The TacAmplifier: One of few good reasons to watch the CometTV channel

You only get awesomely snarkable commercials like this one for a cheap hearing aid way up the dial, which is why I will ocassionally tune to GetTV.  No, I don't really want to watch Knight Rider or Good Times or really crappy old movies like Young Guns II.  But in between scenes from this crap is pure comedy gold in the form of these awesome commercials, so I'm glad the channel exists.

"In the woods you need every tactical advantage..." you'd think that having a gun and wearing camoflauge would be enough "tactical advantage" against an unarmed animal, but you'd be wrong- you also need EagleEye Blue Light Blocking Sunglasses (available on another commercial) and Superman-level hearing if you REALLY want the edge against the grazing herbivore you're hoping to take down and earn your man card with.

Know what's really great about this hearing aid?  No, it's not the super-low cost-- so low that you probably will not be able to resist getting an ADDITIONAL one to share with a friend (ick, I really hope you're just going to GIVE that friend the additional one, who wants a used hearing aid back?) just pay Seperate Shipping and Handling.  It's the fact that no one will even know you're wearing it- never mind that it's slightly smaller than a billiard ball and you can see it quite clearly in the ears of everyone wearing it in this commercial. No one will know you're wearing it.  Not the other people in your dinner party, not your elderly spouse, and certainly not that four-legged prey that doesn't even know it's involved in a contest with you.

PragerU presents "No True Socialism," Denmark Version

Lots of people think that Denmark is a Socialist Paradise.  But they're wrong, you see, because Denmark isn't Socialist at all.

And how do we know that Denmark isn't Socialist?  Well, for one thing, you can own private property in Denmark, unlike in those actual Socialist Countries.  And you have freedom of the press in Denmark, unlike in actual Socialist Countries.  And political dissenters in Denmark aren't rounded up and caged in gulags or shot- like in actual Socialist Countries.

In other words, since at PragerU "Socialism" means "Government ownership of everything, no freedom, political prisons and armed guards murdering people in the street," Denmark can't POSSIBLY be Socialist.  Because Denmark doesn't have that stuff.

Neither does France, Spain, Italy, Greece, Iceland, Norway, Sweden, Canada....all countries PragerU has labeled "Socialist" in the past.  But those countries are different Because Reasons.  Actually, not Because Reasons.  Because PragerU can't put together a consistent, honest argument - that's for it's Master's program, probably.

Meanwhile, it's inevitable that PragerU will eventually take aim (no bad pun intended) at the restrictive gun laws of the European Union, which includes....well, non-Socialist Denmark.  So Denmark is a happy, free country which makes it all but impossible for the average citizen to own a firearm.  Since Denmark is NOT Socialist, and IS successful and happy, that must mean that restrictive gun laws fit well into a Capitalist society that is both successful and happy.  Right, Prager U?

RIGHT?

Since it seems like Flo has been pimping for Progressive since the 80s anyway....

So Progressive Insurance's constant scrambling to find something to do with it's aging spokeschoad has lead it to tweak America's Eighties Nostalgia bone, huh?  How else do we explain this steaming lump of stupid?

I'll admit, it's a pretty cute idea and more clever than most of the pointless dreck insurance companies have been coming up with these days.  But that's not saying very much at all, since insurance company commercials have been the black hole of advertising for as long as I can remember.  So this is slightly better than watching the AFLAC duck or a CGI pig or a camel walking around an office begging people to tell him that it's Wednesday.

It's still at least 20 seconds too long- as usual, we GET THE JOKE way before the ad is over.  And it still provides absolutely ZERO information about how much Progressive Insurance costs or what it actually covers.  Remember when tv ads actually made an effort to educate the viewer concerning the product being sold?  Me neither, actually.  I'm not that old.

Chewy.com's weird slice of life

1. No way this guy owns a pet.  I mean, look at that house.  That's a bacteria-free zone.  Seriously, you could synthesize medication in that house.  Animals?  No freaking way.

2.  Get a load of the super-enthusiastic chewy.com operator.  It's like she never had any aspirations higher than helping some jackass on the other end of the line buy pet food.  That's just sad.

3.  "What do I do with all this old pet food?"  Holy crap, can you take care of any problems yourself, ridiculously clean man in ridiculously clean house with pets?  Seriously, what is wrong with you? 

Jason Bond put the "Bull" in "Raging Bull," but he's far from alone

These Make Money Fast By Investing/Flipping Houses/Shopping on Amazon/Selling these Vitamins YouTube ads took no time at all to descend into the quagmire of almost laughable cliche, did they?

Here's Jason Bond and his minions taking private jets to visit their beautiful mansions in Miami while aggressively Selling the Dream of living Just Like This if only you Believe in Yourself and follow This Simple Plan.  This time the Simple Plan involves using This Proven Method to buy penny stocks with the Jason Bond Raging Bull Formula.

I wish I could muster even an ounce of sympathy for the people who plop down anywhere from $1500-$3000 for an hour-long seminar which promises to unlock the mystery of becoming a Millionaire using this Take Your Pick It's So Easy I Just Want To Share My Secret With You strategy.  But as someone who actually works for a living- and realizes that the only way I'm going to have a successful retirement is through saving and investing and being very careful with my money- I just can't.  I really have nothing but contempt for you idiots, because if you can't see through this nonsense it's kind of a mystery how you managed to get any money into your pockets in the first place.

So instead, I'll just let you in on a little secret, which is the little secret all of these people are trying to sell you but which I'll hand to you for free:  Every single one of these scammers actually has the exact same method of making money without work.  And it involves convincing suckers to open their wallets and empty it into their bank accounts.  That's it.  Whether the veneer involves house-flipping, stock market tips or selling bottles of nothing called "essential oils," it's all about getting other people to hand you money in exchange for basically nothing. 

That's it.  Where's my check?

5-hour energy is the Wizard Oil of the 21st Century

5-Hour Energy snake oil now comes in even more convenient, even smaller ("portable") bottles with the same amount of energy (zero) you've come to expect in the classic size.  So here's all the energy-boosting capacity of a caffeine pill at roughly 2000 times the cost!  Come and get it, idiots!

Meanwhile, the who guy became a billionaire by generating and marketing this nonsense  has now launched a new venture- the Free Electric System.  He wants to put an electricity-generating bicycle into every home so that everyone can produce their own "free" electricity- everyone who is willing to break the Law of Thermodynamics, that is.   You see, Stupid People Who Think This is an Awesome Idea, there is really no such thing as "free energy."  To "create" energy by peddling a bicycle, you have to CONSUME energy first.  So, in fact, you aren't "creating" energy at all- you are just transfering the energy from sugars to electricity.    You have to eat food to do that.  So the electricity you are "creating" is hardly "free."  Get it?

This guy hopes you don't, and he's probably right.  After all, he sells millions of little bottles of Practically Nothing at what breaks down to about $40 per gallon.  For the same amount of caffeine as you find in a typical cup of coffee and a trace amount of vitamins.  Because, as PT Barnum allegedly once said, "nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public."

Mavyret makes illness sound so #cool and trendy

What is it with all these people referring to their serious disease as "Hep C?"  I'm pretty sure that if I ever contracted a potentially fatal disease I would not feel compelled to give it a trendy, peppy-sounding nickname.  But these characters do it ALL THE FREAKING TIME- they have "A-Fib" and "Hep C" and other conditions they describe in a way to make the viewer sound almost jealous.  Gee, I wish I was cool enough to contract one of these life-threatening illnesses!  But woe is me, my liver is just too damned healthy!  I feel so left out!

I suppose I could try sharing needles or having some tattoo work done in a dirty parlor somewhere- that's the source of approximately 60% of all "Hep C" cases.  I should stop complaining until I've at least put the effort in, right?