CENTRIC - the channel for Black Women? We sure about that?

I'm the least-qualified person on the planet to argue what black women want in a television channel, so I'm not going to criticize an ad which suggests that what black women want is a channel which celebrates black women who are mothers, jet-setters, go-getters, "bad-asses," or just stare at the screen like they are trying to make my head explode with their minds.  White women have had Lifetime for years- if there's a channel designed to appeal specifically to black women, that's just fine with me and the last thing any black woman needs is a white guy telling them that what they want is really stupid and shallow and brain cell-killing unconstructive, pointless drivel.  So I won't go there.

But here's where I will comment:  I was on the elliptical at the gym the other day scrolling through the channels looking for something to watch until I reached my mileage goal and naturally came across a showing of The Shawshank Redemption.  I say "naturally" because it's a little known fact of television science that The Shawshank Redemption is playing on at least one channel in the television universe every minute of every day, it's just a matter of finding the right one at any given moment.  Thing is, I found it on Centric.

Now, again, I am not qualified to know what black women want in a television channel.  But The Shawshank Redemption does not feature a single black actress.  It includes exactly one scene featuring a white woman who has no lines.  It includes exactly one black male actor who spends the film surrounded by white male actors.  It's one of the most male, most white films made in the past forty years.  But there it was, on Centric, the channel for black women.

Here's what I suspect- Judging from the previously-stated fact that The Shawshank Redemption is on tv all the time, it's a film that is practically in the public domain, available for nothing or next to nothing to any cable channel that wants to chop it up, inundate it with seemingly endless commercials (mostly for the channel) so it's run time extends to three and a half hours, and throw it on the air to save the money original material costs.  Doesn't matter what the target audience is or the niche the channel is allegedly trying to fill- The Shawshank Redemption is just fine for Comedy Central, UPN, USA Network*, the SciFi Channel, the History Channel, whatever- it's a cheap gap-filler.  But even as a white male, I can see it's especially jarring when it's used for Centric.  Cripes, what's next- you going to run episodes of The Big Bang Theory or Friends on the Network for Black Women?

*Well, ok, not USA Network.  They'll never run out of episodes of Law & Order.

What's FAIR? Nativism with cute animation, that's what.

Note that at NO point in this ugly, bigoted rant is the "why is it a problem" part of the title ever addressed.  Sophia comes to the United States for a better life, and inspires members of her family and their friends- a whopping total of 36 people over god knows how many years when you think about how long it takes to fill out the applications these days- and the negative result is....well, what, exactly?  That a nation of 300 million has added 36?  What is the crisis here "Fair?"

And check out the YouTube cretins, using the same arguments put forward against Catholics in the 1850s, the Chinese in the 1880s, Jews in the 1920s....the "arguments" which boil down to "I'm here, that's enough, my family should be the last allowed in, shut the door because these people aren't assimilating they are just retarding our wage scales and eating up our resources blah blah blah I wish I could say what I really mean but I don't want to get called the racist jackass I am....."

Oh, but I'm sure I'll get a response along the lines of "when my ancestors came they followed the rules."  First, that's exactly what these people are doing.  They are coming here legally, filling out forms, following the rules.  Second, what "rules" did your ancestors follow?  Until 1924 there were virtually NO rules for entering the United States and becoming a permanent citizen- your chances of making it through the screening process was about 97%, and the whole deal- from luggage inspection to medical check to intelligence test- took about 3 hours on average.  Your ancestors didn't jump through hoops to prove their worthiness to be American citizens, unless you think that standing in a crowded line for an afternoon constitutes a trial by fire.

Tell you what, you wannabee modern Know-Nothings:  Let's be totally FAIR and put the system your ancestors used to gain entry into the world's largest refugee camp back into place.  Oh let me guess- it's "different" now because America is really crowded and the world is really dangerous, right?  Well, fact is that we have a skilled worker shortage in this country, which is why your kids' doctor is very likely to be an Indian and why tech companies are begging the government to allow more educated workers in on at least temporary visas.  The world is really dangerous?  More dangerous than when Europe was embroiled in one war after another, which was probably when your own family arrived?

Kiss off, FAIR.  Stop producing the most nakedly anti-American hate propaganda not actually featuring Alex Jones already.  This is just crap, and you should be ashamed.  You should also read some history about the country you claim to support.  Because you clearly don't know anything about it.

Walgreen's Seriously Stupid Red Nose Ads scream "punch me here!"

First, to the person who decided to repost this commercial and include an intro:  "Important Notice: If an agency or product owner does not want any publishment, it is withdrawn back?" What the HELL does that mean?  Seriously, English Much? 

Second, does Walgreens even get that the only thing less funny than some random stranger on the street wearing a red nose is EVERYONE ON THE PLANET WEARING A RED NOSE?  Red noses aren't funny.  At best, they are banal because they are just red noses- if you think they are funny, you think everything is funny (see the next paragraph.)  At worst, they remind us of clowns, which are terrifying until we reach the age of four, mildly amusing until we reach the age of six, boring until we reach the age of 10, and then go back to being terrifying until we die (those three babies we see early in the ad would not actually giggle at the sight of a total stranger making faces at them while wearing a rubber nose.  They'd scream.  Guaranteed.)

Third, what is this red nose thing all about other than showing white people doing something really stupid and demonstrating that no white people have any sense of humor at all, and then showing that black people are perfectly willing to act like white people in the service of being really stupid and showing that they also have zero sense of humor?  I mean, come on- the black married couple just stick red noses on and get their photos taken so they can either cringe at those photos for the rest of their lives or skip them altogether when they look at the album.  You know, it's kind of rare when people do something they KNOW they'll regret forever at the moment they are actually doing it- but if this couple doesn't realize that sticking red rubber noses on before sealing the deal at the wedding isn't something they really, really wish they hadn't done at the moment they do it, they should not breed.  Like, ever.

Fourth, this was not the Walgreens Red Nose ad I was going to use for this post, but I couldn't find the one currently making the rounds which features a perpetually delighted pregnant woman, her perpetually delighted little girl, and their adventures prancing around with stupid red balls attached to their punchable, incredibly self-satisfied and smug faces. But this one will do, because it's every bit as pointless and stupid and cringey. 

Wrapping up McDonald's "Speechless Thoughts" Trilogy....

This one with Charles Barkley is different from the others only in that Barkley isn't completely silent throughout, but instead treats us to a few "mmmm mmmm mmmms" at the very beginning.* Otherwise it's the same already-tired schtick we saw with Gabrielle Union and John Goodman- he just holds the cheeeburger next to his face while rocking back and forth and ocassionally pretending to take a bite by moving it slightly closer to his mouth.

I don't know why McDonald's made these ads.  They aren't funny, they don't make me hungry for a cheeseburger, and they sure don't make me think "wow, McDonald's is being very clever here."  I'm sure that at some point someone will comment "hey, you paid attention to it, and that's what advertising is all about," which is the inane drum solo of "gotchas."  I notice and pay attention to car wrecks, too, and the other day watched a flock of tiny birds attempt to save one of their own from a crow's beak.  Didn't make me want to buy anything- which IS the point of commercials.

I DO know why McDonald's locked out comments on all three of these stupid ads, however.  They know this is stupid trash, and they don't want to hear it, and they don't want to pay people to pretend they are funny or clever, and they know that by artificially inflating the "likes" when all the honest responses say the ad is crap is an old con everyone sees through nowadays. 

*I wonder if Barkley's inability to be completely "speechless" during a 30-second ad is supposed to be a "clever" take on his reputation for having a big, constantly-running mouth that can't even stop expressing itself long enough to do a commercial in which he's supposed to be 'Speechless?'  Still not clever, McDonald's.  I hope you are done with these things.  They won't be missed.

Episode II of McDonald's weird new Speechless campaign

In this episode of McDonald's bizarre new tv series Let's Watch Washed-Up Actors and Sports Figures Eat Cheeseburgers, the featured player is John Goodman because well, why not?  (Or, "well, what could better convince people to buy and consume McDonald's cheeseburgers than watching an elderly, obese actor eating one while making stupid 'I can't act at all' faces?")

I don't know why McDonald's thought this was a smart way to sell food, but I'm no marketing genius.  I know what I like, and this doesn't resemble that.  I know what makes me hungry, and this SURE doesn't do that.  Maybe Charles Barkley can do it?  Stay tuned.

McDonald's cheeseburger ads leave me almost speechless. Almost.

The most horrible thing about these horrible, horrible ads is that they all feature actual actors, yet when tasked to do nothing more than signify pleasure in eating a cheeseburger all they can do is grimace and squirm and act as if eating that burger is an act of pure torture.  Leaving us, the viewer, tortured in turn.

I mean, look at this.  What is happening to Gabrielle Union in this ad?  Is she struggling to keep the burger down?  Is she tearing up?  Is she in severe need of a bathroom break and mentally begging the director to yell "cut" so she can make a b-line for the little girl's room? Is she sitting on a sharp rock?  Nothing about her facial expression is delivering the message "gee, she sure looks like she's loving that cheeseburger."

Anyone shocked that comments are blocked for these ads?  Not me.  I can only imagine that McDonald's produced them, showed them to a few focus groups, and responded to the feedback with "oh what the hell, we made these things and paid for them, let's just slap them on tv, don't know why we even make commercials for a place everyone already goes to anyway, but we've got this budget and we have to show something for it, so...."

Meanwhile, someone get Ms Union some freaking acting lessons.  The stand-in at any High School spring production could do a better job showing joy for thirty seconds than this "actress."  Just terrible.

Botox Treatments: When you don't know what you got till it's gone

The guy in this ad is a rich, successful architect with a big house and a beautiful child.  He has his health, as evidenced by the fact that we see him jogging through the woods.  Looks to me like he's got it all.

Oh, but he also has "moderate to severe" crow's feet and frown lines to go along with the gray in his beard,* and there's this young guy at the office he feels threatened by, so he's going to go through botox treatments which carry the risk of these symptoms:  Difficulty breathing, swallowing, eye problems, muscle weakness, all of which could be signs of a life-threatening condition.  Side effects may include "rash, welts, asthma symptoms and dizziness."

Oh, there's more you may have missed because it was partially drowned out by the punchy music:  treatments may cause some kind of pain I could not catch no matter how many times I listened, plus "eyelid drooping" and "eyelid swelling."

"The details make the difference, the man makes them matter" is the glorious punchline.  I have another one: what kind of cretin would be willing to make his little girl an orphan in exchange for a few more years of looking like a slightly younger Eurotrash version of his true self?  Hey, buddy- that little kid who loves and depends on you?  She doesn't notice your crow's feet.  She might notice all those horrible side effects you are risking because you can't deal with getting older.  Something to think about:  This isn't all about you.  Not anymore.  Not since you had that kid.  Dicktard.

*A simple hair coloring to take the gray out of the beard seems to be the last thing this guy considers- first, botox injections that might destroy his health, THEN Just for Men haircolor.  Yeah, this makes total sense.