A Perfectly Revolting Corona Commercial

I wish I could tell you how glad I am that these perfect people gathered around a perfect house* in a perfect setting had the ingenuity to keep their evening perfect even the universe went off kilter and a candle went out (how on Earth did that happen to these perfect people?)

I can't tell you how pleased I am that one of these perfect people thought to turn on his phone and then put a bottle of beer on it to simulate a candle, attracting the appreciative smiles of his pretty, perfect friends.  Because it makes so much more sense to use that lithium battery than to, oh, I don't know, light a match or better yet just let it be slightly darker at your table .

I can't tell you any of that because I'm too busy wishing that a truck-sized meteorite would crash into that house and vaporize everything within 100 square meters.  Leaving a perfect crater, of course.

*which appears to be completely empty, yet has enough lights on to be seen from space.  Sucking the life out of the electrical grid.  Using a phone powered by a lithium battery instead of lighting a match.  These people are really working hard at being part of the problem, aren't they?

iPhone X demonstrates that being "powerful' isn't what it used to be

In 2018, according to our Lords and Masters over at Apple, the way to "Unleash a more powerful you" (and simultaneously attempt to rationalize that stupid decision to ignore the student loan bills and just go ahead What The Hell You Only Live Once and drop a thousand bucks on a stupid phone) is to get the iPhone X (guaranteed to be at least 1.5 % better than the last iPhone released two weeks ago.)

The only way this commercial could possibly end on a high note would be if this creep zombie who seems convinced that he is becoming more "powerful" by wandering through life playing with his ridiculously expensive little toy instead of, oh, I don't know, actually accomplishing something worthwhile stepped in front of a bus and made a big steaming mess in the middle of the street.  That would provide work for a sanitation crew and food for crows and bacteria, finally making this little nub's existence meaningful, if only for a very brief moment. 

At his virtual funeral, his online "friends," who never met him in "real" life, can wax poetic about how "powerful" he was whenever they challenged him to play whatever pointless game this guy was spending the final moments of his "life" staring at just before the bus sent the walking sack of meat into the next world.  Good times.

Pawn Shop Commercials are bittersweet comedy gold

I totally understand when "life throws you a curve" in the form of a major repair on a car with inadequate insurance, or a layoff/firing, or sudden medical expense.  Yes, Things Happen that people living in a country where wages have been stagnant for fifty years might not be able to handle without parting with stuff at the local pawn shop.  It's very sad but I'm not going to criticize people for using pawn shops- after all, they aren't QuickCash or Car Title or Money Store loansharks, and at least in this commercial they aren't being used for frivilous purchases like concert tickets or a vacation that, if they were honest with themselves, the people in the ads would admit they simply can't afford.

But I do have to say- if your examples of "life throwing you a curve" include needing to buy your son a new baseball glove or keeping your car filled with gasoline, you've got serious problems a pawn shop is not going to solve.  You don't have enough money, and you are going to run out of stuff to pawn to fill that gap between revenue and expenses sooner or later.

You need help to find your way out of your downward-spiral lifestyle, not a friendly place down the street willing to help you slowly empty your house as you pretend you are getting by.  Needing to buy gas is not an unexpected, unplanned-for expense you couldn't anticipate, for chrissakes.  What were you thinking when you bought that car?  "Sure I can't afford gasoline, but I can sell my belongings to pay for that.  I'm gold."

Good luck with your problems, People in this Ad.  Right now, you're going nowhere fast- unless it's the nearest pawnbroker with your kid's practically-new baseball glove because today you've got to buy milk and who could have seen THAT coming?

Hampton Beach: Not the Bahamas. Never claimed to be.

Here's where I'll be- for the 20th year in a row- the first week of August, so I won't be posting again until next Sunday.  Love Hampton Beach while totally agreeing with some of the criticism here- Hampton is not Sandals, it's not the Outer Banks, it's not even Rehobeth.  It's a beach with a tacky boardwalk full of ice-cream, fried dough, cheap pizza and hot dog hole-in-the-wall feeding places, an arcade filled with mostly 80s video games, and $20-per-day parking lots servicing the people who can't afford to rent one of the hundreds of tiny, air conditioning-less houses within walking distance of the sand.

What it is is an affordable vacation for Middle Class and Lower Middle Class families which includes free entertainment (Movies on the Beach Night, Bands on the beach every night) and a big stretch of sand which is usually not super-crowded even on the steamiest days.  Which is good enough for the kind of people who have to save up for a vacation throughout the year but don't want to go into debt for it.

See you in a week!  Enjoy the archives!

Coors Light's "Restless" ad presents an alternate universe

Sure is fun watching the backsides of white people as they move relentlessly- oh, sorry, "restlessly" forward in their steely determination to Do Stuff and Then Drink Beer, isn't it?

Yep, it doesn't get tiring at all seeing several people from the same angle as they move forward by foot, by ship, and by jumping into unfamiliar bodies of water despite it being apparently 40 degrees or so in most of these scenes.  Seriously, did something get lost in translation here?  Are these people actually hiking through winter landscapes just to end up swimming around quarry holes before getting on ferries, stopping along the way to pop open a Coors Light (and perhaps discuss why the producer of this ad couldn't decide what time of year all of this is supposed to be taking place in?)

Anyway, it sure must be nice to be able to slap on a winter hat, toss on a light backpack, and then take a hike through the mountains that ends with Coors Light appearing out of nowhere (along with that suddden warm spell.)  After the swim it's right back to Winter as we take that ferry to Wherever As Long as People Keep Looking at My Back and there's Beer There.

I don't get beer commercials at all, and I don't understand why since they've been exactly the same for decades- "if you're young and adventurous (let's just say 'restless') this is the beer for you."  Just a mental block for me, I guess.

Range Rover Velar demands that we Respect Our Betters

..because I watch baseball games, and apparently somewhere in the audience for baseball games are people who live in gated mansions guarded by Siberian Huskies or White German Shepards or whatever the hell breed of dogs these are (the idiots at YouTube are arguing about it.  No kidding.  Check it out.  Next to desperately "needing" to know the "song" - I think they mean "music," as I don't hear any lyrics- they really, really want to argue about what kind of dogs these are.

Personally, I'm more interested in why I this commercial would make me want to drop 85,000 dollars (no kidding, that's the retail) on a fricking LookAtMeMobile.  Apparently, it's to earn the "respect" of the Perfect White Dogs who guard my f--ng palace.  What were those things going to do if the guy showed up in a mere Audi?  Eat it?

Clearly the message is that when you drive one of these Douchenozzle Delivery Systems, you command "respect."  The respect you think you deserve but apparently don't get enough of despite the ridiculous house guarded by ridiculous dogs.  Respect is all about having an extra $85 Gs hanging around, I guess.

This ad makes those Lexus December to Remember commercials look almost quaint, dont they?

Taco Bell and the Nacho Revolution against brain cells

I get that this is all about Taco Bell kind of snarking on the Hollywood Summer Blockbuster season with this overproduced, self-congratulatory pile of dreck disguised as a commercial for seasoned french fries, but....

All I could really think when watching it was this:  Only in America could a fast-"food" restaurant specializing in cheap, greasy crap find an audience for a fake "movie trailer" focusing on strips of potatoes bathed in hot oil, sprinkled with spices and served up with "Mexican Sauce" (Seriously, what the hell is that anyway?)  And get mouth-breathing losers singing it's praises on YouTube.  Man, are we stupid or WHAT?