Consumer Cellular: Because being obnoxious with cell phones isn't just for you loser millenials anymore!

Watching these obnoxious Consumer Cellular ads with their ridiculous grinning self-satisfied Retired and Lovin' It Baby Boomers yapping endlessly about how much they adore Usin' the cell phones Just Like Their Grandchildren seriously makes me want to punch somebody.

Hey, Stupid Old People who had everything handed to them on a silver platter because they were born at the right time:  It's bad enough that the entire economy has catered to you for my entire life and that means that most of the commercials I see today is for drugs designed to treat Old People Diseases.  The very last thing any of us need to see now is you ridiculous idiots pretending to be thrilled to death over technology everyone under the age of fifty got used to over twenty years ago.

And it's even worse that there's one commercial after another for this stupid service featuring people who are in that golden age between Just Retired and Completely Helpless wasting what little productive time they have left hanging out with fellow Stupid Old People playing with their Amazing Phones.  Why aren't you using those ridiculous pension plans and swollen bank accounts to travel or something, you stupid ugly old knobs?

At least get the hell off my television.  I'm done with you people.  Seriously, we get it:  You've got it all.  You've always had it all.  Now you're old, rich and healthy and you can't even let your kids have the addiction to cellphones to themselves. 

Mac masters the art of Pretention

Is it ok if I want every single one of these self-important twats with their expensive computers to just go die in a fire for subjecting me to this garbage?  I mean, could any of them lift their eyes from their Macs to let me know what it is about Macs that allows them to do something they couldn't do with a Dell?

*Well, ok, not every single one of them.  Kermit the frog is still cool, and Jim Hensen is dead so I can't even blame him for selling out.  And Malala is ok.  And that little girl in the end- she might not even know she's in an ad.  But you know what I mean.

Kind of messed up, Good2Go

The guy in this ad is waiting for someone to pick him up and give him a ride to work- he's got a job, see, and he's got a truck, but he can't afford INSURANCE, so if you stick a newspaper under it that truck becomes the world's biggest paperweight.  I'm not sure if it would become the world's most expensive paperweight, 'cause I haven't checked Touchofmodern.com lately.

Talk about doing everything backwards.  This guy has a job.  He's got transportation.  So why can't he buy insurance?  I strongly suspect it's because he's got years of accidents on his record and no reputable company will have anything to do with him without requiring a month-to-month policy and prohibitively high payments- so why did he buy that nice new truck?

But here comes Good2Go, which proudly declares it's willingness to sell you a policy that provides the absolute bare minimum coverage under the law, so you and your crappy driving record can get back on the road and endanger more people.  I'll be keeping my eye out for you.

Still looking for the absolute worst Good2Go commercial, which features a mom feeding her kids tuna casserole every night because she's saving up to buy car insurance (man, did those kids loose out in the ol' genetic lottery.)  Once she signs up with cut-rate Good2Go, she's got enough to serve them steak.  Warms the heart, it does.  As soon as someone posts it to YouTube it will be at this blog, I can promise you that.

Aspiration Presents: Virtue Signalling with a freaking Bullhorn

Seriously, there is so much ridiculous piled into this short ad, I hardly know where to start.

All that happens in this ad is that a woman notes while jogging that someone is selling flowers "cash only," gets some cash, and buys some flowers.  That's it.  Somehow this is presented as doing something amazing for the human race- no, never mind the human race, the PLANET.  Oh, she does interrupt her jogging to toss something into the recycle bin, which I guess qualifies her for Sainthood, but really...

After noting that she needs cash if she wants to buy flowers, this woman buys a cup of coffee using a debit card which is just sitting in a big floppy pocket of her jogging suit, waiting to leap to freedom first chance it gets.  That's a pretty stupid way to carry around a debit card, lady.  Oh, but then she walks over to the ATM in the coffee shop and withdraws twenty bucks- what the hell is with you, stupid woman?  You couldn't just get cash back from the coffee purchase?  You know what, if you had gone to the nearest 7-11 instead of this pretentious coffee shop you could have got that $20 WITHOUT wasting time at an ATM machine.

(Oh, and "FDIC Insured?"  Isn't that kind of required for a bank to operate within the borders of the United States these days?)

Then she goes back outside and buys a bouquet of flowers from the flower lady.  She hands the flower lady TWENTY DOLLARS for a small bouquet and walks away with the bouquet AND NO CHANGE.  So this ridiculous jogging woman just went for a run with her debit card, saved the planet by tossing something into a recycle bin, bought a coffee, used an ATM, and handed twenty bucks to cart salesperson for what looks to be maybe $5 worth of flowers?

What is this woman Aspiring too?  Bankruptcy?  I mean, come on.  What the hell is the matter with you, stupid jogging woman?  And what's with that permanent look of Enlightened Liberalism you've got stitched into your face?  What Amazingly Progressive thing did you do that I obviously missed?  'Cause I don't see giving a flower woman a $15 tip as advancing any cause unless it's the depletion of your bank account.

(Why did this woman buy coffee in the first place?  Who interrupts jogging to buy coffee?  Is she just going to walk back home now with her coffee and flowers?  I bet the cashier at the coffee place wished she had used the ATM first and paid cash for that coffee, considering what an awesome tipper she is.  Instead, she didn't tip THAT guy AT ALL because she used plastic and THEN got cash.  What the serious heck is going on here???)

And while we're at it, what is wrong with the person who asks about the background music in the comments?  Are you freaking insane, or what?

A moment later the boss sees what this kid is doing with his on-the-clock time and fires his sorry butt

Because as we all know, people who own businesses and yachts typically get their taxes done by an annonymous numbers monkey at TurboTax.  What, was the line behind the guy in the Statue of Liberty costume down at LibertyTax too long?

Seriously, how sad do you have to be to go to such great lengths to impress the TurboTax person?  And isn't your sad little facade going to collapse the moment she looks at your 1040 form and realize that if you are being at all honest, you are the worst-paid CEO in the United States, along with being the poorest yacht owner?

Echo Dot Presents: A girl who never got the real message from dad

And I thought having to listen to my father's favorite Nitty Gritty Dirt Band album over and over was bad....

This girl grew up listening to Dad's favorite song, which I guess she never noticed was about how men are doomed to be treated like playthings by evil, manipulative women.  Since she never paid the slightest attention to the lyrics, she sat with her father and listened to him play it again and again, failing as she grew to understand dad's pathetic obsession with someone or another who hurt him once and who convinced him to bury his soul into a song.  She realized the song meant a lot to him so she learned to play it on the guitar, and whenever she thought about her dad she thought about that song and maybe dad's inability to just let go and move on with his life already.

When she finally went to college, she packed everything she owned into a gigantic Amazon box and went off to a dorm room where she realized she'd be surrounded by exactly the kind of horrible females who destroyed her father (the kind with eyes and hair.)  She felt frightened to be in such a nest of Jezebels and decided to take comfort- or don armor- by asking her Echo Dot to "play dad's playlist" which, again, consists of exactly one song with a pretty creepy message.

I hope she has a roomate who, after listening to this song eight or nine times over the first weekend in the dorm, asks her what the hell is going on with the fixation on that stupid song.  And when Daddy's little girl explains that it's always been Daddy's favorite song, they can have a chat which is enlightening on both sides.  And when Daddy's little girl goes home for break, she and Daddy can have their own little chat about how Daddy got hurt and why Daddy never let his pain go, never grew the hell up and moved on, and insisted on passing his hurt on to his daughter.  And how none of this is charming or sweet or anything like healthy.

TurboTax hates people

I could go along with the YouTube commenters who want to focus on how rude the woman in this ad is.  And I could do an entire post based solely on that aspect of the ad- she bumps into a guy she knows at a coffee shop who tells her that he invented this App and it's doing great.  He starts to give her some details about the App, and two seconds later she decides that his idea is not only really stupid, but it's not worth one more moment of her time, and she's relieved to be "rescued" by the tax person who randomly called her to ask if this is a good time to go over her tax return "line by line."

She behaves as if she's just been given a reprieve by the governor because she can't simply be A)  nice to the guy and let him talk for a minute or so before wishing him well and moving on, or B) brutally honest and tell him she's so uninterested that she'd rather talk to some tax choad on her phone than listen to one more word out of his stupid face.

I could do that, but that would be following the YouTube commenter script, which if you check it out gets really, really ugly- I mean, these guys really, really don't like women at all.  They've got issues.  I'm not going to quote them, but there it is.  I'm not following their lead.

Instead, I'll just point out that sitting in a coffee shop using it's easily-hackable public WiFi is probably NOT the perfect place to "go over your taxes, line by line."  No matter how desperately you want to end a conversation you've decided you just can't bear to continue for some reason.  But I'm sure that when this woman DOES go through her taxes "line by line," she'll continue to do it without using earbuds or anything like that, because there's nothing private about tax forms after all and I'm sure everybody in that shop is as super-interested in hearing it as she is in avoiding what probably would have been a 2-minute conversation that made a fellow human being feel a little better about his accomplishments.