Meet the Averys. I hate them already

"These are the Averys, leaving their ridiculous apartment to head off to yet another expensive, trendy restaurant because that's what they like to do to avoid spending quiet time together at home."

"After several months of spending upwards of $300 per week on meals at trendy restaurants, the Averys 'began to wonder' if all this spending wasn't eating into their Dream Home fund.  Because the Averys, despite being able to afford that ridiculous apartment, are really all kinds of Dumb and couldn't figure out on their own that spending money in one way means that they can't spend it in another way.  Funny how that works, right?  I bet most of the people watching this ad knew that already.  But these are the Averys- they live a charmed life involving massive apartments, nightly dine-outs and, eventually, a Suburban Palace Just Because."

"Anyway, being the Averys, they decided to call Wells Fargo to ask 'hey, is our habit of eating out every night at trendy, expensive restaurants hurting our ability to save for our Dream House?  After the Wells Fargo financial consultant on the other end of the line got done simultaneously laughing, vomiting and rolling his eyes in complete disgust, he removed his hand from the speaker and calmly explained to the Averys that, yes, money is in fact a finite resource and not a magic well which stays at the same level no matter how much water is drawn from it."

"The Averys decided to cut back on their restaurant-hopping and spend more time in their Seriously Enormous Why Do They Even Want A House Apartment eating food prepared by themselves from the groceries they ordered from Whole Foods.  They came to realize that the reason they had been spending so much time at restaurants is because they couldn't bear to be alone with eachother unless they are surrounded by other people.  Even a stuffed-to-the-brim DVR and all those Netflix shows didn't help.  Within a few weeks, they had broken up, and individually neither could afford the awesome apartment anymore, problem solved."

"Wells Fargo.  Solving your First World problems, one call at a time."

Blatantly Sexist Credit Karma Ad

The couple in this ad have better credit.  What's the solution?

The GIRL in the couple must negotiate a 17% raise (no problem- she gets the raise.  She must be absolutely vital to the business.  I've been a teacher at the same school for 24 years.  When I go in to negotiate a raise, I'm thrilled when it matches the rate of inflation.)  The GUY in the ad has to get his debts in order.  Message: Only one person in this couple has a credit problem which is keeping them in the girl's dad's basement.  It's the guy.  He's an anchor on this girl's dreams of a house of their own.  So she has to make more money in order to drag his sorry butt out of debt, because she married his debt.

This is going to take a while, because the GUY keeps making stupid purchases to demonstrate that he's still a child who doesn't know how to handle money.  He brings home a guitar he purchased without talking it over with his significant other first.  She responds by rolling her eyes.  She does that a lot.  Stupid guy.  He's so lucky to have her. He's not good enough for her.  She lowered her standards for him.  Obviously.

Their credit rating goes up, and after an EIGHT MINUTE INSPECTION (Seriously, WTF?  That part only makes sense if the GUY went to look at the house BY HIMSELF) this couple agrees to buy a house.  The next day their mortgage is approved, and just in time 'cause look the guy got the girl pregnant which kind of explains why she's willing to put up with this loser who has no money sense.

I guess we're supposed to be all happy at the end because two actors in a Credit Karma commercial managed to buy a house.  Not quite sure why.  And we're supposed to believe that they got the house in spite of the guy's efforts to sabatoge the whole thing.  Very sure why.

McDonalds IS Soma

All I see in this ad is a couple of "parents" who brought what looks to be about thirty kids to McDonalds to eat non-food and play with junk toys....and continue the process of subliminally connecting "McDonalds" with "Happiness" so they can grow up to be depressed, fat adults who run to McDonalds for Comfort Food whenever life gets them down (which, if they are like me, means every couple of hours.)

But oh, it gets worse- now you can whip out your Personal Electronic Device and have your kids play "interactive" video games in between scarfing down french fries and playing with whatever stupid, Fun For Three Minutes "collectable" toy that came in the Brightly Colored cardboard box all that stuff came with.  So McDonald's doesn't have that 20 Minute Limit For Consuming Food thing anymore?  Or does it only apply to losers who just want to rest their feet and drink some coffee after walking a dozen miles or so, and not fat families who buy $20 worth of Fried Junk in Pretty Boxes and who expect the "restaurant" to entertain their kids for at least an hour- if not "play areas," then with dazzling eye candy you can show them on a screen?

I bet these "parents" think they are doing those kids a favor by helping McDonalds wire their synapses toward favoring a lifetime of cheap non-food made up primarily of sugar and empty carbohydrates.  'Cause hey check out the apple slices and milk, that just SCREAMS "responsible!"

Honda gives me stuff to do

1.  Buy a garage.

2.  Clean it out.

3.  Buy a Honda.

I guess that's the way things are supposed to work.  I mean, it's safe to assume that none of the families featured in this ad ever owned a car before, right?  Why else would they suddenly be cleaning out their garages to make room for the new Honda they'll be welcoming into the family soon?

Oh, I forgot a step:

4.  Move the motorcycle that I bought after I bought a garage to the side to make room for my new Honda.  That's a pretty cool bike, buddy- probably cost a pretty penny, too.  Hey, is that why these weird suburban families never had a car before?  Someone spent all the family money on a motorcycle?  Seems kind of selfish.

United Healthcare steps on its own message to knock down men

Mommy is sensible and calm as she notices something that looks odd to her about her baby. She takes advantage of her awesome United Healthcare coverage and has a video chat with a Real Live Doctor in the middle of the night because she can do that 'cause United Healthcare coverage.

This is all very straightforward and effective and to the point.  Every parent has had moments of concern with a newborn.  Wouldn't it be great to have access to instant peace of mind through your Smartphone?  Of course it would.  And you can get that through United Healthcare.  Important message, well-delivered, cut to credits.

Oh but no, of course we can't just have a clear and simple commercial which effectively sells a product to a worried mom.  We have to throw in a bumbling doofus dad who almost gets himself killed in the very complicated act of Backing Up In a Darkened Room.  See, it's FUNNY because while baby is just fine, DADDY is now hurt and is perhaps in need of medical assistance himself.  The clear, consise and effective message is tossed aside for a cheap sight gag because nothing trumps the Stupid Dad Being Stupid trope.  NOTHING.

It doesn't work like this, Buick

Nobody gives a damn about your Buick McBlandmobiles, Buick.  I imagine that people are pretty curious about that ridiculous house, though.  Except that every family in Television Commercial Land lives in a house like that.

Holy Crap, GoodRx!

 

             
I watched this ad several times without sound, and here's what I thought- this woman was dragging her two sick grandchildren to the pharmacy in the middle of the night because they both had high fevers.  She had neglected to bring them to the doctor because she's a nurse and her schedule is just hell, but the situation finally went critical and she finally caved in and decided to get the prescription a coworker illegally wrote for them filled.

When the pharmacist rang up the total of $67, grandma recoiled at the idea of paying that kind of money just to break something as silly and common as a raging fever, and turned to bring her kids back home and re-apply the ice packs and hope for the best.  Then the pharmacist pointed out that there's about 200 coupons available through the GoodRx app which cannot be used with health insurance but that doesn't matter because grandma/nurse doesn't have health insurance anyway.  Pharmacist does a good job hiding her horror at the fact that grandma/nurse, while really wanting her grandkids to feel better, doesn't want that to the tune of $67.  (Bet you wish this wasn't your weekend with grandma, kids!)

Finally, I watched the ad with sound- and it turns out that the grandma dragging her sick kids to the pharmacist in the middle of the night isn't grandma, she's mom (cripes!  Why did you wait until you were fifty before you started having kids, lady?)  And only the boy is sick- he needs a drug called "Pediasten" (40mg) which, as it turns out, it totally made up yet STILL costs $67!  For the 40mg strength of a non-existent drug!  Damn you Obamacare!!

So it turns out that MOMMY/nurse had "no idea" that she was a few swipes on her SmartPhone away from actually getting her kid the meds he needs.  Oh, and she HAS health insurance but GoodRx gives her a better deal than her insurance can (by the way, why didn't she call her provider to ask if the medication was covered before dragging her kids to the pharmacy in the middle of the night?  Why didn't she ask her DOCTOR when the meds were prescribed, so he could offer a generic alternative or something else or maybe even give her some free samples?)

The happy ending is that Mommy/nurse decides that while $8.90 is still pretty expensive- I mean, it's not $67, but it's not free either- you can buy four scratch-off tickets with that kind of money and have change left over- it's worth it if it eases her son's pain and lets her get a decent night of sleep for a change.  Not quite sure why she doesn't take the lowest cost option that shows up on her screen, but I think we've already established this woman is not the sharpest scalpel on the tray.  Enjoy your Pediasten, kid.  I wonder why that ISN'T a real drug?