Geico presents the Big Family in the Tiny House joke

I usually wrap with this observation,  but this time I'll get it over with early- every single one of the comments posted under this video (other than my own, of course) is the product of a mentally ill chipmunk or a nickle-per-post loser trying to scrape together enough money to hit the McDonald's Dollar Menu.  You people are SAD.

Ok, on to this commercial:  Sure doesn't take much to get this guy happy, does it?  One last strip of grass on a lawn the size of a postage stamp?  I guess I should be grateful that this fat slob doesn't have a riding mower, but jeesh, buddy.  Not a whole lot going on in your life, is there?

Oh, and you save money with Geico, so you and your weird obese family can afford a few extra take-out pizzas per month, isn't that special.  Maybe you should knock off the junk food and save the money for a new addition on your tiny house which is nowhere big enough for your family of rhinos- seriously, it looks like you guys have to take turns using the living room.  To quote Daffy Duck, that house looks like you guys have to go outside to change your minds.  To paraphrase Mr. Burns, you are the fattest family I've seen in years, and I've been on Safari.

I'm sure that sounds mean, but that's only because it is.  This guy is stupid and gross and that house is comically small and his family is dumb to be so happy in it.  Even if I didn't hate everything already I'd loathe this commercial, but they sure make it easy.

Verizon's ubiquitious scumsucking loser promotes the death of stores

This creepy, greasy Eurotrash jagoff is taking a break from roaming around suburbs and parks jumping people with "information" about Verizon to hang out in a store having a verbal orgasm over the latest overpriced shiny toy that lets you buy things.

Not satisfied to gush over This Month's Must-Have Phone Offer to himself, he decides he's going to strike up a conversation with a Pretty Young Diverse Couple which was just minding it's own business and maybe already talking to an actual employee of the store.  He tells the guy side of the couple that he can find the sneakers he's wearing online.  Because the guy has apparently been living in a box for his entire life, he doesn't believe the claim that one could use a smart phone to shop online, I mean what kind of magic is that?

So greasy Verizon spokeschoad proves him wrong (I guess, we don't really see this, the ad just ends with him mugging for the camera with his stupid extremely punchable face.)  Let's take a moment to sum up the point of this guy's pitch- he's standing in an actual store, telling a customer that this new smartphone makes it super-easy to find and purchase sneakers online.  You just take a picture of sneakers, and "it will tell you where you can buy them."  You can do this in any store- just go to the nearest FootLocker, point your phone at a pair of sneakers on the shelf, and two seconds later you'll be told where you can buy them ONLINE.  Be sure to thank the FootLocker employee for putting the sneakers on display, and if you think about it, apologize for costing him a sale (and, eventually, his job.)

By the same logic, isn't it just as easy to use that smartphone- or any other smartphone, or a laptop, or the bulky desktop computer at the local library- to buy another smartphone?  Isn't this skinny uber-creep just telling us that the Verizon store he's standing in is an endangered species and that all those people working there will be searching for another dead-end, commission-based job in the dwindling brick and mortar economy in the very near future.....thanks, at least partially, to Verizon?

Finally- can someone please just kick this jackass to the curb already?  And then run over him while you're at it?  Please?

There are no Stakes to raise, Subway

I wonder how many times Subway thought we wanted to watch some kid's pathetic YouTube footage of him "accomplishing" the trick of flipping a water bottle so it lands on its cap- the kind of thing I take points off of tests for if my kids do it in class is something to be "celebrated" as an "accomplishment" to Subway, I guess.

The only thing I see being "accomplished" here is another episode in the very, very American series entitled "watch I filmed myself doing something almost unbelievably pointless and without value by any stretch of the imagination and even throw my hands up in triumph when I accomplished this stunningly stupid and pointless thing." 

Since there are no "stakes" here, I can only guess that Subway went with the tagline "Let's Raise the Stakes" in order to make a totally lame pun about Steak in the sandwiches.  Ok, fine- but why not accompany that little bit of punnery with someone actually ACCOMPLISHING SOMETHING- why not show this kid getting first prize in a Science Fair or a 5 on an Advanced Placement Exam or even winning a board game with grandma (in which everyone wins, because time was spent with grandma instead of by yourself with your camera flipping a freaking bottle 2000 times until you "succeeded" in getting it land on it's cap, good lord just kill yourself now ok?)

Oh, right- because that's not at all funny or entertaining.  Never mind that this is pretty much the opposite of funny or entertaining, regardless of what the glue-sniffing morons in the comment section seem to think.  I'm going to avoid Subway out of principle after seeing this ad because man this is stupid- and calling it "stupid" is being really mild.

So I guess we aren't going to explore an interesting relationship in this Jim Beam ad?

1.  Why is this woman even thinking about which whiskey to purchase at the bar?  She was already clued in to the deliciously daring goodness of Jim Beam whiskey in a previous ad.  She seems to have forgotten her previous encounter with Mila Kunis which, I'm sorry, is not at all plausible to me.

2.  Is this woman with the guy standing right next to her?  If so, why is he ordering only for himself?  If not, why is he standing right next to her?  It sure looks like they are together- but (and I know it's been a while since I've been on the dating scene) isn't it still kind of traditional for the guy to order for the woman he's with before asking for his own drink?

3.  Why does Kunis dissapear at the end of this ad?  Is she supposed to be a ghost, or what?

Google's Salute to the World it Made

In this commercial, Google celebrates the Idiocracy it helped create with it's Instant Answers Don't Even Think About It magic machines.  Haha, check out all the idiots who think that Lincoln is Jefferson and Tomatoes are Tangarines, thank goodness they've got their magic box in their chubby hands to do their thinking for them!

And if that isn't enough to make you weep for your generation, just check out the comments.  I dare you. When did quoting a commercial or typing "I LOST IT LOL" become worthy of approval?  And why didn't I just die way before that happened?

So AFLAC never denies claims, right?

Yes, because insurance companies are so anxious to pay off claims that they'll pop up and attempt to shove money into your face if they even THINK you're injured.  Especially AFLAC, whose duck- which stopped being funny about twenty years ago BTW- will practically jump you with a bill full of money if you so much as HINT that you might be in need of financial assistance.  Uh huh.

The only thing more ridiculous than the notion that AFLAC just can't wait to hand you money is the suggestion that this woman actually forgot that she signed up to pay for very, very expensive insurance.  How big is this woman's salary if she didn't even notice those huge chunks of it being handed to AFLAC every freaking payday?

Chubb sells insurance to people much, much better than me

Chubb Commercial # 1- this rich jackass is waxing poetic about the palatial estate that has been in his family for years and years that he loves very much but rarely visits because after all, he's got six other homes to live in.  He has insurance on it from this disgusting company called Chubb (which just SOUNDS like it's insurance to protect the toys of the very wealthy.)

This guy is so impressed that when wildfires broke out around his Ancestorial Estate and other losers were watching their So-Called Homes going up in smoke because they couldn't afford Chubb Insurance, Chubb sent a private firefighting squad to protect the house he owns but doesn't live in.  Doesn't occur to this jackass that maybe Chubb just did the math and figured out that it would be a lot cheaper to protect the house from fire than replace the house if it went up in flames.  Nah, he's too busy thinking how he "didn't ask them" to protect his house.  I wonder if he's irritated because he was hoping to use the Total Loss Settlement to buy property he might actually want and use.  Either way, here's a company that was willing to risk the lives of firefighters to protect some guy's seventh house - firefighters who I'm sure stood by and watched the houses of Not Customers and Therefore Not People reduced to rubble- and this is supposed to be heartwarming (no pun intended.)  Uh huh.



Chubb Commercial # 2- I don't encourage anyone to slog their way through this entire Special Insurance for Special People ad; it's pretty disgusting and if it doesn't make you long for the good old days when pigs like this were being marched off to the National Razor to the cheers of the crowd you are no friend of mine.  Instead, I'll just point out one scene near the end, where a greying man is standing in front of a McMansion talking about how Chubb Insurance protects "everything he owns" while his wife and kid look on appreciatively from the front yard.  That pretty much says it all, doesn't it?