Five Hour Energy: Mother's Little Helper comes in a tiny bottle these days....

You COULD stay hydrated and consume a balanced diet with an emphasis on fruits and veggies and lean proteins.

You COULD re-evaluate your schedule and be realistic about what you can get done in the time you have, taking into account that your body needs adequate rest and that the world's wants and "needs" kind of need to respect that- and will, if you make it....

Or, you could ignore your body and chug a little bottle of caffeine with sweeteners.  You'll get a momentary little energy high that will allow you to be productive for a few more hours, and your body will just have to deal with the fact that you used this artificial junk to cover up it's natural warning signs because you're a Superperson after all and You Don't Have Time to be Tired because look at this work you have to do plus your kids want- sorry, "need" you to be at 100 percent all the time.

So pretend that your body is just like your cellphone- with the right addition it can be recharged super-fast with no ill effects.  Just take a swig of this stuff and get back to work, monkey.  Natural vitamins?  Rest?  You sound like your parents- you know, those people who are still active and healthy into their eighties because they understood that it was ok to take a break now and then.  What dopes, huh?

Mila Kunis sitting alone at a bar. Only in a Jim Beam Commercial.

Yeah, it's an invitation.  It's an advertisement, and all advertisements are invitations to purchase something.

So, woman at a bar, if you take advice from coasters, "accept" the "invitation" to buy a glass of whiskey.  Because your coaster has an ad for Jim Beam on it.  And because Mila Kunis encouraged you to before bleating something about "making history."  I don't think I want to know what kind of "history" this woman can make if she drinks a glass of whiskey, but whatever.

Meanwhile, Mila, I've been tossing coins into fountains for years, and we still aren't married yet.  What the hell is that all about?

Or maybe Arnold's Organic Bread Company exists in Fantasyland?

Ok, so this gorgeous young woman has a big, beautiful house with a big, beautiful kitchen where she loves to make and consume sandwiches made with organic bread- and she walks and trains dogs for a living?

I call BS on all that.  This woman is a classic Trophy Wife.  She trains and walks dogs because she likes doing it and she and the old guy she sold herself to agreed she could do that for a few years before she got busy popping out heirs.  Sorry if that sounds overly cynical, but that's the way it is.  Dog trainers don't make Big House, Big Kitchen, Organic Bread Money.  Not in my universe.

(On subsequent reviewings, it appears that this woman is NOT a dog trainer.  She just has a dog.  And a lawn in the suburbs big enough for a garden.  And time to play with her dog and grow tomatoes in that garden.  So the main point still stands- this woman is a Trophy Wife.)

Buick gives me a chance to demonstrate why I don't get invited to baby showers

1.  This woman's only job for the baby shower was to pick up the cake- and she couldn't get the sex of the child right?  Did nobody tell her, or did she hear wrong, or did she not bother to ask?

2.  "You know she's having a boy, right?"  Um, unless she's dropping that cake off at another baby shower before heading to the one you're both going to, she clearly DIDN'T know.  Again, why not?

3.  Is this how it works- when you go to a baby shower and bring a cake and you think that the guest of honor is having a girl, you make sure the cake is pink and has "GIRL" in fake blocks on it?  Why not just blocks of any color which read "HUMAN MAMMAL" or "PERSON?"  Wouldn't that be thinking-outside-the-box clever?  Or at least more clever than pink icing and "GIRL?"

I sure think so.  But I don't go to these things normally.  I'm going to one in a few weeks because my awesome great-nephew will be there and I don't pass up any opportunity to be with that little guy, not even a baby shower.  I'll bring him a set of Hot Wheels, and I'm quite certain he won't care at all what color they are.

Seeking Forgiveness from your Grill, or your Audience?

When the white guy's lounge chair collapses, sending his food sprawling, the immediate reaction of the black guy is to point and laugh.  Because he's an asshole.

The immediate response of YouTube viewers who see this ad is to post how much they love it, because they are assholes who like things they know are supposed to be funny Because Reasons. 

I'm convinced that most viewers have the brains of young house cats who react instantly to shiny objects in the form of cliche'd crap on tv.  Cats react instinctively to laser pointers, dangling string, and mice.  YouTubers react instinctively to people tripping, falling, getting seriously hurt, or just plain being humiliated in a moment of vulnerability. 

So this ad- featuring absolutely nothing more than a guy's chair collapsing causing him to lose his food and then being mocked by another guy ten feet away who actually interrupted his conversation with another human being to do the mocking- is "funny" because.....again, I don't get it.

And I CERTAINLY don't get why this ad is supposed to make me want to buy a grill.  Because it's "forgiving?"  A lounge chair might collapse and force me to get up, clean myself off, and go get some more food.  What can a grill do?  Give me third-degree burns.  How is that "forgiving?"  What does all this even mean?

A 9-year old Black and Decker Commercial....

...is all I've got on a day in which the mercury is expected to hit 95 and feel like closer to 102 which is following two days of much the same and will be followed by two days of much the same before I can fly out of this nightmare and get to Vermont, which is expected to be maybe five degrees cooler.....

.....and I'll be at the Baltimore Orioles game today.....pretty sure I'll be in the shade, but still.....

But anyway, nine years ago Black and Decker made this commercial about two zombies and their dog.  Seriously, this couple died ages ago- who has been feeding that perfectly-groomed Toy You Have To Clean Up After?  Certainly not these people, who act as if getting off that couch requires a call to hospice services.

The joke is that the dust is so deep under that couch that it turns the perfectly white dog black- never mind that the rest of the house is flawlessly, almost obnoxiously clean.  Why couldn't the ad show these people living in a filthy house?  Oh, because even nine years ago, ad companies simply didn't do that.  Back then, as now, everyone on television lives in a gleaming house.  Even when the point of your ad is to show extreme dust buildup.

Why is the "guy" in this ad wearing that robe?  Sorry, I drifted off again.  It's very hot out. 

So Black and Decker makes a vacuum that can reach under couches, which is a good thing 'cause it's clear these people aren't about to move it two feet so they can vacuum there.  These warm corpses just don't do stuff like that.  Because they are dead.

Ok I'm done.  I have to shower and change and get to that ball game in the steam bath which is currently my world.  Stay cool and safe and check pets and elderly people, etc. 

Napoleon Grills is making me hate summer

My favorite YouTube comment associated with this commercial is "this ad gave me cancer."  I'd just suggest a slight amendment to "This ad IS cancer."

Every single one of these Napoleon Grill commercials feature males of my species acting like total dicktards for absolutely no reason except They Are Males In The Suburbs And This Is How They Act We Guess.  If a guy is humiliated, that's worthy of a laugh.  If a guy is hurt, even better.  Now, let's get back to grilling that meat because, well, Remember What We Said About Males in the Suburbs.

How bad are these ads?  So bad, they are going to make summer feel too long.  In other words, they are cancer.  And we aren't even into July yet.  Sigh.