Buick gives me a chance to demonstrate why I don't get invited to baby showers

1.  This woman's only job for the baby shower was to pick up the cake- and she couldn't get the sex of the child right?  Did nobody tell her, or did she hear wrong, or did she not bother to ask?

2.  "You know she's having a boy, right?"  Um, unless she's dropping that cake off at another baby shower before heading to the one you're both going to, she clearly DIDN'T know.  Again, why not?

3.  Is this how it works- when you go to a baby shower and bring a cake and you think that the guest of honor is having a girl, you make sure the cake is pink and has "GIRL" in fake blocks on it?  Why not just blocks of any color which read "HUMAN MAMMAL" or "PERSON?"  Wouldn't that be thinking-outside-the-box clever?  Or at least more clever than pink icing and "GIRL?"

I sure think so.  But I don't go to these things normally.  I'm going to one in a few weeks because my awesome great-nephew will be there and I don't pass up any opportunity to be with that little guy, not even a baby shower.  I'll bring him a set of Hot Wheels, and I'm quite certain he won't care at all what color they are.

Seeking Forgiveness from your Grill, or your Audience?

When the white guy's lounge chair collapses, sending his food sprawling, the immediate reaction of the black guy is to point and laugh.  Because he's an asshole.

The immediate response of YouTube viewers who see this ad is to post how much they love it, because they are assholes who like things they know are supposed to be funny Because Reasons. 

I'm convinced that most viewers have the brains of young house cats who react instantly to shiny objects in the form of cliche'd crap on tv.  Cats react instinctively to laser pointers, dangling string, and mice.  YouTubers react instinctively to people tripping, falling, getting seriously hurt, or just plain being humiliated in a moment of vulnerability. 

So this ad- featuring absolutely nothing more than a guy's chair collapsing causing him to lose his food and then being mocked by another guy ten feet away who actually interrupted his conversation with another human being to do the mocking- is "funny" because.....again, I don't get it.

And I CERTAINLY don't get why this ad is supposed to make me want to buy a grill.  Because it's "forgiving?"  A lounge chair might collapse and force me to get up, clean myself off, and go get some more food.  What can a grill do?  Give me third-degree burns.  How is that "forgiving?"  What does all this even mean?

A 9-year old Black and Decker Commercial....

...is all I've got on a day in which the mercury is expected to hit 95 and feel like closer to 102 which is following two days of much the same and will be followed by two days of much the same before I can fly out of this nightmare and get to Vermont, which is expected to be maybe five degrees cooler.....

.....and I'll be at the Baltimore Orioles game today.....pretty sure I'll be in the shade, but still.....

But anyway, nine years ago Black and Decker made this commercial about two zombies and their dog.  Seriously, this couple died ages ago- who has been feeding that perfectly-groomed Toy You Have To Clean Up After?  Certainly not these people, who act as if getting off that couch requires a call to hospice services.

The joke is that the dust is so deep under that couch that it turns the perfectly white dog black- never mind that the rest of the house is flawlessly, almost obnoxiously clean.  Why couldn't the ad show these people living in a filthy house?  Oh, because even nine years ago, ad companies simply didn't do that.  Back then, as now, everyone on television lives in a gleaming house.  Even when the point of your ad is to show extreme dust buildup.

Why is the "guy" in this ad wearing that robe?  Sorry, I drifted off again.  It's very hot out. 

So Black and Decker makes a vacuum that can reach under couches, which is a good thing 'cause it's clear these people aren't about to move it two feet so they can vacuum there.  These warm corpses just don't do stuff like that.  Because they are dead.

Ok I'm done.  I have to shower and change and get to that ball game in the steam bath which is currently my world.  Stay cool and safe and check pets and elderly people, etc. 

Napoleon Grills is making me hate summer

My favorite YouTube comment associated with this commercial is "this ad gave me cancer."  I'd just suggest a slight amendment to "This ad IS cancer."

Every single one of these Napoleon Grill commercials feature males of my species acting like total dicktards for absolutely no reason except They Are Males In The Suburbs And This Is How They Act We Guess.  If a guy is humiliated, that's worthy of a laugh.  If a guy is hurt, even better.  Now, let's get back to grilling that meat because, well, Remember What We Said About Males in the Suburbs.

How bad are these ads?  So bad, they are going to make summer feel too long.  In other words, they are cancer.  And we aren't even into July yet.  Sigh.

For When the Commicrats come for you....and they will.....

Sometimes, the snark just writes itself. And those are the commercials I live for.

This ad is allegedly for cheap-quality non-Blublocker sunglasses called "Special Ops" (I guess.  I'm not watching this more than a few times.)  It's actually a parody for every product peddled by phony weekend warriors and pitched to paranoid survivalists who have already maxed out on Glenn Beck's Emergency Food and guns....right?

I mean, this can't be real.  Kris "Tanto" Paranto (whose nickname is known only to himself) can NOT be serious with his schtick, can he?  All that "matter of life and death" to "know your surroundings" while crawling through the desert or a swamp....that's either a joke or an Alex Jones wet dream, take your pick.

Anyway, these amazing sunglasses are just what you need to spot the enemy- Obama or Hillary, specificially- before they get close enough to make a grab for your Bible or your gun.  So they are an absolutely essential addition to any Patriotic, Freedom- Loving American who wants to do his part to Make America Great Again.

Or, like I said before, this is a joke.  I'm going with joke.  I have to.  This is the world I need to live in, after all.

Roman.Com's "Funny" Erectile Disfunction Ad....

First, let me point out to all of you who are not regular readers of this blog- and that's pretty much all of you, based on the numbers- that I don't do erectile disfunction ads here.  I mean, I've done like three of them over the course of nearly ten years.  That's three out of more than a thousand posts.  I don't do them.

Second, let me assure you that the only reason I even looked at this ad was because I was searching for a particular Napoleon Grill commercial and found this instead.  I was not looking for an erectile disfunction ad, I was looking for one about these obnoxiously overpriced grills.

But, since I've found this ad and actually watched it, I'll take a moment to snark on it's rank offensiveness anyway.  We've got a white guy and a black guy standing next to a grill while insisting to a disembodied voice that they've got no-- um-- problems.  I'm frankly surprised that no women make an appearance to give an eye-roll to their "if anyone here as an issue, it's the guy standing next to me" defensive stutterings.  I'm not at ALL surprised that one of them spends the entire commercial holding a hot dog impaled on a fork, because that's how Subtle works in these ads.  Which is why I don't do them.

Ok, now back to the great Napoleon Grill Search.  Sorry about that.

Rocket Mortgage continues to hate on women

Here's yet another Rocket Mortgage/Quicken Loans  commercial which is willing to concede that a woman can be extremely smart and successful and even exciting (Megan is a lawyer who totally demolishes the other side AND is on the verge of confirming the existance of Bigfoot?) but when it comes to doing the Maths is basically just a helpless, silly, addled little girl.

Megan has the Sads because for all her brilliance, mortgages are full of percentages and numbers and all those other things that hurt her little Girl Brain.  Law is words and talking and we all know how women can talk the bark off a tree, but when it comes to numbers, well, let's not get silly.  And let's not judge, either- we wouldn't expect a man to be able to diaper a baby without stabbing it or cook a meatloaf without burning down the kitchen, so it would be totally unfair to expect a woman to work out a mortgage schedule.  Everything- and everyone- in their place, as they say.

Fortunately some GUY invented Quicken Loans and since there aren't THAT many numbers on a phone (not that it matters- who has ever met a woman who doesn't know how to use a phone LOL!) Megan can use one to find the perfect mortgage.  After all, it's "simple," and nothing appeals to women more than stuff that's simple. 

Now she just needs to use that phone to find herself a man, because when you think about it, she looks like she's around thirty and no way a female should be worrying her pretty little head about mortgages at her age.