"God Friended Me." He's right behind Justin Bieber in Twitter followers, too

As usual, G-d as portrayed by television producers has all the time in the world to f--k around with Upper Middle Class people in highly advanced Western societies.  Now he's on Facebook, suggesting that G-d hasn't been keeping up with social media trends lately.  If he was better informed, he'd know that Facebook is kind of old school and he'd be doing his communicating through Twitter or SnapChat, not Facebook, which is so Your Mother's Social Media.

Meanwhile, that kid sitting by a river in Kenya waiting for the worm that is boring a hole through his eye to leave him blind before he reaches his teen years- well, sorry, kid, but G-d is too busy contacting pretty people in the Upper 10% tax bracket to help you out right now.  Too busy making friend suggestions to those people, too.  Maybe if you got yourself an iPhone and Verizon you'd rate a little assistance.  Sucks to be you, but that's how G-d rolls.

According to American television producers, of course.

Discover the Courage to ask for what everyone else has already

So I guess the guy in this ad is visiting from the year 1980, because he feels like he has to psych himself up in order to work up the courage to call Discover and

1.  Apply for a card, and

2.  Demand that there be no annual fee attached to that card.

And of course he's going to end up looking like a total idiot because it's 2018 and the only credit cards that carry annual fees are those Platinum things which also give you free sky miles and allegedly awesome hotel deals and a free ride through security at airports and the opportunity to sit in a plush easy chair in some airport bar rather than along the dregs in those uncomfortable plastic seats at the gate where you have to deal with listening to everybody else's "personal device" and scramble for space at the phone charging station.

Not to mention that he's trying to get a DISCOVER card, the favorite card of first-year college students with maybe $500 to their names and no credit history- in 1982.  Holy crap, I bet this guy spends the entire weekend chanting "you can do it you can do it you can do it" before heading off to Starbucks and asking for extra foam on his caramel latte.

'Tis the season to be brutal to your pets, according to Walmart

Because nothing says "Christmas" like torturing your house pet by making it wear stupid crap which makes it hot and will probably end up injuring it's paws by slipping all over your hardwood floor.  Whatever, it's hysterical and great for "sharing," so it's all good, right?

Before the holidays are over, this dog will respond to the doorbell ringing by whimpering, wetting all over the place and hiding under the bed, because by then it will associate every ring with a new horror that's going to be wrapped around it's already suffering, cringing body.

Oh, but the YouTube Gang just adores this ad.  Check out the comments- one of them is "What is this song?"  No kidding.  Never mind that the name of the song is the only part of the song we actually hear.  Someone has to ask that question in every YouTube comment section, and this one will be no exception.  And as for the other comments- well, let's just say that there are a lot of stupid people out there.  Stupid people willing to share their stupid on YouTube.

Revisiting this Vector ad for a moment....

I still can't believe that this Vector thing is for real and I could actually buy one if I wanted something for my apartment that never shut up for one moment but instead chirped, trilled, whistled and beeped nonstop until I finally crushed it by repeatingly stepping on it while wearing steel-toed boots (while it beeped and shrieked for mercy, no doubt.)

I don't get it.  How desperately lonely do you need to be to want an electronic device that just kept reminding you that it existed all the time?  I'm not there yet.

I can so relate to this VRBO ad*

Because like pretty much everybody else I know, when it rains for a few days in a row I just go to the internet, find a beach vacation, and away I go.  On a beach vacation.  Because I "haven't seen the sun in days."

Because like everyone else I know, I don't work for a living or have any actual responsibilities of any kind.  The only reason I stay in any one place for more than a very limited amount of time is if the weather stays nice.  When it turns nasty, I give it a couple of days to clear up, but if it doesn't, well, it's off on another beach vacation.

You know, like pretty much everybody else.

*37,000,000 views?  Yeah, right.  More like a gigantic salute to the power of bots and their ability to generate a fake audience.  If anywhere near 37 million people actually watched this garbage (which has about a dozen replies and a massive 128 thumbs-ups) it was because it keeps showing up in front of things they DO want to watch.  You know, like Prager U with 99 percent less obnoxiousness.

GEICO's holiday ad is a hit with the YouTube glue-sniffers

See, it's FUNNY because grampa's OLD and he's SNORING and we can make fun of him while he sleeps by playing with his nose!

And this entire house has exactly one room so it's not like we can just leave grampa alone to have his nap and go talk somewhere else, that's just not possible-- besides, if we left, we couldn't make fun of Stupid Old Grampa If He Didn't Want Us to make Fun of him He Wouldn't be So Old!

And all of this has to do with auto insurance 'cause Shut Up it's Funny!

(I'm warning you in advance: don't read the comment section.  Just.....don't go there.  Not if you want to retain even the slightest hope for the future of mankind.)

Ancestry DNA advises us to stick to our own

So this guy really wants nothing to do with the new neighbors who are experiencing their first Canadian winter.  The new neighbors tell him this as a way to break the ice (no pun intended) but his response is to go back to his coffee with a "leave me alone" look on his face.  This neighborhood is cold in more ways than one, turns out.

Oh, but wait.  Turns out that the new neighbor traces his ancestry back to Ireland, and so does the established "leave me alone" guy.  Well, why didn't you say so!  Now you both have something in common and worth bonding over.  You can share coffee and chats over the fence and when that fence breaks no big deal you'll fix it together and hey it's almost Christmas let's string lights together now that we are best buds because our great-great-grandparents lived on the same island once.

What if, after a couple of years, one of the neighbors casually drops the fact that his family came from a particular part of Ireland- the Northern Part- and originally resettled there from their palatial Estate in London?  How about if their first "Irish" ancestor was an Anglican Minister who actually spent most of his time in England but visited Ireland from time to time to collect rents from his serfs, until that whole famine thing caused him to kick all those dirty renters off his land and send them off to America?  How close is the bond between these neighbors going to be then?

Point is, maybe knowing some distant ancestors came from the same part of Europe isn't the strongest reason to stop being an antisocial dick to your neighbors and actually acknowledge their existence and maybe even be somewhat freindly to them.  This commercial makes it so obvious that if the new neighbors had been English, or French, or Italian, or Black, the Wall of Silence would have remained solid and unyielding.  I don't think that's a very heartwarming message.