McDonalds IS Soma

All I see in this ad is a couple of "parents" who brought what looks to be about thirty kids to McDonalds to eat non-food and play with junk toys....and continue the process of subliminally connecting "McDonalds" with "Happiness" so they can grow up to be depressed, fat adults who run to McDonalds for Comfort Food whenever life gets them down (which, if they are like me, means every couple of hours.)

But oh, it gets worse- now you can whip out your Personal Electronic Device and have your kids play "interactive" video games in between scarfing down french fries and playing with whatever stupid, Fun For Three Minutes "collectable" toy that came in the Brightly Colored cardboard box all that stuff came with.  So McDonald's doesn't have that 20 Minute Limit For Consuming Food thing anymore?  Or does it only apply to losers who just want to rest their feet and drink some coffee after walking a dozen miles or so, and not fat families who buy $20 worth of Fried Junk in Pretty Boxes and who expect the "restaurant" to entertain their kids for at least an hour- if not "play areas," then with dazzling eye candy you can show them on a screen?

I bet these "parents" think they are doing those kids a favor by helping McDonalds wire their synapses toward favoring a lifetime of cheap non-food made up primarily of sugar and empty carbohydrates.  'Cause hey check out the apple slices and milk, that just SCREAMS "responsible!"

Honda gives me stuff to do

1.  Buy a garage.

2.  Clean it out.

3.  Buy a Honda.

I guess that's the way things are supposed to work.  I mean, it's safe to assume that none of the families featured in this ad ever owned a car before, right?  Why else would they suddenly be cleaning out their garages to make room for the new Honda they'll be welcoming into the family soon?

Oh, I forgot a step:

4.  Move the motorcycle that I bought after I bought a garage to the side to make room for my new Honda.  That's a pretty cool bike, buddy- probably cost a pretty penny, too.  Hey, is that why these weird suburban families never had a car before?  Someone spent all the family money on a motorcycle?  Seems kind of selfish.

United Healthcare steps on its own message to knock down men

Mommy is sensible and calm as she notices something that looks odd to her about her baby. She takes advantage of her awesome United Healthcare coverage and has a video chat with a Real Live Doctor in the middle of the night because she can do that 'cause United Healthcare coverage.

This is all very straightforward and effective and to the point.  Every parent has had moments of concern with a newborn.  Wouldn't it be great to have access to instant peace of mind through your Smartphone?  Of course it would.  And you can get that through United Healthcare.  Important message, well-delivered, cut to credits.

Oh but no, of course we can't just have a clear and simple commercial which effectively sells a product to a worried mom.  We have to throw in a bumbling doofus dad who almost gets himself killed in the very complicated act of Backing Up In a Darkened Room.  See, it's FUNNY because while baby is just fine, DADDY is now hurt and is perhaps in need of medical assistance himself.  The clear, consise and effective message is tossed aside for a cheap sight gag because nothing trumps the Stupid Dad Being Stupid trope.  NOTHING.

It doesn't work like this, Buick

Nobody gives a damn about your Buick McBlandmobiles, Buick.  I imagine that people are pretty curious about that ridiculous house, though.  Except that every family in Television Commercial Land lives in a house like that.

Holy Crap, GoodRx!

 

             
I watched this ad several times without sound, and here's what I thought- this woman was dragging her two sick grandchildren to the pharmacy in the middle of the night because they both had high fevers.  She had neglected to bring them to the doctor because she's a nurse and her schedule is just hell, but the situation finally went critical and she finally caved in and decided to get the prescription a coworker illegally wrote for them filled.

When the pharmacist rang up the total of $67, grandma recoiled at the idea of paying that kind of money just to break something as silly and common as a raging fever, and turned to bring her kids back home and re-apply the ice packs and hope for the best.  Then the pharmacist pointed out that there's about 200 coupons available through the GoodRx app which cannot be used with health insurance but that doesn't matter because grandma/nurse doesn't have health insurance anyway.  Pharmacist does a good job hiding her horror at the fact that grandma/nurse, while really wanting her grandkids to feel better, doesn't want that to the tune of $67.  (Bet you wish this wasn't your weekend with grandma, kids!)

Finally, I watched the ad with sound- and it turns out that the grandma dragging her sick kids to the pharmacist in the middle of the night isn't grandma, she's mom (cripes!  Why did you wait until you were fifty before you started having kids, lady?)  And only the boy is sick- he needs a drug called "Pediasten" (40mg) which, as it turns out, it totally made up yet STILL costs $67!  For the 40mg strength of a non-existent drug!  Damn you Obamacare!!

So it turns out that MOMMY/nurse had "no idea" that she was a few swipes on her SmartPhone away from actually getting her kid the meds he needs.  Oh, and she HAS health insurance but GoodRx gives her a better deal than her insurance can (by the way, why didn't she call her provider to ask if the medication was covered before dragging her kids to the pharmacy in the middle of the night?  Why didn't she ask her DOCTOR when the meds were prescribed, so he could offer a generic alternative or something else or maybe even give her some free samples?)

The happy ending is that Mommy/nurse decides that while $8.90 is still pretty expensive- I mean, it's not $67, but it's not free either- you can buy four scratch-off tickets with that kind of money and have change left over- it's worth it if it eases her son's pain and lets her get a decent night of sleep for a change.  Not quite sure why she doesn't take the lowest cost option that shows up on her screen, but I think we've already established this woman is not the sharpest scalpel on the tray.  Enjoy your Pediasten, kid.  I wonder why that ISN'T a real drug?

Natural Gas: Power Past Sanity! It's Magic!

Natural Gas doesn't just cook dinner!  It also cooks the water in the faucet before it even hits the sink!  What a time-saver!

It creates power.  It IS power!  It promotes mountain bike riding, somehow, shut up it just does!  It produces adrenaline- not sure how, maybe we are supposed to huff it from sports bottles?  Not quite sure what that's all about, but...Check out all these images of people doing super-cool stuff somehow related to the Awesome, Natural, Cheap, Natural, and abundant 'cause it's Natural energy of Natural Gas!

The United States (not private companies, shut up it's OUR power and it will continue to be OUR power, we'll just have to pay for it again 'cause reasons) is the leader in Natural Gas production!  That's something to be proud of,  again 'cause Reasons!  "We" produce more than half the world's natural gas which is pretty awesome considering we're less than 4% of the world's population!  'Course, we are responsible for 25% of the world's energy consumption so maybe it's kind of fair that we chip in SOMETHING, so Natural Gas and Oil it is! Aren't we awesome!?

Oh, and Natural Gas does other stuff do.  It pipes in jobs (we aren't paying AMERICANS to build this infrastructure after all!)  It allows us to use cool 3D printers to do cool sciency stuff!  Confused?  Just read the damn captions and enjoy the upbeat music then!  And support Natural Gas!

Any questions?  Tough, the comment section is closed!  Relax and enjoy another glass of Natural Gas in front of the TV, and don't sweat the small stuff!

Another weird CiCi's Ad

1.  Why is the wife/mommy in this ad so determined to stand behind her husband at all times?  Why does she stop with a confused look on her face when he stops, as if uncertain what to do next because Hubby isn't leading the way?  I kind of get why their little son has stopped- maybe he's never been to a Cici's before (he's used to his parents being responsible adults and giving him nutritious food rather than poison to eat) and he's not willing to rush ahead without his parents- but Mom acts as if something terrible is going to happen to her if she doesn't let Hubby go first.  That and that concerned, almost frightened look on her face makes this all more than a little off-putting.....

2.  Why is dad stunned into immobility by the sight of multiple pizzas?  What did he expect to find at Cici's?  Ah, maybe he thinks he's living in real life, and he's never seen a CiCi's like this one before, because....

3.  Why does the television version of Cici's never resemble a real-life version?  On tv, they are always squeaky-clean and gleaming, and the pizzas are lined up perfectly on an equally clean table under immaculately clean sneeze guards as if the customers being highlighted are the first people to walk into the place at the opening bell.  In real life, Cici's are disgusting pig troughs fifteen minutes after the doors have been unlocked.  There's blobs of sauce everywhere, random slices of pizza are scattered all over the table, and it looks exactly what it is- a Golden Corral for people on a Budget who want to stuff as much sugar and empty carbs into their pie holes as possible for $5.99 each.  None of the customers look like they pull down more than $20 K annually.  They ARE mostly young families with kids who don't want the headache of the Chuck E Cheez but just want to store up a lot of calories for not much money. 

4.  What's the appeal of Cici's to anyone with more than $10 in their pockets and just a little bit of taste?  It's an all-you-can-eat junk pizza and cinnamon buns leper colony.  It's not even really that cheap- the price I normally see posted is $5.99, with the fountain soda not included.  All the "food" is engineered to fill you up fast with coma-inducing carbohydrates and sugar (yeah, there's a salad bar, but who the heck is going to Cici's for the salad bar?)  So what are we talking about- two slices of pizza and a cinnamon bun and a cup of soda for $8?  How is that a bargain?

Of course, it's not.  It just LOOKS like one, like every All You Can Eat buffet looks like one.  Just like all $199 per month lease deals look like one.  It's not hard to con stupid people into thinking they are getting a great deal because Check Out The Price Tag.  I live in the United States.  I know.