Jason Bond put the "Bull" in "Raging Bull," but he's far from alone

These Make Money Fast By Investing/Flipping Houses/Shopping on Amazon/Selling these Vitamins YouTube ads took no time at all to descend into the quagmire of almost laughable cliche, did they?

Here's Jason Bond and his minions taking private jets to visit their beautiful mansions in Miami while aggressively Selling the Dream of living Just Like This if only you Believe in Yourself and follow This Simple Plan.  This time the Simple Plan involves using This Proven Method to buy penny stocks with the Jason Bond Raging Bull Formula.

I wish I could muster even an ounce of sympathy for the people who plop down anywhere from $1500-$3000 for an hour-long seminar which promises to unlock the mystery of becoming a Millionaire using this Take Your Pick It's So Easy I Just Want To Share My Secret With You strategy.  But as someone who actually works for a living- and realizes that the only way I'm going to have a successful retirement is through saving and investing and being very careful with my money- I just can't.  I really have nothing but contempt for you idiots, because if you can't see through this nonsense it's kind of a mystery how you managed to get any money into your pockets in the first place.

So instead, I'll just let you in on a little secret, which is the little secret all of these people are trying to sell you but which I'll hand to you for free:  Every single one of these scammers actually has the exact same method of making money without work.  And it involves convincing suckers to open their wallets and empty it into their bank accounts.  That's it.  Whether the veneer involves house-flipping, stock market tips or selling bottles of nothing called "essential oils," it's all about getting other people to hand you money in exchange for basically nothing. 

That's it.  Where's my check?

5-hour energy is the Wizard Oil of the 21st Century

5-Hour Energy snake oil now comes in even more convenient, even smaller ("portable") bottles with the same amount of energy (zero) you've come to expect in the classic size.  So here's all the energy-boosting capacity of a caffeine pill at roughly 2000 times the cost!  Come and get it, idiots!

Meanwhile, the who guy became a billionaire by generating and marketing this nonsense  has now launched a new venture- the Free Electric System.  He wants to put an electricity-generating bicycle into every home so that everyone can produce their own "free" electricity- everyone who is willing to break the Law of Thermodynamics, that is.   You see, Stupid People Who Think This is an Awesome Idea, there is really no such thing as "free energy."  To "create" energy by peddling a bicycle, you have to CONSUME energy first.  So, in fact, you aren't "creating" energy at all- you are just transfering the energy from sugars to electricity.    You have to eat food to do that.  So the electricity you are "creating" is hardly "free."  Get it?

This guy hopes you don't, and he's probably right.  After all, he sells millions of little bottles of Practically Nothing at what breaks down to about $40 per gallon.  For the same amount of caffeine as you find in a typical cup of coffee and a trace amount of vitamins.  Because, as PT Barnum allegedly once said, "nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public."

Mavyret makes illness sound so #cool and trendy

What is it with all these people referring to their serious disease as "Hep C?"  I'm pretty sure that if I ever contracted a potentially fatal disease I would not feel compelled to give it a trendy, peppy-sounding nickname.  But these characters do it ALL THE FREAKING TIME- they have "A-Fib" and "Hep C" and other conditions they describe in a way to make the viewer sound almost jealous.  Gee, I wish I was cool enough to contract one of these life-threatening illnesses!  But woe is me, my liver is just too damned healthy!  I feel so left out!

I suppose I could try sharing needles or having some tattoo work done in a dirty parlor somewhere- that's the source of approximately 60% of all "Hep C" cases.  I should stop complaining until I've at least put the effort in, right?

This Good2Go customer is bitter because her carbon footprint is so small

"My shift is over, but not my day...." because this woman is about to take the subway and then a bus to get home.  She's doing this because, as in all Good2Go commercials, she has a car but not insurance (she doesn't say so, but I think it's safe to assume that she doesn't have car insurance because she can't afford it.)

(Thing is, she's working at a diner- chances are, she doesn't have health insurance, either.  Shouldn't that be a priority here? Anyway...)

I guess we're supposed to sympathize because instead of enjoying the convenience of bumper-to-bumper traffic, high gas prices, and all the little (and sometimes not so little) expenses that pop up when you own a car, this poor woman has to take public transportation which includes a subway (which means she skips a lot of that traffic.)  She can read a book or listen to music while someone else does the driving, but this is somehow a Royal Pain compared to driving a car which is going to be constantly sucking money out of your pocket.  Poor girl, I hope she gets insurance real soon, looks like her life is a real hell on earth.

In the final scene we see that she has picked up barely-legal Good2Go insurance, and now she can skip the subway and train and get back to the Good Life- sitting in traffic, buying gasoline, getting this fixed and that fixed, constantly one bad decision away from a massive repair bill, etc.  What a great happy ending for her.

Two quick points:  First, seriously, what is your problem, woman?  You've got public transportation that costs far less than owning a car and carries none of the risks.  Yet you own a car you can't drive.  Why not sell your car and take that public transportation and watch your bank account grow? I did exactly that on September 15, 2013.  I know I've saved $1200 a year on insurance alone- but then again, I bought actual insurance, not this Good2Go crap.  Gas, repairs- who knows how much I saved on those items, but considering that if I use public transportation to get to and from work every day the cost comes to about $30 a week, I'm quite certain I've come out way ahead.

Second, when is Good2Go going to make even ONE commercial featuring a white single mom or dad struggling with car insurance costs while trying to feed the kids or get them to a doctor?  Why it is that every single Good2Go ad featuring white people shows them as young, single and employed while every one featuring black people shows them as single parents living in poverty? 

Good2Go is the gift that keeps on giving

This woman has her pride, I guess.  I can't think of any other explanation for the fact that she has a car, but she can't afford insurance so the only alternative to getting her sick kid to the doctor is to walk it (maybe miles?  I mean, she would have used her car if she could..)  She's not taking an Uber because after all, that's why she bought a car.  So she wouldn't have to take an Uber.  She's not taking public transportation because that's what the losers do, and she's not a loser, she owns a car and everything.  If she takes an Uber the Uber driver will think she's poor and can't afford a car.  If she takes the bus the bus driver will think she's poor and can't afford a car.

She can't risk that.  She's got her pride.  So her car sits in front of the housing project while she puts her sick kid in a stroller and walks it through the streets to the doctor.

That's one lucky kid there.  He's got a proud mom.  That's a piece of luck that's going to pay off, someday.

Geico's Smartdogs Ad hurts in so many ways...

1.  Using animals in commercials.  Again, this just needs to stop.  Apparently, some people see dogs or cats on television and their attention is transfixed and they are sold on whatever product is being offered.  I tune out entirely because I see clueless mammals being used to manipulate the people I mentioned in the last sentence. 

Not a pet owner.  But even if I was, this wouldn't convince me of anything.

2.  "Here's a suggestion- turn on the Do Not Disturb option on your Smartphone."  Uh huh, because the only time people are distracted by their phones is when they get calls.  It's not like they are initiating the calls themselves, or checking their Facebook status, or texting or watching a movie.  Nope, it's all because they are getting calls and didn't realize they had the option of setting their phones to "Do Not Disturb."  Or, like, not answering when a call is coming in- that's just not possible, I mean, the phone's ringing, you have to answer it. 

Or just putting their phones away until they've reached their destination.  Those are never options- so thank goodness for "Do Not Disturb," that's going to make everything better.

3.  The comment section.  Good lord, you people.  Have you no shame at all?  Or are you all terrific examples of the people I mentioned in Point # 1?  I mean, come on. 

The Cult of YouTube. or The Infinite Ways to Lose your Money Online

I don't expect anyone to watch this hour-long commercial for Making Money By Getting Other People to Give You Their Money for No Return video, any more than I expect you to watch any commercial- no matter how long- for the same service.  Ads for "opportunities" like these seem to make up 90% of YouTube's commercial content these days, and they are all pretty much the same:

1.  Self-confident, enthusiastic and almost exclusively Male twentysomething shoves his face into the camera and starts talking to us like he's a trusted friend - most of these ads start with the phrase "Hey Guys" presented in a "oh there you are, well as long as you've decided to drop in, let me tell you about" attitude.

2.  Spokeschoad proceeds to tell us about his collection of sportscars and bulging bank account while taking us on a walking tour of his mansion, never failing to mention that six months ago he was flipping burgers at McDonald's and living in his mom's basement.  Now he's got more money than he knows what to do with, it was Super Easy, and being the Awesome Human Being he is, he just can't WAIT to share his Secret with the rest of us.

3.  Spokeschoad then covers himself with a thin veneer of trustworthiness by warning us against those OTHER people who tell you that Working from Home or Flipping Houses will make you a millionaire overnight, we should totally avoid THOSE losers because they are scammers, it's NOT possible to become a millionaire overnight even with HIS Proven, Guaranteed System.  It takes six months.  Oh, and it takes a lot of work even while being Super Easy.

4.  Spokeschoad finally gets around to explaining how, by giving him just a little of the money you probably don't have, he'll show you how you can be Just Like Him with his sportscar collection, mansion and Oh Did I Mention The Fabulous Vacations I Take All The Time With My Hot Girlfriend? 

5.  The comment section is overrun with "testimonials" gushing about how SuperAwesomeAmazing this opportunity is, and how it's Not At All Like those other people who are just SCAMMERS.  And if you tried this system and lost money, it's because you Didn't Believe, Didn't Try Hard Enough and Just Didn't Want to Be Successful and how you're Looking For A Good Man to Blame (often that Good Man is God-Fearing, too, so you get double demerits for your slander.)

So go ahead and join everyone's favorite cult, the Church of Online Dumb, and get that career flipping houses or Mid-Level Marketing underway.  Or get your credit score into the 800s using this One Simple Trick.  Whatever, you'll be in that mansion with that sportscar in no time at all (model trophy girlfriend/wife included, just pay extra shipping and handling.)