Ocean City presents the...um...."Fun" Family

Get it?  Because their last name is "Fun."  And they like to have "Fun."  Isn't that clever?

I wonder why they aren't the Inane Family.  Or the Doofus Family.  Or they Whitebread Family.  I mean, come on.  This perfectly ordinary, boring man-child bumped into a desperate, Clock-is-ticking Equally Uninteresting, Depressingly Fertile female of the species totally willing to mate with anyone who could provide sperm and a reasonable amount of money for a bank account and a House in the SuburbsTM.  In due time they managed to pass their DNA on to the next generation of perfectly ordinary, probably Just As Boring kids who will grow up to marry people of their same race and mind set and start the whole vicious cycle all over again.

In the meantime, these are the people you'll meet if you go to Ocean City, Maryland, otherwise known as Six Flags For People of Moderate Income.  Moron adults with their moron kids acting like morons. 

Now, if all this cloying - not to mention all the noise that goes with crowds of kids and their stupid parents and water slides and rides and ride lines- isn't for you, you could head a few miles down the road and enjoy the windswept dunes of Rehoboth Beach in Delaware.  No arcades or mini-golf or water slides or rollercoasters, just sand and surf and nature quiet time with your kids.  For people who don't need constant stimulation to keep their "brains" going, might be worth a visit.  But if you aspire to be like the "Fun" Family, please stick to Ocean City and the glitzy carnival atmosphere and the corn dogs and the cotton candy and the noise.  You wouldn't find the quiet beaches fun- in fact, you might find it downright terrifying having to entertain your kids without assistance from colorful shiny junk.  And we don't want you there anyway. 

Off to Florida for my annual Working Vacation!

I treat you to a minute of this woman with a very punchable face and waaaay too much enthusiasm in her voice to remind you that I will be grading AP exams in Tampa again from June 2-10, and won't be updating my blog until I return.

I was able to visit a few of these attractions last year- I walked the Riverwalk every day and took in a few museums.  The amusement park and George Steinbrenner field are a little too far away, so I missed minor league baseball, however we will be returning to Louisville Kentucky for the Reading next year and I'm looking forward to seeing the Bats play at Slugger Field again in 2019....

Enjoy the archives until I get back, everybody!

Line-by-Line Fun with Root Insurance

"Do you think your car insurance rate is fair?"

I don't have a car, so I don't have car insurance.  I pay nothing for the car I don't have, which I think is completely fair.

"See, here's how car insurance traditionally works.  Your premiums go into a pool of money that covers expenses when you get into an accident."

Yes, just like your heath insurance premiums cover expenses when you get sick.  Waiting to see what the problem is here.

"Here's the flaw in that system.  Those premiums cover the accidents for ALL insured drivers."

Just like my health care premiums are used to cover health care for ALL other customers of my health insurance.  Still don't see the problem- unless you are about to argue that a much more "fair" system would be if my premiums went into a bank account and could only be accessed by ME when I needed it?  What if I need more care than that personal account can provide?  Gotta be a catch here.  Let's go on...

"And...not all of them are good drivers..."

Ah, ok.  So Root Insurance is arguing that it's not "fair" that someone else could have an accident and get covered, because that brings my rate up.  Root is also arguing that only "less than good" drivers have accidents and therefore need to access that coverage.  Which is also not "fair."  Is this a joke?  Let's continue...

"Fact is, the worst 30% of drivers cause half the accidents."  Well, that means that the other 70% cause the other half.  Even if I'm in that other 70%, I'm causing accidents, whatever that means.  Are you about to tell me that the secret to Root's low low premiums is that they only cover people who don't get in accidents?  Really?

"We had an idea.  Let's take the worst drivers out of the equation.  That's right, We don't insure them."

That's what I thought.  So you won't offer insurance to 30% of the population you call the "worst drivers."  Just to the other 70% who still cause half the accidents.  The other 30% can go to The General or whatever.

"Which means fewer accidents, which means more money on hand, which means your premiums can shrink too."  That "can" is pretty significant- it's also significant that you tried to cover it up with a stupid graphic of a hand waving "Number One" and graffiti flying about.

"With Root, you're not paying for other drivers accidents, which means you're saving up to 52%..."

how did you come up with a 52% savings?  Why isn't it 99%?  Or 70%.  Did I hear you right?

"Yeah, that's right.  52%. Find out how much you can save- download the App today."

And that's it.  I've already mentioned Root in a previous post, but this part bears repeating- the way this thing works is, you allow Root to monitor your driving habits for a few weeks, and then it gives you a quote based on your monitored driving habits.  The quote is good for 90 days, and you continue to be monitored to determine your next 90-day rate.  I fail to see how this is any different from The General or any other cheap, temporary and barely legal car insurance deal which technically provides coverage but will dump you first chance it gets, except that those other companies don't require you let them be a passenger on every trip.  And if they dump you the first time you have a fender-bender, they don't say so in their ads, like Root basically does- the moment you hit something and are at fault, say goodbye to your low rate because Root only insures GOOD drivers, which you used to be until you made that one mistake.

But hey, again, I don't own a car, so it would seem I don't have a dog in this fight.  Except I think it's inevitable that the Root strategy for selling car insurance will be moving into the health insurance industry in no time, and we'll have BlueCross and Kaiser and MetLife monitoring our donut intake and our visits to 7-11 and we won't even think about it because after all I've Got Nothing To Hide What Do I Care If They Know What I Eat and Drink It's Not Like I Don't Tell Everyone on Facebook Anyway.

Verizon Fios Presents: The Modern Version of Babysitting

So this couple has hired Dustin the Creepy Fios WonderSomething to "babysit" their kids for the evening, and immediately give him the password to their internet connection while warning him that "if" the kids go online (seriously, "if?" Really?  Are they ever NOT online?) his own speeds will be really slow.  Naturally Dustin the Fios Gnome freaks out and wonders why his Employers of the Evening don't invest in much better internet service for his own convenience.

Did I miss something?  I used to babysit.  It involved playing games and telling stories and actually KEEPING AN EYE ON KIDS.  Not just physically being in the same house with the kids while they surfed the web on one device while I used another one- maybe because the last time I babysat, the internet was still over a decade away.  Or maybe because I was being paid to take care of children, not just be nearby in case a fire broke out or because state laws required that an adult be in the home and the parents didn't want to deal with Child Protective Services.

But I guess with the internet sitters don't really have to pay attention to the kids at all anymore- they just have to be in the vicinity for a few hours until Mom and Dad come back home.  But for chrissakes, Dustin, can't you just read a fricking book for a few hours if the internet speeds are slow?  You can't even do the modern version of babysit, which involves no effort, if you can't also be online?  What a jackass.

Candy Crush's Salute to Lowered Expectations

My guess is that the fat doofus sitting next to you can totally relate to the feeling you get when you beat a level on Candy Crush, you pathetic, phone-addicted bag of skin.  It's probably a lot like getting to the next level on Cuphead or finally managing to eat an entire pie in one sitting- you are tempted to call your mom and tell her that you actually accomplished something, but you quickly change your mind and just tell your 4000 Facebook friends instead.

Meanwhile, you're still an overweight, directionless loser finding pleasure in beating a stupid, brain-numbing waste of time game on your bestest electronic friend.  And your significant other doesn't look like he needs more excuses to stay on his lazy fat ass either.  Maybe you both need to go outside and actually DO something that involves burning calories, getting some fresh air, etc?  You might accidentally accomplish something for realsies along the way.  You could give yourself BONUS points if that happens.

Candy Crush?  Oh, don't worry.  It will still be there when you start to feel short of breath and decide that the simple pleasures of a walk or other non-phone-related activity just don't cut it as they lack the instant gratification of bells and whistles and pretty colors, not to mention the image of a cartoon cat on a motorcycle OHMIGOD THAT IS SO EPIC LOL I HAVE TO POST HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS (just check the comments.  That is, if you want to lose your last shred of respect for humanity.)

Sorry to distract you from your zombie phone game, you losers.  Go tackle that next level!  Make yourself proud!

Tasting Room goes after your toughest First World Problem!

Ugh, the White Privilege just DRIPS from this callow one minute flat of pampered dreck, doesn't it?  The "problem" this guy has is finding Just the Right Wine without spending hours and hours going to shops and using trial by error- you know, like pretty much every person who has ever consumed wine has done for eons.  There MUST be a better way!  There are only SO many times I want to take the SUV to Whole Foods per week, and that number is six!

So now you disgusting rich pampered jackasses can get tiny bottles of liquor in the mail to sample in the comfort of your own private palatial estates until you figure out which one is juuuuuuuusssst riiighhht.  Then you can order whole bottles of wine suited exactly to your taste which of course will never ever change, nor will you ever feel the slightest bit adventurous ("adventurous" to these people IS trying a new wine, when it isn't taking the family caravan to the Catskills to walk around for a few minutes filming the kids frolick, or dumping the kids with the nanny and heading off to Sandals for the weekend.)

Have I made it clear how much I hate ads like this which appeal to maybe one-hundredth of one-percent of the people watching because the other 99.99 percent aren't desperately searching for ways to spend their excess money that doesn't involve a charity or college fund?  Burn in hell, Tasting Room.

Toyota Jan Presents: Stuff happening you might need a way to get to

There's stuff that happens during the summer, and having a car can help you get to that stuff.

Here's some of the stuff that happens during the summer- Mother's Day, which you may have thought happened on a Sunday in Spring, but Toyota Jan is here to clear that up for you- is an example of that stuff.  So is Memorial Day which, again, your faulty memory might have tricked you into thinking happened during the Spring, but nope, it's totally a summer thing.

There's also family reunions, but only for black people.  There's the beach and fishing and baseball games and the park if you're white.

There's all this stuff to do, and most of it isn't taking place in your front yard, so here's a vehicle with an internal combustion engine you can use to get you to the area where that stuff is happening.  Go check out your local Toyota dealer to purchase your very own travel machine thing to get you to places where stuff is happening but might be too far away for you to walk.  Do it now, while the prices on these wheeled people boxes is comparatively low, because Summer.