Oh come down off your cross already!

So I guess everyone this woman knows is sick of her ignoring her nasty red rash which causes her to scratch, or maybe a little sick of her "it's a horrible skin disease that I insist on showing the world by wearing strapless dresses and scratching constantly but just ignore it it's ok" martyr bit.  So one of her friends responds to her "I'm suffering it's ok" drama queen act by whipping out a tablet and showing her a conveniently downloaded ad for Eczema Exposed, or something.

Clearly the friend has more than had enough of the whiny Not Suffering in Silence idiot who thinks that it's perfectly ok to suffer from ugly red itchy skin- and maybe even preferable to actually dealing with it if you can constantly blather about it to everyone you talk to.  She's got her tablet and she's letting the idiot know that there are these things called "doctors" who can offer other things called "treatments" so maybe she should get her tired butt and her played-to-death illness down to the nearest heath care facility and check it out.

Or stop fishing for sympathy like an overgrown baby.  Either way, the friend has put her foot down.  She- and everyone else this woman knows- is done with this nonsense.

BMW + Mission Impossible = Two Sad Trends

1.  Remember when the first time you learned about a new action movie coming out WASN'T when you saw it being used to sell some unrelated product on tv?  I can't, either.  A few years back, I first learned that The Lorax was going to be totally updated and bastardized through a Denny's ad.  More recently, I learned that the Jurrasic Park franchise was going through a reboot through a Dairy Queen commercial.  Are these movies made JUST to provide cross-promotion?

2.  Check out the comments under this ad, if you dare.  The level of brown-nosing is almost impressive.  These guys are literally having orgasms over a car they know nothing about, will never own- hell, will probably never even test-drive.  Why?  Because you can actually pick up a little money squealing like a pig on YouTube comment sections, and shame went extinct decades ago.

Five Hour Energy: Mother's Little Helper comes in a tiny bottle these days....

You COULD stay hydrated and consume a balanced diet with an emphasis on fruits and veggies and lean proteins.

You COULD re-evaluate your schedule and be realistic about what you can get done in the time you have, taking into account that your body needs adequate rest and that the world's wants and "needs" kind of need to respect that- and will, if you make it....

Or, you could ignore your body and chug a little bottle of caffeine with sweeteners.  You'll get a momentary little energy high that will allow you to be productive for a few more hours, and your body will just have to deal with the fact that you used this artificial junk to cover up it's natural warning signs because you're a Superperson after all and You Don't Have Time to be Tired because look at this work you have to do plus your kids want- sorry, "need" you to be at 100 percent all the time.

So pretend that your body is just like your cellphone- with the right addition it can be recharged super-fast with no ill effects.  Just take a swig of this stuff and get back to work, monkey.  Natural vitamins?  Rest?  You sound like your parents- you know, those people who are still active and healthy into their eighties because they understood that it was ok to take a break now and then.  What dopes, huh?

Mila Kunis sitting alone at a bar. Only in a Jim Beam Commercial.

Yeah, it's an invitation.  It's an advertisement, and all advertisements are invitations to purchase something.

So, woman at a bar, if you take advice from coasters, "accept" the "invitation" to buy a glass of whiskey.  Because your coaster has an ad for Jim Beam on it.  And because Mila Kunis encouraged you to before bleating something about "making history."  I don't think I want to know what kind of "history" this woman can make if she drinks a glass of whiskey, but whatever.

Meanwhile, Mila, I've been tossing coins into fountains for years, and we still aren't married yet.  What the hell is that all about?

Or maybe Arnold's Organic Bread Company exists in Fantasyland?

Ok, so this gorgeous young woman has a big, beautiful house with a big, beautiful kitchen where she loves to make and consume sandwiches made with organic bread- and she walks and trains dogs for a living?

I call BS on all that.  This woman is a classic Trophy Wife.  She trains and walks dogs because she likes doing it and she and the old guy she sold herself to agreed she could do that for a few years before she got busy popping out heirs.  Sorry if that sounds overly cynical, but that's the way it is.  Dog trainers don't make Big House, Big Kitchen, Organic Bread Money.  Not in my universe.

(On subsequent reviewings, it appears that this woman is NOT a dog trainer.  She just has a dog.  And a lawn in the suburbs big enough for a garden.  And time to play with her dog and grow tomatoes in that garden.  So the main point still stands- this woman is a Trophy Wife.)

Buick gives me a chance to demonstrate why I don't get invited to baby showers

1.  This woman's only job for the baby shower was to pick up the cake- and she couldn't get the sex of the child right?  Did nobody tell her, or did she hear wrong, or did she not bother to ask?

2.  "You know she's having a boy, right?"  Um, unless she's dropping that cake off at another baby shower before heading to the one you're both going to, she clearly DIDN'T know.  Again, why not?

3.  Is this how it works- when you go to a baby shower and bring a cake and you think that the guest of honor is having a girl, you make sure the cake is pink and has "GIRL" in fake blocks on it?  Why not just blocks of any color which read "HUMAN MAMMAL" or "PERSON?"  Wouldn't that be thinking-outside-the-box clever?  Or at least more clever than pink icing and "GIRL?"

I sure think so.  But I don't go to these things normally.  I'm going to one in a few weeks because my awesome great-nephew will be there and I don't pass up any opportunity to be with that little guy, not even a baby shower.  I'll bring him a set of Hot Wheels, and I'm quite certain he won't care at all what color they are.

Seeking Forgiveness from your Grill, or your Audience?

When the white guy's lounge chair collapses, sending his food sprawling, the immediate reaction of the black guy is to point and laugh.  Because he's an asshole.

The immediate response of YouTube viewers who see this ad is to post how much they love it, because they are assholes who like things they know are supposed to be funny Because Reasons. 

I'm convinced that most viewers have the brains of young house cats who react instantly to shiny objects in the form of cliche'd crap on tv.  Cats react instinctively to laser pointers, dangling string, and mice.  YouTubers react instinctively to people tripping, falling, getting seriously hurt, or just plain being humiliated in a moment of vulnerability. 

So this ad- featuring absolutely nothing more than a guy's chair collapsing causing him to lose his food and then being mocked by another guy ten feet away who actually interrupted his conversation with another human being to do the mocking- is "funny" because.....again, I don't get it.

And I CERTAINLY don't get why this ad is supposed to make me want to buy a grill.  Because it's "forgiving?"  A lounge chair might collapse and force me to get up, clean myself off, and go get some more food.  What can a grill do?  Give me third-degree burns.  How is that "forgiving?"  What does all this even mean?