The New Pizza Hut Steroids and Cocaine Pizza?

1.  Why would any parent be proud of a kid behaving like an obnoxious nutcase in response to something her team did on the television?  Seriously, this girl looks like she's experiencing a severe case of 'roid rage.  It's not funny, it's not entertaining, and it sure as heck doesn't make me hungry for craptacular bland pizza.

2.  What year was this commercial filmed in?  Because, sorry, the Pittsburgh Steelers have done absolutely nothing this season to make this little girl react with anything but shame at the embarrassment that is her 0-1-1 football team.  So what's she responding to?  The blocked field goal that allowed the Steelers to avoid losing outright to the Cleveland Browns in week one? Or is it the comeback that allowed them to lose by only six to the Chiefs?  Either way, it doesn't take much to make this girl go bezerk, does it? 

My Irony meter just snapped in half

This commercial immediately followed one which warned that smoking is a serious addiction, and told us where we could go to get proper treatment for this health-destroying disease. 

Let me make it even more clear:  I was minding my own business, watching the Yankees-Orioles game on the YES Network, when this ad came on reminding everyone that addiction is a disease that requires real medical treatment and there are many viable treatment options out there for people who want to beat the addiction.  To smoking, I mean.

Then this ad came on. 

Progressive's "Son" Commercial is too real to be funny

"What happened to my son?"  Well, there are two possible answers:

A.  He is using all that crap you bought him because he asked for it and giving him an electronic cocoon is a lot easier than actually being a parent.  So your son, who grew up in a gleaming-white plastic house, has grown up to be an isolated little creep because daddy wanted to be left alone.   Or,

B.  He bought all this stuff with his own money, which he has because he's still living at home despite being financially independent enough to buy thousands of dollars worth of Virtual Life Because the Real Version is Too Hard crap.

Take your pick, jagoff.

Or maybe this is a green card situation, Walmart?

..and if you're extra-quiet and can get to the store really fast, your trophy wife might not notice that you're doing your grocery shopping at freaking Walmart.  I mean, she may be willing to ignore that you're an ugly hairy doofus who is nowhere near good enough for her, but if she picks up on the fact that you're buying groceries from WALMART she might start getting a little suspicious about the existence of that economic stability she sold her youth for.

The Colonel's cure is far, far worse than this family's disease

Not going to comment on the colonel's long arms.  Too obvious, and anyway intentional.

Not going to comment on the fact that it's the WOMAN of the family who "forgot dinner," like it was her responsibility and her's alone.  For the same reason- this is supposed to be all retro and stupid so that is also intentional.

Not going to comment on how sad it is that Jason Alexander has descended to this level.  Gotta pay the bills, I guess. 

Nope, I'm going to save my snark for the fact that the colonel walks in with enough food to poison  feed about forty people for some reason- and even if we are supposed to assume that the family chooses only ONE of these offers, there's still enough calories there to kill provide nutrition for several African villages for chrissakes.

And of course each bucket of steaming fried chicken parts is overflowing.  But I'm not going to snark on that, either.  Because that's always the case in these commercials, and I've done that bit before.

Bounty Paper Towels, Iced Coffee, and a Laptop= Recipe for Horror

A little girl loudly announces her entry into a room which is ridiculously gleaming-white and clean even for television standards, and her father doesn't even flinch.  He's so intent on staring at (daughter? Trophy wife?) that he doesn't move a single muscle as his daughter charges in.  So when she sticks him with her toy sword he is so startled that he drops his coffee on to the (gleaming white, of course) table.

Seriously, great acting job there, buddy.  You couldn't even begin to turn around when you heard your daughter?  You still could have spilled that coffee.  Instead you act like you had NO IDEA she was there, just to set up a really stupid scenerio for a paper towel commercial?

Anyway, the guy throws what looks to be two or three ounces of weak coffee on to the table about three feet away from his DaughterWife's laptop.  It couldn't be more obvious that unless they both stand there yelling "NOOOOOOOO" for maybe five minutes, none of that liquid is actually going to reach the computer.  It's not at all clear that they DON'T intend to stand there for ten minutes screaming about a situation that poses zero danger to the computer, except now the narrator jumps in with "Quick!  Grab a Bounty paper towel!"

Yeah, you'd better catch that spill "quick"- not because it poses the slightest danger to the laptop, but because as long as it's sitting there it creates a really jarring contrast with the otherwise all-white world these weirdos live in.

And then we see that the "mess" the towel picks up is about three teaspoons of coffee.  Wow, good thing you've got super-absorbent towels to to deal with a crisis of that magnitude.  Good thing you don't have to try to rely on a napkin or a sponge, because no way those would be up to the challenge. I mean, there's an ICE CUBE among the carnage. After all, we are told that Bounty is "two times more absorbent than the leading ordinary brand," which is a pretty awkward way of attempting to make a claim.  What brands are included in the "ordinary" category, anyway?

Oh, and if you're on a budget (like nobody on tv commercials) you can buy this Bounty Essentials stuff, which comes with no statistics concerning it's effectiveness but if you can't afford regular Bounty you have no business complaining if it doesn't catch up your spill before it reaches your Rent-A-Center electronics.

More fun with Humira!

(Again, I'm apologizing for the poor quality of a Humira ad.  Sorry-  I don't know why Humira isn't putting official versions of their ads on YouTube, but I am grateful to the people who are recording them and putting them up even if the sound and picture quality is pretty bad.)

So this almost ridiculously diverse band (seriously- there's another woman, a black guy on drums, and an Asian guy.  Please) is deeply concerned because they are all set up at the Annual Oshkosh Pumpkin Fest and their lead singer is once again in the bathroom.  Oh noes, all the thirtysomething white people with terminal bad taste will be so dissapointed if she doesn't show!

Oh, but phew- she DOES show, because she talked to her doctor about her bowel issues and he recommended Humira.  Now she can do what she's being paid to do- wave at the crowd, jump up and down, and (I guess) sing a song now and again.

When the show is over, the hot, sticky band climbs into their RV to look at pictures on their phones of...well, I have no idea what.  Maybe they are reading reviews of their performance?  Checking replies to their resumes from Monster.com?

Then it's off to another gig at an abandoned old theater.  The show is set for 10 PM- so this band has concerts in the middle of the day at county fairs AND at run-down old movie houses at 10 PM.  And the evening gig is "sold out?"  Well, I guess that's not hard when your venue only seats 25 (I mean, come on- it looks like they are playing in someone's living room.)

All of this is in the service of selling us a drug which as near as I can tell helps calm overactive bladders, I guess.