For some reason, I'm going to talk about Tomb Raider today....

Tomb Raider (2018) "starring" Alicia Vikander is a reboot of a moderately successful film series which ran from 2001-2003 which was itself a spinoff of a very popular series of video games.  The video games featured a number of female voice actors, the original films featured Angelina Jolie in the starring role, and the newest version, as I've noted, "starred" an inexplicably popular mannequin named Alicia Vikander.

I caught this film on HBO the other day and I just have to make a few observations concerning why I found this film so insulting and dumb and am not at all surprised that it was a box office failure:

1.  In the opening of this film, we see the character of Lara Croft engaged in a kickboxing contest and even though she's beaten she looks pretty tough.  I assumed that the purpose of this scene was to establish Lara as a hard-as-nails type who can definitely take care of herself.  Boy, was I wrong, as we'll see later.

2.  Turns out that Lara Croft is a lowly bike messenger who jumps at the chance to earn money by participating in a dangerous bike race through the streets of Large City.  Thing is, through flashbacks we've already been shown that just as with the Angelina Jolie version, this Lara is heir to a massive fortune, she just has to sign some papers to get it.  She's holding back from signing for reasons we're about to get into.  Meanwhile, she's willing to risk her skull to go after a small cash prize because She Needs the Money except we know she doesn't.  I bet several of her fellow bike messengers could legitimately use that money, Lara.  Maybe stop pretending to be poor?

3.  Lara doesn't want to sign the papers declaring her missing father officially Dead because she's convinced he's just missing.  Never mind that signing would allow her to inherit his massive wealth, which she could then use to go out and find her father.  If she believes Dad is really alive, of what benefit is she to him as long as she's scraping by as a bike messenger?

4.  When Lara gets to Asian Port Stock Footage Location, she's instantly accosted by three young boys who steal her bag.  She runs them down and gets the bag back by putting one of the boys in a headlock, but then runs away when another boy pulls out a knife and threatens to cut out her tongue.  Angelina Jolie's version of Lara would have beaten up all three boys without breaking a sweat.  A few minutes before this scene we saw Lara holding her own in a kickboxing match. Vikander's version shows panic, runs away, and needs to be rescued by Drunk Asian Boat-owning Stereotype.  You go, girl!

5.  Lara escapes the Evil Men on the Mysterious Island by Jumping off a Cliff into a Roaring RiverTM, barely escaping going over a waterfall by clinging to the ancient ruins of a downed airplane.  The plane looks like it's been perched over the waterfall for at least a decade- yet within seconds after Lara pulls herself into the rotting fuselage to escape the Roaring River, it begins to disintegrate under her feet.  Seriously, WTF?  This plane has survived floods, storms, probably thousands of tree trunks crashing into it, and has remained perched over that waterfall- but when a 110-pound woman is added to it's bulk, it begins to dissolve like a graham cracker in milk?

6.  The Breaking Into The TombTM scene is pretty much a poor retread of Indy's final journey to reach the grail in The Last Crusade.  Except not as interesting, because....

7.  Alicia Vikander.  I'm sorry, can someone explain this person to me?  She worked in Ex Machina because she played a soulless android.  But in every other film I've seen her in, she's continued to play that same soulless android.  Her expression never changed in two hours of Jason Bourne.  And she shows all the range of a garden gnome in this waste of time.  Did she ever actually act in anything?

The latest Tomb Raider was supposed to launch a new series of films, but it returned only $274.7 million at the worldwide box office- oddly enough, the exact amount of cash generated by the 2001 version, which means that it was a significantly less successful film and that the franchise is probably dead for good (I don't think that 1990s nostalgia is going to come back in twenty years.)  So I guess I won't be complaining about any sequels in the near future.  Which means commercials will have to stay terrible to keep this blog going.  I'm not worried.

Call me Unpatriotic, but...

....the dial on my BS meter snaps right off whenever I hear someone refer to themselves or anyone else as "patriots" or puts the words "Patriot," "Liberty," "Freedom" or "American" on their products.  Maybe it's just me, but this level of buzzword patronizing just screams "manipulative selling technique."

We're supposed to take this guy's word for it that this solar cell phone battery is terrific because after all, he's an ex-Navy Seal, used to make his living shooting people, and wrote a book.  None of which has anything to do with expertise in collecting, storing and releasing energy, but gosh he sure looks rugged and he's a Fellow Patriot, so.....

....so, sorry, no.  I'm sure that there are good solar-powered cell phone chargers out there, and I think it's something that would be helpful for pretty much everyone to own because after all we spend so much time away from charging stations (like the ones that decorate our walls at home that we used to call ELECTRICAL OUTLETS.)  But if this particular version works well, then sell it to me by explaining the physics involved, not by expecting me to just buy in to the claims of a Manly Man who starts right off by attempting to stroke my ego by calling me a  "fellow patriot."

BTW, the giveaway that this is just probably just another Late Night Overpriced Junk Trinket product comes when the guy discusses the "extras" that come with the charger-it includes a flashlight setting with strobe feature (gee, that's a great feature for an item that is supposed to be collecting power to charge something else, huh?  Law of Thermodynamics, people,) a keychain with a tiny compass attached, and a CHARGING CABLE (in case you are home, or somewhere else where you could just plug it in....like you do with your phone already....um....ok.....)

I'll go ahead and watch the review now; that's only fair.  But nothing in the review will change the fact that this company is using symbolism and slogans instead of science to sell their product.  Lame.

The TacAmplifier: One of few good reasons to watch the CometTV channel

You only get awesomely snarkable commercials like this one for a cheap hearing aid way up the dial, which is why I will ocassionally tune to GetTV.  No, I don't really want to watch Knight Rider or Good Times or really crappy old movies like Young Guns II.  But in between scenes from this crap is pure comedy gold in the form of these awesome commercials, so I'm glad the channel exists.

"In the woods you need every tactical advantage..." you'd think that having a gun and wearing camoflauge would be enough "tactical advantage" against an unarmed animal, but you'd be wrong- you also need EagleEye Blue Light Blocking Sunglasses (available on another commercial) and Superman-level hearing if you REALLY want the edge against the grazing herbivore you're hoping to take down and earn your man card with.

Know what's really great about this hearing aid?  No, it's not the super-low cost-- so low that you probably will not be able to resist getting an ADDITIONAL one to share with a friend (ick, I really hope you're just going to GIVE that friend the additional one, who wants a used hearing aid back?) just pay Seperate Shipping and Handling.  It's the fact that no one will even know you're wearing it- never mind that it's slightly smaller than a billiard ball and you can see it quite clearly in the ears of everyone wearing it in this commercial. No one will know you're wearing it.  Not the other people in your dinner party, not your elderly spouse, and certainly not that four-legged prey that doesn't even know it's involved in a contest with you.

PragerU presents "No True Socialism," Denmark Version

Lots of people think that Denmark is a Socialist Paradise.  But they're wrong, you see, because Denmark isn't Socialist at all.

And how do we know that Denmark isn't Socialist?  Well, for one thing, you can own private property in Denmark, unlike in those actual Socialist Countries.  And you have freedom of the press in Denmark, unlike in actual Socialist Countries.  And political dissenters in Denmark aren't rounded up and caged in gulags or shot- like in actual Socialist Countries.

In other words, since at PragerU "Socialism" means "Government ownership of everything, no freedom, political prisons and armed guards murdering people in the street," Denmark can't POSSIBLY be Socialist.  Because Denmark doesn't have that stuff.

Neither does France, Spain, Italy, Greece, Iceland, Norway, Sweden, Canada....all countries PragerU has labeled "Socialist" in the past.  But those countries are different Because Reasons.  Actually, not Because Reasons.  Because PragerU can't put together a consistent, honest argument - that's for it's Master's program, probably.

Meanwhile, it's inevitable that PragerU will eventually take aim (no bad pun intended) at the restrictive gun laws of the European Union, which includes....well, non-Socialist Denmark.  So Denmark is a happy, free country which makes it all but impossible for the average citizen to own a firearm.  Since Denmark is NOT Socialist, and IS successful and happy, that must mean that restrictive gun laws fit well into a Capitalist society that is both successful and happy.  Right, Prager U?

RIGHT?

Since it seems like Flo has been pimping for Progressive since the 80s anyway....

So Progressive Insurance's constant scrambling to find something to do with it's aging spokeschoad has lead it to tweak America's Eighties Nostalgia bone, huh?  How else do we explain this steaming lump of stupid?

I'll admit, it's a pretty cute idea and more clever than most of the pointless dreck insurance companies have been coming up with these days.  But that's not saying very much at all, since insurance company commercials have been the black hole of advertising for as long as I can remember.  So this is slightly better than watching the AFLAC duck or a CGI pig or a camel walking around an office begging people to tell him that it's Wednesday.

It's still at least 20 seconds too long- as usual, we GET THE JOKE way before the ad is over.  And it still provides absolutely ZERO information about how much Progressive Insurance costs or what it actually covers.  Remember when tv ads actually made an effort to educate the viewer concerning the product being sold?  Me neither, actually.  I'm not that old.

Chewy.com's weird slice of life

1. No way this guy owns a pet.  I mean, look at that house.  That's a bacteria-free zone.  Seriously, you could synthesize medication in that house.  Animals?  No freaking way.

2.  Get a load of the super-enthusiastic chewy.com operator.  It's like she never had any aspirations higher than helping some jackass on the other end of the line buy pet food.  That's just sad.

3.  "What do I do with all this old pet food?"  Holy crap, can you take care of any problems yourself, ridiculously clean man in ridiculously clean house with pets?  Seriously, what is wrong with you? 

Jason Bond put the "Bull" in "Raging Bull," but he's far from alone

These Make Money Fast By Investing/Flipping Houses/Shopping on Amazon/Selling these Vitamins YouTube ads took no time at all to descend into the quagmire of almost laughable cliche, did they?

Here's Jason Bond and his minions taking private jets to visit their beautiful mansions in Miami while aggressively Selling the Dream of living Just Like This if only you Believe in Yourself and follow This Simple Plan.  This time the Simple Plan involves using This Proven Method to buy penny stocks with the Jason Bond Raging Bull Formula.

I wish I could muster even an ounce of sympathy for the people who plop down anywhere from $1500-$3000 for an hour-long seminar which promises to unlock the mystery of becoming a Millionaire using this Take Your Pick It's So Easy I Just Want To Share My Secret With You strategy.  But as someone who actually works for a living- and realizes that the only way I'm going to have a successful retirement is through saving and investing and being very careful with my money- I just can't.  I really have nothing but contempt for you idiots, because if you can't see through this nonsense it's kind of a mystery how you managed to get any money into your pockets in the first place.

So instead, I'll just let you in on a little secret, which is the little secret all of these people are trying to sell you but which I'll hand to you for free:  Every single one of these scammers actually has the exact same method of making money without work.  And it involves convincing suckers to open their wallets and empty it into their bank accounts.  That's it.  Whether the veneer involves house-flipping, stock market tips or selling bottles of nothing called "essential oils," it's all about getting other people to hand you money in exchange for basically nothing. 

That's it.  Where's my check?