Duracell and Santa Claus: The Annual Mugging Begins

Ugh, we are still weeks away from Thanksgiving and we are already being ssaulted by commercials featuring "Santa Claus" and his reliance on some stupid product?  That's not very promising. When I was a kid, Santa Claus sold razors and Coca-Cola.  Now he sells everything from batteries to luxury automobiles.  And when I was a kid, the commercials whoring out Santa Claus didn't start until we were digging into the turkey sandwiches.  Now we're lucky if they are held in storage until after Halloween.

And oh, by the way, why are the people in this ad using objects that look like they belong in commercials from the 1980s?  Everything here looks clunky and totally retro.  Maybe because this is an ad for batteries that aren't the shape of matchbooks or the size of dimes- you know, the thinks most kids think about when they imagine "batteries" these days?

Oh, and one more thing- how the hell could this woman find the gall to blame Santa Claus for her inability to look up before she walks into the Christmas tree?  I mean, seriously, WTF?  "Oh look, I crashed into the tree and it's all your fault because you used crummy batteries in this plastic piece of crap and I was struggling with it and was totally distracted?"  Would that really fly with anybody?

This Verizon Fios creep brings out the worst in me

1.  So JD Power hands out awards to crappy truck companies AND internet cable systems?  Well, isn't that something.  And it turns out that two people pay attention to JD Power's rankings- the scruffy Eurotrash douchenozzle whose entire acting career involves pretending to keep Real People Not Actors in suspense about the make of the truck he's showing them, and this squishy little creep.

2.  Why is this blob of protoplasm congratulating the installation guy on a reward "won" by his employer?  Why does he think the installation guy gives a flying damn?  What is this kid going to do next- head down to McDonald's and high-five the guy cleaning the windows because McDonald's is the world's largest fast food chain for the 40th year in a row?

3.  If I turned around and saw this smear of molecules standing next to me, I think I'd jump out of my shoes, not respond with a a calm, casual "hey."  Once I got over my morbid curiousity, I might ask him why he's so obsessed with a cable company- seriously, shouldn't this creep be back in his house playing video games?  I mean, it DOES look like a nice day there.  What is he doing outside?

4. "Want me to watch the van?"  What the hell?  It's easy to imagine that this -- umm-- "person" engaged in conversation with the cable guy as a ruse with the ultimate goal of stealing installation equipment to put under his pillow or perhaps hang on the wall of his bedroom to swoon over in private.  This is really getting disturbing, Verizon.  Not as disturbing as that kid, all by himself, but disturbing.

Before it ruins TV, Hulu is out to ruin society

Actually, society was ruined by the stupid electronics that allow us to "enjoy" brain-dead television everywhere quite some time ago, so maybe it does make more sense to argue that Hulu is going to "ruin television."

All I see in this ad are idiots wasting their lives staring at small screens no matter where they are or what they are doing.  Laying on your bed, sitting in a restaurant, actually "socializing" with fellow human life forms, whatever- keep staring at that streaming video, keep consuming this crap and when you get done binging on whatever swill Netflix shoveled into your vacant brain last season, get to "work" binging on the next pointless crap Now Available On Your Electronic Device.

And I'm not going to shed any tears over the final two seconds of this noxious crud, where we see that Hulu will ruin the experience of flying Business Class as loathsome wastes of organs like this wretched woman (I don't care who she is, so don't bother to tell me.  Seriously.  I DON'T CARE) laugh out loud at whatever they are watching without headphones, startling you away from your book or nap or thoughts or conversation with the person next to you.  Because the real message of this ad is identical to pretty much every ad featuring cell phones made over the past ten years or so- the only reason to exist on Earth nowadays is to watch stuff on TV and "share" that experience with the people around you with your reactions to the brain candy you're "enjoying."  That's it.  That's all there is.

I won't be "ruining TV" by getting Hulu-- because TV was ruined forever ago by Netflix and Amazon Prime Video and multiple other Garbage Delivery Systems which allow the zombies to watch it wherever, whenever.  TV isn't a way to unwind after work - it's the Be All and End All for more and more people.  Hulu isn't the problem- it's just part of it.  This commercial is all about Hulu trying to be a BIGGER part of the problem.   What a great goal, Hulu.  If you get there, it will be without me.

Beware of non-Greek morons bearing slop disguised as Greek Food.

I guess Arby's just figures that there aren't enough Greek-Americans to kick up a fuss at this obnoxious, insulting little nub of an ad.  They don't care about the rantings of a blogger with next to no followers even after ten years in the field, they sure don't care about the less than 1 percen of Americans who proudly trace their ancestory back to Greece.

So I'm not even going to bother snarking on this jackass for telling us how he "sees the flavors" in these sandwiches.  WTF-ever, I get you're trying to be poetic as you tell us about faux-Greek food from your garbage junk dealer "restaurant."  There's not much point when 99 out of every 100 idiots who order these sandwiches will pronounce their name wrong.  I just hate all of you right now.

Snickers hates families, responsibility, people in general....

This guy is daydreaming about quitting his job, deserting his family, and "just walking away."  Naturally, the YouTube glue-sniffers think this is just hysterical.

In fact, this commercial would actually work if we then cut to his wife thinking exactly the same thing.  No wait, it really wouldn't- because then we'd have Snickers presenting as comedy the idea that BOTH parents are fantasizing about abandoning all responsibility - "just walking away."

I guess the idea is that "you aren't yourself when you're hungry"- the guy doesn't REALLY want to abandon his wife and kids, he just slips into that mindset when his tummy is a little grumbly.  Is that supposed to make this more understandable?  Doesn't work for me.

Oh, and the YouTubers losing control of your bodily functions over this?  I bet none of you have jobs, a family, or a date in your measurable past or your perceivable future.   And I'm certain that the guy who called this a "dad joke" gets all of his information about "dads" from Andy Capp and For Better or For Worse strips.

Chevy's Real People, Not Actors ad campaign is no longer credible. So why is it still on the air?

So the same boring jackass has been hosting these Chevrolet "Real People Not Actors" commercials for YEARS now, but we are supposed to believe that Chevy can still find a group of Americans willing to be driven out into the desert and then "quizzed" about the identity of the truck manufacturer the spokeschoad is talking about and be even slightly uncertain as to what the correct answer is?  Really?

If I had been part of this group and heard the woman standing next to me answer "um...Ford?" I would have turned to her and responded "what, seriously?  Are you kidding me?  This guy is only slightly less recognizable than Flo from the Progressive Ads or that Eurodouche dweeb from Verizon.  He's asking you, a Real Person Not an Actor, to name the company that built the truck speeding toward you in the middle of this desert.  And you're totally clueless as to the answer?  What freaking rock have YOU been living under?"

Come on, Chevy.  You can't get away with this anymore.  You had a good run with this schtick- a good run which ended about three years ago, to be honest with you.  But you insisted on beating the bit to death because there's no end to the population of attention-starved jackanapes willing to slobber over your crappy trucks on TV.  Seriously, though- it's over.  Move on.  Because it's just not possible to believe the Looks of Amazement Upon Discovering Oh It's Chevy You're Talking About looks anymore.  It hasn't been, for a long time.  But nobody expected you to get it until long, long after we did.

In fact, every single one of your ads is a celebration of dishonesty.  Your Real People not Actors commercials feature people at least attempting to act.  And your "I just wanted to tell you....just one more thing" yapping jackass is also reading from a script.  This is obvious, and you clearly don't care that you're lying because you have zero respect for your potential customers.  What the hell did we ever do to you?

Again, please.  Stop insulting us and move on.

Mastercard's baby commercial leaves me with questions

1.  This guy seems perfectly competent when it comes to caring for that baby.  He isn't stumbling around, he doesn't look completely clueless and confused, and the kid never seems in any danger of being killed in 500 different ways during her 15-minute Dad time.  Maybe Commercial Land is starting to get it- we are way past the days of Michael Keaton and Mr.Mom, and guys taking care of their own offspring is not exactly like fish trying to ride bicycles.

2.  On the other hand, we see absolutely no interaction between Dad and Child throughout this entire ad.  The guy is just going about his day-to-day and the baby just happens to be along for the ride.  We never once see him kiss her or talk to her or in any way acknowledge her existance.  No, she's not in danger- but she's in no way Dad's active companion as he engages in one financial transaction after another.  She's JUST THERE.  Might as well be in a stroller or a backpack.

3.  This baby has bare feet throughout the entire journey from store to store, only wearing shoes when she's home....what the hell?  What was the weather like out there?  Let's assume it was nice and warm, because that way I don't have to get rid of Point #1.  But why stick shoes on the kid after you bring it in the house?