What Justin Does with his Dr Scholls

Every day, Justin "chooses" to walk....um, because his crummy job as a tour guide kind of requires it.  Kind of like I "choose" to get up before 6 AM so I can get myself to school to teach before the first bell rings.  It's a choice, you see.

And at the end of the day, Justin chooses to take his little daughter to an upscale neighborhood they don't actually live in so she can practice riding her bike in safety.  Because I'm sorry, but tour guides don't live in neighborhoods like this.  There's probably just too much broken glass and garbage lying around in Justin's actual neighborhood.  Not to mention the crime.

Or wait....maybe Justin is actually a bond trader who likes to conduct tours through the city on the side because he's a People Person?  That's more plausible than the Tour Guide Who Lives in a Freaking Mansion on an Exclusive Suburban Street, anyway.

Monday.com is Procrastination brought into the 21st century

You can do your work, or you can find reasons not to do your work while pretending to be productive.  If you prefer the latter, Monday.com is perfect for you.

Sure, you've already sent an email giving everyone on "your team" their job assignments and deadlines.  But-- if that's all you need to do, you'll have to get to work on your own part of the workload.  You could make some coffee, or check your Facebook page, or make a snack, or watch something on YouTube, or tidy up your work area....but that's not especially productive.  Taking all the information that's already available and organizing it to an online calendar?  That sure LOOKS productive, and I bet it leaves you with the feeling that you've done something.  Sure, you fell farther behind in completing your assignment, but it's not like you weren't productive, check out this calendar you created!

Never mind that as soon as you finish filling out the totally unnecessary Monday.com calendar, it's inaccurate because you've spent time filling out that totally unnecessary Monday.com calendar- the important thing is that you were sitting at your desk typing, which means you were busy, which means you earned your paycheck, and now you've made everything easier by putting the schedule on this totally unnecessary Monday.com calendar.

And you didn't leave your desk to raid the snack drawer or finish off the coffee in the break room, so give yourself an extra pat on the back.

Bounty continues it's over-the-top reaction to spills ad campaign

Here's another one of those almost unbelievably stupid Bounty paper towel ads in which people freak out because their glowingly white, perfectly clean world is about to be slightly (and very temporarily) marred by a spill.

Seriously, what the hell is going on here?  This family reacts to the dropping of a dumpling* as if it's a crystal vase once owned by the Romanovs and passed down from great grandma's estate.  Good lord, people.  It's a dumpling.  Falling on a kitchen table.  Creating a slight stain.

So what's with the looks of existential horror all around?  The kid acts as if the last time he spilled something he was given a severe beating and a month in the Box of Shame.  And it sure seems as if we, the audience, are supposed to understand perfectly the Horror of Dropping a Piece of Food, just as in a previous commercial we were supposed to understand perfectly the Horror of Spilling an Ounce of Iced Coffee.

Well, maybe you do, but I don't.  We all know what paper towels are for and why we like to have them around, but--umm, Bounty?  You aren't going to convince us that they're right up there with fire extinguishers, and you aren't going to convince us that spills are anything more than...spills.  So please, stop trying.

*And I'm not even going to get into examining how the Magic Dumpling managed to skid/skip/bounce almost three feet across a table so that it could land in the mouth of a dog sitting across from the kid in exactly the right place to catch a morsel of food that had no business falling off a table in that spot.  I mean, what the hell?  Did that dumpling come with propellants that activated when it encountered a hard surface?  Because come on, there is this thing called physics.

Similasan: Why use medication when you can treat your allergies with...well, nothing?

So this woman was prescribed eye drops, but she "started worrying" about all the chemicals she was putting into her eyes....you know, at the recommendation of an actual licensed physician.  She doesn't tell us that her doctor "started worrying" or expressed any misgivings about the Actual Medication he had prescribed.  No, SHE just woke up one day and decided oh gosh maybe it's not a great idea to put "harsh chemicals" (what us normals call "Medicine") into her eyes.

More likely she was approached by a cousin or an old friend she hadn't seen in years but who now really really wanted to get acquainted and who Oh By The Way was dying to tell her about Herbalife.*  Or Essential Oils.  Or doTerra.  Or whatever.  And in fifteen minutes she became convinced that doctors are all CIA agents being paid off by Bayer and Beatrice Foods and the Illuminati to peddle mind control drugs and to Stop the Information from Getting Out that Nature Is All You Need to Heal.

So now instead of paying $12 a month for medication she used to pick up at the local pharmacy, she's paying four times as much for 2 ounces of sterilized water from Switzerland which is of course not covered by her Evil Big Pharma-controlled "health" insurance (more like "sick" insurance!  Those companies WANT YOU TO STAY SICK!)  which she can also find at the local pharmacy, in the "Natural Foods" section.  And feeling very Woke about it, I'm sure.  Stupid, but Woke.

*This actually happened to me, about a dozen years ago.  I got an email from an old High School friend I had not seen since the 80s who wanted to "catch up" at a local coffee shop.  Within three minutes of sitting down he was peddling some $40 per month Miracle Vitamin Regimen.  I declined to purchase.  Haven't heard from him since.   I doubt I'm missing much.

Meet the Averys. I hate them already

"These are the Averys, leaving their ridiculous apartment to head off to yet another expensive, trendy restaurant because that's what they like to do to avoid spending quiet time together at home."

"After several months of spending upwards of $300 per week on meals at trendy restaurants, the Averys 'began to wonder' if all this spending wasn't eating into their Dream Home fund.  Because the Averys, despite being able to afford that ridiculous apartment, are really all kinds of Dumb and couldn't figure out on their own that spending money in one way means that they can't spend it in another way.  Funny how that works, right?  I bet most of the people watching this ad knew that already.  But these are the Averys- they live a charmed life involving massive apartments, nightly dine-outs and, eventually, a Suburban Palace Just Because."

"Anyway, being the Averys, they decided to call Wells Fargo to ask 'hey, is our habit of eating out every night at trendy, expensive restaurants hurting our ability to save for our Dream House?  After the Wells Fargo financial consultant on the other end of the line got done simultaneously laughing, vomiting and rolling his eyes in complete disgust, he removed his hand from the speaker and calmly explained to the Averys that, yes, money is in fact a finite resource and not a magic well which stays at the same level no matter how much water is drawn from it."

"The Averys decided to cut back on their restaurant-hopping and spend more time in their Seriously Enormous Why Do They Even Want A House Apartment eating food prepared by themselves from the groceries they ordered from Whole Foods.  They came to realize that the reason they had been spending so much time at restaurants is because they couldn't bear to be alone with eachother unless they are surrounded by other people.  Even a stuffed-to-the-brim DVR and all those Netflix shows didn't help.  Within a few weeks, they had broken up, and individually neither could afford the awesome apartment anymore, problem solved."

"Wells Fargo.  Solving your First World problems, one call at a time."

Blatantly Sexist Credit Karma Ad

The couple in this ad have better credit.  What's the solution?

The GIRL in the couple must negotiate a 17% raise (no problem- she gets the raise.  She must be absolutely vital to the business.  I've been a teacher at the same school for 24 years.  When I go in to negotiate a raise, I'm thrilled when it matches the rate of inflation.)  The GUY in the ad has to get his debts in order.  Message: Only one person in this couple has a credit problem which is keeping them in the girl's dad's basement.  It's the guy.  He's an anchor on this girl's dreams of a house of their own.  So she has to make more money in order to drag his sorry butt out of debt, because she married his debt.

This is going to take a while, because the GUY keeps making stupid purchases to demonstrate that he's still a child who doesn't know how to handle money.  He brings home a guitar he purchased without talking it over with his significant other first.  She responds by rolling her eyes.  She does that a lot.  Stupid guy.  He's so lucky to have her. He's not good enough for her.  She lowered her standards for him.  Obviously.

Their credit rating goes up, and after an EIGHT MINUTE INSPECTION (Seriously, WTF?  That part only makes sense if the GUY went to look at the house BY HIMSELF) this couple agrees to buy a house.  The next day their mortgage is approved, and just in time 'cause look the guy got the girl pregnant which kind of explains why she's willing to put up with this loser who has no money sense.

I guess we're supposed to be all happy at the end because two actors in a Credit Karma commercial managed to buy a house.  Not quite sure why.  And we're supposed to believe that they got the house in spite of the guy's efforts to sabatoge the whole thing.  Very sure why.

McDonalds IS Soma

All I see in this ad is a couple of "parents" who brought what looks to be about thirty kids to McDonalds to eat non-food and play with junk toys....and continue the process of subliminally connecting "McDonalds" with "Happiness" so they can grow up to be depressed, fat adults who run to McDonalds for Comfort Food whenever life gets them down (which, if they are like me, means every couple of hours.)

But oh, it gets worse- now you can whip out your Personal Electronic Device and have your kids play "interactive" video games in between scarfing down french fries and playing with whatever stupid, Fun For Three Minutes "collectable" toy that came in the Brightly Colored cardboard box all that stuff came with.  So McDonald's doesn't have that 20 Minute Limit For Consuming Food thing anymore?  Or does it only apply to losers who just want to rest their feet and drink some coffee after walking a dozen miles or so, and not fat families who buy $20 worth of Fried Junk in Pretty Boxes and who expect the "restaurant" to entertain their kids for at least an hour- if not "play areas," then with dazzling eye candy you can show them on a screen?

I bet these "parents" think they are doing those kids a favor by helping McDonalds wire their synapses toward favoring a lifetime of cheap non-food made up primarily of sugar and empty carbohydrates.  'Cause hey check out the apple slices and milk, that just SCREAMS "responsible!"