34 years later, I have to comment on this Fancy Feast Ad

I'll use my usual excuse first:  the internet simply wasn't a thing back in 1985.  When this ad first appeared on tv, I was a Sophomore in college and probably too busy working on an essay assignment or studying for anthropology with my girlfriend to take much notice of stupid commercials. But also, being a non-pet owner it's very easy for me to just tune out during ads featuring food for the dirty little mammals some people just insist on populating their homes with. 

Anyway, a few things about this vintage Fancy Feast commercial:  First, there's the butler bringing in a tray holding about a dozen cans of the stuff to show the "customer."  What, is that cat going to pick out which flavor it wants to eat tonight?  I kind of doubt it- so why not just open the can somewhere else and just bring in the food?  Why go through the trouble of stacking all those cans and carrying them on a tray into a room just so you can open one and bring the rest back?  Think this butler guy ever took a moment to reflect on how horrible wrong his life had gone?

Also, what's with the idea of serving the food in a wine glass (is that a wine glass? Or a tiny candy dish?  I really don't know what that container would be used for if not cat food- but are there really cat dishes that look like this?  If so, why?  Are they made of glass?  Plastic?  I bet plastic.  Is it safe to assume that this glass/dish thing is for the exclusive use of the cat, and it's not going to be washed and added to the family china set?)

Why is the very least impressive thing shown in this ad the actual cat food?  It just looks like cat food, at least until it's flaked with the fork.  Then it looks like cat food that's been doctored up to make it look better than it is (didn't work.)  Meanwhile, what's the cat thinking?  My guess is it's thinking "just put the damn food down so I can get at it already." 

I'd say people were weird in 1985- and I'd be right- but it's not like they are any better now.  Check out radio ads for Vitabite dog food.  Those people are INSANE.  It was fun to be nostalgic for a few minutes, though.  So there is that.

Buick: Enough already

Nobody Nobody NOBODY has a fixed idea in their heads of what a "Buick" looks like, sorry Buick!

And Nobody Nobody Nobody says things like "that's my Buick," "where's my Buick?" or "how are we all going to fit into your Buick?"  Because no matter how hard you want us to think of them like BMWs or Audis, they aren't BMWs or Audis.  They are just freaking cars- cars that impress nobody, cars that look like every other car that isn't a BMW or Audi.

Navy Federal Credit Union lets us know that our vets are as obnoxious as anyone else

I guess this would have been even FUNNIER if this woman's friend hadn't been holding on tightly when she was pushed and ended up suffering a severe injury.  Wouldn't that have been an absolute laugh riot?

Meanwhile, this woman feels "absolutely secure" in using her instant-pay Federal Navy Credit Union app while in the middle of the woods, connected via who knows what crappy, probably very insecure service.  Why anyone would need to use this app is beyond me- I go away from time to time, even into the woods, and manage to get my bills paid without EVER using my phone to do it because, well, I'm capable of planning ahead.  I can use my laptop from home or even write a check and mail it now and then rather than wait till the last minute when I have to interrupt a vacation including tromping through the woods to get on an App and send money I could have sent before I left the freaking house.  What the hell is with you people, anyway?

I'd like to end with a shout-out to a very special YouTube commentator named Vince Cartelli.  Vince Cartelli is very, very upset with all us snowflakes who don't like ads like this.  Actually, I'm not even sure that "upset" is the right word.  It's bigger than that.  Vince sounds like he sees complaints about commercials as a sure sign that the End Times are upon us.  For the sake of your own heart rate, I want you to avoid this blog at all costs, Vince.  But by all means, keep after those Triggered Social Justice Warrior Snowflakes!  You tell 'em, Vince!

Wells Fargo Dog Ad

"It's fine.... your human isn't listening...."

And nor should she.  If Wells Fargo wants to make an ad in which a dog "talks" to the dog in the viewer's home, the viewer should feel perfectly free to tune out and let that dog deliver whatever message it wants to the viewer's dog.  Hey Wells Fargo, if you can sell my goldfish a line of credit, feel free to do that, too.  But you don't get to insult me with this crap and think you're going to win me (the one with the actual money and language skills and legal ability to seek you out for a mortgage) over with noxious, manipulative nonsense like this.

Meanwhile, to those of you who think steaming piles of dung like the Talking/Thinking Like a Human Trope is still cute (or ever was,) let alone persuasive, let my remind you that the dog featured in this ad has no idea it's being filmed, has no idea that a horrifically annoying human voice is being used to narrate it's non-thoughts, or that it's being used to sell a product it can't come anywhere close to comprehending.  Because it's a f--king DOG.  It thinks "its human" is a bigger, more powerful dog it must respect if it wants to survive.  The "home of its dreams" is a shelter with enough warmth to be comfortable and enough food to allow it to continue to carry out its regular bodily functions.  That's IT.

Robocop, KFC and the endless revolving door of "Colonels"

1.  The family in this ad is so uninterested in the free chicken and biscuits which has suddenly shown up at their doorway that they have no reaction at all to the Robocop character presenting it.  In fact, when the character repeats the offer, one member of the family actually attempts to "shush" it, I guess so she can focus on the thirty-year old* film on her screen.

2.  It's not until the Robocop character actually threatens the family with punishment unless it "complies" within fifteen seconds that the family lunges for the fried bird parts.  So the message of this commercial seems to be "you'd never voluntarily consume this crap.  You will, however, agree to eat it if faced with violence if you don't."

3.  What is it with KFC and it's never-ending parade of Colonel Sanders impersonator spokeschoads?  Randy Quaid has had the job.  Then Darrell Hammond.  Norm Macdonald had the gig for a while and seemed to be doing ok.  George Hamilton, Ray Liotta...and about five minutes ago, KFC made a bit of a splash by hiring Jason Alexander for the role of fried chicken huckster who died forty years ago.  Is getting hired for this gig just a matter of hanging around Hollywood long enough?

*Which Robocop film is this family watching?  I hope it's not the original, which is way too violent for that kid, and probably not something anyone wants to be watching while eating.  If it's Robocop 3 or the more recent remake it's nothing anyone wants to be watching period.

James Harden, Genius

So I guess James Harden is just fascinated by the workings of the modern microwave oven.  Can't say as I blame him, it's not like microwave ovens didn't become common household appliances years before he was born.

He's so fascinated in fact that instead of putting the chinese food container in, setting the timer (five minutes?  Have you ever used one of these things, James?  That's not a large amount of food) and walking away, he just stands there staring at the window.  I guess his plan was to just stand there staring at it for five minutes. Maybe watching it go 'round and 'round is super-fascinating for some people.  I got over it myself, when I was, oh, five or six.

Harden's decision to just stand there and watch the food go 'round and 'round doesn't pay off however because when he sees the metal handle on the chinese food container spark, he doesn't do what 99.99 percent of adults would do- quickly open the door to prevent a fire or any damage to the oven.  Instead, he just keeps staring at it.  So first we learned that James Harden likes to watch chinese food containers go 'round and 'round through the glass window of microwave ovens.  And now we've learned that James Harden is one of the one in ten thousand adults out there who do not know how to react when the item being heated up lets off a spark.

And then we learn even more about James Harden- when the container bursts into flames, he.....continues to just stand there and watch.  He really, really enjoys looking at that microwave do it's work, it's so mesmerizing.  First it spins food, then it sparks, then it turns into a little fireplace.  And Harden just stands there.

In the end, James Harden lets out a little scream- I guess it's suddenly occurred to him- about two minutes after it would have occurred to everyone else- that something is not quite right here- and his response is not to call the fire department or get out of the house, but to let out a little scream.  Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man" responded about 100 times more intelligently to a smoking countertop stove.  I'm frankly surprised that Harden survived his little adventure with the microwave oven- does a deleted scene show him being carried out of the burning kitchen like a mannequin by the local fire department?

And here's a depressing endnote- how much money did James Harden make in the time it took for that fire to start?  Probably more than you make in a month.  Understanding that you should not put metal in a microwave is an overrated quality.  Being able to quickly respond to the resulting malfunction is also overrated.  Being able to dribble a basketball?  Here's some more cash.

Pluto TV adds it's contribution to an already-saturated market

"Saturated" is being charitable.  How about "inundated," "done to death," or just plain ENOUGH ALREADY?

I mean, who the heck thinks that what we really need is another option to allow us to watch more television?  Don't we already have Hulu and Netflix and Amazon and YouTube and Plex etc. etc. ETC. feeding our apparently insatiable appetite for brain candy?  Does anyone f--ng read or just take walks or have conversations or just commute with their thoughts anymore?

Ugh, I feel like an old man shaking his fist at the clouds.  But I also feel like I'm justified in doing it.  This is a seriously messed-up world we're living in.

Earth to People:  Watching TV is not the be-all and end-all of existance.  It really isn't.  There's so much more to life than staring at that stupid f--ng screen.  At least, there is for me.  The rest of you?  Well, you're free to make your own choices.  But could you at least stop watching long enough to operate that motor vehicle in a way that doesn't threaten my life on a daily basis?  Please?  Because I kind of LIKE the life I have, most of the time.