Teleflora's disturbing "Love Out Loud" commercial

The main character in this ad spends his entire life vainly attempting to buy love with flowers.  Over and over again, he goes to flowers as a way of getting girls- and then women- to acknowledge his existence.  At first, he's dissapointed to discover that while the objects of his affection like the flowers and are willing to accept them, they aren't instantly enamoured of him personally.  His world is bright for one moment as the girl smiles and appreciates the gift of flowers, and then turns away without offering him any kind of reward beyond the thank-you. 

As the boy was clearly after more than a thank-you, this leaves him confused.

As he gets older, he continues in his quest to purchase a relationship with a fistful of pretty plant life.  At some point, he finally manages to get a woman to go out with him and even move in with him, but as she learns who he is beyond his ability to buy flowers she begins to (gasp!) quarrel with him.  Yes, this incredibly ungrateful woman actually ARGUES with the Very Nice Guy who used to be a Very Nice Boy, clearly she isn't good enough for him and she walks out, leaving our Hero Alone Again, Naturally.*

Now our Very Nice Guy has turned into an Old Very Nice Guy, and the world is very dark and cold and filled with Evil Women who simply cannot appreciate him no matter how many times he's shelled out for flowers.  He's done with all that; he's not buying any more of these Users flowers because they never get him what he really wants.  But oh wait- here's an equally dissapointed and Twice as Desperate old woman willing to give HIM a flower because SHE'S been let down by people with personalities and their own ideas of what they want in a life partner.  True love at last.

Our story closes with the main character married at last to the right person- someone who, like him, believes that affection can and should be purchased with trinkets (flowers today, rings tomorrow) and that there's Hope Yet for all the Nice People in the world who know they are Nice People because Look What I Did For You Now You Owe Me Dammit. 

The only thing more creepy, sad and disturbing about this ridiculously smarmy, ugly, manipulative little nub of an ad?  The YouTube commenters weeping with appreciation over it.  Ugh, people.  Please.

*yes, that's an intentional Gilbert O'Sullivan reference.

The Only Thing Worse than another Consumer Cellular Commercial....

...is one that attempts to use a rhyming scheme.  I mean, all of these ads are just horrible- most of them feature idiot old people smiling and nodding at their phones in a lame attempt to demonstrate emotion for the camera- but this one might be the very worst, as it's nothing more than a celebration of all the ways you can waste the one and only life you'll ever have f--king around with your stupid phone.

All I really want is for everyone in this commercial to die in a horrible fire, and for Consumer Cellular commercials to stop popping up every time I listen to anything on YouTube.  That doesn't seem to be asking for so very much, but I rarely get what I want.  Maybe that will change when I become a Senior Citizen and join the ranks of the disgusting old twats who pollute the airwaves through these ads, as they seem to get everything THEY want.  Until then, I'll just sit here and wish that the Sharing The Latest Viral Cat Insane Woman would just put her stupid phone down and do something, anything, other than "share" banal bullcrap with whatever years of her worthless, meaningless life she has left.

In two years, Paul from Sprint will be yipping like a puppy for T-Mobile

"Hi I'm Paul, and I had a sweet gig with Verizon for a few years that I thought might lead to an acting career. Then my shelf life expired, Verizon dumped me overboard, and I found myself on the edge of homelessness because I couldn't find an ounce of acting ability with an x-ray machine and a mag-lite. So I decided to do the only thing I had any talent for- whoring myself out to a crappy cell service company and going back to making America hate my stupid fat face and dumbass grin." "And hey, check it out- I get to share time with an attention-sucking CGI robot thing, because Sprint is smart enough to know you sure as hell aren't about to switch phone services on MY word. After all, I've proven that I'll be a brown-noser for any company willing to put money in my pocket. Aren't I trustworthy?"

Good2Go Auto Insurance presents: So Much Winning!

"I'm walking down the street with my two kids and bags of groceries- this is really hard, making my life very difficult.  I've got a car, but I can't afford insurance.  I had a choice- feed them, or buy insurance.  They won."

Um, only in the most limited sense, lady.*  First of all, unless you wanted an eventual visit from Child Protective Services, you really don't get to choose between feeding your kids and driving your car, sorry.  If you thought I was going to give you plaudits for "choosing" your kids over your f--ng car, well, sorry, that's not going to happen.

If you wanted praise from me, you should have dumped that worthless car of yours and invested in a few transit passes.  Stop pretending you can afford a car and get real.  And get used to that mass transit option.

As for your kids....this is what your mom calls "winning," guys.  Juggling car insurance and food.  There's this thing called the genetic lottery, and you didn't win it.  The heartbreaking thing here is that your mom isn't all that interested in getting her finances in order if she's just waiting for someone to hand her cut-rate, Just Barely Legal "insurance" that won't do one damn thing for you if you're hurt in an accident which is her fault (think that's a risk worth taking?  Your mom does.  Which is probably why she can't afford insurance in the first place.)

Yep, they "won."  Kind of hard to tell when they are walking home from the grocery store with mom and then sitting in that studio apartment surrounded by Rent A Center appliances, but trust me, they "won."  Mommy says so.

*and once again, it's a single black person with kids who can't afford insurance.  So very progressive of you, Good2Go.

Check out this racist Good2Go Insurance Commercial....

I've watched a lot of these commercials, trying to pick and choose the best (worst) of them to snark at here.  And I've noticed a pattern I'd like to share with you.

Again and again, whenever the Good2Go customer is black person, that black person is either a divorced guy taking the bus to see his daughter and her mother or a single woman struggling to make ends meet with little children, no father in sight.  But whenever the Good2Go customer is a white man or white woman, they are simply seen as single people who talk about how difficult it is to get to their jobs without car insurance.  I'm serious- I've watched a dozen or more of these ads, and it's ALWAYS the same- black person with dependent kids, or single white person just trying to get to work.

WTF, Good2Go?

Oh, and about this particular ad- as usual, the woman here is doing everything backwards.  She paid good money for a car that I guess is just sitting in the driveway or on the street because she can't afford to drive it. She can't afford to drive it because car insurance costs too much.  Assuming she didn't buy a BMW or Audi, why can't she afford insurance?  Terrible driving record? Terrible credit? Must be something like that.  But in any case, why don't you just SELL that car you aren't using and invest that money in public transportation for which you'll never have to pay for maintenence, fuel, accidents or insurance?  I mean, it's obvious that you live in a substantial urban area- why don't you use that money you could get from selling the car you can't drive without buying barely-legal, no actual coverage car insurance to take an Uber or public bus to the freaking doctor?

Probably because all of these Good2Go commercials feature boneheaded idiots who dropped thousands of dollars on IndividualMobiles without considering where they were going to get the money for the insurance.  Even the ones featuring white people.  But getting back to my first point- come on, Good2Go.  Give me at least ONE commercial featuring a white single mom or a dad trying to catch the bus to visit his kid at mom's new place.  Just ONE. 

Consumer Cellular: Because being obnoxious with cell phones isn't just for you loser millenials anymore!

Watching these obnoxious Consumer Cellular ads with their ridiculous grinning self-satisfied Retired and Lovin' It Baby Boomers yapping endlessly about how much they adore Usin' the cell phones Just Like Their Grandchildren seriously makes me want to punch somebody.

Hey, Stupid Old People who had everything handed to them on a silver platter because they were born at the right time:  It's bad enough that the entire economy has catered to you for my entire life and that means that most of the commercials I see today is for drugs designed to treat Old People Diseases.  The very last thing any of us need to see now is you ridiculous idiots pretending to be thrilled to death over technology everyone under the age of fifty got used to over twenty years ago.

And it's even worse that there's one commercial after another for this stupid service featuring people who are in that golden age between Just Retired and Completely Helpless wasting what little productive time they have left hanging out with fellow Stupid Old People playing with their Amazing Phones.  Why aren't you using those ridiculous pension plans and swollen bank accounts to travel or something, you stupid ugly old knobs?

At least get the hell off my television.  I'm done with you people.  Seriously, we get it:  You've got it all.  You've always had it all.  Now you're old, rich and healthy and you can't even let your kids have the addiction to cellphones to themselves. 

Mac masters the art of Pretention

Is it ok if I want every single one of these self-important twats with their expensive computers to just go die in a fire for subjecting me to this garbage?  I mean, could any of them lift their eyes from their Macs to let me know what it is about Macs that allows them to do something they couldn't do with a Dell?

*Well, ok, not every single one of them.  Kermit the frog is still cool, and Jim Hensen is dead so I can't even blame him for selling out.  And Malala is ok.  And that little girl in the end- she might not even know she's in an ad.  But you know what I mean.