James Harden, Genius

So I guess James Harden is just fascinated by the workings of the modern microwave oven.  Can't say as I blame him, it's not like microwave ovens didn't become common household appliances years before he was born.

He's so fascinated in fact that instead of putting the chinese food container in, setting the timer (five minutes?  Have you ever used one of these things, James?  That's not a large amount of food) and walking away, he just stands there staring at the window.  I guess his plan was to just stand there staring at it for five minutes. Maybe watching it go 'round and 'round is super-fascinating for some people.  I got over it myself, when I was, oh, five or six.

Harden's decision to just stand there and watch the food go 'round and 'round doesn't pay off however because when he sees the metal handle on the chinese food container spark, he doesn't do what 99.99 percent of adults would do- quickly open the door to prevent a fire or any damage to the oven.  Instead, he just keeps staring at it.  So first we learned that James Harden likes to watch chinese food containers go 'round and 'round through the glass window of microwave ovens.  And now we've learned that James Harden is one of the one in ten thousand adults out there who do not know how to react when the item being heated up lets off a spark.

And then we learn even more about James Harden- when the container bursts into flames, he.....continues to just stand there and watch.  He really, really enjoys looking at that microwave do it's work, it's so mesmerizing.  First it spins food, then it sparks, then it turns into a little fireplace.  And Harden just stands there.

In the end, James Harden lets out a little scream- I guess it's suddenly occurred to him- about two minutes after it would have occurred to everyone else- that something is not quite right here- and his response is not to call the fire department or get out of the house, but to let out a little scream.  Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man" responded about 100 times more intelligently to a smoking countertop stove.  I'm frankly surprised that Harden survived his little adventure with the microwave oven- does a deleted scene show him being carried out of the burning kitchen like a mannequin by the local fire department?

And here's a depressing endnote- how much money did James Harden make in the time it took for that fire to start?  Probably more than you make in a month.  Understanding that you should not put metal in a microwave is an overrated quality.  Being able to quickly respond to the resulting malfunction is also overrated.  Being able to dribble a basketball?  Here's some more cash.

Pluto TV adds it's contribution to an already-saturated market

"Saturated" is being charitable.  How about "inundated," "done to death," or just plain ENOUGH ALREADY?

I mean, who the heck thinks that what we really need is another option to allow us to watch more television?  Don't we already have Hulu and Netflix and Amazon and YouTube and Plex etc. etc. ETC. feeding our apparently insatiable appetite for brain candy?  Does anyone f--ng read or just take walks or have conversations or just commute with their thoughts anymore?

Ugh, I feel like an old man shaking his fist at the clouds.  But I also feel like I'm justified in doing it.  This is a seriously messed-up world we're living in.

Earth to People:  Watching TV is not the be-all and end-all of existance.  It really isn't.  There's so much more to life than staring at that stupid f--ng screen.  At least, there is for me.  The rest of you?  Well, you're free to make your own choices.  But could you at least stop watching long enough to operate that motor vehicle in a way that doesn't threaten my life on a daily basis?  Please?  Because I kind of LIKE the life I have, most of the time.

Geico thinks we're nostalgic for this crap

Because a commercial which was totally devoid of humor - not to mention any information at all concerning the product allegedly being sold- was pretty popular among the paint-huffers a decade ago, let's repackage this stale pile of dung as "The Best of Geico" and put it back on the airwaves.  It's not like it's audience has grown one ounce more mature since then.  Heck, Donald Trump wasn't even president when this originally aired after all.

So here's your nostalgia fix for the day.  Remember when those CGI squirrels intentionally caused a horrific, fatal car accident and then celebrated with fist bumps?  Remember how funny that was because we never saw the results for the people in the car but in fact only heard some mild crashing noises (no screaming or sobbing or anything like that, because that's totally not associated with car crashes in real life?)  Remember how we could enjoy watching those hilarious squirrels celebrating their success at causing multiple injuries because those injuries were off-screen and therefore non-existant?

Remember also how we turned our brains off and never considered for one moment why a non-suicidal squirrel would want to do this in the first place?  Remember how we never wondered how many of these stupid squirrels failed to consider how many of those drivers were on their cell phones and ended up being smushed like- well, like squirrels- as those drivers went on their merry ways after briefly wondering what that little "thump" noise under their wheels was all about?

Ever wonder why companies like Geico have so little respect for their audience?  Well, I've got an answer to that.  Check out the comment section, if you dare.

Probably still cheaper than Scientology

Meet the cult leaders who want you to buy into the idea that you are just a "free" ($2000) seminar away from unlocking the secrets to house-flipping (just another $30K investment required) so you can become successful just like these adorable people.  Think they might be trying to scam you?  Come on, look how sweet they are, and check out that adorable dog!  Nobody who talks about their dog the way this wonderful couple does could be anything but 100 percent honest, right?

So tune into the next chapter of "Meet the Yancey's," get to know these amazing people who Just Want to Show You How to Be The Best You Can Be Just Like Them, and maybe you'll learn how to get rich while sitting on the couch.  Well no, not really- Scott Yancey and his Wife From Central Casting don't teach their "students" how to create youtube videos designed to draw suckers into "free" seminars which look and sound like revival meetings.  They teach you how to empty your wallet into their bank account to learn how to (yawn, seriously, still?) flip houses.  In other words, the packaging is shiny and new but there's nothing original about the product; cripes, hucksters were pitching this garbage before the internet was a thing.  I bet you can still find this basic pitch on VHS tapes somewhere, sold to some loser forty years ago in a commercial which showed up during Late Night Monster Theater on Channel 56.  It was probably more convincing than the version these wax figurines present here.

Oh and by the way, Yanceys?  Unless the title meant "Meet the Yancey's Dog," there's no reason for the apostrophe before the "s" in Yanceys.  Maybe your marketing guru should invest in Grammarly?

Oh, and one more thing: check out this hilarious "unbiased review" of the Yancey pitch.  Gag.

https://www.highya.com/scott-yancey-reviews

Allstate's Mayhem Commercials are black holes of comedy, which explains why Americans love them so much

See, it's funny 'cause the black guy keeps yelling "what?"  That makes it funny.  And it gets more funny every time he yells "what?"

Plus it's got that guy who has done this mayhem thing like a thousand times in a thousand different commercials.  That never gets old, 'cause I've got the brain of a chick pea and I like stuff that's familiar and not too hard to think about.

I hope they keep making these mayhem commercials 'cause I like them they make me laugh and that's what I look for in commercials.  I love it when the mayhem guy gets hurt too, plus when that other guy keeps yelling "what?"  And best of all I like telling people on YouTube how much I like these commercials.  I was gonna just reply "what?" but like a dozen people already did that LOL.  I'm gonna do it anyway though 'cause "what?"

Booking.com will get you to hell for less

At booking.com, we can't promise that your kids won't be bored out of their minds twenty minutes into that vacation to the middle of nowhere to pan for pretty dirt in a creek unless that big not-cabin you rented has excellent WiFi, but we can guarantee the best possible rate for that vacation your wife and kids will be complaining about for years to come and which ended any chance that your vacation suggestions would ever be taken seriously again by your family.

I may be being a bit generous with the "twenty minutes" estimate.  That looks like a pretty nice cabin.  I think it's more likely that inside of fifteen minutes the children in this ad are long past any interest in dipping a screen into a creek and are sitting in that cabin checking out the satellite package and texting nasty comments about Stupid Dad and his Stupid Idea of Fun to their friends who are at a cool beach or amusement park someplace.  Maybe the cabin has a hot tub?  Something?  Anything that doesn't lead everyone to angrily demand an explanation for why the family's two freaking weeks of vacation per year is being spent a few miles down the road from Jackson Hole Bible College and a thousand miles from Planet Interesting?

Three points concerning this Danny DeVito Quickbooks Commercial

1.  It's perfectly normal to Josie Gonzalez (who is really cute, btw) to be handed financial advice from Danny DeVito because....well, because this is television, I guess.

2.  It's perfectly fine to portray a dog groomer living in a freaking palace in the suburbs.  Because dog groomers running their own small, one-employee businesses regularly make $250K annually.  Uh-huh.

3.  Josie Gonzalez doesn't have a single line in this entire ad.  Why not?  I strongly suspect that it's because Danny DeVito, for all his concern for the success of this small business, had zero interest in sharing lines with a non-actor.  So Josie Gonzalez is oddly mute during her scenes, which comes off as more than a little awkward and weird.