The Vector Robot: Because "None of the Above" is not an option

In a sane world, the punchline of this ad is "stop relying on these stupid 'personal assistant robots,' stop acting like you are totally helpless unless you've got some electronic device in your house that responds to your commands, get your act together and your ass off your couch and stop being a ridiculous pathetic jagoff when it comes to managing your own life."

Because we no longer live in a sane world, it's just about picking the RIGHT command-obeying robot to do your thinking for you and to allow you to be a lazy toddler for your entire life.

I'm not buying in.  Not EVER.  My mother adopted to the internet and cellphones, even though they didn't come around until she was in her early-60s, but that doesn't mean I have to accept that an electronic personal assistant is now a neccessary appliance just because I'm considerably younger than that.  I don't play video games, I don't watch movies on my phone, and I don't need to bleat commands at a robot sitting on my shelf. 

Trophy Wives Unite For Nexplanon!

"When my future husband plucked me from the harsh realities of Real Adult Life shortly after I graduated from High School because he wanted to upgrade from his Inconveniently The Same Age original wife, I was totally on board with the idea that I'd be expected to add to his already-extant family."

"I fulfilled my side of the bargain by producing several children for the old guy who saved me from the Scary Real World and who gave me a new last name and a MRS degree."

"But now I'm done.  I've got the contract right here, and it clearly says that I've done my duty and I've had as many kids as required in exchange for that nice house and financial security."

"That's why there's Nexplanon.  Because he's still going to want to have sex with me for a few more years- until I, like his first wife, start to get a bit stale and no longer have that young-girl glow that he obviously can't live without.  Then I'll get dumped with a financial settlement, just like Wife No. 1.  I totally get that.  So I'm not going to put my body through any more torture than absolutely necessary. An hour a day on the Pelaton bike is enough, believe me!"

"Now if you'll excuse me, I've left Hubby in the same room alone with the babysitter for several minutes now, and that's never a good idea."

Zyrtec's Bizarrely gross "Coffee" ad

Here's one of those truly repulsive, ugly little knobs of an ad that you can't quite believe managed to make it past the quality control board and on to your screen.

One person in this car of amazingly diverse group of women has allergies- so she hi-LARIOUSLY sneezes the whipped cream on her not-coffee all over the windshield- because that's what happens when you're holding something that it topped with whipped cream when you sneeze.  You kind of automatically jam your nose up against the whipped cream so it can spray everywhere.  And then it WILL spray everywhere Because Television.

Her "friends" think that this disgusting moment is epic funny.  They also think that every sneeze must be a symptom of an actual medical condition because they instantly hand their "friend" a bottle of Zyrtec.  Because you can't just sneeze.  You must have a bad cold, or allergies, or something.  Something that can be fixed with powerful drugs.

Anyway, these "friends" won't be "friends" much longer, because apparently they are going to remind the sneezer of That Time She Sneezed Foam All Over The Windshield instead of oh, I don't know, moving her face slightly or covering her mouth or doing any number of Normal things a person would do other than sneeze right into a cup topped with whipped cream.  This woman will be finding another carpool filled with actual human beings and maybe ordering drinks that aren't topped with Magic Flying Foam.  Or at least learning some of those manners she should have picked up before she moved out of her Mom's house for chrissakes.

(BTW, no surprise that the Comment Section is blocked for this ad.  Some commercials are too gross and dumb even for the LOL I LOVE THIS AD squad that haunts YouTube.)

Taco Bell "Movie Jail?"

Never Mind "Movie Jail."  Smuggle that 3000-calorie pile of Taco Bell crud you are "in love with" into the theater, stinking it up for everyone else, and I hope someone rips that hoodie off and shoves it down your selfish taco hole while the rest of the patrons beat you to death with your own sense of entitlement.

Oh yeah, and this is a booking.com commercial which has zero to do with booking rooms.

"Are you filming this?"

The guy sounds like he doesn't want his family to be filming him.  That's his choice, I guess, but don't ask me to understand it.  You are trying something really cool while on vacation- why wouldn't you want it filmed?

"Lookin' good, babe!"

We've established from the look on the guy's face that he would rather not be filmed.  His family doesn't give a damn, probably because while HIS idea of a good time while on vacation is to try cool new things and be active, THEIR idea of a good time is to sit on their asses on the beach with their electronic device hoping that dad makes a fool of himself so they can share it with the world.  Nice family, huh?

The "punchline" is supposed to be that the guy doesn't do whatever the hell he's trying to do perfectly the first time, and LOL it's so funny to see Dad Look StupidTM Let's Share.  As far as I'm concerned, the actual punchline is that a family went on vacation and only one of them even attempted to have fun and had an original experience because the others were too busy sitting around with f--ing electronics which work just as well back in the suburbs and didn't need to be brought to an exotic resort on dad's hard-earned money.  I'm rooting for another punchline- while Mom and Kids are in the hotel room watching different things on their personal electronic devices, Dad hooks up with the smoking-hot lifeguard at the hotel pool.  How's that for water sports?

Oh, and I don't know who Aubrey Plaza is, nor do I care

Remember when commercials for cellphones actually showed people using them- or attempting to use them- when they were away from their homes?  Nowadays you are just as likely to see people in these ads sitting in their own living rooms, in front of big-screen televisions and right next to laptop computers, b----ing and moaning about how slow their streaming is. 

What are you doing, you freaking idiot?  You are with another human being- she's sitting right there.  You've got a tv there, and a computer, so plenty of distraction if you just can't bear the thought of actually having a conversation.  You've got all these options, but you'd rather just f--k around with your phone because that's the one piece of electronics in the room that isn't working absolutely perfectly.

You people are seriously sick. 

Open letter to Buick: Your commercials aren't working

No matter how much you wish your commercials featuring people bleating "Buick" every few seconds bore any resemblence to reality, they never will.  People simply do not talk like this.  Take some comfort in the fact that nobody says "my Honda," "my Nissan," or "My Chevy" either.  They may say "My Lexus," "My Audi," or "My BMW," but that's because they bought those cars so they could let other people know they own one.  Nobody will ever, EVER feel that way about a Buick.

So you are not going to get people to refer to their Buicks as Buicks.  It will always be "that's my car."  No, THAT'S my car.  No, I meant THAT car over there.  I hope that every time you hear a Buick refered to as a car it stabs you a little bit in the soul, but that's because I'm not very nice.  Plus, I don't think any of you own your souls anymore anyway.

Oh, and that black couple near the end of the commercial- I wonder why you thought this was necessary?

Woman:  "I like that Buick."

Man (looking at billboard:) "Me too,"

Woman: "I meant THIS one."

Stop.  What difference does that make, Woman?  Do you just live to have arguments with this guy?  Could you be just a little more petty?  Turns out the answer is yes, because....

Man:  "I knew that."  (Why did you think this was necessary, Man?)

Woman (sneeringly, with dismissive eyeroll:)  "Did you?"

Ugh, why? Why why WHY?  Man:  Why are you with this nasty woman?  Woman: Why do you search out ways to put this guy down?  You've got him to the point where he's willing to lie about which identical Buick he was referring to rather than admit he made a mistake.  You've reduced him to near-invisibility already.  You need to kick him some more, really?

Oh, and Buick?  Here's how the conversation goes:  "I really like this car."  "Me, too."  "I meant this car."  "So did I."  "Did you?"

Because nobody cares about Buicks.  Just in case I didn't make that clear enough already.