie around the house with a wet towel on your head.  Or maybe you could stop dressing like it's fifty degrees in your home, that's not suggested but the thought did pop into my brain while watching this.

Or, you could buy a "portable" (capable of being unplugged and moved into another room means "portable" for the purposes of this advertisement) air conditioner which is basically just a fan in a box which blows the air through the water you fill it with.  Oh wait that's not quite true, it's also a nightlight with five "mood color lights" which I have to admit is kind of cool, but still doesn't justify the $40 price tag, and I don't care if I CAN get another one Just Pay Extra.  It's a fan in a box and that's all it is.  $10 tops at the Dollar Store.  $40?  Sorry, no- and still no even when you try to con me into thinking it's cheaper by cutting the cost into "two easy payments" and giving me another one for a "little extra."

And what's with the special effects that make it look like the fan in a box is "radiating" temperature-reducing cooling rays?  They look exactly like the effects used to demonstrate the efficiency of Magic Ears hearing aids and plug-in vermin repellents.  It's a FREAKING FAN in a FREAKING BOX which blows the air through water.  Why do they make it look like it's sending a distress call to Aquaman?

I do love these ads, though.  Whichever company is making them- please, keep it up.  I can't get enough of these Frustrated By Life's Little Annoyances people and their delight at the relief they get from your weird junk.  They sure make maintaining this blog easier.

Another FUNNY Dunkin Donuts Commercial that's FUNNY BECAUSE LOOK

Hey everybody, I'm a bit too busy to do a post today so I asked Frito Pendejo from the film Idiocracy to do a guest appearance on the blog and write today's commentary.  Take it away, Frito!

"This Dunkin Donuts Commercial, like ALL Dunkin Donuts Commercial, is wicked funny even hilarious but for totally different reasons than the others are, that just shows how smart the Dunkin Donuts Commercials people are!

This one is fun for LOL so many reasons!  First, because there's this really really old guy sitting on a bench who is so OLD LOL that it takes a half an hour for him to get his food to his face ROTFLMAO I bet he hasn't had anything hot to eat in maybe like thirty years!  Plus check out that look in his face OMIGOD CLASSIC it's so obvious that he's got dementia or some other really really FUNNY old person disease, he probably doesn't even know what planet he's on MY RIBS ARE TOTALLY SPLITTING NOW.  And don't even get me started on how long he's been sitting there I mean once these guys sit down you can bet they never get up without some kind of weird chair assist thing OLD PEOPLE AND THEIR MOBILITY ISSUES OMIGOD THERE OUGHT TO BE A SHOW ABOUT THEM I WOULD SO WATCH!  I bet he lost control of his bowels hours ago LOL!!

And as if that's not enough hilarity for one VERY VERY FUNNY Dunkin Donuts Commercial, a disease-ridden rat with wings swoops down and steals the guy's food I ALMOST DIED.  I guess it might be a little sad if that meant the old guy is not going to have anything to eat now, but don't worry the young woman sitting next to him replaced the sandwich with another one 'cause you see the point is that it's buy one get one free or two for $2 or something I don't know didn't really pay attention 'cause too busy focusing on the REALLY FUNNY OLD MAN AND HIS PROBLEMS!!

Thanks Dunkin Donuts for another SUPER-FUNNY Ad I just HAD to share with everybody!  Made my weekend (how f--ig sad is THAT?)  Now I'm gonna go get myself some Dunkin Coffee 'cause this ad so put me in the mood for it and a sandwich too, well done!"

Honey's vision of the Good Life is really weird

During the 9th hour of this friendless, disgusting loser's marathon binge-watching of Game of Thrones, her stomach suddenly reminded her that she had not budged from the couch except to use the toilet (because couch-toilets won't be widely available until sometime next year) and that she really should consume some calories before the rest of her body goes the way of her brain somewhere around Hour 4.

The kitchen is in the next room, but that's All The Way Over There and besides she hasn't been outside to see if Peapod made her grocery delivery and the porch is Even Farther Away, so she reaches for the laptop and starts looking for a good deal on a pizza.  Turns out that she's not just lacking in a life or friends or any interest in getting her pathetic ass off that couch- she's also kind of short on money, because instead of just going to LocalPizza.com she has to hunt around for a coupon first. 

Meanwhile, she's getting REALLY hungry.  I mean, just listen to her stomach.  I mean that.  Listen to it.  I had to, so you do too.

In the end, this twat somehow managed to get to the front door when the pizza showed up- I'm sure she was totally put out that the delivery guy didn't just bring it into the living room and shove the first piece into her mouth, but maybe she made an arrangement with him so he will next time.  And the commercial ends with us getting to see her pig face smeared with tomato sauce as the population of Idiocracy has a big belly laugh over all of this because OMIGOD That Is So Me Sometimes.

After she's consumed a few slices, it's back to bleaching her brain for another hour or so, or until the carb and sugar infusion puts her into a semi-comatose state, right there on the couch.  Tomorrow she wakes up in dirty, stained clothes, stuck to the cushions by her own perspiration, next to a box of cold, stale, half-eaten pizza swimming in it's own bacteria.  Yep, she's living the dream, all right.  Thanks, Honey!