There are no Stakes to raise, Subway

I wonder how many times Subway thought we wanted to watch some kid's pathetic YouTube footage of him "accomplishing" the trick of flipping a water bottle so it lands on its cap- the kind of thing I take points off of tests for if my kids do it in class is something to be "celebrated" as an "accomplishment" to Subway, I guess.

The only thing I see being "accomplished" here is another episode in the very, very American series entitled "watch I filmed myself doing something almost unbelievably pointless and without value by any stretch of the imagination and even throw my hands up in triumph when I accomplished this stunningly stupid and pointless thing." 

Since there are no "stakes" here, I can only guess that Subway went with the tagline "Let's Raise the Stakes" in order to make a totally lame pun about Steak in the sandwiches.  Ok, fine- but why not accompany that little bit of punnery with someone actually ACCOMPLISHING SOMETHING- why not show this kid getting first prize in a Science Fair or a 5 on an Advanced Placement Exam or even winning a board game with grandma (in which everyone wins, because time was spent with grandma instead of by yourself with your camera flipping a freaking bottle 2000 times until you "succeeded" in getting it land on it's cap, good lord just kill yourself now ok?)

Oh, right- because that's not at all funny or entertaining.  Never mind that this is pretty much the opposite of funny or entertaining, regardless of what the glue-sniffing morons in the comment section seem to think.  I'm going to avoid Subway out of principle after seeing this ad because man this is stupid- and calling it "stupid" is being really mild.

So I guess we aren't going to explore an interesting relationship in this Jim Beam ad?

1.  Why is this woman even thinking about which whiskey to purchase at the bar?  She was already clued in to the deliciously daring goodness of Jim Beam whiskey in a previous ad.  She seems to have forgotten her previous encounter with Mila Kunis which, I'm sorry, is not at all plausible to me.

2.  Is this woman with the guy standing right next to her?  If so, why is he ordering only for himself?  If not, why is he standing right next to her?  It sure looks like they are together- but (and I know it's been a while since I've been on the dating scene) isn't it still kind of traditional for the guy to order for the woman he's with before asking for his own drink?

3.  Why does Kunis dissapear at the end of this ad?  Is she supposed to be a ghost, or what?

Google's Salute to the World it Made

In this commercial, Google celebrates the Idiocracy it helped create with it's Instant Answers Don't Even Think About It magic machines.  Haha, check out all the idiots who think that Lincoln is Jefferson and Tomatoes are Tangarines, thank goodness they've got their magic box in their chubby hands to do their thinking for them!

And if that isn't enough to make you weep for your generation, just check out the comments.  I dare you. When did quoting a commercial or typing "I LOST IT LOL" become worthy of approval?  And why didn't I just die way before that happened?

So AFLAC never denies claims, right?

Yes, because insurance companies are so anxious to pay off claims that they'll pop up and attempt to shove money into your face if they even THINK you're injured.  Especially AFLAC, whose duck- which stopped being funny about twenty years ago BTW- will practically jump you with a bill full of money if you so much as HINT that you might be in need of financial assistance.  Uh huh.

The only thing more ridiculous than the notion that AFLAC just can't wait to hand you money is the suggestion that this woman actually forgot that she signed up to pay for very, very expensive insurance.  How big is this woman's salary if she didn't even notice those huge chunks of it being handed to AFLAC every freaking payday?

Chubb sells insurance to people much, much better than me

Chubb Commercial # 1- this rich jackass is waxing poetic about the palatial estate that has been in his family for years and years that he loves very much but rarely visits because after all, he's got six other homes to live in.  He has insurance on it from this disgusting company called Chubb (which just SOUNDS like it's insurance to protect the toys of the very wealthy.)

This guy is so impressed that when wildfires broke out around his Ancestorial Estate and other losers were watching their So-Called Homes going up in smoke because they couldn't afford Chubb Insurance, Chubb sent a private firefighting squad to protect the house he owns but doesn't live in.  Doesn't occur to this jackass that maybe Chubb just did the math and figured out that it would be a lot cheaper to protect the house from fire than replace the house if it went up in flames.  Nah, he's too busy thinking how he "didn't ask them" to protect his house.  I wonder if he's irritated because he was hoping to use the Total Loss Settlement to buy property he might actually want and use.  Either way, here's a company that was willing to risk the lives of firefighters to protect some guy's seventh house - firefighters who I'm sure stood by and watched the houses of Not Customers and Therefore Not People reduced to rubble- and this is supposed to be heartwarming (no pun intended.)  Uh huh.



Chubb Commercial # 2- I don't encourage anyone to slog their way through this entire Special Insurance for Special People ad; it's pretty disgusting and if it doesn't make you long for the good old days when pigs like this were being marched off to the National Razor to the cheers of the crowd you are no friend of mine.  Instead, I'll just point out one scene near the end, where a greying man is standing in front of a McMansion talking about how Chubb Insurance protects "everything he owns" while his wife and kid look on appreciatively from the front yard.  That pretty much says it all, doesn't it?

State Farm's Obnoxious "Dream House" Ad leaves me wishing for a bear attack

1.  I knew ten seconds in that these idiots from Safe Diversity Casting INC were Urbanites who got all their "information" about living in the country from old Disney films.  I mean, the woman here imagines that birds are something other than dirty pests and that it would be fun to have a disease-ridden, sharp-toothed-and-clawed rodent hanging around like a dog.

2.  I knew twenty seconds in that I was watching a BS overdose presented to us by State Farm because there's this weird connection attempted between "Savings Accounts" and "Buying a Dream Home."  It sure SOUNDS LIKE we're supposed to get "if you save money with State Farm you'll have money for that Dream Home, because unlike every other bank on the planet we actually pay high dividends on Savings Accounts instead of nothing at all."  What the commercial is REALLY saying is "if you do any business at all with State Farm, you'll have access to financial experts who can guide you to good investments that might- MIGHT- get you the money you need for that Dream House someday."

3.  I knew thirty seconds in that the people who made this ad decided that the only way they could get their point across was to shame urban-dwellers as disgusting losers who live in small, cramped apartments on noisy streets because they are too oafish and stupid to take advantage of the awesome opportunities offered by State Farm.  Nothing to do with stagnant incomes or anything like that.  The nice couple  starring in this commercial, obviously way too good to be living in this nasty apartment better suited for Lesser People, will soon escape this Urban Dystopia for something more suitable to their station in life.  I'm sure they'll wave to sad, uninformed scum as they drive away.

Playstation Continues to Redefine the word "Mature"

MATURE (Adjective) 1.  Complete in natural growth or development. 2.  Ripe, as fruit, or fully aged, as wine or cheese.  2.  Fully developed in body or mind.

Hmmmm....none of these seem to fit Playstation 4's newest version of it's long-running abomination, "Call of Duty," which always involves turning being a soldier into a freaking joke and something you can do from your mommy's couch.  While wearing a hat you can use as a weapon now, I guess.

So can someone please explain to me why these games are rated "mature?"  That word sure as hell doesn't describe anyone who actually plays them.

However, it does come a lot closer to describing the game than it does any of the drooling, semi-literate idiots who responded to this trailer on YouTube.  I weep for my nation when I read some of this crap.