Ancestry.com: Yes, I know who I really am, and the answer is "better than this."

"Do you know who you really are?"

Well, I could be super-philosophical here and reply that life is just a journey we all take to discover who we really are- and the answer is the combined thoughts, feelings, and experiences of each individual lifetime.  The sum of our lives arrives at the very end, when we add up all those thoughts, feelings, and experiences.  It's left to others to evaluate who we were and what our lives really meant.  Ok?

Oh, I guess not Ok.  Because all of these obsessive "Who Am I" celebrations of DNA-tracking and navel-gazing want us to focus not on who we are, but on who our ancestors were.  What does this have to do with who we are?  Oh, you see, you are who they were.  Which means- you aren't really anyone.  Just the product of people who came before.  THEY were someone.  Yay them.

So we have these teary-eyed jackasses with way too much time on their hands and money burning holes in their pockets discovering that they share DNA with people they didn't think they liked- one guy habors prejudice against Germans, then discovers that he's part German, so wow there's an eye-opener now he has to go out and find some other group to hate (maybe My Heritage DNA or Ancestry.com can help him with that.  I'm sure they can.)

And at the end of all this unbelievably sad self-absorption the idea that we are what we do is totally lost to the much easier (it only takes a vial of spit and a credit card) theory that we're just a bag of chemicals handed off to us by our ancestors.  And now that we know exactly what percentage Lithuanian we are, we can sit down, have a wistful, satisfied little cry over it, and find something on television to distract ourselves from the notion that we still haven't added one thing to our own legacies because we've been too busy trying to reduce the meaning of our lives down to the cellular level. 

My Heritage DNA celebrates Racism by pretending to oppose it

"I don't know about you, but when I'm filling out forms, I never know which race to check."

I leave it blank.  I mean, it's not even required to get a passport these days. 

"People tell me it's obvious- you're black."  The "people" who are saying this to you are probably just sick to death or your stupid obsession with race and don't want to hear about mystified you are by the question anymore. 

"Well, I just my Heritage DNA results back" (proving my point that you're obsessed with race- you just NEEDED to know what "race" you "belong" to, even though you could have just left that part on every form blank, because you've decided that your "race" defines who you are.  Not sure why this is anyone's problem but yours, but...)

"And it shows me that actually, I'm 72% West African, 14% British, 7% West European, 3% East European and 3% Finnish..." I thought we were talking about race.  I'm not aware that any of those categories is a race.  Are you telling me that you think that "British" is a race?

"Now you tell me, which race box do I pick?"  I told you already what I do- I leave it blank. 

"And if I pick that one, do the others get dismissed?"  See, I didn't fall into your stupid trap.  I didn't suggest you pick one.  I suggested you leave it blank. 

"See, who we are is more complex than the one that society gave us..." So society gave you a label?  Then why are you struggling with this?  Oh right, because you like to complain about stuff that doesn't mean anything to people who aren't completely self-obsessed douchenozzles.

This guy then goes into a rant about how we must never judge a book by it's cover or people by the color of their skin which I guess is a good point but doesn't go very far in selling this Heritage DNA product because after all if where our ancestors come from doesn't matter, if we should be judged by who we are as indivuals, why the f--k do I give a damn what percentage Norwegian I am? 

The last twenty seconds of this ad is just this guy preaching about interconnectivity and each individual being a beautiful tapestry of colors etc. etc. etc., and it's nice but also banal and nothing we haven't heard a million times before from better speakers who weren't shilling for a company that WANTS you to be obsessive about your bloodline.  This guy's pitch is just about the most shameless hypocricy I've seen on tv- Stop focusing on race, go out and find how much of each race is in you by sending us a vial of spit.  We'll settle your identity "problem" by telling you straight out how black, white, Romanian, Jewish, Protestant, Zorastrian, Brazilian and Transalpine Gaul you are because those are all races and you need to know so you won't be pigeonholed by some form that isn't actually requiring you to make a choice.

My original suggestion- leave the damn box blank- works just as well, but only if you aren't a race-obsessed idiot who thinks that DNA is Destiny.  This guy doesn't qualify, which is why he responds to an optional question on a form by going on a quest to find Who He Is based on where people related to him used to live. 

"Washington DC Metro" and "Hacks:" the jokes write themselves

What I don't need to know:  "This is a Series 7000 train."  I don't know why you think that matters to me.  I don't care.  And if, for some reason, I needed to know this, it was covered at the last stop.  I don't know why you feel the need to tell me at every. freaking. stop.

I don't even know what a Series 7000 train is or why it's different from whatever series another train is.  Seriously, is there going to be a quiz?  Why do you keep telling me this?

What I do need to know:  Why the six elevators at Forest Glen station are always on the same floor at the same time.  So when I'm on the Metro level all six are apparently on the exit level.  So I'm standing there waiting for an elevator and when one comes, they all do.  Who thinks this makes sense?

And speaking of the elevators, why are the doors timed to stop closing the MOMENT the last person gets off and BEFORE anyone can get on?  I've figured out that if I am more than ten feet from an elevator that is discharging passengers there is zero reason to walk faster to catch that elevator before the doors close, because sorry, not going to make it.  I MUST wait for the next elevator which will come, eventually, along with all the others, at the same time.  Bizarre.

What I don't need to know:  "The Escalator at Dunn Loring is out of order."  I don't need to know this while I'm waiting for the train at Takoma.  It's not even the same freaking line.  Why does Metro insist on letting everyone on every train platform know every little thing that's going on anywhere in the system?

What I don't need to know:  That the train is delayed.

What I do need to know:  When the next train is coming.

What I don't need to know:  That because certain Metro stations will be closed next week in the Rentless Drive to get Back2Good, I should "consider alternative travel arrangements."

What I do need to know:  How often buses will be running between the Metro stations.  Because like a lot of people who use Metro I don't have an "alternative."

What I don't need from Metro:  Enhanced WiFi and commercials for the Back2Good metro system playing on the (Series 7000?) metro cars.

What I do need from Metro:  For you jokers to get "Back2Good" (how about something approaching reliable service?) no less than five years behind schedule.  Is that too much to ask?

NFL Sunday Ticket to Nowhere

Two kids in the suburbs are doing that retro suburban thing, selling lemonade.  They've got the adorable handmade sign and the pitcher of lemonade and they are ready to spend some quality time with eachother, outside, on a beautiful Sunday afternoon.

Nope.  That's not going to happen.  Because Mom, who was still in bed from an evening of heavy drinking after yet another disasterous Match.com hookup, has finally risen, showered, and noticed that it's 12:30* and the pregame show for the Raiders/Cowboys is seconds away from starting.

Mom's super-lonely and can't bear the thought of watching a game by herself while her kids are outside doing non-football stuff, so she runs out and sells their entire lemonade supply to their first customer, pouring it into some weird novelty plastic cup that came out of nowhere to provide the punchline for the commercial (seriously, what the heck is that?  It's even too big to be available at 7-11 for $1.49.)

And then we see Mom and the two kids having a great time cheering on either the Raiders or the Cowboys from the couch.  Yeah, this is MUCH better than being outside on a beautiful day- but still not as good as watching the game at Hooter's, where you can get a basket of buffalo wings and don't have to settle for popcorn.

*Assuming that these people are rooting for the local team, this suburb is in either the Oakland or Dallas metro areas.  Either way, 12:30 local time works for the pregame show of a game starting at 4:05 EST.  It could be a three or four PM local time start, too, but that would mean mom was so blasted from the night before that she didn't get up until mid-afternoon, and those kids have been outside all day without selling any lemonade.  I don't know, I can't figure out anything that's not on the Eastern Seaboard.

Good luck next Saturday night, Mom.

More Future of Awesome with Xfinity

I get that this is supposed to be showing how effortless and seamless moving with your Xfinity connection can be, and that's the reason this "family" remains on the couch staring at their electronic addiction delivery systems throughout the entire ad. 

The problem I have with it is that all ads for Xfinity, other cable systems, cellphones, etc are exactly like this- everyone in the "family" is just engrossed in watching something on a flat screen while a narrator is waxing poetic about "connectivity" while ocassionally throwing in a line about bringing families closer, etc.  I don't get how anyone could equate people enjoying their personal electronic cocoons with doing things "together" and "staying connected."  There's really no reason why these people are sitting on the same couch or are even in the same room- since the whole point is that everyone gets to do whatever they want with those devices any time they want, why not just show them in different rooms, or even in different places outside the house?

Oh right, I keep forgetting- because Xfinity, etc. doesn't want to give anyone the notion that all this "connectivity" actually creates distance between "family" members.  Nope, check out how happy mom and dad and sister and brother are as they "share" "quality time" "together."  They are having fun "together," see?  This is really pro-family!  Really!  This is keeping them closer!  Honest!

I do wish this ad were five seconds longer, so we could see how much enthusiasm the kids had for the "house decorating shows" Dad asked his Best Friend to start streaming.  I think that might have brought an end to all this physical togetherness.  The next scene would likely feature Brother playing a video game in his room while Sister chatted with non-family acquaintances in hers, Mom watching a movie on her phone while Dad found himself alone with his Home Decoration Show.  All with big zombie smiles on their faces because Yay Xfinity and Yay Togetherness.

Steve Cutts hold up a mirror. Are we willing to look into it?

We need someone to spend whatever it takes to show this as a Superbowl Commercial.  People need to see this.

Of course, even if we could raise the money to air it, it would not get aired- because it would certainly outrage the sensibilities of the drug dealers (cell phone companies) who are perfectly free to spend hundreds of millions on ads encouraging us to feed our addiction to the Glowing Box In Our Hands- and to become more and more isolated from society, more and more lonely, and more and more dependent on those phones to feel "connected."

I'm doing my part by sharing it on this site.  Please, pass it on.

League of Legends in their Own Mind

So a couple of couch potato dweebs are playing a video game and are really turned on by the awesome virtual weapons they can pretend to branish as they pretend to conquer something while sitting on their asses in their mom's basement.

Including in their pathetic fantasy world is the ocassional appearance of a Female of the Human Species, who is there to drop some suggestive reference to a "slumber party" which is hot enough to convince males that this game is almost like actually going out and meeting people- including scary girls- while also being nowhere near as threatening and dangerous as actually....going out and meeting people, including scary girls.

The ad for this game ends with one of the males (I am not going to call them men) yelling "We're Gonna Win!" Well, yeah, it's a game, so someone's going to win-- the game.  Life?  Well, you aren't going to win at that until you're willing to put down the game controller, get off that couch, and go the f--k outside and interact with your fellow humans.  I suggest you take it slow, and start by bringing a phone with you to stare at.  Eye contact is not for beginners.  Baby steps.