Open letter to Buick: Your commercials aren't working

No matter how much you wish your commercials featuring people bleating "Buick" every few seconds bore any resemblence to reality, they never will.  People simply do not talk like this.  Take some comfort in the fact that nobody says "my Honda," "my Nissan," or "My Chevy" either.  They may say "My Lexus," "My Audi," or "My BMW," but that's because they bought those cars so they could let other people know they own one.  Nobody will ever, EVER feel that way about a Buick.

So you are not going to get people to refer to their Buicks as Buicks.  It will always be "that's my car."  No, THAT'S my car.  No, I meant THAT car over there.  I hope that every time you hear a Buick refered to as a car it stabs you a little bit in the soul, but that's because I'm not very nice.  Plus, I don't think any of you own your souls anymore anyway.

Oh, and that black couple near the end of the commercial- I wonder why you thought this was necessary?

Woman:  "I like that Buick."

Man (looking at billboard:) "Me too,"

Woman: "I meant THIS one."

Stop.  What difference does that make, Woman?  Do you just live to have arguments with this guy?  Could you be just a little more petty?  Turns out the answer is yes, because....

Man:  "I knew that."  (Why did you think this was necessary, Man?)

Woman (sneeringly, with dismissive eyeroll:)  "Did you?"

Ugh, why? Why why WHY?  Man:  Why are you with this nasty woman?  Woman: Why do you search out ways to put this guy down?  You've got him to the point where he's willing to lie about which identical Buick he was referring to rather than admit he made a mistake.  You've reduced him to near-invisibility already.  You need to kick him some more, really?

Oh, and Buick?  Here's how the conversation goes:  "I really like this car."  "Me, too."  "I meant this car."  "So did I."  "Did you?"

Because nobody cares about Buicks.  Just in case I didn't make that clear enough already.

"Dilly Dilly" is Latin for Tasteless

What is the saddest thing about this commercial?

1.  The people in this commercial would rather drink Bud Lite than Mead.  In other words, they'd rather drink watery dreck than actual beer. 

2.  Bud Lite continues this ad campaign, which never featured anything resembling a pitch designed to make you want to drink it's product.  I don't think this is the right answer, because there is no such thing as an effective pitch that could convince me to drink Bud Lite.

3.  The number of people who think that these ads are funny, based on YouTube comments.  This would be really depressing, except for

4. The number of people who are obviously being paid to post witless OMIGOD I LOVE THESE COMMERCIALS dreck on YouTube.  Or, if they can't come up with anything, just posting "Dilly Dilly" or other lines from the commercials.  WTF is with these people?

Take your pick.  This is all very sad. 

Verizon just keeps shoveling this crap at us

1.  Nobody is going to "hold up" because someone who couldn't/wouldn't be at the party isn't quite able to watch the "surprise" moment on her g-d d--d phone.   And I suspect that the woman who expected everyone to just stop acting normally because she wasn't able to stream the party is not going to be invited to many more parties after this one, because seriously Put Your Phone Down you Jagoff.

2.  Nobody is going to go back to "starting positions" for that person, either.  Because the party is for and about the people who are actually in attendence, and the guests at the party are GUESTS, not performing seals for someone who isn't even there.

3.  The next time someone uses the term "game changer" on television, I'm putting a brick through it.  Enough with the "game changer" line.  It's played.  It's done.

4.  Someone please show this loathsome Verizon spokeschoad the door already.  He's as played and done as the term "game changer."

Who needs Soma when you've got AT&T to feed your "thing?"

Maybe being wrapped in an electronic cocoon using a virtual reality device in public like a mentally ill, socially inept, friendless dweeb is your thing.

Maybe hibernating on your couch watching witless, generic action movies filled with explosions and machine guns and interchangeable "actors" doing stuff while your brain atrophies and starts to leak out of your ears is your thing.

Maybe walking into the woods and then staring at a screen because you figure "hey at least I'm outside" and if you go more than a few minutes without getting electronic stimulus pumped into what's left of that brain I mentioned in the last paragraph you'll collapse into a sobbing ball of Absolutely Nothing is your thing.

Whatever your thing is, if it's basically Doing Absolutely Nothing while the minutes of what you laughingly refer to as your "life" tick away, AT&T has the service for you.  If your thing is being a lazy, witless, hollow cretin who simply can't deal with the real world, is terrified of being left alone with your own thoughts, and simply must be entertained All The Freaking Time, AT&T has got the perfect drug to feed your thing.

So here you go.  Enjoy your Thing.  When you look up and notice that another day you'll never get back has passed you by, don't forget to thank AT&T.  They- and so many other Nonstop "Entertainment" companies- made all this possible.  Sucker.

The New Pizza Hut Steroids and Cocaine Pizza?

1.  Why would any parent be proud of a kid behaving like an obnoxious nutcase in response to something her team did on the television?  Seriously, this girl looks like she's experiencing a severe case of 'roid rage.  It's not funny, it's not entertaining, and it sure as heck doesn't make me hungry for craptacular bland pizza.

2.  What year was this commercial filmed in?  Because, sorry, the Pittsburgh Steelers have done absolutely nothing this season to make this little girl react with anything but shame at the embarrassment that is her 0-1-1 football team.  So what's she responding to?  The blocked field goal that allowed the Steelers to avoid losing outright to the Cleveland Browns in week one? Or is it the comeback that allowed them to lose by only six to the Chiefs?  Either way, it doesn't take much to make this girl go bezerk, does it? 

My Irony meter just snapped in half

This commercial immediately followed one which warned that smoking is a serious addiction, and told us where we could go to get proper treatment for this health-destroying disease. 

Let me make it even more clear:  I was minding my own business, watching the Yankees-Orioles game on the YES Network, when this ad came on reminding everyone that addiction is a disease that requires real medical treatment and there are many viable treatment options out there for people who want to beat the addiction.  To smoking, I mean.

Then this ad came on. 

Progressive's "Son" Commercial is too real to be funny

"What happened to my son?"  Well, there are two possible answers:

A.  He is using all that crap you bought him because he asked for it and giving him an electronic cocoon is a lot easier than actually being a parent.  So your son, who grew up in a gleaming-white plastic house, has grown up to be an isolated little creep because daddy wanted to be left alone.   Or,

B.  He bought all this stuff with his own money, which he has because he's still living at home despite being financially independent enough to buy thousands of dollars worth of Virtual Life Because the Real Version is Too Hard crap.

Take your pick, jagoff.