Natural Gas: Power Past Sanity! It's Magic!

Natural Gas doesn't just cook dinner!  It also cooks the water in the faucet before it even hits the sink!  What a time-saver!

It creates power.  It IS power!  It promotes mountain bike riding, somehow, shut up it just does!  It produces adrenaline- not sure how, maybe we are supposed to huff it from sports bottles?  Not quite sure what that's all about, but...Check out all these images of people doing super-cool stuff somehow related to the Awesome, Natural, Cheap, Natural, and abundant 'cause it's Natural energy of Natural Gas!

The United States (not private companies, shut up it's OUR power and it will continue to be OUR power, we'll just have to pay for it again 'cause reasons) is the leader in Natural Gas production!  That's something to be proud of,  again 'cause Reasons!  "We" produce more than half the world's natural gas which is pretty awesome considering we're less than 4% of the world's population!  'Course, we are responsible for 25% of the world's energy consumption so maybe it's kind of fair that we chip in SOMETHING, so Natural Gas and Oil it is! Aren't we awesome!?

Oh, and Natural Gas does other stuff do.  It pipes in jobs (we aren't paying AMERICANS to build this infrastructure after all!)  It allows us to use cool 3D printers to do cool sciency stuff!  Confused?  Just read the damn captions and enjoy the upbeat music then!  And support Natural Gas!

Any questions?  Tough, the comment section is closed!  Relax and enjoy another glass of Natural Gas in front of the TV, and don't sweat the small stuff!

Another weird CiCi's Ad

1.  Why is the wife/mommy in this ad so determined to stand behind her husband at all times?  Why does she stop with a confused look on her face when he stops, as if uncertain what to do next because Hubby isn't leading the way?  I kind of get why their little son has stopped- maybe he's never been to a Cici's before (he's used to his parents being responsible adults and giving him nutritious food rather than poison to eat) and he's not willing to rush ahead without his parents- but Mom acts as if something terrible is going to happen to her if she doesn't let Hubby go first.  That and that concerned, almost frightened look on her face makes this all more than a little off-putting.....

2.  Why is dad stunned into immobility by the sight of multiple pizzas?  What did he expect to find at Cici's?  Ah, maybe he thinks he's living in real life, and he's never seen a CiCi's like this one before, because....

3.  Why does the television version of Cici's never resemble a real-life version?  On tv, they are always squeaky-clean and gleaming, and the pizzas are lined up perfectly on an equally clean table under immaculately clean sneeze guards as if the customers being highlighted are the first people to walk into the place at the opening bell.  In real life, Cici's are disgusting pig troughs fifteen minutes after the doors have been unlocked.  There's blobs of sauce everywhere, random slices of pizza are scattered all over the table, and it looks exactly what it is- a Golden Corral for people on a Budget who want to stuff as much sugar and empty carbs into their pie holes as possible for $5.99 each.  None of the customers look like they pull down more than $20 K annually.  They ARE mostly young families with kids who don't want the headache of the Chuck E Cheez but just want to store up a lot of calories for not much money. 

4.  What's the appeal of Cici's to anyone with more than $10 in their pockets and just a little bit of taste?  It's an all-you-can-eat junk pizza and cinnamon buns leper colony.  It's not even really that cheap- the price I normally see posted is $5.99, with the fountain soda not included.  All the "food" is engineered to fill you up fast with coma-inducing carbohydrates and sugar (yeah, there's a salad bar, but who the heck is going to Cici's for the salad bar?)  So what are we talking about- two slices of pizza and a cinnamon bun and a cup of soda for $8?  How is that a bargain?

Of course, it's not.  It just LOOKS like one, like every All You Can Eat buffet looks like one.  Just like all $199 per month lease deals look like one.  It's not hard to con stupid people into thinking they are getting a great deal because Check Out The Price Tag.  I live in the United States.  I know.

Racist Geico Ad: This guy does everything but bow

I watched or listened to the first five seconds of this ad about 200 times before watching it all the way through (simply for the purpose of using it at this blog.)  Thank god for the Skip Ad feature, but the first five seconds are painful enough....

1.  What does any of this have to do with car insurance?

2.  Nothing racist at ALL about showing an Asian guy engaging a group of ninjas (or whoever, I don't watch this again) in defense of....something....I don't know.  And of course it's an Asian guy who is just a stupid fat middle-class schlub who has been fantasizing about being a martial arts expert/secret agent when he was supposed to be discussing car insurance.  And I guess all this has to do with "style" which, again, has exactly WHAT to do with car insurance?

Any chance any future car insurance ads will actually explain the coverage offered?  Any chance at all?

McDonald's Stupid St Patrick's Day Commercial- Another Look Back

Ah, the good old days- when portraying certain nationalities as cartoonish cliche'd caricatures was just fine because Hey I Know People Like This And They Think It's Funny.

Here's a family of....well, I'm going to guess they're Irish, only because it's about ten thousand time even more offensive if they are not..."celebrating" St Patrick's Day by heading off to McDonald's and ordering green milkshakes and wearing stupid green plastic bowlers because That's How You Show You're Irish and that You're Proud of Your Irish Heritage.  Then they do a little dancing because That's How Irish People Are, too.  Later the kids will walk in the parade while grampa gets blasted at O'Dooley's like he does every weekend anyway.  The day ends with the whole family gathered around the tv to watch Notre Dame win the 1977 NCAA title on VHS.

I'm sorry, but this is pretty rank, nasty stuff even if it is just making fun of the whitest people on the planet.  I'm guessing it wouldn't pass the smell test today.  Certainly if it did manage to accidentally make it on to the airwaves, it would be greeted with protests and "grow up you SJW snowflakes I know Irishmen and they all love this ad" counter-protests.  Heck, since everything old is new again, I wonder why McDonald's doesn't just throw this ad on tv for today and today only to see how much attention they can get out of it.

(One thing people might note is that in 1983, these milkshakes didn't even come topped with whipped cream.  It's as if people back then thought that there were enough empty calories in these things without it.  Weirdos.)

34 years later, I have to comment on this Fancy Feast Ad

I'll use my usual excuse first:  the internet simply wasn't a thing back in 1985.  When this ad first appeared on tv, I was a Sophomore in college and probably too busy working on an essay assignment or studying for anthropology with my girlfriend to take much notice of stupid commercials. But also, being a non-pet owner it's very easy for me to just tune out during ads featuring food for the dirty little mammals some people just insist on populating their homes with. 

Anyway, a few things about this vintage Fancy Feast commercial:  First, there's the butler bringing in a tray holding about a dozen cans of the stuff to show the "customer."  What, is that cat going to pick out which flavor it wants to eat tonight?  I kind of doubt it- so why not just open the can somewhere else and just bring in the food?  Why go through the trouble of stacking all those cans and carrying them on a tray into a room just so you can open one and bring the rest back?  Think this butler guy ever took a moment to reflect on how horrible wrong his life had gone?

Also, what's with the idea of serving the food in a wine glass (is that a wine glass? Or a tiny candy dish?  I really don't know what that container would be used for if not cat food- but are there really cat dishes that look like this?  If so, why?  Are they made of glass?  Plastic?  I bet plastic.  Is it safe to assume that this glass/dish thing is for the exclusive use of the cat, and it's not going to be washed and added to the family china set?)

Why is the very least impressive thing shown in this ad the actual cat food?  It just looks like cat food, at least until it's flaked with the fork.  Then it looks like cat food that's been doctored up to make it look better than it is (didn't work.)  Meanwhile, what's the cat thinking?  My guess is it's thinking "just put the damn food down so I can get at it already." 

I'd say people were weird in 1985- and I'd be right- but it's not like they are any better now.  Check out radio ads for Vitabite dog food.  Those people are INSANE.  It was fun to be nostalgic for a few minutes, though.  So there is that.

Buick: Enough already

Nobody Nobody NOBODY has a fixed idea in their heads of what a "Buick" looks like, sorry Buick!

And Nobody Nobody Nobody says things like "that's my Buick," "where's my Buick?" or "how are we all going to fit into your Buick?"  Because no matter how hard you want us to think of them like BMWs or Audis, they aren't BMWs or Audis.  They are just freaking cars- cars that impress nobody, cars that look like every other car that isn't a BMW or Audi.

Navy Federal Credit Union lets us know that our vets are as obnoxious as anyone else

I guess this would have been even FUNNIER if this woman's friend hadn't been holding on tightly when she was pushed and ended up suffering a severe injury.  Wouldn't that have been an absolute laugh riot?

Meanwhile, this woman feels "absolutely secure" in using her instant-pay Federal Navy Credit Union app while in the middle of the woods, connected via who knows what crappy, probably very insecure service.  Why anyone would need to use this app is beyond me- I go away from time to time, even into the woods, and manage to get my bills paid without EVER using my phone to do it because, well, I'm capable of planning ahead.  I can use my laptop from home or even write a check and mail it now and then rather than wait till the last minute when I have to interrupt a vacation including tromping through the woods to get on an App and send money I could have sent before I left the freaking house.  What the hell is with you people, anyway?

I'd like to end with a shout-out to a very special YouTube commentator named Vince Cartelli.  Vince Cartelli is very, very upset with all us snowflakes who don't like ads like this.  Actually, I'm not even sure that "upset" is the right word.  It's bigger than that.  Vince sounds like he sees complaints about commercials as a sure sign that the End Times are upon us.  For the sake of your own heart rate, I want you to avoid this blog at all costs, Vince.  But by all means, keep after those Triggered Social Justice Warrior Snowflakes!  You tell 'em, Vince!