Wells Fargo Dog Ad

"It's fine.... your human isn't listening...."

And nor should she.  If Wells Fargo wants to make an ad in which a dog "talks" to the dog in the viewer's home, the viewer should feel perfectly free to tune out and let that dog deliver whatever message it wants to the viewer's dog.  Hey Wells Fargo, if you can sell my goldfish a line of credit, feel free to do that, too.  But you don't get to insult me with this crap and think you're going to win me (the one with the actual money and language skills and legal ability to seek you out for a mortgage) over with noxious, manipulative nonsense like this.

Meanwhile, to those of you who think steaming piles of dung like the Talking/Thinking Like a Human Trope is still cute (or ever was,) let alone persuasive, let my remind you that the dog featured in this ad has no idea it's being filmed, has no idea that a horrifically annoying human voice is being used to narrate it's non-thoughts, or that it's being used to sell a product it can't come anywhere close to comprehending.  Because it's a f--king DOG.  It thinks "its human" is a bigger, more powerful dog it must respect if it wants to survive.  The "home of its dreams" is a shelter with enough warmth to be comfortable and enough food to allow it to continue to carry out its regular bodily functions.  That's IT.

Robocop, KFC and the endless revolving door of "Colonels"

1.  The family in this ad is so uninterested in the free chicken and biscuits which has suddenly shown up at their doorway that they have no reaction at all to the Robocop character presenting it.  In fact, when the character repeats the offer, one member of the family actually attempts to "shush" it, I guess so she can focus on the thirty-year old* film on her screen.

2.  It's not until the Robocop character actually threatens the family with punishment unless it "complies" within fifteen seconds that the family lunges for the fried bird parts.  So the message of this commercial seems to be "you'd never voluntarily consume this crap.  You will, however, agree to eat it if faced with violence if you don't."

3.  What is it with KFC and it's never-ending parade of Colonel Sanders impersonator spokeschoads?  Randy Quaid has had the job.  Then Darrell Hammond.  Norm Macdonald had the gig for a while and seemed to be doing ok.  George Hamilton, Ray Liotta...and about five minutes ago, KFC made a bit of a splash by hiring Jason Alexander for the role of fried chicken huckster who died forty years ago.  Is getting hired for this gig just a matter of hanging around Hollywood long enough?

*Which Robocop film is this family watching?  I hope it's not the original, which is way too violent for that kid, and probably not something anyone wants to be watching while eating.  If it's Robocop 3 or the more recent remake it's nothing anyone wants to be watching period.

James Harden, Genius

So I guess James Harden is just fascinated by the workings of the modern microwave oven.  Can't say as I blame him, it's not like microwave ovens didn't become common household appliances years before he was born.

He's so fascinated in fact that instead of putting the chinese food container in, setting the timer (five minutes?  Have you ever used one of these things, James?  That's not a large amount of food) and walking away, he just stands there staring at the window.  I guess his plan was to just stand there staring at it for five minutes. Maybe watching it go 'round and 'round is super-fascinating for some people.  I got over it myself, when I was, oh, five or six.

Harden's decision to just stand there and watch the food go 'round and 'round doesn't pay off however because when he sees the metal handle on the chinese food container spark, he doesn't do what 99.99 percent of adults would do- quickly open the door to prevent a fire or any damage to the oven.  Instead, he just keeps staring at it.  So first we learned that James Harden likes to watch chinese food containers go 'round and 'round through the glass window of microwave ovens.  And now we've learned that James Harden is one of the one in ten thousand adults out there who do not know how to react when the item being heated up lets off a spark.

And then we learn even more about James Harden- when the container bursts into flames, he.....continues to just stand there and watch.  He really, really enjoys looking at that microwave do it's work, it's so mesmerizing.  First it spins food, then it sparks, then it turns into a little fireplace.  And Harden just stands there.

In the end, James Harden lets out a little scream- I guess it's suddenly occurred to him- about two minutes after it would have occurred to everyone else- that something is not quite right here- and his response is not to call the fire department or get out of the house, but to let out a little scream.  Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man" responded about 100 times more intelligently to a smoking countertop stove.  I'm frankly surprised that Harden survived his little adventure with the microwave oven- does a deleted scene show him being carried out of the burning kitchen like a mannequin by the local fire department?

And here's a depressing endnote- how much money did James Harden make in the time it took for that fire to start?  Probably more than you make in a month.  Understanding that you should not put metal in a microwave is an overrated quality.  Being able to quickly respond to the resulting malfunction is also overrated.  Being able to dribble a basketball?  Here's some more cash.

Pluto TV adds it's contribution to an already-saturated market

"Saturated" is being charitable.  How about "inundated," "done to death," or just plain ENOUGH ALREADY?

I mean, who the heck thinks that what we really need is another option to allow us to watch more television?  Don't we already have Hulu and Netflix and Amazon and YouTube and Plex etc. etc. ETC. feeding our apparently insatiable appetite for brain candy?  Does anyone f--ng read or just take walks or have conversations or just commute with their thoughts anymore?

Ugh, I feel like an old man shaking his fist at the clouds.  But I also feel like I'm justified in doing it.  This is a seriously messed-up world we're living in.

Earth to People:  Watching TV is not the be-all and end-all of existance.  It really isn't.  There's so much more to life than staring at that stupid f--ng screen.  At least, there is for me.  The rest of you?  Well, you're free to make your own choices.  But could you at least stop watching long enough to operate that motor vehicle in a way that doesn't threaten my life on a daily basis?  Please?  Because I kind of LIKE the life I have, most of the time.

Geico thinks we're nostalgic for this crap

Because a commercial which was totally devoid of humor - not to mention any information at all concerning the product allegedly being sold- was pretty popular among the paint-huffers a decade ago, let's repackage this stale pile of dung as "The Best of Geico" and put it back on the airwaves.  It's not like it's audience has grown one ounce more mature since then.  Heck, Donald Trump wasn't even president when this originally aired after all.

So here's your nostalgia fix for the day.  Remember when those CGI squirrels intentionally caused a horrific, fatal car accident and then celebrated with fist bumps?  Remember how funny that was because we never saw the results for the people in the car but in fact only heard some mild crashing noises (no screaming or sobbing or anything like that, because that's totally not associated with car crashes in real life?)  Remember how we could enjoy watching those hilarious squirrels celebrating their success at causing multiple injuries because those injuries were off-screen and therefore non-existant?

Remember also how we turned our brains off and never considered for one moment why a non-suicidal squirrel would want to do this in the first place?  Remember how we never wondered how many of these stupid squirrels failed to consider how many of those drivers were on their cell phones and ended up being smushed like- well, like squirrels- as those drivers went on their merry ways after briefly wondering what that little "thump" noise under their wheels was all about?

Ever wonder why companies like Geico have so little respect for their audience?  Well, I've got an answer to that.  Check out the comment section, if you dare.

Probably still cheaper than Scientology

Meet the cult leaders who want you to buy into the idea that you are just a "free" ($2000) seminar away from unlocking the secrets to house-flipping (just another $30K investment required) so you can become successful just like these adorable people.  Think they might be trying to scam you?  Come on, look how sweet they are, and check out that adorable dog!  Nobody who talks about their dog the way this wonderful couple does could be anything but 100 percent honest, right?

So tune into the next chapter of "Meet the Yancey's," get to know these amazing people who Just Want to Show You How to Be The Best You Can Be Just Like Them, and maybe you'll learn how to get rich while sitting on the couch.  Well no, not really- Scott Yancey and his Wife From Central Casting don't teach their "students" how to create youtube videos designed to draw suckers into "free" seminars which look and sound like revival meetings.  They teach you how to empty your wallet into their bank account to learn how to (yawn, seriously, still?) flip houses.  In other words, the packaging is shiny and new but there's nothing original about the product; cripes, hucksters were pitching this garbage before the internet was a thing.  I bet you can still find this basic pitch on VHS tapes somewhere, sold to some loser forty years ago in a commercial which showed up during Late Night Monster Theater on Channel 56.  It was probably more convincing than the version these wax figurines present here.

Oh and by the way, Yanceys?  Unless the title meant "Meet the Yancey's Dog," there's no reason for the apostrophe before the "s" in Yanceys.  Maybe your marketing guru should invest in Grammarly?

Oh, and one more thing: check out this hilarious "unbiased review" of the Yancey pitch.  Gag.

https://www.highya.com/scott-yancey-reviews

Allstate's Mayhem Commercials are black holes of comedy, which explains why Americans love them so much

See, it's funny 'cause the black guy keeps yelling "what?"  That makes it funny.  And it gets more funny every time he yells "what?"

Plus it's got that guy who has done this mayhem thing like a thousand times in a thousand different commercials.  That never gets old, 'cause I've got the brain of a chick pea and I like stuff that's familiar and not too hard to think about.

I hope they keep making these mayhem commercials 'cause I like them they make me laugh and that's what I look for in commercials.  I love it when the mayhem guy gets hurt too, plus when that other guy keeps yelling "what?"  And best of all I like telling people on YouTube how much I like these commercials.  I was gonna just reply "what?" but like a dozen people already did that LOL.  I'm gonna do it anyway though 'cause "what?"